to really not understand why I'm so disliked?

[User543212345]

So I was told this week by one of my neighbours that he "sticks up for me" to other people in our development - I asked him to clarify and he said that I'm known as "Bipolar Sweary" and "The snooty cow who is always sticking her nose in". He told me who had told him these things and they're people I've never even spoken to. We live in a development of around 40 flats and I probably know/speak to about half a dozen people here and I'm baffled as to why these things are being said about me. I don't stick my nose in to anything - we really keep ourselves to ourselves (aside from the issue with the drug dealing neighbour, but that was our business as his clients were ringing my doorbell at all hours of the night) and I don't really have anything to do with anyone here.

The thing is, this isn't the first time I've been shown that I'm very much excluded from a group - any time there has been a group dynamic I've been pushed out, or told that I'm being slagged off behind my back by "well-meaning" friends or colleagues. It happens over and over again.

The thing is I really don't get it. I think I'm nice - I'm not rude to people, I help out if asked, I'm not arrogant, I don't push myself forward or trample on other people in order to get what I want - if anything I let people trample on me. I don't get what I do to provoke this reaction in people and I don't get what I'm doing wrong. And it has to be me as it's happening so often.

AIBU to not understand what I'm doing to make me so unlikeable? And if I don't understand it then how can I fix it?

I think this is down to your anxiety.
Many years ago I changed my job going back into a role that I had left 15 years previously. I went into an office where I felt I did not fit in, people were talking about me and I struggled emotionally and really believed no one liked me. I moved departments found myself doing a job I really could do well, relaxed, and suddenly gelled with those around me.
Basically I was so uptight and anxious previously, it had affected peoples attitude to me and my behaviour without knowing or realising it towards them.
I'm sure it is your anxiety, having an effect on you. Try and address that.

I'm just shocked that that neighbour was so horrible to tell you. I'm sure all of us have had people give out about us but nobody thought to tell us.
My dh has bipolar and one of his traits is too give it to people straight out. What he says is true but not tempered by any social nicety. He can never understand why people are not delighted with his opinion. It doesn't sound like you do that.

OP I have the same problem, I find myself pushed to the periphery of groups. It is partly the anxiety and shyness that make me seem reserved. It is partly because I can be weird in social situations- I don't mean to, and everyone says they like weird- believe me, they don't! I often miss social cues and I can be excessively blunt- by accident. And when I'm depressed I push everyone away anyway. Not many people can handle all of that, long term.

As I read this thread I kept wondering if it might be Aspergers/ASD and I see that this is something you have considered yourself. This is a link to a page which describes the condition quite well, you might want to take a look and see if you feel like it sounds like you or not. www.actionforaspergers.org/what-is-aspergers-syndrome/

Sweary I second Decaff above saying how impressive it is you're tackling an eating disorder - that's such a notoriously hard thing to do, so kudos to you for that.

And I agree that you've internalised an awful lot of negative messages about yourself - sounds these started with your mother and how could you have not internalised them in that case? We learn about who we are from our parents, our sense of self comes from them way they perceive and treat us, and the trouble is that if they give us a false idea of who we are (invariably because of their own unresolved issues), as children we simply don't have the tools to resist and reject those false messages.

So we take them on and believe them to be true and go through life believing, whether consciously or unconsciously (or both!) that this distorted image they forced on us is actually the truth about us. That's why you find it hard to believe that people being mean to you says more about them than about you. It resonates because it connects with the false image you have of yourself which your mother's negative messages implanted - but it actually is nothing to do with who you really are!

It's hard to undo and rewrite those negative messages though - good that you've had some therapy but if you get no joy from the GP could you afford to pay for more yourself? A really good therapist is a solid investment if you're dealing with these issues - but only a really good one! And if you're paying you get to choose someone who feels right to you.

Okay, op, but what is said neighbour saying about you to garner these opinions? It's not the soft of convo that comes up in small talk. I think he's a stirrer.

*sort

I scored 35 on that test :( I have similar problems OP except noone ever takes it upon themselves to tell me. It sounds like a combination of you being socially awkward and some people being jerks about it. Why did he need to tell you those things?

I just took that and got 38! I'm pretty sure I did it before and got 32...I've somehow developed and enhanced my Asperger's, it seems.

I have a friend who is autistic, and face blind. She's friendly, very friendly, but she doesn't understand social cues because of her autism.
She's also regularly stopped as a potential security "threat" because of her behaviour and demeanour, because she doesn't fit societal "norms".

I'd probably ask this person why he felt he had to say those things to you - was he genuinely trying to be kind? Has he interacted with you before? If you think that there is a chance he was trying to be kind, then it might be worth having another conversation with him and maybe explaining some of what you've said here. However, that's entirely up to you and if you can't tell if he's being genuine or not, then possibly best to just let it lie.

I'm glad others have mentioned aspergers. An adult diagnosis can be an empowering and useful thing. Your gp can refer you (waiting list is long tho). This person is no friend of yours and probably has some dubious reason for his words or a mental health problem. It is more than likely not even true. Dont trust this person and try not to let his words affect you. You can learn how to spot people like this, as stubbornstains says.

I did actually ask and challenge him when he mentioned it and he kept saying "listen, Sweary, I think you're wonderful don't be upset" when I clearly was. We've chatted before but not in a frequent manner. He did (just remembered this) tell me it put years on me when I shaved my head so I think he's blunt/clumsy/rude.

I took the aspergers test linked up thread and scored 41 on it and found a link on the neurodiversity thread about aspie women and DH and I were agog at how well it describes me - so I have made an appointment to speak my GP in a fortnight's time - by which time my discharge letter from the ED clinic might have come through. I have BUPA and can pay for assessment and therapy so may well go down the private route if I can get the GP to refer me.

I was so distressed and low when I posted this yesterday and feel I now have some things to action, so thank you for giving me some hope.

Gosh you have done so much already, very proactive and just really smart. All the best with your GP and getting good support. And don't give wny more headspace to those neighbours.

Really pleased that this thread has been of use to you, Sweary. Hope the GP is helpful too.

You might want to take the list and how you feel you fit it with you to the gp.

Oh Swearing l hope you are o.k. As l read through the thread l started to think Autistic Spectrum. I spent 30 years working with people living with Autism and Aspergers. Some of the nicest people l have ever met as there was simply no "side" to them. They were truly honest. Talk to your GP some are more informed than others. Years ago a friend was diagnosed with schizophrenia when in fact she is Autistic. Your neighbour may be trying to help in a very clumsy way but has no idea how literally you could take his words and therefore how hurtful.Your poor relationship with your mum may be because she didn't have the understanding to develop a relationship with you. I wish you well

Your neighbour is an arse. No point speculating what his motivation was - he's just a twat. Why tell someone that?? FFS.

OP, you sound lovely.

Do you have friends? Could you ask a close friend or your h how you come across in social situations, get some honest - but kind - feedback? Then you can work on fixing or improving things?

1. He's a twat and he knows he upset you (at least twice). The whole 'I'm telling you this because I like you' is bullshit. He told you because he wanted to upset you.
2. People who are unkind do it because they like to hurt others - it makes them feel more powerful. So they want to upset you because of their own needs and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
3. Unkind people pick quiet/people pleasing people to be unkind to. That is because they know you won't tell them to go f themselves, but are much more likely to take it and think about how you can make yourself better so they'll be kinder/like you more. Which is exactly what you are doing now.
4. I'm a people pleaser and have had a lifetime of this sort of bs. It's taken me nearly 40 years to work out it's actually a good arsehole filter. It's not me. It's them. So what if I like to keep my emotions to myself. Only a total arse would interpret that as me being 'cold hearted' or the 'ice queen' and then tell me that's what they/'other people' think. Only an arse would tell me hurtful things. Only an arse would make me feel I had to do better to please them. Whenever people behave this way, you know they are one of life's selfish takers who enjoy putting other people down because they are easier to manipulate that way. Take it as a gift that you have that they show you their true colours and you can then stay well away from them.
5. If you worry that people don't know you very well and would like to get to know them (the nice ones, not the ones who tell you you aren't good enough) then try asking them a couple of questions about their day. Remember something they told you about what they are doing/did and then ask them how it went. Also, if you are having a tough time people like to hear you have made a mistake/feel a bit down if they have told you something they find hard. It's like swapping a problem with each other. But again, only do this with people who are kind and have proved to you they are because they make time for you.

You may have aspergers, or you may have anxiety issues from childhood, or both. Investigating it is an interesting and enlightening journey so I would say go for it. You will learn to love yourself and avoid the people who put you down. It will give you the strength to spot an arse a mile off and not blame yourself for their behaviour.