To think if people want to disappear, they have the right to?

[LunaLoveg00d]

Just saw a piece on TV about a 26 year old man who walked out of his life 6 years ago, taking his passport and cash with him. Since then he has had no contact with any friends and family and understandably his parents are distraught.

A couple of weeks ago the police informed the parents that their adult son had surfaced in Spain, alive and well. Parents are now even more distraught that nobody will tell them where he is or help them make contact.

It must be a very difficult situation but surely an adult has the right to cut off all contact, leave the country and then have the right to decide when/if he wants to contact his parents and friends again?

Always- I take your point re mental illness in and of itself not being sufficient t conclude that a person's wishes can be over-ridden. I didn't mean to imply otherwise. You are right that simply having a mental illness does not mean your reasons for leaving are not valid or that you should not have the right to remain anonymous, because it is true that most people with mental illness remain competent to make decisions for themselves.

Like anchor, you have followed on advice from professionals and acted to ensure your safety and I'm not saying for one minute you should have acted differently or should contact your family.

That said, there are cases where mental illness is an issue and the disappearance is not related to abuse/violence and the like, with the person's mental illness causing on-going concerns regarding their welfare. I can understand parents in those circumstances being worried enough to use a private investigator to find out what was really going on.

1. Nobody leaves a 'normal' family to live in a new country for no reason. Uprooting yourself with only 2000 quid is not easy. I find it incredible that people think anyone does this for no reason.

1. The theory that there are mental health issues - do you see that this gives the parents a 'justifiable' reason to hunt down the son to the ends of the earth? Because by saying 'we are worried about his mental health' everyone will think they are very good people who are only trying to help their son. In fact, the more they hound their son, the better they will look. People will say, oh, look at those determined parents, determined to do everything to find their son and help him, they have even hired a private detective bless them.

1. Like a pp said, we don't know the facts. Just saying that it is scary how people can plead the innocent to justify oppressing their family members and gain public support. The son has had no chance to tell his own story and he will lose because he has already been tried in the Daily Mail court of justice and everybody already thinks he is BVVU.

Personally, and maybe biased, I think that provided the concerns Spanish authorities have are able to be addressed, and this man's welfare can be taken care of in Spain without his parents then they should respect his wishes.

Should Spanish "SS" or Police believe his parents need to be involved, they would allow and arrange it, if they thought this man wasn't not able to make his own decision regarding people he has contact with, they would over rule his decisions based on mental incapacity, as would be their duty of care.

The fact that no one but the parents believe they have a right to know his whereabouts or his health says to me that they should leave him well alone.

Yes, sons of the man who faked his death for insurance money probably deserved the pain and grief and that poor man had his good reasons for putting them through it - because "no one would leave a 'normal' family".

As much as there are folk who leave with good reason, there must be selfish, egotistical idiots who just don't give a shit. I don't like the tone that it's always the case that those left behind desreve it or obviously caused it.

I think in the case of a missing person then the Police should tell family that the person has been found alive and well.
They should also stress that it is up to that person if they wish to contact them.

yes, people have the right to disappear, but a short letter even if to local Police would be better than wasting police time and worrying the family, not knowing if they were dead or alive.

awliga

There is much in what you have said. I am sure many people who disappear do so because they need to keep themselves safe.

However, I have come across a reasonable number of people who have left a pretty "normal" family and disappeared due to mental illness, sometimes prolonged illness. In some cases this was triggered by a traumatic event (not abuse by a spouse or parent or anything like that) and subsequent mental illness, leading to them feeling their family would be better off without the or wrongly thinking their family are a threat to them, for instance. This leads them to simply up and leave- some have enough foresight to take bank cards, passport etc, some don't. Their families may have known that their loved one was not coping well/not well, but did not always realise the extent of the distress or illness. Some of the families were aware their loved one was ill but buried their head in the sand and hoped it would get better by itself; some asked for help and didn't get it. Few had no idea, but many would find that difficult to admit to, at public at least.

Those "missing persons" whom I have met (admittedly this was some time ago) have come to the attention of services due to being mentally ill and requiring treatment (in a few cases via a homeless shelter who recognised that he was very mentally unwell), or have been receiving treatment for mental illness and disclose their history when we ask about next of kin/we couldn't track old medical records/during therapy. When you ask patients (once they are recovered) why they haven't got in contact it is usually feelings of shame, guilt, fear of rejection or still feeling their family are better off without them that have prevented them getting back in contact, as opposed to fear for their own safety. I only met one person who had left due to violence at home.

Obviously, I am not saying that this is true of everyone. Just saying that there are people whose families would be legitimately looking for their loved one out of genuine concern for their welfare.

And lastly, there are also a small minority who disappear for entirely selfish reasons. Not every family left behind "deserves" it.

I doubt anybody thinks all families left behind deserve it, obviously they don't, but at present the default position that we always start at is the selfish deserter isn't right ether. So when FB get plastered in 'missing please share' posts they automatically get shared, despite warnings about abusers using these posts to re find their escaped victims and we blindly help them. Maybe a little common sense wouldn't go amiss, realise we may only have half the story.

Scaredy - true, i'm always surprised that people share the posts on the likes of FB looking for someone or trying to shame someone - when they have no idea of the circumstances.

Oh brilliant, DM are now reporting the parents version of why he disappeared. So what he was trying to escape is now plastered all over the internet
I not repeating it, it feels wrong too.

I agree Scaredy.

So now, he will really thank his parents for spreading his shit all over the internet. After all they are just concerned and only want to help, because of how much they love him. They are just worried, that's why they spoke to the Daily Mail and spilled all his beans for the world to see.

This reminds me of that saying about God save me from my friends, I can take of my enemies myself. Nobody but his parents would have had the ammo to do this to him (in the name of love, of course)

I agree everyone has the right, but he could have written to his parents to tell them he was safe and well and he didn't want any contact. It's the not knowing that's often the worst part when people go missing.

Creme with all due respect, he may not have that capacity; he may not want to reassure them of anything; he may never have given them a second thought due to having his own issues.

What you see as common decency is, in some cases, asking an abused and scared person to tell their abuser where they are!

It's the not knowing that's often the worst part when people go missing

But how would they know? They certainly wouldn't consider a letter to be proof of anything. They have said they want to catch a flight out there to see him to assure themselves that he's ok. The mother said she wants to give him a cuddle. I don't think a letter is what she's after I'm afraid.

I don't think they would respect any letters, and usually if parents are the kind to accept such letters (letters? letters? already we are in the realm of the absurd) then the dc wouldn't be running away from them in the first place.

I really hope my dd will never be estranged from me, but if she were I wouldn't be saying 'the least she could do is write me a letter so I know she's ok'.

I don't think you can say how you would react if your child had gone missing and you spent years grieving for them - wondering if they were dead or alive.

People seem surprised that parents can't accept this kind of seperation from their child. We also have no idea if the media manipulated or were inventive with the reporting.

I'm surprised at a lot of the responses on here...and would be even more surprised if your responses were the same if it was your child.

What does that have to do with it Missdrunk? I don't expect my desires for my life to be applied to the law. Of course I would be devastated if it were my child. That doesn't mean I want people's right to disappear taken away. How could you flee domestic abuse if your abuser had the right to find you? It's a ridiculous suggestion .

I think it's quite naive of people saying they'd just be happy to know their child was okay. It's very easy to say that when you're not the one grieving for a child who's had no contact with your for six years.

A few posts are bashing the parents for wanting to see their son after so long - I think that's a pretty normal reaction! Yes, it might not be rational and it's not upto the parents to decide whether they can see him, but I don't think they're doing anything wrong in saying they would want to see him if they could.

Comparing this to DV cases isn't fair as we have NO proof of any violence or abuse in this situation and I don't think it's fair to paint the parents in a needy light when for all we know, the son could be mentally ill and it could be nothing to do with anything the parents have/haven't done.

I cannot imagine how hard it must be to go six years without knowing if your son was dead or alive and finding he's still alive. I think it would be everyone's parental instinct to want to see him and hug him. That doesn't mean they will go against their son's wishes, though.

But hermonie my point was any change in the law to allow the parents to know about their sons whereabouts would have the effect of abusers being able to find out where their victims are. And protecting them is more important.

Sure, and I'm not saying that they should be told where he is at all, just that it must be really hard to accept (as a parent, partner, child, whatever) that your loved one has vanished, but is still alive and wants nothing to do with you. These parents are saying what most people would think in that situation - that they're bloody glad he's alive and want to see him. That doesn't mean they WILL see him or be told his whereabouts, however.

I left home shortly after I turned 16 in 2009. My mum phoned the police and told them I was a missing person. The police contacted me and when they found that I was well. They told my mum and that was it. I didn't want contact with her so they didn't tell her any info. I didn't see her for a year and a half until I contacted her.
In hindsight I waged the police forced me to contact her but I was very stubborn so I'm not sure if it would've worked.

In my best friends family a whole family (Mum, Dad and Kids) upped and left and didn't tell their family why or where.

My friend is pretty sure that there were good reasons but doesn't know what they were.

As it happens, years after they left she spotted the family concerned in a shop 400 miles from their old home. They looked happy and well. She didn't approach them nor did she mention it to the rest of the family, reasoning is that it was their choice and not her place to override their decision.

The children concerned are now late teenagers so could have easily got independently in touch with their GPs, Aunts and Cousins if they wished to. It may be telling that they have chosen not to.

It must be terrible to be astranged from your child but I think that unless you know all the circumstances on both sides it's dangerous to judge or interfere.

One of my "school mum" friends did this she disappeared taking her youngest child with her.
To the outside world everything seemed "normal" and they were a normal family. I did have my suspicions however as it was odd we never saw her Dh ever at the school gate or at school events. When I found out that she had been at school with a very close friend of mine I invited her and her DH for dinner at mine when the other friend was coming.
She looked horrified at the invitation and said that Dh didn't like going out in the evening! which to me seemed a bit weird but I just dismissed it.
Anyway she disappeared about 3 weeks before Xmas taking the youngest child, her only daughter with her.
Her husband was calling on all her friends that he knew of, harassing her parents and siblings. The police apparently told him they knew that both Mother and Daughter were well, and she would contact him when she felt ready to do so.

After a while she wrote to one of the other Mums saying that it was the only thing she felt able to do as her Dh was so controlling and her older sons had become like it too. he would have never let her leave. She told her GP, and the Headmistress of her daughters school and went telling the police after the event.

I think what she did took a lot of guts, and she effectively disappeared for 6 months.
Enough waffle, what I'm saying is there is always a reason why people do this and generally it is down to preserving their mental and/or physical well being.

My friend was a missing person for 3 years just vanished his family were distraught and close friends too he came back though, of course people can do what they want but up and leaving isnt usual behaviour is it ? There has to be something behind it imo the parents dont have a right to know anything but the son could at least write or something to tell them he is ok.