AIBU mil wants to 'help' with childcare

[puttheteaon]

Hey,
I have never got on well with MIL, personality clash really, she's bossy, brash, demanding and in my opinion just rude. My lovely mum looks after ds 3 days a week, we arranged this when i was pregnant and as she's an ex play leader and retired (and i trust her) it makes sense.

Mil informed me she was going to do one week a month starting next month. She didn't ask us, just announced it as if we were meant to be overjoyed! I can understand she is jealous (openly says this) but i don't trust her with my child, she has no respect for me and quite frankly i don't want her in our lives every 3 weeks. Dh just shrugs when i bring it up and has accepted it, it just annoys me so much that she just makes demands but no one ever disagrees with her!!! Just don't know how to avoid this without it being a huge deal and her hating me more than she already does (i 'turned' her son against her' when he told her off for feeding my unweaned baby hot chocolate once)
Help!

Where is the balance between her right to see ds and our happiness as a family?

Where is the balance between a drinking alcoholic's right to spend time with a child and the upset caused to the family by having an active alcoholic influencing the child.

Does that make it easier?

She wants to spend time with her GC, she gets clean and sober. Simple. Totally reasonable. Anything else is unreasonable.

Hey, you're the child's mother, so YOU decide who cares for your child.

Just. Say. No.

My advise is say no. I am in this situation at the moment where I agreed mil could help out. I would now rather pay childcare but dp won't let us. She is so possessive of my child, constantly in his face when he's with me, saying that he's nothing but a 'nannys boy' all the time, the list is endless. It's a living nightmare for me. So I would advise any woman not to do it.

She actually doesn't have any "right" to see your DS at all.

Your DS though, dies have a right to be kept safe. From what you say, letting your MIL take care of him unsupervised would be both unsafe and irresponsible.

Tell her to bugger off.

*does have a right. Bloody autocorrect!!

If she is a big drinker and you don't totally trust her not to drink I think you need to very firmly say no. My MIL was an alcoholic and I wouldn't have left her in charge of a goldfish let alone my children.

The safety of your child comes far, far ahead of her feelings. I like the advice above about using the word alcoholic.

Op, in an ideal world your dh would handle his mother. Do you think that'll happen? Probably not. Sk you will have to be the villain here.

Someone posted on a different thread a while back, a very sage bit of advice which I'll paraphrase: if you don't face an issue and deal with it, your children have to

That's our job as parents. We have to face stuff - alcoholic tantrums, toxic relatives etc. We are the adults. We face it so that our tiny, vulnerable children don't have to.

A calm, detatched, non drama feeding 'no. That doesn't work for us.'
When the flying monkeys come round 'no, unfortunately mils alcoholism means we don't have ds unsupervised with her. She's welcome to visit while we are here.'

Any chance you can report the drink driving?

puttheteaon I have every sympathy for you.. my DH and I went NC with his 'D'M a number of years ago (not alcohol related). My DH and FIL have a very close relationship but he knows exactly what she's capable of and as a consequence of her behaviour are divorced!
With my DH's permission she took our 2 older DC away to stay overnight with her when our oldest DC was 4 and I honestly don't think I'll ever forget that night and my nightmares! I swore never again! I actually remember worrying if she'd even bring them back the next day.. sounds very dramatic but true... awful woman!! I actually wanted to go and get them but DH wouldn't let me

Pixienott0005 I can identify with all you said and a lot more hence we are now non contact!

OP please don't be bullied into this.. stand up to her if your DH won't, then when you've got her sorted make it crystal clear to your DH you won't stand for it again! My DH looking back now cannot believe he let his 'D'M take our DC away..

As a mum of 5 boys I hope when my time as a MIL comes I'll at the very least be considerate and listen/respect my DSs and DILs wishes.

I am normally pro MIL on these sorts of threads. And I can understand that she will feel a little excluded if she only sees him once every few months. But following your updates, clearly this can't happen. For your child's safety and your sanity (MIL living in for a week every month = someone under the patio by Christmas...). Dh needs to be crystal clear that if it goes ahead there WILL be ructions, as it's just not acceptable for your ds - and not fair on you for you to take the 'blame'.

I think however, that others make a good point ito whether this will actually happen. Is it the kind of thing that she will say, but then won't get round to actually sorting? Or is she likely to follow through, based on previous experience?

If you think she will follow through - dh (AND you) need to tackle it asap. Skype call with both of you there, he leads. "Sorry, it's a lovely idea (ha!) and we appreciate your generosity (double ha!) but it's just not going to work. DS is settled at the mo and disrupting him right now would be a very bad idea - as he is teething/suffering separation anxiety/in training for Rio Olympics/whatever. Plus realistically, there isn't enough space for us all to live comfortably. We'd fall out and that's the last thing we want (triple ha!!). BUT we would love to find a way for you to see him more often under close supervision - let's see what we can come up with. Do you have any other ideas?"

IF on the other hand, this is pie in the sky, then I would say something - but maybe be more vague "Humm, I think that might be difficult - don't book anything before you talk to us again, will you? Then we can see how things are looking at the time. But yes, it would be great for ds to see more of you. Why don't we set up an extra weekly Skype call/get him to send you pictures and you can send him postcards every week/something equally innocuous." It MIGHT be that if you can make her feel she has a more special role in his life, she'll back off a bit????

Good luck OP....

Given your updates, I'd flat out refuse.

She walks down the middle of roads?

She mentioned it first when very drunk during a visit to their house then nothing for a month or two, think dh is hoping it will go away again but this time she has brought it up 3/4 times on Skype during the day when I'm assuming she was sober. Fil is ACTUALLY a card carrying alcoholic so think she hides behind that too.

She has never asked, literally said 'i' ll be over one week every month after may'

We both believe she is an alcoholic, albeit a highly functional one. I think she just doesn't see how erratic, argumentative and awful she becomes after a drink.. She's bad enough without one.

I'll look into grey pebble theory run rabbit, I just clam up when speaking to her as she's just so rude and erratic and think she's just used to ppl being so scared of her reactions that she does whatever she wants!

Thank you for the guidance on what to say deepdark, think it wd defo help to present a practiced, United front when we do inevitably have the talk. X

Love that quote zaurak
pixie your mil sounds very similar, very possessive, I have also said to dh I wish we had just got a nursery and we would not be in this situation

NO WAY. Absolutely no way. Your DH needs to grow a pair but since he won't, you need to tell her no. I wouldn't give a crap about her feelings - she's an alcoholic who would drive drunk with your baby in the car, push in pram on a busy road, etc. Just no.

"Thank you but no. I'd like to keep our childcare arrangements as they are for a while yet."
No need to give any reason or apologise.