to be terrified that my mum may have to come and live with us?

[tactum]

Ugh. Feel horrible even posting this. Thankfully still theoretical at the moment. I know she raised me and you should pay back what you get and all that, but can't really help having all these really negative thoughts about it.

OK. My mum is in her early eighties, lives on her own (dad died 15 yrs ago) about 100 miles from me. Have DB who has wife n 3 kids and DSis who is single and works FT - we all live in different cities. I work PT from home and have 2 pre-teen kids and DH. Mum's memory is deteriorating quite quickly. She is going to have a memory test in the next few weeks. Dr has already questionned if she should be living on her own.

I just know that if she can't cope on her own I am going to be the obvious choice - we have the room, I have the time. I just feel terrified of it happening though.

My DH doesn't really get on with her - nothing overwhelmingly negative, just has nothing in common, not interested in the same things etc, When she stays we can't all find things to watch on the tv, he finds her conversation boring. So when she stays he basically retreats from the lounge and does his own thing.

She asks so many inane bloody questions - clearly this will increase if she is having memory problems - which get on my nerves. She doesn't like the same food as us so I have to change what I cook when she is here. She has increasingly little to do with the kids as they aren't really at the playing games stage anymore.

I just am panicking about having to absorb her into the house on a permenant basis and what it will mean for our family. I just feel like everyone would leave me to it and our nice little family unit would splinter. It would put a huge strain on my and DH relationship. She wouldn't drive and we have no local amenities so would be reliant on me for everything. She doesn't really know anyone here apart from us, and is not very outgoing.

I like my life. I like having time to myself. I am also scared about watching her get worse and the impact that will have on us, let alone just the moving in aspect. She tried to get me to promise years ago that I would make sure she never ended up in a home and I very gently said that wasn't a promise I could make - I wasn't going to potentially ruin 4 lives for the sake of 1.

Anyone?

The happiest very old people I know are living in extracare/sheltered housing. They moved in before their health really gave way, and they have a community around them, into which they are settled.

This, 100%.

Yanbu, I can see your points.

However, if a doctor is questioning whether she should be on her own, then it's almost a certainty that she shouldn't.

I don't know the answer.

grey there are plenty of ways to ensure that she isn't on her own that don't involve her moving in with her daughter.

Factsheet on accommodation options for older people with dementia.

What about your Dbro and Dsis? Can they pitch in too, even if it's just financially (eg some help for you at home etc)?
Could she move much closer to you and have a carer/you going in everyday rather her being in your house?

There are facilities who have 'step down' facilities. They start off in a little flat with minimal supervision and as their condition deteriorates they simply move from one place to the next within the same facility/property.

My auntie is in one. Right now she has a small flat and takes her meals in a dining room or fixes herself something in her basic kitchenette. Housekeeping is provided and staff 'pops in' on her several times a day 'just to say hi'. Her next step (and it's rapidly approaching) will be a room with bath, all meals provided, any meds brought to her, and she can either take part in activities in a shared lounge or they will check on her in her room every 20 minutes. The 'last' step-down is a convalescent hospital. It's all within the same property.

My own mum is in an assisted living as she has dementia. But it's a lovely, homelike facility and she's very contented.

It doesn't have to fall to one of you. One of my teachers at school told the class about when it was her turn to have the elderly aunt to live with her for a year. Then she moved on to the next relative. So noone's life was ruined and everyone did a bit to help out.

Would your mum with her age and condition really be expecting you to be chauffeuring her about all the time? My grandma had her elderly aunt live with her for over a decade. She turned the dining room into a separate living room and the aunt basically sat in front of the telly all the time. She had her meals cooked, and we all went in to say hello when we visited but she didn't seem to need a lot of attention.

Have a meeting with your siblings, either on Skype or in person, to discuss mum's situation. You can be the instigator but it is a collective responsibility. I agree with other posters, there are many other options that moving your DM in.

it was her turn to have the elderly aunt to live with her for a year Was this King Lear?!

we all went in to say hello when we visited but she didn't seem to need a lot of attention. Oh, didn't she by jove? Who was doing the personal care (washing and taking her to the loo/changing her), arranging GP/doctor visits, cooking, feeding - not to mention entertaining random relatives turning up and thinking she didn't need much doing for her...

If you could ask your mum when you were a child what would she have said about you sacrificing your marriage and life for her? You already know that it would put a huge strain on everyone and nobody will be happy even mum will pick up the atmosphere. look into local assisted living options where your near enough to help but not in each others pockets. Insist that your family take their share either having her for holidays or travelling and staying local so you can go away and have breaks without worrying who is on call. In these situations its common for one family member to do it all while the others carry on as normal that's not fair no matter how logical the choice and will only breed resentment.

Definitely look into a care home, one that specialises in dementia care if needs be.

In my experience, a patient requiring high levels of care, can be too much for a relative caring for them at home.

Over time their needs will increase, washing, feeding, taking to the loo, settling to bed at night. It's bloody hard work and if your heart isn't in it then that's ok. Do not be forced into it. It takes over your entire life, as well as kids and DP.

I agree you should look first at sheltered housing or an arrangement where carers go in to sort out meals, medication, shopping etc. We have a combination of those for my mother, and I just know it would be wholly unworkable for her to come and live with us - indeed, I very much doubt that she would enjoy it either. If she reaches the point when those are not enough we'll probably have to look into a home, but it seems OK at the moment (she's 90).

My mum had this situation with her mum - her brothers thought she should take on care since she was retired and had the room (and was a girl).
She put her foot down firmly that that wasnt going to happen, and they found a fantastic home for her. My mum has said she wouldnt mind going there herself if the time comes!

My gran made a lot of friends and really came much more back to her old self before sadly passing away, it was absolutely the right choice for her.

I also can't imagine a scenario where i sit down with her and say 'sorry, I'm not up for it'.

So don't! You don't have to phrase it like that anyway. I would prepare what you're going to say in case she puts you on the spot. Instead of saying 'Sorry I'm not up to it', turn it around. Say 'Mum, you wouldn't enjoy living with us. I have a busy life with work and the DC, you don't like the food we like to eat, you don't like the same programs on telly, we're very isolated and it would be boring for you, etc'. Tell her you're going to find her somewhere where she'll be cared for, where there will be others her own age, amenities nearby for her to enjoy. You get the idea.

You do not have to do this. For all the reasons everyone else has said, her moving in with you is not the best option for you, for your family, or for her. If you take her in, once she is in your home and being cared for by you, you will find it very, very difficult to get her out when her needs do become more complex. The fact that you may no longer be coping will not be a factor in this.

And be very wary if your other relatives say they will take a turn after you. My PILS took his mother in, on a 'temporary basis', shortly after they got married. Plan was that the other 2 siblings would take their turn. It never happened and she lived with my PILS until she died at 95.

This may sound silly, and I apologise in advance for that, but have you asked your Mum what she wants? Moving into a house with other people when she has been on her own for 15 years may not be what she wants. I know when my Grandad was getting older he said he wanted to go into a home because he had seen my Gran struggle to look after her parents and he didn't want the same for my Mum. My Mum said the same actually, and we were looking at homes for her before she died. She had been happy in sheltered accomadation for years before that, she had a better social life than me.

I know I couldn't have coped with her living with us, no matter how much I loved her, and she would have hated living in our busy house.

First of all get the assessment done and see what the results are.

No, YANBU at all. Just because it seems most convenient for you to have her to live with you that doesn't make it the right decision. It can literally break people and families having a dementia sufferer living with you. It is relentless, largely thankless and emotionally draining.

It may be best to keep her living at home with carers or in a local care provision if she will otherwise lose her friends and activities. If it has gone beyond that point consider moving her to a local to you care home or sheltered living. Look to the future a little and avoid multiple moves which are highly disturbing.

Do you have lasting power of attorney sorted out? If not do so without delay as it is vital.

Please don't feel guilty about this. I've seen the most devoted daughters do it and crack. It's why care homes exist. Unfortunately whatever you chose it will end up with a lot of your time and energy being used and it sounds as if it will be you so make plans with that in mind.

Good luck.

Please don't let anyone guilt-trip you into this. If dementia is on the cards then you will almost certainly have a very, very hard road ahead. Carers coming in several times a day might be enough at this stage (that is if your mother will accept them - not everybody will) or an assisted-living place, or extra care housing. But the move to anything like that should be done sooner than later, since once dementia gets to the stage where it's likely to bother other residents, the person may well be asked to leave, or will not be accepted in the first place.

Never under-estimate the strain dementia can put on a family. Among many other things my FIL would ask the same question over and over (I once counted 35 times in ONE hour) but it was when he started wandering around half the night, banging and shouting and trying to get out of the house at 3 am, that we decided enough was enough. Aside from dh working long hours in a demanding job, we had dds coming up to GCSEs and A levels. We all needed our sleep, and the situation had become unsustainable. Might add that this sort of behaviour is VERY common, and it's no earthly use saying anything, since the person will simply be unable to remember that they must not do it.

I would certainly try to organise pop-in carers first, and see how that goes. It can work very well, unless/until the person gets to the stage where they are not safe to be left alone at all, in which case it's time for a care home. And despite the horror stories in the media, there are some lovely ones out there. And by that I don't mean the smartest or most expensive - far from it.

Might add that after our experience with FIL, when it came to my mother some years later, there was no way I was doing it again. I did love her, but she had never been the easiest person in the world anyway. We supported her in her own home as best we could for as long as possible, but eventually a care home was the only viable option - by then she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea and her short term memory was zero.

This is my fear with MIL as DP is an only child. She stayed with us for a week following his dad dying and I was desperate for my home back. Incessant inane questions, wanting to watch utter tripe on tv, picky eater.....

My mum lived with us for quite a few years. It never occurred to me it would be me she lived with as she got on so much better with one of my brothers; in the event I wanted her here. DD was young, and they spent a lot of time together, to the great enrichment of both. It was good for me as it meant I got to go out once in a while too. That said, we all got on fairly well; she was patient and put up with dh's (unintended) rudeness.

It works for some, it works for some at one stage or another, it doesn't work for everyone at all (or any) life stages.

If your siblings immediately jump on you, then I suggest you ask your sister why she doesn't move in with mum. Or your brother why he doesn't want a built in babysitter who will bring so much richness into the lives of his young children.

Then start talking about the alternatives, of which there are many.

My mil had caters coming in 4 times a day to get her up, dress, wash and feed her. They also took her to the loo, changed her pads and would come back in the evening to put her to bed.
She had Parkinson's and as she got worse she got increasingly difficult, sometimes downright unpleasant. I know it was the illness but it was still deeply upsetting to deal with.
She passed away just at the point where she could no longer live at home and there is no way I could have coped with her living with us, despite loving her very much

Can I just ask what happens if the parent in questioon has no money except state pension and rents, so no home to sell? I live in fear of this happening and I know there is no way we could afford to pay any of the cost of care for them and they have no way of paying for themselves

There's no way in hell I'd do this. Selfish, I know, but caring for someone with dementia is not something I'm prepared to do and if it were me, I'd want to be in a home or better yet, euthanised/assisted suicide.

I would pop into your local Age Concern and discuss it, they are very helpful.
I have already told my children that they are not to be responsible for me when I am old, and if I say differently when I am they are to remember the conversation.