To not want to give up my job

[BillyNotQuiteNoMates]

I spent several years raising our children and went to work part time in a low paid, menial job for 10 years. 3 years ago I was given the opportunity of a sideways move, where I get no more pay, but I love the work.
My husband, on the other hand, hates his well paid job.
He thinks it would be a good idea for me to try to move into management, which a) I would hate, b) probably wouldn't even get, c) wouldn't even cover 1/3 of what he earns. I'd have to hand in my notice on my current position, as it couldn't be left uncovered for even a short time, and I couldn't get it back again. His logic being, that it's his turn to "take it easy" and work part time. Don't get me wrong, because I sympathise totally, and can't imagine going to a job that I really hated, every day.
Last year, he was offered a great redundancy package, that I tried to convince him to accept. It would have been enough to support us while he retrained in something else, but he decided that he'd rather stay where he was. I've told him that if he looks for something else then I'd support him, and we could manage on less money, but realistically I will never earn anything like he does, as I have no useful qualifications. So AIBU to refuse to leave a job I love?

Stuff like this really pisses me off. He had years to build his career while she did the shitty part time low wage job and lookd after the kids. Now he's decided that all is not well in his world he expects her once again to make the sacrifice to accommodate him. Kids don't look after themselves and I would bet that a man who built a career netting him 70k isn't a man who covered sick days and school holidays and his 50% of the boring, repetitive work involved in looking after dc.

Wow -some interesting views here.

I'm p/t (24 hrs over 4 days) and do all school drop offs, most of school stuff including homework and majority of housework. My career is on hold and I often get snidey comments about not being committed enough at work as I have to dash out the door to collect my son. I found life significantly easier before DS when I worked full time in a more senior position. The way I see it DH and I balance each other out and we're both doing a useful job.

I do plan to up my hours and thus earn more once DS is at senior school, but only if DH and I are able to agree a new division of labour as I wouldn't be able to continue to do as much if I have less hours available.

Mind you if you are working for that time 60+ hrs per week and only earning £10k then you're getting exploited and it would make sense for you to look for something else, even minimum wage is better paid than that.

I don't do that many hours every week, my contract is for 20 but very variable.
Thank you Backforgood, I genuinely pushed him to take the redundancy, as I wanted him to be happy in his choice of work, but I don't see how me giving my job up would achieve that. He can't even decide what he wants to do, except relax with his hobby (which would totally out me, if I said what it was)
If I went for manager role, I would probably still only be on £18k.

He possibly feels he has to keep earning that amount unless you were to earn more. Otherwise it would be him who made the change and responsible for the drop in income perhaps.

Although you worked in low paid jobs for ten years, you did get to see your children perhaps more than he did.

I think it is fair to examine all options, with pros and cons of each.

Stuff like this really pisses me off. He had years to build his career while she did the shitty part time low wage job and lookd after the kids. Now he's decided that all is not well in his world he expects her once again to make the sacrifice to accommodate him. Kids don't look after themselves and I would bet that a man who built a career netting him 70k isn't a man who covered sick days and school holidays and his 50% of the boring, repetitive work involved in looking after dc.

Is this how you feel your life has panned out because, to me, it sounds like you're projecting? Nowhere does the OP say that she felt it was any sort of sacrifice to be the one who looked after the children and worked part time. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't - we don't know. And anyway, isn't it just as much of a sacrifice to work in a job you don't like so that you can financially support the rest of your family? It sounds to me as though they've both made sacrifices along the way.

OP: you need to both sit down and work out who needs to do what in order to earn enough money to pay for the lifestyle you want, and you both need to feel equally happy with the choices. Compromise is the key here, and you may both need to make some sacrifices to reach a middle ground. What has happened previously should be kept firmly in the past. The only thing that matters now is the future.

MattDillonsPants, you said, "OP never said he wanted to go part time."

She did say that, though, in her opening post.

Agree rookie

Funny how the DH wasn't hee hawing about going part time when the DCs were young? Perhaps because he knew that combination of job plus young DCs = hard work.
All very well talking about compromise but why the heck should op give up her job so she can do one that makes her as miserable as him oh and only earns an additional 8k which is very little compared to his salary
If he wants to change the status quo then maybe he should investigate what other roles he wants to do and how much they pay. I've given up power and money so I can work part time and I often find the lack of control and having your work dictated by someone with less experience than yourself very exhausting indeed.

Not projecting at all Permanently. My dh fully acknowledged that I was pulling my weight by sah and never expected me to do a low wage pt job along side looking after the dc. Nor has he ever pressured me to go back to work to suit him because he knows that sah results in loss of career progression and earning potential that is often impossible to make up. But you see so often on mn, women who have made massive career sacrifices to do what the couple decided was right for their family, then years down the line, when the hard work has been done, the h moaning about how easy she had it, with n recognition of what it cost her or how easy he had it being able to build a career and have a family. Just pisses me off, is all!

If I'm being honest, it seems as if it's more jealousy that I love my job, than about the money. I think he's just fed up with his job but doesn't want to do anything to change that. If he wants to study, I will do anything I can to help him do that, even if it meant that I had to change my job. What I'm not prepared to do, is give up my job, so he can drop kids at school and go off doing his hobby while they are there. I never felt like I'd sacrificed anything by staying at home with my kids, I used to work evenings - once they were in bed, and he was home, until 2am when they were small. When my youngest started school I started working school hours, in my contract, but I do many nights and weekends on top of that. I take her with me, if I need to, as work are very accommodating and he quite often arranges to do something with his friends on the weekend. I think he believes that working around the kids is a breeze, but it's far from it. If there's a hospital appointment, I take time off to cover it. If there's an emergency, it's down to me. Taking them to activities - you guessed it. I often work split shifts, to work around it all, and there's not many jobs as flexible as the one I have now. I might pop into work from 6.30-8, dash home to get kids to school, back to work for 9, stay until 3, pick kids up, sort out tea, and then go back in the evening to finish off anything I haven't done during the day.
I probably should have finished my degree! But that's past crying for. I left when I was pregnant. And never seriously regretted it.

You sound really busy and he needs to take his head out of his arse and stop taking it all for granted. It's not like you sit on your bum all day eating bonbons. If anything you should be doing less and him more. My dh earns what yours does, in a really full on job. When he is home he does stuff with the kids - I would never take one to work so he could do his hobby. It shouldn't be relevant that you earn less - you have ommitted to a job and that job is important. Your h should be facilitating your ability to work as you have facilitated his.

I'm starting to feel guilty that I enjoy my job. I try to avoid talking about it now, as I feel like I'm rubbing his nose in it. I just wish he could find something that he enjoys as much as I do. I really don't care about the money, it's not that important to me - the kids might have a different opinion, but I married him on a low salary - it's just increased over the years. I'd rather him be happy but all he talks about is when the kids have left home and how free we will be. I feel like he's missing out, wishing these years away.

He is missing out. I think he should change his job, but you shouldn't change yours. You have been lucky enough to find something you love and shouldn't throw that away just because he is feeling a bit down about his own choices.

I think there's a compromise to be had here. If he is unhappy he needs to look to find something else. Once he knows what the something else is and what the short fall in income is, you can then work out whether you want to accept that short fall or pursue another job to increase the income. I don't think anyone should have to be in a job they hate.

Could he plan to semi retire any time soon?

And no matter how much you love your job you're being exploited! Are you salaried or paid hourly?

There is nothing to stop you looking for better paid jobs and more hours while carrying on with the job you currently do. It would be foolish to give up your current job without having the next job lined up. Is there any chance of promotion or increasing your hours in your current job? I understand what you are saying about how the job suits you for now but the children won't need this level of supervision forever. If you can at least show that you are exploring options, it might make him feel less resentful. Don't take a job you don't want though. Shifting his misery onto you is not the solution.

Promotion would be a totally different ball game. And while I am paid hourly for 20 hour week, I make this up through overtime, sometimes silly amounts of it.
I suppose I am a bit resentful as well, that he didn't take the redundancy last year and feel as if he screwed up and wants me to fix it by making myself unhappy. I also think he needs to decide what he actually wants to do and start the ball rolling first. At the moment it seems that he wants me to do something I would hate, so he can do what he likes - basically use his time to go cycling every day.

I know you say you don't regret not finishing your degree, but if you have course passes under your belt and you wanted to take up your studies again, you could look into credit transfer with the Open University. You can study part-time with them (although obviously it sounds like it would be difficult for you to fit that in with your current arrangements).

I'm not saying you should definitely do this - but you mentioned your studies, and it might be a way of looking at a longer-term move for both of you.

YANBU

Everyone would like to relax and spend more time on stuff they love. Life doesn't work that way.

He needs to find a focus before doing anything.

Are you able to make cutbacks on your spending as a family? I'm not sure if you've said if your mortgage etc is particularly high?

Our household income is similar to yours in total, admittedly my DC are only young, but still. We budget carefully and manage to overpay the mortgage quite a lot each month, with the plan being that in hopefully 6 years DH will be able to step back from his pressurised, high powered job to something with less responsibility and /or fewer hours. Maybe if you were able to come up with a similar plan DH would see an end in sight?

If he is unhappy in his job, he needs to sort that out. Making you unhappy as well doesn't solve anything, and certainly not the money issue on the figures you have mentioned.

When he knows what he wants to do, you can discuss as a family how to make that happen. Not before.

That's kind of my argument, Wuffleflump. When he knows what he wants to do, and has a plan, then we can work something out.

Yeah, the whole jack it in so I can do my hobby more and relax is irresponsible when you have a family and don't have a plan

60 hours a week for £10k a year?
You should take more financial responsibility.