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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to give up and let mum and MIL fight it out over as-yet-unconceived grandchildren?!

80 replies

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 17/05/2016 13:25

Backstory: my mum has two grandchildren, both from my brother. She knows DP and I are thinking about babies (though we're in the early stages of TTC, which I suspect she doesn't realise). Mum has always 'let off steam' to me about DB - and particularly about his wife. She likes his wife very much, but she has a blind spot with my brother - he's the golden child - and in particular, she and my dad are united in the firm belief that he is the conscientious, strict parent while my SIL is the lax, permissive one who occasionally undermines his good order.

This would be funny if it weren't so annoying, because everyone else notices in five minutes that my DB's kids have him wrapped around their little fingers and that SIL bombs around getting things organised. She's also developed the belief she is sadly denied opportunities to see her grandchildren, because they often go on holiday to visit their other grandparents in Spain (as you would). DM usually admits she hadn't actually invited DB and family, or suggested she visit them, during these holidays, mind. Hmm

Increasingly, it is clear DM is using comments on this situation as a covert way of hinting about what DP and I should do, should we ever have babies. It is very obvious this will put her in direct conflict with DP's mum. DM is a very 70s, conscientious-middle-class-parenting type, thinks breastfeeding is practically a sacrament, that babies should never be in nursery and should always have a large garden to run in, and should always be stimulated with naice books, educational trips, and no TV. DMIL proudly weaned hers before one month, is very relaxed about TV, etc.

Both are vocal about expectations, though DMIL is markedly less annoying because she simply says what she thinks, while DM prefers to convey her views through the medium of contorted facial expressions and hints so subtle DP generally has no clue what she's getting at.

They have never met. They will meet in the next few months. DP and I have realised that this is likely to result in a, erm, robust exchange of views.

Should we a) warn them, trusting them to act as adults, b) attempt to mediate, pointing out that as the potential baby's potential parents, we might have some say in issues like breastfeeding, or c) light the blue touch paper and stand well clear?

OP posts:
RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 08:33

argy - YY, I am sure both GMs will offer lots of value. Smile

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/05/2016 08:34

I assume your DP is having fertility treatment then and you DM and MIL are aware of it? That would explain the pre-pregnancy discussions more than if you and a male partner were thinking of TTC I think.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 08:37

ghoul - yes, plus I think both of them are doing that excited 'ooh, we didn't expect this' thing. They don't know we're TTC but we've discussed it in a vague way, if you know what I mean.

I get the impression they both think they're absolutely sitting on their hands, being very restrained ... and then they burst out with things.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/05/2016 08:42

In that case I think letting them fight it out is the only way!

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/05/2016 08:44

I guess we have a different idea of what constitutes bringing the house down with hilarity. If you're happy with it, fly free. Good luck with ttc.

paxillin · 18/05/2016 08:44

Do NOT under any circumstances ask for opinions on names, you'll never hear the end of it. Anyway, this is your PFB, the only chance you'll ever get at a bit of pregzilla-ing, enjoy it! Next time will be just as tough (or worse, because you'll have a toddler, too), but nobody will give a shit.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 08:50

pax - oh, yes, names. No doubt!

And thank you. Sorry, I realise it's pregzilla. I didn't think how it might come across - I was just chattering on really, cos we're excited. It's just one of those things you can't talk about anywhere, you know? And both mum and MIL are nice, but every time they hint I'm bursting to say 'ooh, yes, we are actually in the process' but obviously, we can't as it might all come to nothing. So I think I was just trying to let a bit of that out!

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 18/05/2016 08:51

I think you've blown it already by admitting to the possibility of DC. We took Barbarian's approach to the extent that both DM and MIL were completely gobsmacked when we told them we were expecting DC1. Having pretty much given up on the idea of GC, they were both too pleased to be getting one to dare to prefer advice or opinion [evil grin]

paxillin · 18/05/2016 08:53

It's the first! It's easy to forget the excitement. You are allowed to show unsuspecting friends sticks somebody peed on, frame the scan pictures and paint the belly. All too soon you will be ironing school trousers and swatting times tables. It's still fun, but just a little bit less magical.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 09:00

Grin That is a much better strategy, barbarian, but you must have ninja levels of self restraint. We're too good at letting the cat out of the bag.

DMIL was gobsmacked even at the idea, though - she keeps asking are we sure in this doubtful way, but clearly she is pleased.

pax - thank you! And fingers crossed, yes! Though I will draw the line at showing anyone pee sticks.

OP posts:
Wdigin2this · 18/05/2016 09:01

My advice is, never listen to advice you haven't ask for, let them get on with their discussion and go and make the tea, don't worry when you give birth, you'll block them all out anyway!!

And yes, I'm interested in why they've never met?

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 09:06

Because we're cringing at the idea of it, basically!

Actually I am sure it will be fine. But they are absolutely chalk and cheese. We've raised the possibility of meetings but so far they've not bitten.

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spanky2 · 18/05/2016 09:06

Do what you think is right for any dcs that come along. Don't do stuff to please them as you'll end up pleasing no one. Your mum sounds a bit bossy and liking things her way. I also think controlling and the golden boy and rude about her dil, ring alarm bells for me. I hope when you have dcs she doesn't play them off against your brother's dcs.

ollieplimsoles · 18/05/2016 09:10

Do your own thing op! Don't listen to any advice you don't want to hear either!

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 09:11

Oh, I don't think she would TBH. She has her faults, but she loves her grandchildren.

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TendonQueen · 18/05/2016 09:13

If your MIL has said 'are you sure?' then you have definitely told them you're ttc, no matter how 'vague' you might think you've been. So now it'll be open season to ask whether you would breastfeed, isn't Camilla a lovely name, and tell you you have to watch what you're eating.. The lesson in all this is: say as little as possible about your intentions.

These people do seem a bit over-invested given that for your mum at least, it's not going to be her first grandchild. How often are these conversations happening?

I do also think you could speak up to your mum a bit about your SIL and point out she is seeing your brother with rose tinted glasses.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 09:18

No, we've not told them yet.

It's not as if we can fall pregnant by accident - they have both asked us (Mum, suspiciously, 'but are you ... you know ... DOING anything? With ... sperm?'), but we've denied, because we just don't want to have to talk about it if it doesn't work out.

I regularly try to talk my mum down about SIL. She knows we think she's bonkers (my little brother tries too). DB and SIL also know we think she's bonkers. But I'm sure it could be worse.

OP posts:
Bear2014 · 18/05/2016 09:20

They sound like pretty much every set of prospective grandparents going. Ours are total polar opposites too, and didn't even meet until DD was 6 months as they live 400 miles apart and we never got married so had no reason to. As pp have said, just smile then ignore. It's a tactic that has worked for 1000s of years.

TendonQueen · 18/05/2016 09:21

But you said your MIL 'keeps asking are we sure in this doubtful way' - so what is it she's asking if you're sure about?

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 09:22

I think she's trying to ask if we've made the decision yet.

OP posts:
gotthemoononastick · 18/05/2016 09:26

That they might ' fight ' is small onions OP!

They will join the' pearl clutching' subculture of older relatives who copy and paste apocalypse articles on nutrition,pool safety and DANGER! all around the world. and if you are lucky/ unlucky ,you will get these too when the precious one arrives.

The internet is the new open university for we older ones who are now astonished at how little we knew.How our babies even survived! Grannies worry. Remember you are your Mum's precious and DH is his Mum's precious too.

United they will stand and of course you will be 'discussed'. Part of the territory.

Pee sticks !!another wonder!

Piemernator · 18/05/2016 09:27

My Mother had 6 DC who had to fend for themselves and the older ones looked after the younger ones. Running round the beach disappearing for hours. Lots of scrapping, I almost drowned and very haphazard.

My MIL has 2 DC who grew up in a structured Peter and Jane type environment.

They don't really get on but I don't care. They are both too polite to actually argue about stuff fortunately. They both agree 100% on table manners.

If it came to an actual punch or argument up my Mother would have won as she is as feisty as hell though sadly very disabled now. She would still win a verbal argument.

Maybe section off a part of your garden and throw a conucopia of weapons in the middle and do a Hunger Games style fight.

FamousSeamus · 18/05/2016 09:35

Honestly, OP, I know you're being light-hearted but they do sound awfully over-involved. I'd been with my partner, now DH, for 20 years before we had DS, and we had both known one another's parents well since we were teenagers, and still the first they knew about it was when we told them I was 17 week's pregnant!

All four grandparents are lovely grandparents to DS, but are well aware that while I'm interested as social history in what their baby-rearing techniques in the 1960s and 70s were, the only other person I listen to as regards parenting DS is DH.

paxillin · 18/05/2016 09:52

If they do get over involved, suggest something outlandish and watch their relief when you actually end up doing something quite conventional.

"We will call her Petunia Priscilla Nonciata Robin-RobinsDP Junior." And then call her Mathilda. "We will have him educated by chanting yogi wisdoms only" and then send him to a Steiner school.

brummiesue · 18/05/2016 13:36

Umm you arent pregnant......deal with it all when it actually happens

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