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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to forgive her?

66 replies

WalkingBlind · 17/05/2016 00:44

I was with an abusive ex, we broke up, I kicked him out and my best friend in the world consoled me. She was there literally while he was leaving and being vile. She saw the state I was in. She would babysit my under 1 DD and everything.

A couple of weeks later she's seeing someone but it's new and I don't pry too much. Until I find out a month into it from a stranger who happened to mention them (small town, people talk) that it was my ex who I'd just split from and they are now in a relationship Sad I talked to her every week and she had my DD overnight once a week and never mentioned it.

They admitted it when confronted. He dumped her once the damage had been done a month or so later, he was only interested in taking her from me. His last words to me were "I'll ruin everything you love".

My problem is I loved/love her to pieces. We haven't spoken since but I grieve for what we had and miss her dearly I'm just hurt.

Part of me thinks he's very manipulative (I know that) and she believed she loved him. But the other part knows I would never do that to my friend and can't understand how she put him before me. And that a real friend just wouldn't do it.

Would you get back in touch? I write emails all the time then delete them. I sent one once but found myself too hurt to reply to her reply (which was very remorseful sincerely). I think about it all the time and it happened 3 years ago. I couldn't care less about him or what he's doing but I miss her so much Sad

OP posts:
DelphiBlue · 17/05/2016 00:47

What she did was really low. Is she really the kind of friend you thought she was? I was friends with a woman who was an absolute piece of shit and did really awful things to me and I still miss the friendship I thought we had. Has she made efforts to contact you other than replying to an email?

DelphiBlue · 17/05/2016 00:52

And to answer your question - I would be able to forgive her but I'd never forget and wouldn't be able to look at her in the same light again.

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 17/05/2016 01:02

It's the only "bad" thing she's ever done in the years that I'd known her (since she was a young teen). In her reply she said she wished I would scream and shout, she wanted me to be happy even if that was staying away and she'd wait until I was ready. I feel like I have it in my heart to forgive her but then I get this sickly feeling. I think trust is sometimes unrepairable and that hurts more than anything because she was one of the two people in the world I trusted explicitly and I was totally devastated... More than any break up with a partner. Felt like losing my soul mate

OP posts:
Original poster
WalkingBlind · 17/05/2016 01:06

It was just specifically this guy as well because another ex tried it on with her and she told him to get lost then told me and was 100% honest, and she was honest when we both accidentally 'crushed' on the same person and even backed off from him for me. Which is why I feel she was emotionally manipulated, she had been through a rough time and was vulnerable and she knew I had zero feelings for him.

I still don't think I could have ever done it to her though and almost like im making excuses

OP posts:
DelphiBlue · 17/05/2016 01:29

To me, it's an absolute rule that you don't go near a friends ex boyfriend/husband/even conquest. And I expect the same from my friends. And that's without the added bonus of her witnessing the shit he put you through and lying to you. If you think it's something you really can get over (and actually get over not just swallow because you miss her) then stranger friendships have survived. Just personally I wouldn't be able to trust her again.

HouseOfBiscuits · 17/05/2016 01:44

Yes I could understand if you chose to forgive her. I don't think what she did was right, but we all do things we regret in life, and she's sincerely remorseful. Don't let your ex "ruin" this as he wanted to.

Believeitornot · 17/05/2016 06:19

It seems that you might have low self esteem hence wanting your friend back. She treated you badly, she lied to you, yet you still want her back?

confusedandemployed · 17/05/2016 06:23

I don't have low self esteem but I would be inclined to give her another chance. I agree with HouseofBiscuits.

Also, life is too bloody short for "what ifs". I wouldn't want to reach old age and still be wondering if I should have made it up.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

Couldashouldawoulda · 17/05/2016 06:28

I think you should forgive her...but don't forget.

AnyFucker · 17/05/2016 06:30

I doubt she would repeat the same mistake again.

Put it this way.... you fell for his bullshit so why hold her to a higher standard ? If you want to put it behind you and have her in your life again, then do it.

TresDesolee · 17/05/2016 06:45

You poor thing OP.

I'd say there were warning bells all over the fact that according to you, there have been three occasion like this: this one where she's actually betrayed you, another time when a different ex of yours came on to her, and a third time when you both had a crush on the same man.

In all my many years as an adult, I have never, ever been in a position where someone's ex has propositioned me. There are ways to just make yourself invisible/bland as hell to certain off-limits men and that's what we do for our friends. I don't like the sound of having a friend who's twice been unable to do that for you (OK, disregarding the crush!) and I don't think her 'honesty' in telling you all about the second ex and the crush is as innocent as you think. She sounds to me like a bit of a precious snowflake who has to demonstrate repeatedly that she can get the attention of men who you've been associated with. I think she sounds manipulative and egotistical.

BUT I had a friend who did this repeatedly to me (no longer my friend, thankfully!) and so I have a jaundiced view of things like this. And, to be fair, you might just have picked two real wrong 'uns who think it's ok/amusing to go after your mates.

Charming, attractive, manipulative people can be great fun to be around and leave a big hole in your life. They're also rotten friends - never put yourself in a position where they've got control over your happiness.

If I were you I'd hold my head up and keep moving. There are lots of amazing women out there who would offer you real friendship without constantly conniving to demonstrate to you that they're wildly attractive man-catnip.

NarpIsNotACunt · 17/05/2016 06:53

She is fundamentally untrustworthy.

There's probably a reason she does this that is nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own psychological problems, so in a way you could feel sorry for her.

But I could not forgive.

1frenchfoodie · 17/05/2016 06:55

I was touched by her saying she wanted you to scream and shout and wants you to be happy even if that means her staying away. On this basis I would, personally, give her a second chance - but that is me, only you can know if it us the right thing for you. I doubt things will be quite the same between you though..

BarbRoyle · 17/05/2016 06:57

If she died tomorrow would you regret not contacting her? If so, I say do it. Your friendship probably won't be what it was but, who knows? We've all made mistakes. If you become close again it is of your choosing - you know what happened and are choosing to have a relationship with her/ forgive her (nothing wrong with that). If things don't turn out as you would like, you can choose to end it. Go with your gut, I say Smile

Pseudo341 · 17/05/2016 06:57

I had a nasty boyfriend for a couple of years in my late teens who snogged my best friend a couple of times. He was a manipulative arsehole who played us off against each other. It took a couple of years to get over it but we did. She's still my best mate 20 years later and we both look back on that period with horror. Talk to your friend and see what her take on the subject is before you throw this friendship away.

I also went out with DH's best mate for nearly a year before DH and I got together a few months after we split. DH's mate dealt with it by staying friends with DH and telling me he needed not to see me for a while (I finished with him). 16 years later DH and he are still very much best mates and he and I are good friends again too. With his life partner we all get together with our kids.

A strong friendship can survive these things if people are honest and apologise for what they've done wrong. She needs to acknowledge she fucked up though.

Spangletangle · 17/05/2016 07:00

It's hard to tell if she is an otherwise trustworthy person who was caught offguard by a manipulative man when vulnerable (and I've seen this happen in my own friendship group) or a serial manipulator herself. You will have to trust your own instincts but I would think you'll want to keep her at arms length whatever.

Gowgirl · 17/05/2016 07:03

Phone her op, its was a mistake on her part.
Have coffee, talk it through and agree never to mention the arsehole again, life I too shortFlowers

CassandraAusten · 17/05/2016 07:05

I think that, sometimes, forgiveness is as healing for you as for the person you're forgiving. It sounds like this may be one of these cases. I'd say give her another chance.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 17/05/2016 07:06

I'd forgive her. You don't want or need that man in your life but you do want her. She was stupid and selfish but isn't the first person to have their head turned by an asshole.

DixieNormas · 17/05/2016 07:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 17/05/2016 07:23

I would be temped to make up just to piss him off!

Whocansay · 17/05/2016 07:24

I think this is desperately sad for you both. I don't think what she did was wrong really - you were broken up at the time, but it was clearly unwish. She fell for his bullshit, just like you did.

3 years has gone by. Don't let that bastard win. Talk to your friend.

PestilentialCat · 17/05/2016 07:35

I'd blame him here, if he's as nasty & manipulative as you've suggested. What she did was pretty awful, but we can't always help our feelings. I'd contact her - good, old friends are hard to come by. Meet on neutral ground then get very pissed & cry all over each other & have a proper chat.

redexpat · 17/05/2016 09:22

I'd blame him. He manipulated and used her to get at you. If you let him, he's won. I would keep the friendship, but maybe downgrade it for a while until you can trust her again.

NarpIsNotACunt · 17/05/2016 17:01

I can't really buy that the friend was as victimised as everyone is saying.

She has no excuse - she saw what he did to her friend
I think deep down there was a part of her that colluded in hurting her friend - possibly wanting to show herself to be better by winning him. Unconscious competitiveness

Unless she admitted all that to me then I wouldn'T forgive

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