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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a Eulogy 'marked'?

35 replies

sukisoo · 17/05/2016 20:26

Ive written a eulogy which I have written for a funeral next week. It is for my DM who died suddenly 3 weeks ago.

I've sent it to my sister and my auntie asking for more input as its turned out to be a bit of a biography (with some humour) and I don't know much about her early career or life at school. My sister has come back changing my grammar and saying shed use a different 'adjective' for something and has put in full stops etc. She's also said i should use the word 'collecting' instead of 'gathered' (in relation to my thoughts) - isn't it the same thing?

My auntie has changed where I've written 'until they moved ready for me and sister to join them' to 'for my sister and i to join them'...which is correct by the way?

They haven't come back with what i wanted which was ideas of funny stories about her as I've had a mind blank and just marked me like I'm at school. The funny thing is that my sis wrote repeatedly 'I think you need shorter SENTANCES'.

AIBU? (maybe a bit sensitive)

OP posts:
Catnuzzle · 17/05/2016 20:28

Not unreasonable at all. And really quite unkind of them Flowers

NapoleonsNose · 17/05/2016 20:32

YANBU and if you are the one reading it out you will probably self-correct any grammar oddities as you go along. The last thing people are going to remember at a funeral is whether you said 'me' or 'I', they are far more likely to recall the funny anecdotes and stories.

ChicRock · 17/05/2016 20:32

YANBU.

You should deliver the eulogy exactly in the way you speak - even if you use the wrong adjective or don't use the correct phrase - otherwise you'll sound stiff and unnatural.

It's going to be hard enough for you as it is.

I think id probably reply to both of them "I'm not sure you understood what I was asking. If you've got any funny or poignant or interesting stories about mum I'd love to hear them and talk about them in the eulogy".

Sorry for your loss Flowers.

JassyRadlett · 17/05/2016 20:33

First, I'm so sorry about your mother. Flowers

Second, your auntie is wrong. You wouldn't say 'for I to join them'.

Third, I can imagine how frustrating that must be! But maybe they also had a mind blank and a 'process' (like marking/editing) was where their minds went at a stressful time? Of course that doesn't help and it's stressful for you too, but maybe it was their way of handling the emotion of reading the eulogy, to get quite clinical about it. One of my brothers and my dad are like that.

In your shoes I'd email back saying 'thanks for the suggestions. Any funny stories about mum from X period?'

Huge sympathy, and well done on taking on such a tough thing. It's such a wonderful thing to do for your mum and her memory.

thetemptationofchocolate · 17/05/2016 20:34

I think your auntie was wrong to correct that. I think you had it right the first time.
If you are stuck on whether to use me or I, you imagine the sentence without the additional person. So your sentence would read 'ready for me to join them' which to me sounds right. Better than 'ready for I to join them'.
I am very sorry for your loss.

hollie11 · 17/05/2016 20:38

I would probably be a bit miffed too. Although - Are you sure that they understood what input you wanted? I would probably think it was a general look over (sentence structure, grammar, people's names right, etc) if you had just said to me "can you look at this and let me know what you think". Did you specifically ask for funny stories, tales from youth, etc, if not, sounds like a genuine mistake??

hollie11 · 17/05/2016 20:39

Ps sorry for your loos

hollie11 · 17/05/2016 20:40

Loss

Original poster
sukisoo · 17/05/2016 20:44

My sis has a bee in her bonnet about this sort of thing. I glided into university academically and she really struggled, when there are family tiffs she always says 'you've achieved nothing in your life' referring to that she's got a masters degree and I haven't.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/05/2016 20:46

You were both wrong! (Though they should have kept out of it.) It should be 'until they moved ready for my sister and me to join them.'

However, they sound really mean correcting you like that when that was clearly not what you wanted.

Original poster
sukisoo · 17/05/2016 20:46

When i look back at our situation, none of our academic achievements matter at all especially now.

We are now in very different stages in our lives despite only being a year apart. Im married with kids and a business whereas she's single and flits from job to job.

Im not sure where and how, with the exception of the masters she has achieved more than me but id NEVER say that to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
sukisoo · 17/05/2016 20:48

Imperial- Instead of 'sister' I actually put my sisters name but didn't want to write it on here.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/05/2016 20:48

As usual with these threads, there's a much bigger problem at stake. What an awful thing to say to someone.

Your poor mum died three weeks ago and she's lashing out at you? That's very unfair.

Here are some Flowers for you.

ImperialBlether · 17/05/2016 20:50

Yes, it's still the same.

'until they moved ready for Jane and me to join them'

I know it sounds odd but you have to break it up like this:

'until they moved ready for Jane to join them'

and

'until they moved ready for me to join them'

So it becomes 'until they moved ready for Jane and me to join them.'

ImperialBlether · 17/05/2016 20:52

It sounds as though she's jealous of you. She might have an MA but you have a business. Can you avoid her in day to day life?

Darrelrivers · 17/05/2016 20:53

Well, I think your eulogy must be really good if they have nothing to add but a few full stops. If you are reading something it is best to write it how you speak so you don't lose your flow. Something like this should come from your heart.
Technically neither is correct, it is "..... My sister and me" you always put yourself last but the word you use to describe yourself should be the same as you would use if there was no list. But this is about your feelings and your mum. It is not about the grammar police. I hope the funeral is the send off your mum wanted and you get to say how you felt about her

BillSykesDog · 17/05/2016 20:55

I think they may have partly misunderstood what you were asking them. You're all going through a horrible and stressful time and this is really not worth any of you getting upset about or falling out over. I think possibly focusing on this is a way of coping for you. It's giving you a distraction from what is really upsetting you (your loss) which is probably a bit of a relief.

I can understand your frustration, but in the circumstances it's best to just let it go. Sorry for your loss. Flowers

BillSykesDog · 17/05/2016 20:57

Actually Darrel, that's a really good point. They haven't made any suggestions on content, which is actually a huge compliment.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 17/05/2016 20:59

One of my grrrrrs is when people use 'and I' incorrectly!!! Probably because my bully of a father was always insisting we use it instead of 'and me'.

Well turns out he was wrong all along! As is your aunt.

This is correct: Sam and I are going to the park later.
Because: if you took the 'Sam and' bit out then 'I' would be correct.

This is incorrect: Would you like to come to the park with Sam and I? (It should be Sam and me.)
Because: if you took the 'Sam and' bit out then you wouldn't use 'I' you would use 'me'.

It's hard to explain this rule - am sure someone else can do a better job!

HawkEyeTheNoo · 17/05/2016 21:00

So so so sorry for your loss. YANBU. The correct way is "my sister and I".
FlowersFlowers

HawkEyeTheNoo · 17/05/2016 21:01

Ooh just read above post.. Maybe I am wrong OP. Sorry, it's just the way I have always written and said it.

FamousSeamus · 17/05/2016 21:07

It's not, Hawk - it should read 'ready for my sister and me to join them'. (The sister is irrelevant to the syntax.)

But that's not really what this is about, anyway - OP, very sorry for your loss, You must be reeling. Are you sure your sister and aunt understood you were looking for anecdotes and funny memories, rather than grammar corrections? I mean, is it possible they are just misunderstanding rather than being snide and teacher-y?

Grammar doesn't make the slightest difference when you're reading something aloud anyway, as long as you pause in the right places to breathe, and don't write endlessly long sentences. Unless you're likely to be terribly nervous, you'll probably go off-piste, anyway - DH did a eulogy for his uncle a few months ago with very limited thinking time. (I think he was asked to do it the night before the funeral, in fact!) I saw what he had scribbled down on a piece of paper, and was there in the church to hear him say very different, and much more moving things, as stuff came to him once he stood up and saw familiar faces.

Very best wishes to you.

TeenAndTween · 17/05/2016 21:10

magicals explanation is spot on.

People focus on funny things when grieving. Try not to let it get to you. Flowers

FibbyMcFibFace · 17/05/2016 21:17

I'm very sorry about your mother. Thanks

I always think when something very sad such as a bereavement that everyone really needs to be as kind as possible to everyone else. Grief effects everyone differently and it certainly seems to make some people act oddly if Mumsnet is anything to go by.

I know there is a back story but I'd try and not worry about it too much at the moment. This is the time to be thinking about your Mum and looking after yourself.

Is it possible that your sister and Auntie simply misunderstood what you wanted. Maybe they genuinely thought your request for her input was a request to double check your grammar and English. You've assumed their corrections were made in an unpleasant and negative way when you don't really know if that is the case or not. I'm sure both your Auntie and sister are upset and grieving too, maybe they just didn't think through what they were doing.

So, I think yabu to assume that your sister and Auntie were being deliberately unkind rather than just thinking them thoughtless. (Which is understandable given the circumstances)

FibbyMcFibFace · 17/05/2016 21:19

Sorry for my multiple typos - Blush

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