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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to give up and let mum and MIL fight it out over as-yet-unconceived grandchildren?!

80 replies

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 17/05/2016 13:25

Backstory: my mum has two grandchildren, both from my brother. She knows DP and I are thinking about babies (though we're in the early stages of TTC, which I suspect she doesn't realise). Mum has always 'let off steam' to me about DB - and particularly about his wife. She likes his wife very much, but she has a blind spot with my brother - he's the golden child - and in particular, she and my dad are united in the firm belief that he is the conscientious, strict parent while my SIL is the lax, permissive one who occasionally undermines his good order.

This would be funny if it weren't so annoying, because everyone else notices in five minutes that my DB's kids have him wrapped around their little fingers and that SIL bombs around getting things organised. She's also developed the belief she is sadly denied opportunities to see her grandchildren, because they often go on holiday to visit their other grandparents in Spain (as you would). DM usually admits she hadn't actually invited DB and family, or suggested she visit them, during these holidays, mind. Hmm

Increasingly, it is clear DM is using comments on this situation as a covert way of hinting about what DP and I should do, should we ever have babies. It is very obvious this will put her in direct conflict with DP's mum. DM is a very 70s, conscientious-middle-class-parenting type, thinks breastfeeding is practically a sacrament, that babies should never be in nursery and should always have a large garden to run in, and should always be stimulated with naice books, educational trips, and no TV. DMIL proudly weaned hers before one month, is very relaxed about TV, etc.

Both are vocal about expectations, though DMIL is markedly less annoying because she simply says what she thinks, while DM prefers to convey her views through the medium of contorted facial expressions and hints so subtle DP generally has no clue what she's getting at.

They have never met. They will meet in the next few months. DP and I have realised that this is likely to result in a, erm, robust exchange of views.

Should we a) warn them, trusting them to act as adults, b) attempt to mediate, pointing out that as the potential baby's potential parents, we might have some say in issues like breastfeeding, or c) light the blue touch paper and stand well clear?

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 17/05/2016 14:35

Well they are making a lot of assumptions. Many people take months or years to conceive. I would be encouraging all of them to back the hell out of your business.
" I don't want to talk about it"
Lots of over sharing and being too involved in each others lives going on.

sleeponeday · 17/05/2016 16:53

I think you have the best POSSIBLE excuse to do exactly what you like now. I mean, if either side is vehement about anything you can smile sympathetically, explain the other Granny is equally firm on the opposite, "so I just went with the current advice on that/my own gut instinct." Use the other as a lightning conductor!

Also: I have to say, your mum sounds a lovely woman as a parent, but the MIL stuff made me twitch. Your poor SIL can't do right for doing wrong, can she.

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/05/2016 19:24

They've never met. You're not pregnant nor have children yet. What is there to give up and let them fight over? You sound like a bit of a drama llama.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 17/05/2016 21:30

Sorry, should I have put 'lighthearted' in the title?

I think it's obvious that I'm not actually hoping to incite two middle-aged women to fight in public. Nor, despite my enthusiastic response earlier to rubber, will I bring any kind of cinematic snacks. Promise.

OP posts:
RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 17/05/2016 21:36

Oh, and I forgot to say - sleep, oh yes, I am too! SIL has a great deal of my sympathy (and support). Luckily she does a good line in subtle eyerolling and so we bond.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 17/05/2016 21:36

(c) and sell tickets on MN?

It was just as well that DM and MIL lived way apart and rarely met. They were both addicted to having their own way and overfull of well-meant advice, so all this sounds familiar!

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/05/2016 02:31

I don't think anyone thought you expected a literal brawl. OP doesn't read as funny, I'm afraid.

Trumpton · 18/05/2016 06:51

Read "Katie Morag and the Two Grannies".

My DM was just like Granny Island , relaxed ,scruffy and a great hill walker ,who fostered myriads of children while having 3of her own children in 4 years and a DH in the forces which entailed 14 house moves in 15 years.she believed in benien neglect.

My DMIL ,on the other hand is Granny Mainland to a T. Vain, fluffy, immaculate . Lived in one house for 50 years and had one perfect attachment parented child ( much to her sorrow , she would have loved a 2nd) . She would still micro manage DH and worries about every tiny thing.

They had very different methods to their grandparenting but in the end a child cannot have too many people in their lives who love them.

I just learned over the years that my DM was ,perhaps, not the most reliable but the children felt relaxed and comfortable in her company whilst DMIL would walk over hot coals for them but would let you know ,discretely ,in how much pain she was ! The children found her constant fussing too much.

I think what I am trying to say is ,nod and smile and if it does come to battle lines then and only then draw them firmly. Your ( plural ) children your rules !

AND yes yes to the lovely way the DC get " unsuitable " presents, that bought me great joy !

FreshHorizons · 18/05/2016 07:07

I agree with Zaurak - smile, nod, ignore and quietly do your own thing. Don't get drawn in by either side. If you feel that you have to say something stick with 'really' said in a neutral tone, without a question mark. If they really push you for an answer say 'I will think about it' and then if they push you further you can say in surprised tones 'Yes, I have already said that I will think about it'.
The secret is not to engage with either.

FreshHorizons · 18/05/2016 07:08

Trumpton is right- children are very adaptable.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 07:09

Grin Will do, andrew.

sheba - ok, I'm sorry it doesn't meet your high standards. Thanks for spreading your sweetness and light.

trumpton - ooh, I remember Katie Morag! Not that one though. Sounds great. I am tempted to get it for DB and SIL. SIL would love it (does this fall under the category of 'unsuitable' presents?!).

OP posts:
blueturtle6 · 18/05/2016 07:11

I have this issue with two family members, totally different views both with older children, so think both can advise me, I just throw a hot topic in the mix and sit back enjoy the show...

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/05/2016 07:26

Will they really discuss babies when you're not even pg yet? That seems a bit crazy. Especially to the extent you think it will get heated. Just let the conversation flow naturally.

VioletBam · 18/05/2016 07:28

God. It seems you're making issues before there's even a baby here!

puglife15 · 18/05/2016 07:35

I'm just struggling to imagine them discussing the intricacies of childrearing when there's not even a child on the way...

I've had the odd opinionated comment about the way I'm actually choosing to parent ("still" breastfeeding, not doing CIO, feeding on demand, not over-praising or ignoring behaviour) but it's weird to be so obsessed and vocal before there's a baby even here...

I actually feel sorry for you having to put up with this and suggest you put your foot down hard, otherwise imagine what it will be like in the moment!

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/05/2016 08:05

puglife, she's not putting up with anything. There are no kids and the parents have never met. That's why I think she's being a bit of a drama llama.

BalloonSlayer · 18/05/2016 08:05

Have to say you sound like a bit of a pregzilla in the making yourself.

You're not even pregnant yet and you're posting a thread about how everyone's going to be fighting over your baby . . . ? Confused

I do wish you all the best, but it's clear that this thread is not actually about a problem but is just you expressing your excitement that you have just started TTC.

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 08:08

balloon - ok, I'm sorry, I misjudged my tone (though I enjoyed the first few replies and thought they 'got' it). You're right, I was excited and was finding MIL and DM quite funny, and I wanted to chat about it. It wasn't meant to be a serious 'AIBU' - though I was slightly hoping people would say useful things - it was just me wanting to have a gossip about it all because I'm quite excited.

FWIW I TTC for ages with my ex, and kept miscarrying, and now I'm with DP (who's a woman), and she's trying, and it is quite exciting for us, so I was just feeling happy and a bit silly.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 18/05/2016 08:19

"This would be funny if it weren't so annoying...."

There's nothing in the OP to suggest humour. It's a rant about the parents and a question over "giving up" over a drama that's not happening between people who've never met over children who don't exist. I've just read it again and it's just....not funny or playful.

Good luck with ttc though. I hope it all works out.

paxillin · 18/05/2016 08:22

You'll have plenty of tips, they'll get more urgent when you don't agree. You fear DM and DMIL. But the hints will come from DM, DMIL, DColleagues, DNeighbours, DMilkman, Drandom-on-the-bus... Grin

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 08:24

Oh, for pity's sake, sheba. I'm sorry you don't find it funny. Why don't you read something else, though? I'm not a paid-up professional comedian.

pax - heh, true!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2016 08:29

FWIW I TTC for ages with my ex, and kept miscarrying, and now I'm with DP (who's a woman), and she's trying, and it is quite exciting for us, so I was just feeling happy and a bit silly.

So your partner will be the one breastfeeding but you think your mum will have an argument with her mum about what your partner chooses to do?! It sounds too much like hard work to me.

The solution that dh and I found worked best is totally refusing to discuss babies until there is one.

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/05/2016 08:30

I can't see how the first replies "got it", either. They just seem to be giving some practical advice while gently pointing out that the situation doesn't exist.

ArgyMargy · 18/05/2016 08:32

We had two grandmothers with very different views/upbringing but in reality they both offered lots of value to our DC. It did help that neither were in close proximity so it never got messy. They have met and get on fine for a short period... As long as you can control their input to any children you have, you'll be fine I'm sure!!

RobinsAreTerritorialFuckers · 18/05/2016 08:33

I liked the ones that were funny, sheba. Like the popcorn reply.

I liked the gentle advice too. It was nice.

OP posts: