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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's responsible? DH or DS age 4

58 replies

MamWithNoName · 15/05/2016 15:57

Two things happened recently. DH and DS aged 4 arrived home in the car and DS got his finger slammed in the car door because he had hand near the door hinge when DH closed it. DH denied responsibility saying DS shouldn't have had his hand there. It's not come up before and it's not something I've had to discuss with him so he might not have realised the danger.

The second occasion was when they went on the bus with a little stuffed toy and it got left behind. DH said it was DS's fault as he should have been looking after it. AIBU to think that DH should look out for him more and not expect a 4 year old to be completely responsible.

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 15/05/2016 16:11

There is no responsibility for an accident - hence the fact they are accidents. Expecting someone to claim responsibility implies there is blame to be had. I think you are massively over thinking things and I should think there is a chance DH is feeling attacked if you are insisting he take responsibility for an accident.

Ds is 4 not 2, he does need to take responsibility for his toy but your DH could have asked him if he had everything and been told yes - technically your ds's fault but it's a non issue for me

Diners in car door - my dsd was told not to shut the car door as dd was getting out. She did, dd had 2 broken fingers as a result at age 2. It was dsd's fault because she ignored an instruction. Not realising your ds's fingers were in the hinge and shutting the door is an accident.

Why is everyone so hell bent on making the dad out to be an evil shit?? If the op had posted saying her hubby was making her feel shit after she accidentally slammed her ds's fingers in the car door would you be attacking her for being an irresponsible arse or him for being a knob?

originalmavis · 15/05/2016 16:12

It's the 'responsible adult's fault.

Original poster
MamWithNoName · 15/05/2016 16:13

Thanks for your replies everyone. June - yes he gets very defensive and didn't mean to hurt DS / loose toy but didn't take enough care. Chipped - not sure what to do. Defensiveness doesn't make for easy conversations but I'm thick skinned and will continue to remind him to take care on various occasions (though this is interpreted as nagging).

OP posts:
Original poster
MamWithNoName · 15/05/2016 16:15

Just to clarify I'm not complaining about the accidents but the fact that DH blames the 4 year old.

OP posts:
VenusRising · 15/05/2016 16:15

Looks like you've got a four year old and a man child.

The job of any parent is to look after the child, not blame them when found out being a self absorbed man child.

So sorry for you and your little DS.
Your dp needs parenting classes.

paxillin · 15/05/2016 16:15

Both accidents, I wouldn't blame either. If blame must be handed out, DH of course.

Damselindestress · 15/05/2016 16:16

Accidents happen but as the adult he should have apologised and admitted responsibility instead of blamed a 4 year old.

originalmavis · 15/05/2016 16:17

He probably feels bad about it and that's his way of dealing with it. That said, a 4 year old does need reminding and checking.

LouBlue1507 · 15/05/2016 16:22

Situation A) Was a complete accident and no one's to blame.

Situation B) Also an accident but I would be telling DS that if he takes toys out then he needs to look after them and learn about responsibility.

NarpIsNotACunt · 15/05/2016 16:31

As long as you are not going into attacking him (sounds like you aren't), then any adult who can't

  1. show concern for his child first
  2. accept some degree of responsibility

and then

  1. blame the child

would annoy and worry me

var123 · 15/05/2016 16:33

DH (is at fault). A 4 year old needs looking after. You have to think what they might do and help them stay safe / look after their things.
But really its better if you don't speak about blame and fault...

NarpIsNotACunt · 15/05/2016 16:35

var123

I agree

OP

Does he straight away talk about blame?

harrisntasha · 15/05/2016 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SlinkyVagabond · 15/05/2016 16:42

Both accidents, but twattish for a grownup to blame a little kid.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 15/05/2016 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/05/2016 16:45

I don't even need to read the OP to know the adult parent is responsible, not the four year old. FFS.

oldjacksscrote · 15/05/2016 16:54

Every time my 2yo has any kind of accident when he's with my OH I always here OH say "that was your fault..." He's an amazing father but I think he does it because he thinks i won't bollock him for not being carful enough if it was ds fault, they're like a pair of naughty children . My mum always says that some men don't seem to see the danger.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 15/05/2016 16:56

Do '4 years old' and 'responsible' ever go in the same sentence? He's 4. FOUR.

Accidents do happen, but they happen far less often when children are with adults who don't expect a 4 year old to act like a 10 year old.

His attitude is horrible.

gabbyevs · 15/05/2016 16:59

how old is your dh?

he sounds about 4 himself-of course its an accident but blaming a child?

sneakyminders · 15/05/2016 17:03

Ok but flip this on its head OP.

Why blame dh/have a go when something is an accident? Then he won't feel a need to be defensive and blame ds.

Why wasn't your reaction, shit must have been horrible for you dh/we must teach ds about door dangers with the first example?

If my dh had a go at me after the trauma of one of my kids shutting their fingers in a door or had a go at me after we'd left a toy on a bus I'd go fucking apeshit at him!

ChewyGiraffe · 15/05/2016 17:06

Looks like you've got a four year old and a man child - this exactly.

Absolutely DH's fault, on both counts.

SatsukiKusakabe · 15/05/2016 17:25

These things happen, but if I shut my child's fingers in a door I'd still feel responsible a bit and feel bad about it happening, even if it was an accident. I think that's normal. I certainly wouldn't make out it's the child's fault, and that is the issue here. The OP didn't say anything about actively blaming her dh for it.

whois · 15/05/2016 17:30

Unless he's usually a dick, I wouldn't say it's anyone's 'fault'. But maybe he could take a bit more care in checking small fingers and clear of the door.

EverySongbirdSays · 15/05/2016 17:36

This reminds me of the sort of shit my Dad would pull

He's basically saying to you OP:

Why haven't YOU taught DS X and Y

Like he himself has no responsibility to parent and teach safety, responsibility and lifeskills to your mutual DS.

I thought fathers had moved on from leaving it all to Mum clearly there are some still out there who think that their role is purely financial and anything enjoyable and fun.

booklooker · 15/05/2016 17:43

Both these were accidents. I think it's more constructive to work on making sure they don't happen again than to get fixated on blame.

This ^

I have made mistakes and caused my dc pain, it's so hard to state immediately that you are to blame, as no parent wants to admit to causing that pain. It was not deliberate.

Much, much better to look at ways of avoiding any further repeitition