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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to forgive her?

66 replies

WalkingBlind · 17/05/2016 00:44

I was with an abusive ex, we broke up, I kicked him out and my best friend in the world consoled me. She was there literally while he was leaving and being vile. She saw the state I was in. She would babysit my under 1 DD and everything.

A couple of weeks later she's seeing someone but it's new and I don't pry too much. Until I find out a month into it from a stranger who happened to mention them (small town, people talk) that it was my ex who I'd just split from and they are now in a relationship Sad I talked to her every week and she had my DD overnight once a week and never mentioned it.

They admitted it when confronted. He dumped her once the damage had been done a month or so later, he was only interested in taking her from me. His last words to me were "I'll ruin everything you love".

My problem is I loved/love her to pieces. We haven't spoken since but I grieve for what we had and miss her dearly I'm just hurt.

Part of me thinks he's very manipulative (I know that) and she believed she loved him. But the other part knows I would never do that to my friend and can't understand how she put him before me. And that a real friend just wouldn't do it.

Would you get back in touch? I write emails all the time then delete them. I sent one once but found myself too hurt to reply to her reply (which was very remorseful sincerely). I think about it all the time and it happened 3 years ago. I couldn't care less about him or what he's doing but I miss her so much Sad

OP posts:
Goingthedistance · 17/05/2016 20:17

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. Several years ago I was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man that eventually became violent.

Trouble was he was very very charming. And against my better judgment (there were signs of irrational jealousy from the beginning, bouts of possessive behaviour and a mutual acquaintance told me he had thrown his ex down the stairs) I ignored the rumours and believed his version of events that portrayed him as the hapless victim. I got involved with him and before I even realised, was locked into his skewed perception of the world. He didn't start off physically aggresive, it was a gradually sliding scale from being the kindest most sympathetic man to begin with, from a well regarded family in the community, graduating to emotional abuse ending up with me in hospital with a broken cheekbone.

I'm not offering this is as an excuse for your friend choosing this man over your friendship in any way. But all I am saying is that I, and maybe you - and is it possible that your friend too - understand the horrendous experience of being pursued and persuaded by a man far more determined, manipulative and egocentric than you may ever encounter again.

I and others can't tell you what to do. But if you feel strong enough to talk openly and honestly about it together, it might give you both the support and closure that you need from this experience.

Goingthedistance · 17/05/2016 20:18

Im so sorry, I didn't mean maybe you. That was a typo

Goingthedistance · 17/05/2016 20:19

I meant I and you and maybe your friend to be clear Flowers

Goingthedistance · 17/05/2016 20:22

..or even you and I Blush

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 17/05/2016 20:36

That's a really tough one. I ditched my ex best friend (nothing like your reason) and recently have been questioning it and really missing her. Turns out I miss what she was at the time I knew her, not what she is now. I didn't see her. We have a mutual friend and mutual friend told me some stuff and it made me realise that I'm going to leave it in the past because I won't get no back what I'm looking for (in my case my ex best friend has changed).

Do you think you would genuinely be able to move past it? It's pretty shitty what she did. Regardless of what your ex said to you, she had free will and could have walked away from him at any time. She didn't. She saw what you went through and put herself and him above that. I'd say she's pretty selfish. Personally I don't think I could move on from that but we are all different.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 17/05/2016 20:53

I would forgive her. Definitely.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 17/05/2016 20:54

It sounds like she has put a whole lot of good stuff on the other side of the scale - you have quite a debt of gratitude there.

TwentyCupsOfTea · 17/05/2016 20:57

I personally think I would forgive her.

Saying that it could never truly be the same. A level of trust here was broken.
But, as a pp said, you were taken in by him too - you know how he can be. This is not a repeated break of trust.

HamaTime · 17/05/2016 20:59

I would forgive her, because it sounds like you really, really want to and want her back in your life.

Forgiveness is abandoning all hope for a better past so do it, then build a future.

FrenchJunebug · 18/05/2016 10:15

you will forgive her but give yourself time to heal and rebuilt your life and self-esteem first.

Janecc · 18/05/2016 11:18

We often spend many years holding onto the anger and resentment we feel from the pain others actions have caused us. It takes a long time to realise how this is preventing us from healing. We need to let go for us, not them, but because until we let go of the anger and resentment, we can never move on ourselves. Even if you never see her again, it really is time to forgive her so that you can move on, rebuild your self esteem and live your life for you and with your beautiful child.

You seem so sad and it is so painful to hear. She was a really phenomenal friend, who made a really bad choice. From what you say, your ex purposely sought her out to destroy your friendship and he is a manipulative, devious, nasty bastard. This was a planned and well orchestrated attack on her as well as on you. I can well imagine the sort of things your ex said to her to make her believe he was no longer the devil but actually Prince Charming on a white horse. She fell for it as many vulnerable people have done before her. She doesn't sound like a nasty, devious person from what you have described - just a confused person, who made a poor choice.

By not contacting her, you are actually by default making the choice not to continue your friendship. I don't think you actually want to make that choice. Your first step is to forgive her. It doesn't sound like she ever wants to hurt you again.

Perhaps I'm wrong, I think you've really come on here to ask for validation and help to allow yourself permission to contact her. I would contact her, friendships like these are rare and I have never had the privilege of experiencing one myself. Take it easy, take it slow. You really don't want to get to 70/80 and look back at all those wasted years and read about her death in the obituaries.

Vickyyyy · 18/05/2016 11:21

I could easily forgive that tbh. Manipulative people who are good at what they do tend to always get their way no matter what. I doubt it was as simple as he made a pass at her and she responded somehow...

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/05/2016 11:50

Your DH did exactly what he said he would do. He used that woman as a weapon to hurt you. I'd be inclined to feel sorry for her. I think I'd get back in contact, let her explain to you in person how he played her and why she fell for it and how sorry she is. Have a good cry together about what a manipulative cunt the ex is.

It won't do any harm to try out being friends again. Maybe you won't click in the same way any more, but it can't do any harm to try, can it?

Original poster
WalkingBlind · 18/05/2016 22:19

Thank you all so very much, this thread has been so supportive. I thought I'd let you know that I just messaged her to see if she will meet, I hope she says yes

Something I didn't mention as it wasn't overly necessary is that I have Aspergers so a friendship to me is an extremely valuable thing. I feel like the comments here are stearing me towards one day regaining that, even if it's never quite the same, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Liiinooo · 18/05/2016 22:23

So happy you have made that move. You sound like a great friend and she is lucky to have you.

Waltermittythesequel · 18/05/2016 22:26

Just be careful.

A week on from hi leaving and then hiding it from you?

Forgive. But don't forget.

MammaTJ · 18/05/2016 22:37

This is unforgivable in my eyes!

Bros before Hoes, well there has to be a female equivalent!

Bitches before Hitches?

Whatever!

I would never be able to forgive someone, even if they were deliberately targeted, who put a man before me! They have a brain that should operate on a higher level than their ovaries!

WeDoNotSow · 18/05/2016 22:51

Chicks before dicks mama Wink

Janecc · 19/05/2016 05:04

I'm so happy for you. Please let us know how you get on. Thinking of you.

TowerRavenSeven · 19/05/2016 05:16

Forgive yes for your peace of mind. Be friends again? I just couldn't.

MardleBum · 19/05/2016 05:53

I am not sure I could forgive this to be honest and it does make me wonder if she was already in a relationship with him before he split from you and that perhaps that was the reason you split. To 'just happen' to get with him a couple of weeks after your split sounds fishy to me. My guess is that the only reason she was having your child o/n was so your ex and she could have a go at playing Happy Families with her.

I'd love to know where this would have gone had you not found out accidentally and my guess is that they planned to tell you after a good long period of time had gone by, and pretend that it had only just happened when it had been happening all along.

If you want her back in your life that's up to you, but guard yourself very, very carefully this time.

MardleBum · 19/05/2016 05:54

Of course the fact that he then dumped her anyway means they never got to see their plan through but I do think that was their intention all along.

SeasonalVag · 19/05/2016 06:14

Op, is life without her worse than working through it and forgiving her? I'm working through this issue right now myself and that's where I'm at.

greenfolder · 19/05/2016 06:31

I think it's irrelevent whether anyone else would forgive. You are clearly ready to. Listen to yourself and trust your own judgement. Sometimes things defy rational logic. Contact her and say you forgive her if you do.

tralaaa · 19/05/2016 06:53

I think that you should forgive her - and hopefully have a good friend again