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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my nan to just sod off!

72 replies

Lizzie92 · 19/05/2016 12:09

I've posted about my nan before. She is very defiant and if she can't get her own way she plays the victim and becomes threatening. The gist of my last post was that my nan has severe bone problems where she finds walking and standing up difficult. She drops things all the time and has started falling over a lot, however she refuses to see that there's anything wrong. I have a 16 week old baby and when he was born I asked that she didn't stand up or walk around while holding him. Basically she went ballistic saying she never wanted to see me again, that I was making her feel like an old woman in a nursing home etc. She then told my mother that she was contacting a solicitor to remove me from her will. Eventually I felt forced to apologise because she was making it difficult to my grandad to see the baby. She pretty much now pretends nothing happens, however she takes every opportunity she can to be defiant and piss me of. Yesterday I visited her with my mum. When we got there we had to pop out quickly and as baby was sleeping in his car seat she unthinkingly said we would leave him there as we wont be long. I couldn't take him then as my nan would start with her "you don't trust me with the baby". However, she did say she wouldn't take him out of the car seat. When outside my mum realised she had made a mistake and was really apologetic. We got back and baby was out of the car seat in the living room. I was not best pleased as her legs seemed especially bad and she was struggling to walk and bend. The car seat was on a hard tiled surface on the floor and its a fiddly car seat at the best of times. She then proceeded to hog the baby, walking around with him, taking him into other rooms away from everyone, telling me what he likes as if I don't know what my own child likes. Just being a general nuisance. Then when we were sitting down having coffee my nan was holding him and decided to pick up a chocolate from the box on the table and held it to his lips saying "do you want some?". I give her dagger eyes and she smirked at me and put it in her mouth. I'm hoping she wasn't stupid enough to actually give it to him though I suspect she was going to let him lick it. She then proceeded to fuss him so much trying to get him to smile at her that he threw up all over himself. He rarely throws up. I've had enough, I feel like she's trying to punish me for asking her not to hold him while standing up by continually walking around with him and taking him away from me. She's very aware I don't like it, how could she not be! Would it be unreasonable to limit contact to once a month and if she continues to act like this just cut her out? I really don't want to ever see her again but realise that it makes life difficult for my mum and grandad.

OP posts:
Tiggywinkler · 19/05/2016 13:15

I remember, and commented on, your original post.

Your Nan isn't safe to wander with your baby, knows it, and is playing you like a fiddle. It's a power thing, and by apologizing you've played right into her script.

Your Mum and Granddad are adults in their own right - they need to construct their own healthy boundaries with your Nan; but that's not your problem. The only way your Nan will cotton on that her behaviour isn't safe or acceptable is if people stop enabling it.

You need to put on your big girl pants for your DD - as a PP said, if she dropped and injured her, you'd never forgive yourself.

It's tough, but you can do it - healthy boundaries and respect for your parenting isn't asking for the moon. Expect her behaviour to get worse before it gets better if you do decide to reinforce healthy boundaries - she won't like being challenged, as it's probably never happened before.

MadamDeathstare · 19/05/2016 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiggywinkler · 19/05/2016 13:24

Sorry, I've just noticed I've written DD not DS throughout my post - apologies for that! I'm blaming sleep deprivation.

MeridianB · 19/05/2016 13:31

With a 16-week-old baby, I can think of better things to do with my time than visit someone who shouts at loved ones, snatches the baby and risks his safety. Can you not see your Granddad on his own - meet somewhere for a coffee?

Completely agree with others that you all deserve better and she is to be avoided. Don't feel guilty about your mum and Granddad - they can stick up for themselves. Just do what is right for you and Bubs.

Congratulations - enjoy every minute. Flowers

pigsDOfly · 19/05/2016 13:32

If your mother and grandfather are prepared to be cowed by your grandmother then that's up to them. They can chose to let her tantrums dictate how they behave, that's their choice.

You can make a choice too. You can chose not to be dictated to by this unpleasant woman and can chose to protect your baby from her potentially harmful and very dangerous behaviour.

blankmind · 19/05/2016 13:35

Put those on then stand up for your baby (and yourself!)

Your nan could cause him serious injury or worse, do not ever leave her with the baby. Take charge of the situation, so what if your Nan behaves like a 2 year old? If you are fine with Nan only holding the baby if she's sitting down, tell her that. And make sure you are in her face and take the baby off her if she so much as shuffles in her seat.

Set your boundaries and tell her she has a choice, either she complies or she doesn't see the baby.

Could you meet your Grandad outside their home, in town or at a park say, so he could still see the baby without her there?

shovetheholly · 19/05/2016 13:38

Has your nan always been like this, or is it new or worsening? I ask because I have a relative with dementia who became very confrontational and aggressive before she was finally diagnosed.

Of course, some old people (like some young people) aren't ill - just obnoxious!

AuntieKippers · 19/05/2016 13:43

Your Nan sounds a nightmare and no-one is standing up to her. You need to be firm and if she makes a fuss let her get on with it. "Defiant" is an odd word though to use about an adult.
You can set rules for your child's safety but there is no reason she should do as she is told in general. Are your parents afraid of her? Also interested to know how old she is, what her mental state is like and if she has always been "she who must be obeyed".
There doesn't seem to be much adult to adult communication just a power struggle.

EponasWildDaughter · 19/05/2016 13:43

If a neighbor or someone on the bus or someone on the street snatched at your baby or shouted at you what would you do?

Why on earth is the fact that this woman is related to you make any difference at all to how you'd deal with that?

Her behavior is not right and not normal. If you really feel you can't stand up for yourself in her presence and do what's right for your baby then stop taking him round there. No if's or but's.

The hard line is: You can't have it both ways i'm afraid. By 'both ways' i mean do what's right for your son AND appease your GM - that's not going to happen. Your son comes first. That's parenting.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 19/05/2016 13:43

Fuck her. I get more reasonable arguments about stuff from my pre-teen. Your baby's safety needs to come a long long way before her pride.

Original poster
Lizzie92 · 19/05/2016 13:46

Thank you everyone!
Im going to stop my mum making weekly obligations with my nan at the moment. Also thank you to the poster who recommended a sling, that will definitely be happening next time I visit.

My nan has always been the head of the family and everyone has always gone along with her for an easy life. To the person who asked, My grandad can't come visit on his own. He needs to be constantly available to drive her to her medical appontments, if he tries to leave the house without her she will make an excuse to come. He can't get the bus because my nan controls both their finances and gives my grandad a allowance type thing. She would not respond well if he used that money to come visit me.

I hate her shouting at my mum which is why I haven't said anything since baby was born. She's never been particular nice to my mum and picks at her constantly. My mum is worried about upsetting her and just takes it. Part of the reason is my nan holds a leverage over my mum. It's nothing bad but my dad wouldn't like it if he was to find out.

This whole situation is ridiculous. I think I need to bring the family focus back to the fact it's my baby and act accordingly. Writing it down and reading it back has made me realise how stupid this all is.

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 19/05/2016 13:50

Just don't take him with you, when you visit!

There are a multitude of reasons excuses you could give:

  1. Baby didn't sleep all night, he fell asleep just before leaving the house, so I didn't want to wake him - he can stay with DH for the afternoon and catch up on his rest.
  1. DS isn't well, it's best he isn't taken out of the house at the moment. It's also contagious and you'd hate her to catch it.
  1. DH has DS today - visiting friends who also have a baby.
  1. The only time I could visit this week was 6pm - and that's DS bedtime routine underway with DH.
  1. DS is at the childminders today - trial run for when I start work next month.

You get the gist. Loads of reasons you could give.

To soften the blow, you could take little gifts, like painted hand print for her wall/lock of first hair. Write her Bday cards from him in silly writing, and so on.

Buggers · 19/05/2016 13:51

op How old is your nan?

Original poster
Lizzie92 · 19/05/2016 13:52

My nan is in her late 70,s.

OP posts:
NannawifeofBaldr · 19/05/2016 13:55

Wait, are you saying that your Nan is blackmailing your Mum into obedience?

Wow.

And you are both going along with it?

Original poster
Lizzie92 · 19/05/2016 13:57

Not exactly blackmailing, however she can be very spiteful and my mum doesn't put it past her to "innocently" mention something in front of my dad that might make him ask questions.

OP posts:
Buggers · 19/05/2016 13:57

Oh I was expecting her to be much older and thought that might have been why people didn't want to upset her. I'd go round next time your due to and if she starts shouting tell her she will not be around your son until she can control her temper. If she tries snatching him I'd be harsh&honest and just say until you can hold him whilst sitting and not walking about you won't be holding him at all as I'd prefer a nan with a grudge than a baby in a&e getting his head stitched up.
You must be harsh to get the message across I'm afraid.

EponasWildDaughter · 19/05/2016 14:03

And this will all continue on down the family line while no one stands up to her. Do you want your son to be sorry for you the way you are for your mum OP?

No, we want our kids to grow up looking at us knowing: 'This is my mum. She'll be strong for me and do her best to protect me always'. Not 'This is my mum, she does her best but wont stand up to my bully of a grandmother'...

Start now and break this awful chain. You can try and help your mum break away too if you wish. But first and foremost do what's right for you and DS.

nudeynuderson · 19/05/2016 14:05

Pick up one of her prized hideous ornaments, (all nans have them) and carelessly chuck it up in the air. When she shrieks in disbelief that you'd be so careless with something she holds so dear, take your ds back and walk out with one eyebrow raised.

Buggers · 19/05/2016 14:15

nudey that's brilliantGrin

AuntieKippers · 19/05/2016 14:16

Good grief! I thought I was under my Mother's thumb but I've never come across anything like this. She isn't "defiant" she's a tyrant.

You need to stand up to her. Your Dad must be at least in his 50s and he is being given spending money. What power does she have over your parents? Are they financially dependent on her in some way?
What would happen if your Mum told your Dad what your Nan is blackmailing her about? (that is what she is doing). You need to make a stand.

MeridianB · 19/05/2016 14:23

It sounds like your Granddad is in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage. How sad.

AuntieKippers · 19/05/2016 14:27

Oh sorry I misunderstood-its your granddad that isn't allowed to catch a bus and gets an allowance. She is still a tyrant.

NannawifeofBaldr · 19/05/2016 14:29

Lizzie that is blackmailing. Sad

Tigerblue · 19/05/2016 14:31

I'd stop visiting with your Mum for a while. When things have calmed down maybe you could visit with your OH who can support you and make sure your baby remains in your or his arms.