to be terrified that my mum may have to come and live with us?

[tactum]

Ugh. Feel horrible even posting this. Thankfully still theoretical at the moment. I know she raised me and you should pay back what you get and all that, but can't really help having all these really negative thoughts about it.

OK. My mum is in her early eighties, lives on her own (dad died 15 yrs ago) about 100 miles from me. Have DB who has wife n 3 kids and DSis who is single and works FT - we all live in different cities. I work PT from home and have 2 pre-teen kids and DH. Mum's memory is deteriorating quite quickly. She is going to have a memory test in the next few weeks. Dr has already questionned if she should be living on her own.

I just know that if she can't cope on her own I am going to be the obvious choice - we have the room, I have the time. I just feel terrified of it happening though.

My DH doesn't really get on with her - nothing overwhelmingly negative, just has nothing in common, not interested in the same things etc, When she stays we can't all find things to watch on the tv, he finds her conversation boring. So when she stays he basically retreats from the lounge and does his own thing.

She asks so many inane bloody questions - clearly this will increase if she is having memory problems - which get on my nerves. She doesn't like the same food as us so I have to change what I cook when she is here. She has increasingly little to do with the kids as they aren't really at the playing games stage anymore.

I just am panicking about having to absorb her into the house on a permenant basis and what it will mean for our family. I just feel like everyone would leave me to it and our nice little family unit would splinter. It would put a huge strain on my and DH relationship. She wouldn't drive and we have no local amenities so would be reliant on me for everything. She doesn't really know anyone here apart from us, and is not very outgoing.

I like my life. I like having time to myself. I am also scared about watching her get worse and the impact that will have on us, let alone just the moving in aspect. She tried to get me to promise years ago that I would make sure she never ended up in a home and I very gently said that wasn't a promise I could make - I wasn't going to potentially ruin 4 lives for the sake of 1.

Anyone?

Eh? Why should you pay back what you get? There's no 'should' about it. Her needs and wants don't override you and your immediate family's. Just say no.
My DM end up on anti depressants and blood pressure medication running round after my grandma who didn't even live with us. When she became too frail to stay in her own home my DM refused to have her and she went into a care home. The relief was immediate. Some elderly people are as selfish in expecting family to care for them as much as family are in not wanting to, often because they don't want to pay! 'Saving for your old age' means exactly this IMO. Now is the time to find a nice care facility and get it spent.

I've just read 'Being Mortal' by Atul Gawande - it's about death, and more specifically about what happens in the time before death. You might find something useful in it. It made me think.

I agree you need to prepare comebacks to your siblings.

But make it less about you and your space and time, and more about finding the best option for your mum, bearing her age and health in mind.

With dementia, depending on what type she has, it may not even be safe to care for her in a family home.

Will she be trying to wonder off at night to make her way "home", either to her own mums house or her old house? Will she take the car?

Will she turn days and night on her head and start cooking 4 am? Will she know how to actually cook, and will she be safe using the stove unsupervised at night?

Remember a person with dementia has NO self insight, wont know she does not remember, wont know she no longer knows HOW to do A, B and C. She will demand the authority and wisdom of old age in all its lucid glory, even when she argues that the sky is green, that she never forgets, she knows how to drive a car (even when you know she doesnt), that you soak tomatoes in lye before chopping them up, and puts the shopping away with the laundry.

Dementia is so much more than just being forgetful.

I feel the same OP and I love my mum to bits. She has hinted at me being her carer (because I'm the only girl!) when she gets worse but I think it would ruin our relationship. I genuinely don't think kids owe it to their parents to care for them just because they looked after us... We are busy now caring for our own children. I lived in the ME and there isn't such a thing as a care home! Parents are cared for by children and inlaws. Even when the parents are in good health they usually live with their adult children. I like my space, independence, freedom to not be on best behaviour.. I would not want my kids looking after me when I'm old either! I feel like this all sounds really selfish though so I'm torn about it.

Bill so she doesnt expect your brother(s) to lift a finger just by dint of them having penises. Id be saying no for that attitude alone!

Helena She would like my brothers help with stuff like house maintenance, maybe shopping etc but the actual caring of her she would want me... Isn't that pretty normal though, not wanting son to see them get out of the bath? I wouldn't want either sons or daughters witnessing me in that state I agree that it shouldn't fall to the daughter automatically. Or the child who has kept up the strongest relationship with their parents who get saddled with the hard work!

Haven't read whole thread.

Why are you making this decision OP, why is doc telling you she shouldn't be alone, where are sis and DB in all this.

I would be saying to them (if you must be the first to air it) that DM needs care/home and how are WE going to tackle it. Don't even mention her living with you then you aren't landed with the guilt.

Don't land yourself with this alone.

Bill i understand what you mean but you often find women doing all the personal care for their elderly fathers too if their mother happened to pass away first.

Quick overview of my mum's situation.

We moved about 80 miles away from mum when she was in her late 70s. Not because we wanted to leave her but because, for our new born DS's sake, it was the best thing - out of an area of London that was seeing more and more knife fights in school, etc, etc,

Anyway, mum hit 80 and decided she liked the little market town we live in when she'd visited us a few times. She lived in a council flat and we were lucky enough, after 2 years, to get a transfer to a flat in sheltered housing. She'd always poo pooed sheltered housing as being 'for old people'! She absolutely refused point blank to live with any of us - she 'likes her own front door' according to her.

She moved into her flat, about 10 minutes walk from me. Six months later she had a heart attack (not brought on by the move - she was incredibly happy about moving). it took six weeks after leaving hospital before she could be left completely alone - I had to do a daily walk with her to get her fitness back. Couldn't have done that if she'd have been at the original flat 80 miles away.

Fast forward a couple of years and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She is still living in her flat - my sisters, DH and I cover her appointments, finances, shopping etc. She got an attendance allowance which we currently spend on a weekly cleaner as we couldn't keep up with her cleaning on top of everything else (all of us have young/teenage children and work part time - DH works full time but often from home which helps).

Her living in sheltered housing (and going to her Day Centre once a week) has helped her a lot. She goes down to the communal lounge each day for a cuppa and a chat - does puzzle books etc with her friends. They keep an eye out for her and knock if they haven't seen her each day. The warden (who is only there in the morning Monday to Friday because of cutbacks unfortunately) organises sing song nights, bingo etc., they had a party there and at the day centre for the Queen's birthday. It's all helping her feel less lonely.

I still get the phone calls saying so and so hasn't turned up (she rang on Sunday saying her cleaner was late - she thought it was Monday) but I don't get the calls for a 'chat' three times a day any more. She has her friends for that which is great.

Mum's block is being redeveloped and they are moving everyone out soon. Mum's lucky enough to get a place in an 'extra care' sheltered scheme - they have 24 hour carers in place on site but each person has their own flat and takes care of their day to day lives. Mum can't wait as they even provide a 2 course hot meal each day (for a fee of course) and mum's now 'getting bored' as she puts it, with cooking. She won't be going back when the old block is finished - her needs have changed.

I'd say sheltered housing, attendance allowance used to buy in care or domestic help (you probably will get it if she is diagnosed with dementia), a good day centre and try to move her closer to you (or another member of the family) so you're not running about like a headless chicken if there's an emergency are the key things. Mum wants and needs her independence and I need my space. I still get driven to distraction - appointments or problems always seem to come when DS needs me or I have a busy week but that's life!

Mum said to me, just a few weeks ago, that moving into sheltered housing was the best thing she ever did - she doesn't have to time to get lonely anymore. Which is a lovely thing to hear.

By the way, if you do get a diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimer's, ask about the Admiral's Nurse service. They are specially trained to support you and your family whilst you work out what you and you DM need and they can point the way to other services (my one was the person who helped us apply for a Blue Badge - which we got).

I know someone who cared for their Dh with alzheimers for a long time longer than they were able to really, because they felt so guilty. The Dh was actually a lot happier and calmer when he eventually went into a home because he was picking up on the frustrations and tensions of his wife.

helena That's very true for the most part. Though my grandad preferred my dad looking after him in his last years so that was more based on who he got on with the most. I'm sure that's the exception though and it mostly falls to the women because we're all the 'caring' ones...

I wouldnt unless a you want to and b you can pool resources and she could like in an annexe. I agree nearby sheltered housing is a good option although that can be a strain too, manage expectaions from day one, get a cleaner in. Someone to do laundry unless you are prepared to take on these tasks. Carers can all in daily, more than once, they can help with getting out pf bed/wasging/dressing/mealsprompting meds etc. Often sheltered housing will have social event and memory cafes.
Peopke who say I wouldnt put my parent's in a home are either saints or have had no experience of caring for someone with health problems or dementia particularly if you have other caring responsibilities. Think carefully before you do anything.

Check she is get attendance allwance too, if not apply, this is non means tested and can be usec to pay yowards support at home.
Check out you local council website for advice and carers support and I think someobe mentioned admiral nurses another great resoruce - if you dont have them locally there is a national helpline.

Bottom line is no you don't have to have her living with you - however guilty or however much obligation you feel it is your choice. You've already articulated that it would impact negatively on your family setup.

You do need to seek some independent advice (age concern perhaps), and you do need a conversation with siblings to look at options.

Oh and forgot to say. If you haven't got it yet, sort out power of attorney. We did mum's over the internet via the government portal - like I said she is in council accommodation so there's no property to sort out. We did it as soon as her dementia diagnosis came through on the advice of the Memory Clinic. Our GP signed the forms after a chat with her without me present so he could be sure there was no coercion. One of my sister's has power of attorney with me but not jointly in case anything happens to either of us. The other sister, who was living abroad at the time, was 'the person who needed to know' that we were taking out a POA.

We have both finance/property and medical for mum. I've only used it to be able to speak to people like a catalogue she has - she'd run up a bill as she forgot how the statement worked so was constantly waiting to be told she had to send a cheque. I rang them, told them I had POA and cancelled her catalogue (Mum agreed it was a good idea but she couldn't understand what they were asking her to do so I took over).

Really, really important to get that done asap if it's dementia - your mum has to be able to understand and sign the forms.

I know she raised me and you should pay back what you get and all that
if this is your reason for feeling you owe her something then the 'debt' is owed jointly with your other 2 siblings

just because you are the one who's organised her life in such a way that you have some spare capacity doesnt mean that you are the one who should bear all the burden

Why is the care and minding of your mother falling to you?
who made that rule?
if your siblings did - then they can cunt off.

Are you Irish? that's what happens in ireland a lot - -
the daughter has to take over the care and feeding of the parents.
and then the first born son inherits everything.

just one of the things that's really annoying about ireland.
btw - i'm irish so i'm allowed say it.

also - its worth bearing in mind that dementia and alzheimer's can lengthen a person's life.
i know loads of elderly that this happened to. you take your mum in, and you could have her for another 15-20 years at least.

I'd rather go in a home than be a burden to my children. I wouldn't want them to resent me the way my Dh now resents his dad.

I know she raised me and you should pay back what you get and all that

I disagree. When your mum raised you, you were tiny. You gradually got bigger and as you did, you became more and more able to look after yourself. Your mother knew things would get easier and easier and having to look after your every need was for a finite time.

Parents are big people and are hard to move around. They can sadly only get worse (unless they are getting over an accident). And it can go on a lot longer than 3-4 years you are looking after a small child. It's really not like looking after a 3 year old. It's much more difficult.

If your mum needs help, either buy in care (or it may be provided if she doesn't have the income) or look into sheltered housing. She needs a full needs assessment.

It is perhaps the best option for your siblings, but not for your mum, and certainly not for you

and your pre-teen kids.

'I know she raised me and you should pay back what you get and all that'

Erm, no. She chose to bring you into the world and bring you up. It's not a bank. You don't owe her care that's been foisted on you and that you don't want to do.

My Gran lived with us for 9 years. My mum was the youngest girl and was pressured into it. As a child who grew up in this situation, I advise a home for the sake of your children. We had a difficult time growing up in that house with being scolded by an elderly cantankerous woman for being loud, not allowed watch what we want on the TV and we watched our mum nearly break with tiredness and strain.
This got increasingly worse as time went on and dementia set in. My mum (now nearly 80) says she wants to go to a home and would never live with any of us. She has even given us a shortlist of places! Unfortunately my MIL is making noises she doesn't want to go to a home and she is a lot younger than FIL so I am worried about the situation on that side. I am preempting the situation now by telling her my experiences and how I wouldn't want that for my children.

Do what is best for your family and you can always visit your mum regularly and ensure she is being very well cared for. Best of luck with making your decision.

Where do you live op? Is there a Belong Village or something similar nearby? www.belong.org.uk
My mum has been able to maintain independence for much longer than she otherwise would have because she has had the support around her.

I know she raised me and you should pay back what you get and all that

And I am doing so by seeing that my mother (who is in an assisted living facility) has the best care we can get for her. And the 'best care' didn't mean having her move in with me. Mentally, it wouldn't have worked due to her dementia and agitation. Physically, as her condition deteriorated, it wouldn't have worked as we would not have been able to perform the tasks needed to keep her comfortable and safe.

My DB and I are very lucky in that our parents, years ago, called us over for a 'meeting' where they informed us that they did NOT want to be a burden to us and that they would prefer to go into an appropriate level of care once they couldn't live alone or be cared for adequately by home care workers. It certainly removed the 'guilt quotient' from the decisions DB and I had to make. DB (single, no children) had been living with her and was her primary carer but she 'turned on him' and was accusing him of terrible crimes, calling 911 on him, telling relatives and friends (and strangers) that he was a rapist and kidnapper. It just got to the point where it was more than we could handle. Oddly enough, her delusions disappeared the day she was moved into her little room at the home. Strange the way the mind works.

Any way, my point is that you must do what is best for ALL of you. Not just Mum and certainly not just your siblings.