Who's responsible? DH or DS age 4

[MamWithNoName]

Two things happened recently. DH and DS aged 4 arrived home in the car and DS got his finger slammed in the car door because he had hand near the door hinge when DH closed it. DH denied responsibility saying DS shouldn't have had his hand there. It's not come up before and it's not something I've had to discuss with him so he might not have realised the danger.

The second occasion was when they went on the bus with a little stuffed toy and it got left behind. DH said it was DS's fault as he should have been looking after it. AIBU to think that DH should look out for him more and not expect a 4 year old to be completely responsible.

Yes accidents happen but DH should do more to try and avoid them. And certainly shouldn't try to blame a 4 year old when they happen!

Unfortunately, the OP is not going to be able to address ways of avoiding such things if he insists the child is to blame, it kind of stalls there, doesn't it?

Make sure to give DS all the credit when things go right then "Well done for getting daddy home safely on the bus". If it's his fault if things go wrong he must be given credit when they go right.

If your DH's reaction is usually to immediately deny his own responsibility for any problem, even when it clearly is his own fault, then you have got troubles ahead,

Does he do this often? Does he blame you for difficulties/mistakes?

"My mum always says that some men don't seem to see the danger."

This isn't acceptable. I will never ever forget reading a thread on here a few years ago where a poster's frankly idiotic DH had decided it would be perfectly fine to throw petrol on a bonfire with their child sitting in a buggy next to the fire. They got severely burned, the thread was like something out of a horror film but it was somebody's life.

You HAVE to be able to trust them. Fingers in doors and lost toys are, indeed, accidents that could happen to anybody, I agree. But attitudes which are blasé about "men" not understanding danger shock me.

Everybody accidentally injures their DC at some point or another - bumped heads, fingers in doors or whatever it is, but the normal reaction is to feel terrible, blame yourself and try to work out how you can make sure it never happens again. It's a really weird and selfish reaction to blame the child.

Unfortunately, the OP is not going to be able to address ways of avoiding such things if he insists the child is to blame, it kind of stalls there, doesn't it?

This^^ from Satsuki

Bertie - you are right, of course, but it's nonetheless true of some men that they seem unable to anticipate danger. DH is one. The only danger he was ever bothered by was that DS would be scalded by boiling water, as DH had been at school with a child to whom that had happened, and seen the resultant scars.

However, most of the time I could point the potential dangers out to DH - but not always, frequently I was mocked for my "fears" - until the time that DS was nearly drowned while out in the lake with MIL, because she lost her footing. I'd TOLD them both that they weren't to take him in the lake, DH because he doesn't think, and her because she's not safe on her feet - and there you go. Luckily DH turned round in time to see DS above the water but no sign of his mum (she was underwater, holding DS up) and jumped in and saved them both - but it was a near thing!

Equally, when we got a trampoline for DS (with a net) I wanted to put it onto the grass so that if anyone fell off, it wouldn't be so bad. DH thought I was silly, didn't want the grass ruined, so put it on concrete. Within the first week, Ds had fallen through the open zip in the net (DH hadn't bothered to close it) chin first onto the concrete. LUCKILY (oh so very!) he wasn't that damaged, just had a great big open flap of skin on his chin that I cleaned as best I could and then steri-stripped back together, went to the doc 2 days later (BH weekend, of course) to get it checked properly. He has a very minor scar there now but he could have broken something, concussed himself, anything.

Of course, DH is now absolutely on the ball about potential drowning, falling out of the trampoline etc. - but he'd been completely unable to anticipate those accidents because he doesn't think it will ever happen.

We won't even go into the stolen car that didn't have full insurance on it...

Should very rapidly add though, that DH did NOT attempt to blame Ds for the drowning incident (he might have tried to blame him for falling through the trampoline net later, when he'd calmed down, but not at the time)