I didn't know the mindgames would start so soon...

[WhatHo]

So, DD1 is 6. She has a friend called, let's say Katie, and another friend called Amy. Katie and my DD are both quite gentle, Amy has a... stronger personality. At their last play date she was horrible to my DD2, whispering things like, "Why is your sister so WEIRD?" to DD1 while they were having tea, while staring at DD2. DD2, who is 4, got quite upset.
There's another girl in class who is quite emotional, Jane, and (according to DD1) Amy tells her things like that her jumper is stupid, why does she wear stupid stuff, nothing abusive per se, but they're 6!
DD1 loves Amy (grrr), but the relationship is complex - typical threesome which is such a bad number for girls. If DD and Katie don't do as Amy tells them she runs off crying, then they have to console her, or she says she won't be their friend.
This am I found a note in her bag saying sorry for not playing with her during break and asking Amy to still be her friend. Turns out that yesterday DD, Katie and a couple of others were playing a game Amy didn't want to play. They refused to stop their game so Amy 'had to play by herself' and blanked DD for the rest of the day.
I love women, I'm a girl's girl, but I hate that female Mindgame shit . I can't believe it's started already. I feel like in 20 years time DD1 is going to be writing that recent MN thread about the WhatsApp group and the present and not being invited to the party.

AIBU to tell the teacher as it's teacher's evening next week and hope she can, do something? Am I being:
a) PFB (probably)
b) Naive
c) wasting teacher's time (but it's a very small class of 15)
c) To say something about Jane. She is vulnerable as is - though is it OK to take a 6 year old's word on something?

if I don't say anything, is there anything I can do or do I accept it as part of life's rich tapestry of women being vile to women as it will happen throughout her life?
Amy's mum is very nice but an absolute Tiger Mum, my gut instinct is that she would dismiss anything i had to say and be pissed off that I brought it up. Perhaps rightly so?

I'm still so new to this child-rearing thing. Help me! Also Please be gentle with me, I never normally post in AIBU...!

Lovely post, Cory - and very true. There is one boy in DS's year who I have no doubt has been much labelled as a mischief maker. And yet this is the child who, in a tough year for DS, was the one who, as DS put it, was always quietly aware when it was all too much, was ready to support him without ever making a fuss about it, and generally just cared. He is a truly lovely boy at heart and I have told his mother so.

People are complicated and it's all too easy to pigeonhole DC based on one (possibly short lived) aspect of their behaviour.

I agree with stealth and cory - if you look at this girl's behaviour and say 'Oh girls they're all such bitches' then you're leading yourself and your DD down a dead end. People aren't perfect, and children are learning how to behave. They are sometimes a bit bloody horrible. But getting all 'end of the world' about it really isn't going to help anyone. Relationships have to be negotiated throughout life and they can be tough.

melli and dragon really helpful, insightful posts, thank you so much. DD isn't yet at the stage of not wanting to go to school but she really used to adore it and now there's a little shadow there.

Sooo...

• Ask how situations make DD feel and talking through scenarios
• Emphasise how being kind is important but also standing up for self and independence
• Try and extend friend groups so it's not so intimate and 'hot'
• Talk to the school in a general way about the fact there's a complex friendship situation brewing without storming in and wagging huge accusing finger at small girl
• find some books that discuss friendships from the library

And, I'm thinking, keep it light so it doesn't become a BIG THING. Though I guess for her it probably is.

I feel a little teary at your lovely post cory.

God... I clearly need to get a grip and some goddam perspective

We used to role play how you could react in certain situations too and I can't support enough the PP who mentioned boundaries. There can be a tendency in certain schools to encourage children to ignore their own boundaries and play with DCs who make them unhappy or/and sad. I stressed to DS that he should always be kind but that didn't mean he had to play with children who were mean to him. Learning when to say 'no' as we often hear on MN is such an important lesson and the earlier they can learn it the better.
With DS, we also talked about how sometimes your feelings are in your tummy so it may feel jumpy when you're nervous or upset and it's good to notice that, and listen to it, so you can respond to it or take yourself away from the situation that is upsetting before it tips into arguing or fighting.

Your DD is probably a little bit too young for this but when she is older I would suggest watching "mean girls" I did this with my 2 DD's. It has Lyndsey Lohan in it and has got girl friendships spot on.

I think even if you encourage your DD to find another group of friends later down the line, you will always find the same dynamics of the Regina's (character) being leaders and the gossipy one and then you will often find the one who challenges the leader enough but will never get the support from the rest of the group etc...

I advised my DD's to label each friend with one of those characters in their own mind just to give them an idea of how to conduct their friendships with that particular person. I do not know if there is something similar for younger children.

I have to say it has worked and we never have problems with girls anymore!
Even if there are dramas they can handle it with no problem at all. They also very rarely get intimidated which is something that used to happen to DD1 all of the time.

cory has written a great post and I think it is important to teach your DD ways of handling different personalities.

BIWI that happened to me in Y8 as well Unfortunately my "friends" were quite popular and pretty and I was always a bit of an odd one out and looked like a skeletal meerkat, so the whole sodding school thought it was an excellent bit of fun, meaning I was not only dropped by my friends, but became a pariah.

I moved schools.

Boys are just as capable of drama and manipulation.

Agree with pp teaching your dc coping strategies and ways to resolve conflict and boost self esteem is going to help more than anything else.

Your DD will always encounter someone who likes to create drama, they could be male or female.

KS=Key Stage - sorry - teacher jargon!

Your plan sounds spot on. ANd yes, its hard to work out how to talk about it enough to help them resolve it and not so much that it becomes BIG deal. Interestingly, when older DD was going through it, younger DD mysteriously developed friendship ishoos, purely because she saw how much time older DD was getting from me! Aargh.

Now I get them to rate their troubles on a sliding scale (using their own sibling interactions as a benchmark). If they rate it a minor irritation, I don't give it much airtime but if its doozy, then we'll cuddle and talk it through.

I find reflective practice very helpful - even though I am not much good at it. Reflecting how they feel and then asking "what would you like to change" or "how would like things to be different" often works better than offering advice, I find. They tend to sort out some coping strategies for themselves. That is what builds the resilience, them working it out for themselves and trying different ways of dealing with it.

QuimReaper - it's horrible isn't it?

It happened to me at junior school - can't remember how old I was but probably 9. Playing hide and seek, I was told I was 'it', had to count to 100, when I finished and turned round, they'd all pissed off and had gone to play something else, somewhere else. I remember that day so clearly - I can even describe the dress I was wearing, some 47 years later.

Girls behaviour is noted and labelled, boys behaviour isn't.

So girls and women are curtailed if they step out of line and boys and men are encouraged to step out of line.

BIWI I remember the day clear as anything, too! I was just thinking about it today actually.

That makes it sound like I'm scarred for life and think about it all the time, I'm really not It was a hideous school anyway, I was much happier at the next one where there was a Weirdo Corner for me to hang out in. The first school had no weirdo corner at all. It's unbelievable, looking back. Even the school in Mean Girls has a Weirdo Corner.

My Dad still remembers when he was about six, his classmates learned the word "divorce" and they all stood in a circle around him chanting "we divorce you, we divorce you"

He's 80.

Quim - no weirdo's corner?! That's WEIRD! I wouldn't have known what to do with myself...

In case anyone is interested, I told the teacher last night at PTA evening. She knew exactly what I was getting at in my fumbling way, and told me they have a feelings corner, that they act out how friends should behave with puppets, etc etc. She also suggested that I try to widen DD's friendship group. Also had chat with Katie's mother (DD's gentle friend) who said that they had been working on the fact that turn taking (which Katie has to do with her siblings) extends to people choosing what games they play etc at school as well, thus letting her work out for herself that Amy's dominance isn't 'fair' - I think I'll gently follow this angle too.

And I have taken on board a few comments on this thread and organised a playdate with a couple of boys from class that she likes too

Huge to everyone who responded.