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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU mil wants to 'help' with childcare

65 replies

puttheteaon · 18/05/2016 22:03

Hey,
I have never got on well with MIL, personality clash really, she's bossy, brash, demanding and in my opinion just rude. My lovely mum looks after ds 3 days a week, we arranged this when i was pregnant and as she's an ex play leader and retired (and i trust her) it makes sense.

Mil informed me she was going to do one week a month starting next month. She didn't ask us, just announced it as if we were meant to be overjoyed! I can understand she is jealous (openly says this) but i don't trust her with my child, she has no respect for me and quite frankly i don't want her in our lives every 3 weeks. Dh just shrugs when i bring it up and has accepted it, it just annoys me so much that she just makes demands but no one ever disagrees with her!!! Just don't know how to avoid this without it being a huge deal and her hating me more than she already does (i 'turned' her son against her' when he told her off for feeding my unweaned baby hot chocolate once)
Help!

OP posts:
VillageFete · 18/05/2016 22:53

Does your MIL have anything to do with your family? Do you visit her? Does your son spend any time with her?

I know every situation is different, and in some cases it's completely understandable that there's not much contact etc, but it's clear your MIL feels pushed out. Personally, i'd feel like shit if my mum had my DD 3 times per week, yet my MIL barely saw her. That's simply not fair. You'll be a MIL yourself one day, so maybe be a little more compassionate.

I thank God I have a DD when I read these MIL threads...

PovertyPain · 18/05/2016 22:59

Village are you saying you would let someone with a drink problem look after your baby, in order to save their feelings? Shock

BillSykesDog · 18/05/2016 23:00

No way. Could you offer an alternative time for her to see you as a family though, just to head her off? Maybe once a month DH could visit with the kids and without you if that's easier.

Does DH get along with her? Is there relationship good? If so he should be making an effort to facilitate her relationship with her grandchildren in a way that is safe and non-stressful for all of you.

BillSykesDog · 18/05/2016 23:02

I often read the MIL threads and as a mother of three boys feel very depressed.

Not this one though! It doesn't sound anywhere approaching safe enough for her to be looking after DC.

VillageFete · 18/05/2016 23:04

No, i'm not poverty But I would let someone "with a drink problem" who was close family, spend time with their DGC in some capacity, especially if my own DM was spending 3 days per week with them. That is why I asked does OP visit MIL, do they spend any time together etc.. She must feel terribly pushed out if she barely sees them. Drink problem or not, it's not fair. Perhaps it's up to the OP's partner to deal with it though.

CodyKing · 18/05/2016 23:05

You'll be a MIL yourself one day, so maybe be a little more compassionate

Yes and hit the vodka and drive DGC to the park - sounds like a great GM - why not put some in the bottle to "help" them with teething -

NOT all MIL are 'normal'

Original poster
puttheteaon · 18/05/2016 23:13

Thanks everyone, my thoughts are also that we've established ds routine and there is no way in hell I'll be able to relax if she has him, I work 3 days so not even like I cd check up! Just feel like I'm being bullied into it and like I said before she is so unreasonable that everyone is scared to annoy her - the result being no one ever stands up to her and she does whatever she wants... Case in point the car seat was removed from the car when she was drinking without her knowledge as everyone said it would be too confrontational to actually say no!!! This advice from her 3 sons! X

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/05/2016 23:14

You have unrealistic expectations:

just don't know how to avoid this without it being a huge deal and her hating me more than she already does

Allow me to rephrase that realistically: "I will not allow this. It will be a huge deal and she will hate me even more. DH has left me with no choice but to be the bad guy."

Imagine the conversation with the police and SS after the car crash, where DS gets injured. "Yes officer, I know she drinks and drives, we remove the car seat to stop her. I didn't think she would drive him while drunk with no car seat. I knew she couldn't be trusted to look after a baby and that she likes to drink and drive but if I had refused to let her, she would have been sulky and might have said mean things about me."

CodyKing · 18/05/2016 23:20

You could always let DM babysit DD and MIL Confused

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/05/2016 23:20

It is hard to be the child of an alcoholic. He's been trained to enable. You haven't, you can show him a better way of being. You've got to stop his attempts at training you to enable her for a start.

Some behaviours should always be confronted. Be the better person. Do the right thing not the temporarily easier thing. She might not respect you but you will respect you.

Gide · 18/05/2016 23:22

Your mum has him 3 days a week and mil who drinks wants him for three days a month, which involves her staying in your not enormous flat 2 nights a month. Er, no, tell her TFTFO. Totally outrageous idea and exactly why I didn't want my DM living anywhere near me.

Orangecookie · 18/05/2016 23:25

Scary!

ollieplimsoles · 18/05/2016 23:27

Op why do you care if she hates you?

Ive said it before and ill say it again: Your children are only young once! Do not let her walk all over you!

I have a nightmare mil, used to be like you, I was scared of her and didn't want to upset her.
Now if she came out with something like this I would just say no, no you're not looking after my child because you cant be trusted.

She is a heavy drinker and you don't trust her for Christ sake! Drop the 'oh but she's a grandma too' bullshit and tell her straight!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 18/05/2016 23:30

Perhaps it's up to the OP's partner to deal with it though.

You think?!?!?!

Oh no - let the women deal,with the awkward conversations! Far better surely! We don't want to trouble a busy important man with trivial things like preventing their child from being hit by a car!

Op - you need to be very blunt with your Dh. That you will not be putting your child at risk to avoid awkwardness. That if he cannot cope with a hard conversation for the sake of his child then he is a crappy excuse for a father. And that either he says no, nicely, to his mother. Or you will. And you will not be nice about it.

Lazyafternoon · 18/05/2016 23:35

Don't let her bully you! But say thanks and as it's not a regular thing then will arrange it ad hoc.

My mum offered to have DS one day a month, but she lives too far away for it to be practical and it'd would've been too much hassle to sort out with nursery anyway. And she would drive me nuts doing stuff I wouldn't like. So about once a month I pop over (about an hour away) to visit and will have some sort of thing to do (lunch with a friend, pop to shops, phone calls to make, go for a jog etc) to leave her with DS for an hour or so on her own. Or sometimes she comes to us to babysit while we go out in the evening. An hour or so fine. All day I feel a bit uncomfortable with!

It's win-win. I don't feel guilty asking for regular babysitting favours, without actually having to worry about her spoiling him, not treating him like his age, her appalling driving etc etc

Inertia · 18/05/2016 23:42

Sounds like you can fall out after a tricky conversation now, or fall out after she's maimed your child. I know which I'd go for.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 18/05/2016 23:42

Oh dear. Just read my message back and it was really sarky. Sorry. As is blindingly obvious I was projecting. Grin

Alasalas2 · 18/05/2016 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrillKitten · 18/05/2016 23:49

If I am reading your posts correctly - you're basically saying you have reason to believe she will put your child at risk of harm.

I know saying "no" and rocking the boat is hard. But go back and re-read your own posts.. (I mean that nicely! Sometimes it's hard to take in how much you've been coping with until you read it back with fresh eyes!) .. I think you know what you have to do. I am sorry it's so difficult, but your DCs safety comes first.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 18/05/2016 23:55

she is a big drinker and twice we have had to remove the carseat from her car as she's been so drunk the night before she 'told us' she was driving ds in the morning. Pushes the buggy down the centre of busy roads.

That's way, way past the line where her feelings are the main consideration. That's the point I'd be allowing her contact with her grandson only when I was there to supervise as she is choosing to not be a competent adult. Social services and the police will not be supportive if your child were to come to harm having been left by you in the unsupervised care of someone known by you to have a serious alcohol problem, never mind one who has demonstrated repeatedly to you not being able to put the child's safety above her need for a drink and getting incapable enough to try driving the baby or walking him down the middle of a road.

If your dh is more worried about his mum's feelings than the basic safety of his baby you've got a big problem. If your MIL wants to do childcare she needs to do something very serious about her drinking problem, that has to come first.

Original poster
puttheteaon · 19/05/2016 20:30

Thanks everyone for your messages and sorry to not reply individually...... And for the mega reply!

So much of what you have said is very true, I think when you are around people who accept awful behaviour as normal you begin to question yourself... Which is why I posted on here, some perspective from the real world!! Dh's whole family accept Mil's drinking and unreasonable behaviour, often they just ignore her and although dh has spoken to her on numerous occasions a lot of her rude comments and wild demands go unchecked, think they all just hope she'll forget /be too drunk to remember.

I'll admit I am scared of her reactions as she doesn't behave like anyone I've ever met, but I also know avoiding the issue is not a long term plan!

She lives around an hours plane ride away so regular visits are not an option, tho until ds was 1we went over almost every other month, I hate staying with them as she gets drunk then bangs around the house, I'm always terrified she'll wake ds then pick him up so I spend my evenings hanging around on the landing to check. Both times with the car seat were at their house - I would NEVER have allowed her to drive ds and if we hadn't avoided the problem by hiding the car seat we wd already have had the argument. I guess I am asking the impossible in trying to say no in a way that will not cause upset... Just so hard!

OP posts:
Gide · 19/05/2016 20:44

Sorry, your DH needs to man up and do this, it's not your job.

Original poster
puttheteaon · 19/05/2016 20:45

To those who mentioned that she feels pushed out, I know she does and it wasn't my intention, but her behaviour has meant that visiting her or them visiting us is a very stressful experience for both me and dh, so we do tend to put it off. We Skype weekly and do still visit every few months but I don't want the stress and worry of her here every 3 weeks. Where is the balance between her right to see ds and our happiness as a family?

OP posts:
Original poster
puttheteaon · 19/05/2016 20:51

Dh is just hoping she forgets about it, just doesn't want the confrontation.. I am worried sick about it and have asked him just to tell her sooo many times, tho you're right, if my mum behaved like this I would tell her.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/05/2016 21:20

How did she announce that she would be doing this childcare? Have either of you responded yet?

I have some sympathy with your DH's approach. My DM makes bonkers pronouncements like this. Mainly to get a rise out of us. If we say no, she gets a lovely big bucket of drama to splash about in. If we ignore it and/or make bland non-committal statements then she gets bored and drops it. She's not normal. DH is used to ignoring her now. I read here recently about grey pebble theory for handling psychopaths. That's what we do. She's not a psychopath but it still works.

Btw I would start openly referring to your MIL as an alcoholic. You all seem to avoid saying it, although she certainly sounds like one from what you've written.

How about: "No, I don't want to visit her. I don't feel comfortable having the children stay with an alcoholic."
"No, I won't leave DS with an alcoholic"
"I understand that you are scared of her moods DH. I can't imagine how hard it must be having a mother who is an alcoholic. I'll take the brunt of her alcoholic rage if you can't handle it."
"Well, there's another nice drunken rant from her. Why do you think she's never gone to AA DH?"

And if she is bonkers enough to turn up and expect to look after DS: "No. That's not going to happen. You have to get yourself clean and sober before we would ever even consider letting you care for DS." With luck you'll get banned from her house for mentioning The Thing That No One Is Allowed To Mention Because That Makes It Real.