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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give up my job

50 replies

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 16/05/2016 12:40

I spent several years raising our children and went to work part time in a low paid, menial job for 10 years. 3 years ago I was given the opportunity of a sideways move, where I get no more pay, but I love the work.
My husband, on the other hand, hates his well paid job.
He thinks it would be a good idea for me to try to move into management, which a) I would hate, b) probably wouldn't even get, c) wouldn't even cover 1/3 of what he earns. I'd have to hand in my notice on my current position, as it couldn't be left uncovered for even a short time, and I couldn't get it back again. His logic being, that it's his turn to "take it easy" and work part time. Don't get me wrong, because I sympathise totally, and can't imagine going to a job that I really hated, every day.
Last year, he was offered a great redundancy package, that I tried to convince him to accept. It would have been enough to support us while he retrained in something else, but he decided that he'd rather stay where he was. I've told him that if he looks for something else then I'd support him, and we could manage on less money, but realistically I will never earn anything like he does, as I have no useful qualifications. So AIBU to refuse to leave a job I love?

OP posts:
MattDillonsPants · 16/05/2016 14:15

Since you work part time, perhaps you need a second job? To take the pressure off him a bit.

If you do this then you won't need to leave.

ChicRock · 16/05/2016 14:19

What's stopping you from retraining? Or getting a second job so that he can drop a day or two each week?

NapQueen · 16/05/2016 14:19

Was it a joint decision for you to stop working when you had the kids?

If you only work PT and he wants to reduce his hours then I do think it is fair for you to up your hours to make up some shortfall.

I think you ought to look at what jobs you could get and the wage of those and sit down with the figures.

SquinkiesRule · 16/05/2016 15:32

I think it depends, what else does the OP do, if she's doing all the cooking cleaning and shopping and her Dh works full time and thats it. Then she's not being unreasonable.
However if all house stuff is split 50/50 then he should have the chance to cut back and she pick up the slack.

MattDillonsPants · 16/05/2016 15:38

Squinkies, who mentioned that? That's a separate issue and one they'd need to sort out.

The point is that the OP doesn't want to work more...yet her DH is clearly asking for help with the stress and responsibility of being the breadwinner.

IF her DH works full time and doesn't do any housework, then that would need to change if the OP worked more hours.

Chippednailvarnishing · 16/05/2016 15:42

So the actual question is, is your husband BU to leave to leave a job he hates?

BillSykesDog · 16/05/2016 15:42

Presumably he would be taking on more of the housework and domestic tasks if he cut his hours so I can't really see the relevance.

TendonQueen · 16/05/2016 15:44

Er, when you were part-time weren't you also looking after small children? And if he goes part-time now, presumably a lot of the donkey work you did won't be required since the kids are older? In that case it's not exactly a like-for-like trade off.

MattDillonsPants · 16/05/2016 15:45

Chipped, I'd see it as this

The husband wants the OP to try for a more senior position.

OP doesn't think she can get one and she doesn't want to anyway.

The husband hates his job and sounds frustrated with the situation

He therefore wants OP to be seen to be doing something about her lack of earning ability.

MattDillonsPants · 16/05/2016 15:47

Tendon that's the wrong way to see it.

While the DC were small, OP looked after them.

Meanwhile the DH worked full time

Now, the DH is still working full time but the OP is working part time.

That's not fair if he hates his job and yet is stuck as main breadwinner.

OP says she wouldn't mind if he looked for something else...they could live on less.

But why should they?

She can work more and he can find a full time job he likes.

minipie · 16/05/2016 15:48

If he really hates his job then he needs to leave - which you accept.

You jointly need to consider the options which will make the family finances work.

One of those options is you earning more - even if it's not enough to make up the shortfall from your DH's reduced earnings, it's still an option and could be combined with reducing family spending.

However, if you would hate the kind of job he's proposing, then you wouldn't be any better off as a family - you'd hate your job instead of him hating his job. The aim ought to be to find a solution where neither of you is miserable.

So, YANBU not to consider doing a job you'd hate, but YABU not to consider leaving your current job. There may be better paid jobs you wouldn't hate, but wouldn't love as much as your current job - I think you do have to consider that kind of option.

Lovewineandchocs · 16/05/2016 15:53

I sympathise with anyone who hates their job, but can't help but wonder why he didn't take the redundancy package in that case? And I can understand that maybe he wants you to earn a bit more so he can reduce his hours, however you shouldn't be pressured into applying for management if you'd hate it. Can you stay in your current job and use the days/hours you aren't working to train for qualifications in order to get a better paid job down the line?

Longdistance · 16/05/2016 15:57

I see it as the Dh lost his opportunity to a redundancy package last year, therefore missed the boat. He wants his wife to pick up more work so he can jack his current job in cos he was too stupid to listen to his dw about the redundancy.
Dw took a lower paid job after I'm assuming she stayed at home with dc after they were born.
He's now regretting his decision and wants to go part time sit on his arse
What does he do at home to contribute housework/childcare wise? If he's not doing anything now, and won't be picking the slack up he can do one.

MattDillonsPants · 16/05/2016 16:00

OP never said he wanted to go part time.

As for "lost his opportunity" what bullshit.

Who said he had signed his life away when he made that choice!?

ElinoristhenewEnid · 16/05/2016 16:00

another one saying shame about not taking the redundancy - what stopped him from taking it?

minipie · 16/05/2016 16:07

His logic being, that it's his turn to "take it easy" and work part time.

Yes she did MattDillonsPants

Agree with you otherwise though

Original poster
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 16/05/2016 16:16

Sorry, I posted just before leaving to go to work. DH does pull his weight with housework, but not with the kids. I do drop offs, pick ups, run around on weekends, while working all hours - some weeks I work up to 60 hours. A second job isn't really an option. DH earned £70k last year, I earned nearer £10k
Youngest child is in infants, I take them with me when I have to work on weekends so DH can go off and have a bit of "me time".

OP posts:
BackforGood · 16/05/2016 17:09

It doesn't make sense to me, that he thinks you have to move into doing something you don't think you';; like, away from a job you really enjoy, because he is unhappy in his job.
He needs to look at what alternatives he has. £70K is a massive salary. Do your outgoings match that? Could you as a family realistically cut your expenditure? If you suggested he took the redundnacy when he was offered it and he chose not to, well, he's limited his options a bit.
You need to sit and work out what to do as a couple, but it doesn't necessarily equate to you having to be unhappy to make him happy, IMO.

ChicRock · 16/05/2016 17:13

You're working up to 60 hours a week and earning less than 10k per annum? Shock

Then you do need to look for another job.

JeepersMcoy · 16/05/2016 17:19

If my dh was working 60 hour weeks for 10k I would be pushing him to take a better paid job as well. I thought you were part-time

Lovewineandchocs · 16/05/2016 17:46

You probably both need to sit down and have a chat-60 hours a week plus school runs etc as you describe very much does NOT equate to "taking it easy" or "working part time". £70k does sound a lot, however I have no idea of your family's outgoings, mortgage,area, school fees etc so it could be that you need every penny of it. I'm another one who is concerned that you are working 60 hour weeks for 10K per annum-sounds exploitative!-again we on MN are not in possession of all the facts, so time for you and your DH to have a free and frank discussion and perhaps a financial audit. Plenty of Wine whilst doing so might help Grin

seven201 · 16/05/2016 17:51

I think she's included the childcare stuff in the 60 hours...?

FuriousFate · 16/05/2016 17:56

Just think how much the Op would have brought in if she'd been paid for the hours she put in as chief childcare provider! Obviously the DH's career has progressed during the years she sacrificed working to bring up young children Hmm and presumably made his working life a lot easier into the bargain - I bet he didn't have to cover sick days and so on. I don't think there's much wrong with wanting to renegotiate who works what now that the children are a bit older, but to suggest that the OP had it easy as a SAHM is an insult to all SAHMs IMO. I've done top corporate jobs and am now a SAHM. Going to work was a piece of piss, quite frankly, compared with two grumpy toddlers!

TendonQueen · 16/05/2016 17:59

MattDillon Disagree. He clearly thinks OP has had an easy time of it up till now with a combination of childcare and part time working in whatever proportion. I think he's wrong.

Buckinbronco · 16/05/2016 18:04

OP I am not sure what you do but it doesn't seem likely you can just "move" to management from what must be a very junior job. How realistic is this option?

Your DH sounds unhappy but I don't think telling you to get a management role is really a solution.