To think if people want to disappear, they have the right to?

[LunaLoveg00d]

Just saw a piece on TV about a 26 year old man who walked out of his life 6 years ago, taking his passport and cash with him. Since then he has had no contact with any friends and family and understandably his parents are distraught.

A couple of weeks ago the police informed the parents that their adult son had surfaced in Spain, alive and well. Parents are now even more distraught that nobody will tell them where he is or help them make contact.

It must be a very difficult situation but surely an adult has the right to cut off all contact, leave the country and then have the right to decide when/if he wants to contact his parents and friends again?

True, but at least (and I don't mean this flippantly), when someone commits suicide, life can in some sense, move forward. Obviously losing someone to suicide is horrific but at least you can in some sense overcome death. How do you move your life on when you're married to someone who's vanished?

I'm not saying you can legislate it but I think just vanishing is really cruel. Yes, it's often as the result of mental illness but not always - some people just don't care anymore and want a new life, and don't care about the shit-storm they leave behind.

But to just up and leave for no reason? Horrific

Surely though there's always a reason? Whether the people around you know of that reason or not it's not a "normal" (for want of a better word) to suddenly take the decision to leave the country and tell nobody you're going. Yes it's selfish from one point of view, but the person who leaves probably feels they have no option.

You raise an interesting privacy issue. From a police and friend/family perspective, this would look exactly like a missing person. I suppose you should report your intended disappearance to the police if you were to plan on slipping away?

Thanks for the nice messages, everyone.

I'm a bit surprised people thinks it's selfish. It's never going to be the easy thing to do...

I'm also surprised his parents have hired a private investigator. That petrifies me. For someone to come and undo the effort that went into getting away and hiding... It feels unjust that it's allowed. I accept my position is biased, though.

I think that people should be able to go no contact if they choose, good for you Anchor.
I left the care system changed my name and moved away without contacting anyone. There were many good reasons and I know it was the safest option.

However the devastation left behind when someone leaves the family home unexpectedly is very difficult to understand for those left behind.
The author and fellow widow Helen Bailey has now been missing without trace for over five weeks, no sightings of her at all. Her family just want to know she is safe.

It would be preferable if they left some sort of message beforehand so people they care about didn't have to lose sleep and become ill thinking something horrible had happened to them... It's pretty selfish if there are people that care about you to just ditch them without so much as a note to explain why or at least a phonecall when they reached destination to say I'm safe, I'm fine, I just can't live like that anymore. It'll still hurt for their loved ones but at least they're not worried about their safety.

Also if you have children, imagine one of them just vanishing one day, how distraught you'd be. I think people have the right to leave the life they lead at any moment they want but they really should let people know what their intentions are in some way first.

I think there are two sides to this - those who've left, and those who've seen the consequences for those left behind.

I just can't get my head around people who completely up and leave their husands/wives and children with no contact or explanation. It is selfish. Everyone you leave behind is stuck in limbo because how do you move on from a marriage when you don't know the other person's whereabouts? Or even if they're still alive? How do you explain that to children - that mummy/daddy has just left and they might never come back, but you can't say for certain because you don't know where they are or whether they're alive or not?

In cases of abuse, violence etc. I totally appreciate it's safer to just go, but I can completely understand the worry of those left behind. I think most people would be worried out of their minds if their child took their passport, BC and some cash and just vanished, and I like to think most parents would do whatever they could to know their child was at least alive and well.

Anchor

I think whether simply disappearing and not letting anyone know you are safe is selfish (or the degree to which it is selfish, at least) is quite dependent on a lot of things- why you are leaving, who you are leaving behind and so on.

I'm not sure why you are surprised that his parents have hired a private investigator, I imagine it is because they are concerned for their son. If a PP is right and he has come to the attention of authorities in Spain because of concerns regarding his welfare due to mental illness, then I am not surprised they have gone to these lengths. Of course, there could be a very good reason he left- such as his parents are abusive - or it could be he left for other reasons, such as mental illness.

I do agree I struggle to think of why anyone would take such drastic action without a reason (although the reason may not be obvious from the outside looking in). That said, I have known of several people who have gone missing during a (often prolonged) period of mental illness, who then felt there was simply no way back and that their families would be better off without them/feared rejection and so on.

I think, as Hermione has said, that if you are leaving children behind, it is selfish to just disappear. How do they move on? They are also entitled to financial support. If you leave a spouse, they are stuck in many ways legally- from bank accounts to housing/mortgages and so on. They cannot do anything without the missing person's consent and they cannot get a legal separation/divorce immediately. It leaves everyone stuck in limbo, and if their a children involved it just makes things worse.

Obviously, I understand that domestic abuse/violence is a situation where you might not care what financial pickle you left your spouse in, and is an understandable and justifiable reason to leave without trace.

I think in most other situations, you should at least let someone know you are safe.

Like Anchor's case shows, the people left behind will always say they had no warning, nothing was wrong, the person left for no reason, etc. I have never seen a case where somebody goes nc and the people left behind say 'fair enough we knew there were problems'. They always say there were absolutely no signs of any problems in the relationship, they were a lovely happy normal family, person just left one day for no reason at all. It is hardly credible.

These parents have said if they knew which Spanish city the son is in, they will get on the next flight out there. And they have hired a private investigator to track him down. Then gone on the media to talk about their cruel son who left for no reason. And everybody says, oh, the poor suffering parents they must really love their son who left for no reason at all.

there are, not their are!

The problem is that it isn't enough to just know they are okay. As evidenced here - for years, his parents said they just wanted to know he was okay. They appealed for contact, saying if he just made contact and reassured someone he was fine, that'd be enough. No questions asked. But now they've been told that he is fine, and he doesn't want contact, they've hired a private detective. Their interview is all about how many questions they have, what they need answers too.

I didn't have children and I'm not married. I left my parents, and my siblings, and my foster siblings. For the latter group, I wanted to leave a note. I felt terrible for the younger children. The police advised me not too. Social services did the same. If I was going to go, I should just go - leaving a note just starts a trail. People will convince themselves that it's fake, or it was written under duress, or its' evidence of a mental health issue. The Salvation Army told me to try to pass on an anonymous message through their schools once I'd been gone for over a year and was somewhere safe, if I needed to do anything at all.

For him, as the news reports reference Social Aid in Spain being heavily involved and him having several alias' as well as his real identity, it could be that it's a health issue.

For me, it was necessary. I don't think I'd be alive otherwise. Me leaving also meant that Social Services took my sisters' care more seriously, and took them into care, which is what I'd been asking for for years. Until I left, they didn't care. It was still incredibly hard to walk away from everything - my school, my friends, extended family, my sisters - and know that for the vast majority of those people, they wouldn't see me again. We cannot have contact because you can't have roads that lead back to you. And 9 years later, I still live in absolute fear of them finding me. Unknown calls or unexpected doorbells give me panic attacks. When I do something good at work and they want to publicise it online, I have to beg them not too. I didn't just selfishly wonder off because I felt like starting a new life. Some people might, but for the effort involved, it'd be very few, I think.

As for wasting police time - I told the police of my plans and reassured them I was safe after I'd left. It would take an extra level of effort not to be traceable by the police either - no bank accounts, no mobile phone, etc. Not even just different ones to the ones the people you're running from know.

Kawliga, the Spanish social services apparently approached the man because they had concerns about his welfare, that is how he was found. There's clearly something wrong there - presumably social services don't approach people and fingerprint them for no reason? It may well be that he has some mental health issues - it's unreasonable to assume that he had 'good reasons' for wanting nothing to do with his parents.

But Anchor at least told the police she was safe. Her parents might not know of her whereabouts, but at least the police aren't wasting thousands on a manhunt for her. (Sorry Anchor, not meaning to talk about you as if you're not here!). She's still in touch with her other family members and friends.

There are people who just leave. They don't tell their parents, work, friends, wife, children or the police and just go. I understand a lot of those people are mentally ill (not all, however, some are just selfish fuckers who don't care about the consequences) but that doesn't make it any easier for those people who are left behind with no answers.

Lots of cross-posts there, sorry.

Maybe this is affecting me because I don't advertise it, and if someone was to discover that I left, they probably wouldn't know the details as to why. So it seems they'd be most likely to think "Crikey, how selfish", rather then "Something bad must have been happening to go to that effort."

And I can't agree with his parents going to find him because he's made it very clear that he doesn't want to see them or talk to them and they are bulldozing that, flying over and getting a private investigator. Maybe they are worried. I bet my mum would say the same, though, how terrible I am for having left, how worried she is, how she just needs to make sure I'm okay, she just wants me home. I don't think I'd live for very long if she did get me home. Maybe he's got a good reason for not wanting to go back either.

I should add that they do know that I'm alive. Although to be honest, I'd rather they didn't.

No worries, Hermione.

I've seen the affects from the other side as well. People who've gone missing and the mess it leaves behind. In one case, the young man had died, but for three months his family had no answers. He had his passport/money on him when he vanished, so for all they knew he could still be alive somewhere. When his body was found his mum at least knew they had closure.

In another case, I know of someone who just packed a bag and vanished, in order to start a new life at the other end of the country. They left a marriage and two children in order to shack up with someone else, but the (now ex) spouse left behind couldn't find them for years. They didn't say goodbye, just abandoned their partner, job, house and children and left. Set up home with a completely unsuspecting new partner and had more children, while still being married to a partner who didn't know if they were dead or alive.

I think it must be really hard knowing you have a child/ex/parent or whatever out there who decided one to day to just vanish.

The report I read said that the man involved did have known mental health issues. His parents have been understandably distraught for six years. They have now been informed that he is in Spain and no longer a missing person but, I believe do not know whether he is well, happy or otherwise. Not even if he knows they are worried and want to help him.

I feel terribly sorry for them. He, of course has every right to his privacy. Shit for them all.

it's unreasonable to assume that he had 'good reasons' for wanting nothing to do with his parents.

Yes, I agree that this would be unreasonable assumption. We have no grounds to assume that he had good reasons to leave. He could indeed be a selfish fecker, off to Spain on a jolly and didn't bother to tell anyone, sent the police on a needless hunt and wasted taxpayers money in the UK and Spain. Yes, all this is possible, we don't know.

I was only saying that the people left behind in these situations always plead the innocent. I have never seen a case where they admit that just maybe there might possibly have been a problem that might have prompted the flight.

Running away from problems is sometimes just a sign of cowardice, it is true, but it is still preposterous for the person left behind to say 'woe is me, I never saw that coming, there were no signs, we were happy as larks, and suddenly they left for no reason at all, and now I will hire a private detective and smoke him out the selfish fecker.' With Daily Mail sad faces to go along with.

I think the real story here is the utter lack of journalism we currently have. This reminds me of a story from last year, but I can't find anything online. GP's went to the local paper to complain that their GC had been removed from their daughter and the family courts would not allow them to care for their GC. After the GP got lots of publicity, lots of DM style sad faces, I'm guessing the Judge had enough of the GP's lies, so the Judge released a statement with a few facts in it. The children had been removed from their mother due to MH issues that she firmly blamed her parents for and because of this the mother requested that the GP did not get custody of her children.
Printing such a personal story, clearly one with so much emotion, should be based on more than one source. Missing passport, money and birth certificate, there must have been more to it.

Absolutely people have the right to disappear if they want too. It's a shitty thing to do to your family and friends though, leaving a note saying 'I don't want any contact in the future' wouldn't be a hard thing to do and would stop the worrying of murders/suicide etc. The not knowing is just dreadful.

I agree with what Anchor says - first it was that they just wanted to know he was alive, but now they've had it confirmed that he IS alive, they've shifted the goalposts and trying to blame the UK embassy or "data protection". I also think it's true that if their son were interviewed, he's give a very different story.

I wouldn't automatically think it's a selfish act - more I would think how desperately unhappy and at the end of your tether you'd have to be to walk out of your life completely. I wouldn't imagine it's something anyone does lightly.

Take care of yourself, Anchor.

I'm with Anchor on this one. As another who upped and left, and has no contact with family, childhood friends, siblings etc, I was advised to say nothing. And as much as the son may have mental health issues, that doesn't necessarily mean the parents deserve to know. As PPs have mentioned, whoever is left behind will only see their side, and for all anyone knows the MH issues could be linked to parents/upbringing. I have diagnosed MH conditions, have done since childhood, but when I was reported missing and made myself known as safe and well SS investigated, had initial concerns and then after 6 months were no longer involved. My mother tried claiming she had a right to know my whereabouts because of my conditions, this man could be having a similar experience?

Anchor- I'm not saying that in your case it was not the right thing to do. You clearly had very good reason to go, and followed professional advice to not leave any note etc. You did the right thing and nobody can condemn you, or indeed anyone in a similar position, for doing that.

Obviously, I don't know the ins and outs of this man's case. It could be that his parents are like yours and it is all for show, with more sinister motives behind any wish for contact. It may be, though, that they genuinely are very worried that his actions have been caused by mental illness and not coming from a place of informed and rational thought. They could be concerned that although he is alive, he is not well and his welfare is at risk due to mental illness, and that they wish to find him to ascertain this. I understand your feelings that his wishes are being over-ridden and it certainly isn't clear whether there is a valid reason for this.

As I said, there are cases I have come across in my professional life, where mental illness has led to people leaving and then other things (such as guilt, shame, fear of rejection and so on) have prevented them contacting their loved ones.

Assuming someone is leaving a "normal" family I think it is one of the cruellest acts you can perpetrate. It takes a special kind of egotism and selfishness to leave loved ones in torment, worrying day and night whether you are dead or alive, are lying in some ditch somewhere, lost your memory etc.

If you want to clear off and do your own thing of course you are entitled. But, for God's sake, at least let your loved ones know you are OK.

I am another one of those people those selfish, PA people who just upped and left an entirely normal family. Left them wondering whether I was dead or alive, lying in a ditch etc etc

I wanted to clear off and had no loved ones to tell. so at 18 I moved 200+ miles away. In the days before social media, so no contact whatsoever. It took 3 years for me to have any reason to get back in touch.

My normal family made no attempt to find me and now, 30 years on, have never asked why I did it. I doubt my wider family have ever known that I disappeared for 3 years. They simply did/do not care... which is why I simply up and left in the first place.

I appreciate that not all cases are as my own, but would find some comfort in the loss of some of the less pleasant rhetoric being thrown out about people like me. Sometimes, you just have to save yourself. Cruel? Egotistical? Selfish? Probably. But it enabled me to live...