to really not understand why I'm so disliked?

[User543212345]

So I was told this week by one of my neighbours that he "sticks up for me" to other people in our development - I asked him to clarify and he said that I'm known as "Bipolar Sweary" and "The snooty cow who is always sticking her nose in". He told me who had told him these things and they're people I've never even spoken to. We live in a development of around 40 flats and I probably know/speak to about half a dozen people here and I'm baffled as to why these things are being said about me. I don't stick my nose in to anything - we really keep ourselves to ourselves (aside from the issue with the drug dealing neighbour, but that was our business as his clients were ringing my doorbell at all hours of the night) and I don't really have anything to do with anyone here.

The thing is, this isn't the first time I've been shown that I'm very much excluded from a group - any time there has been a group dynamic I've been pushed out, or told that I'm being slagged off behind my back by "well-meaning" friends or colleagues. It happens over and over again.

The thing is I really don't get it. I think I'm nice - I'm not rude to people, I help out if asked, I'm not arrogant, I don't push myself forward or trample on other people in order to get what I want - if anything I let people trample on me. I don't get what I do to provoke this reaction in people and I don't get what I'm doing wrong. And it has to be me as it's happening so often.

AIBU to not understand what I'm doing to make me so unlikeable? And if I don't understand it then how can I fix it?

Future I agree, not to derail but it seems this is an issue that overwhelmingly affects women. From the same school of thought that gave us 'Cheer up love'. It is not my civic duty to present myself as a giddy school girl when all I want to do is get from A to B without any fuss.

Adrenaline "It is not my civic duty to present myself as a giddy school girl when all I want to do is get from A to B without any fuss"

this made me lol but it's so true. If I am not smiley and bouncey I think some of my neighbours think something is wrong, when in reality I'm happy but I am usually going somewhere or arriving back from somewhere when they see me and I am the sort of person that can't wait to get home after a long day at work etc so stopping for a chat often isn't on the agenda. If I bump into them getting post on a Saturday and they want to chat that can be different.

So I wonder if OP has similar ways and people just take it the wrong way, which is hugely annoying.

Yes I've always had difficulties fitting in - certainly I remember being an outcast and bullied through school from around the age of 8/9 or so. I have wondered about aspergers/ASD - particularly as there is quite a bit of research at the moment linking autism and adult anorexia - but wouldn't know where to start in finding out.

I'm fairly consistent in my behaviour here - and I smile and say hello when I pass people in the development but don't stop and chat so the bipolar thing has confused me a lot. Particularly as the person who allegedly said it to my neighbour is someone I've never met or spoken to beyond the smile/hello in passing. I really don't get involved in stuff - there's always drama between one flat falling out with another - and I don't notice/care and stay well out so I don't get the sticking nose in either. I am truly baffled by this.

It's really distressing to consider that actually everyone else is right and I'm the problem as an awful human. And that my mother was right about me all along

Sweary You do seem to have internalised a great deal of negative feedback about yourself. I understand why your baffled as you say there is no basis at least from your interactions with them. Some people are just such empty vessels that all they do is sit there and make things up about perfect strangers. It's really an odd part of human nature.
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to work through a few issues from your past?

I was going to ask if you were scapegoated as a child and then I saw your last comment about your mother and now I have the answer.

I bet you're a lovely person, you were just set up as a scapegoat as a child and now it's become an entrenched dynamic which will follow you round to any group you're a part of.

What's your relationship with your mother like now, if you still see her? Have you had any kind of talking therapy to help you address the way she treated you, and the impact of that? She was wrong about you, you know. She was the awful human for telling her own child evil shit like that.

The first place to start can often be an online test - here's one;

www.aspergerstestsite.com/aq-test-results/

I think what stands out here is that you feel "got at" in several social situations. Aspies are often quite socially naive (I am- or was!), and it's easy to enter a group with good intentions, and then get hurt when they turn out to be Not That Nice. It sounds like you have inadvertently ended up having to do with some really unpleasant people, and perhaps didn't realise what they were like in time to put up some barriers? The good news is that you can consciously learn how to spot people who are going to turn out nasty, and learn how to politely avoid them/ shut their nonsense down. I have- now.

Learning that I probably have Asperger's (never had a formal diagnosis) was key, as it helped me to understand who I am, and not be ashamed of it. If only I'd known from childhood, my early life could have been so much different . I, too, had a parent who was nasty to me- only in this case it was my dad.

I agree, not to derail but it seems this is an issue that overwhelmingly affects women. From the same school of thought that gave us 'Cheer up love'. It is not my civic duty to present myself as a giddy school girl when all I want to do is get from A to B without any fuss.

Exactly. I don't get why it's perceived as rude if you don't want to stop and chat constantly either. I have stuff to do.

Yes I've always had difficulties fitting in - certainly I remember being an outcast and bullied through school from around the age of 8/9 or so. I have wondered about aspergers/ASD - particularly as there is quite a bit of research at the moment linking autism and adult anorexia - but wouldn't know where to start in finding out.

Pop over to the neurodiverse women's support thread. A few people there had adult diagnoses and will be able to advise you. I was a teen so can't offer any personal insight.

I'm fairly consistent in my behaviour here - and I smile and say hello when I pass people in the development but don't stop and chat so the bipolar thing has confused me a lot. Particularly as the person who allegedly said it to my neighbour is someone I've never met or spoken to beyond the smile/hello in passing. I really don't get involved in stuff - there's always drama between one flat falling out with another - and I don't notice/care and stay well out so I don't get the sticking nose in either. I am truly baffled by this.

That's like me, I am pleasant but I neither care nor am interested in extensive chatting or personal dramas between people I live near/work with/whatever. I've had people accuse me of being aloof and cold which I think is quite unfair.

I think people assume if you're not as extroverted as they are, there's a problem with you. It's stupid.

I've had a fair bit of therapy over the last couple of years and whilst I know that people being mean says more about them than it does me I don't believe it if that makes any sense. I think it applies to other people but not to me.

I really appreciate the kindness on this thread - thank you. I'm feeling oh-so fragile and unworthy and that you've all taken time to respond is heartwarming

OP I agree with others, the first thing that I thought when reading your post was that your neighbour fancies you and is trying some bizarre 'us versus them' tactic to make you think he's looking out for you.

As for the other stuff about people not liking you, you sound self aware enough to look at what you are doing socially and how you treat people - I wouldn't give it another thought.

People always get moaned about/ criticised/taken the piss out of by other people. It's human nature.

The people you believe everyone likes are the ones who don't really care what others think, and who just let things negative comments go.

It's really hard to do this, not many people actually can, but they can give the impression that they are happy in their own skin. You sound very nice, sounds like you just need to change how you feel about yourself and not how others see you.

It's really distressing to consider that actually everyone else is right and I'm the problem as an awful human. And that my mother was right about me all along

That's bollocks. You are not an awful human. To be honest I think people who gossip and spread shit are 100xworse than people who keep to themselves!

I sounds like he is stirring as he likes the drama. It's a familiar situation I've been in since I suspect I have undiagnosed Aspergers and so have been accused of being stand offish or stuck up since I am not interested in gossip. Also I have made the mistake of thinking people where attempting to be friendly but just being nosey.

It's common to think that they are seeing you as a lab Rat but it says more about them than you. You might find you are both more popular than you think and that other people really need a hobby.

After all if I'm the most interesting thing in their life, their lives must be real boring.

In 2007 I had some serious hypnotherapy. The clinical psychologist 'put in' a smile, whilst she was taking out other stuff. It took it a few years to surface but when the depression lifted, the smile got out. Now I go around grinning like the Cheshire cat and there's nothing I can do about it.

But people like it. They smile at me and stop to chat.

It does my head in.

But if you want people to like you, I'd advise you to smile.

Mmm, looking at this from another perspective, I sort of wish I could arouse some strong emotions in other people, not in an antisocial way obviously, but some people have been doted with stronger personalities that arouse love in some people and hatred in others. You have obviously offended the drug dealer, and why on earth would you want someone like that to like you?

My MIL used to say you are not a little gold coin for everyone to love you and that is a fact. If there is an truth in the Bipolar Sweary tale-telling I would imagine that it is as simple as you sometimes forget to say hello to your neighbours, so they think you run hot and cold (at least that is what I do because I often walk around in a dream and people wish interpret these things as they wish).

I have suffered anxiety and depression and up until very recently would have easily written your post word for word (if I had the confidence to even do that). I have been having CBT for social anxiety and that is really helping me to see myself differently and react to things in different ways. I still don't have any friends but I am working on it.

The thing is I think my anxiety and depression did make me come across a bit erratic and odd. I also think I blew up a couple of awful experiences to become defining. I came to believe I was fundamentally unlikable and nobody wanted me as part of a group. This then became something of a self fulfilling prophecy I think, until one day I woke up and realised I didn't have a single friend in the whole world except dh.

It is a slow process to change the scripts we write about ourselves in childhood, but it can be done.

Also your neighbours all sound horrid anyway!

op, two words FUCK EM
if you know your a decent human being then its them with the problem not you
i could of wrote your post a few years back but ive learnt to toughen up.
i used to be a ppl pleaser so scared of saying the wrong thing in case i offended someone and i'd come home and be worrying all night about something i'd said (nothing offensive but thats where the anxiety was taking hold)"hope they didnt take it the wrong way" or " i shouldnt of said that" i would even wake up in the middle of the night worrying
i think nasty ppl pick up on this and see it as a weakness abit like bullys playing with your mind
i had this right up until i was about 40 and now i could not give a toss what anyone else thinks about me i know im a decent person but it also comes across that i am a stronger person , if anyone says anything sarcastic about me now i'll pull them up on it even if they are "only joking"
dont give them anymore head space they're cunts the lot of them

I'm with Talking. I think this is your mother's doing.

I appear (and test) borderline Asperger's but it's very hard to distinguish between low-intensity ASDs and trauma response. Professionals do special training in it. For all I know, I may have both - but I know how to work on the one, and am probably too old to change the other now!

Keep talking to your therapist :)

dont give them anymore head space they're cunts

Excellent advice!

This must be really hurtful OP. Sadly there are always people who love nothing better than to stir up trouble and they will often pick on people who are feeling a bit vulnerable (as you obviously are, from what you have said).
The fact that you have reacted as you have proves that it is a load of nonsense. If you were standoffish, you would respond by seeing the fault in them, not yourself.

You sound like a lovely person - look out for those who make you feel good about yourself and ignore the others!

I don't have any advice but am impressed that you are tackling an adult eating disorder- it's inspiring.

I'm fairly sure the neighbour doesn't fancy me - I'm definitely not his type (he lives with his boyfriend) but do think he was maybe trying to buy favour/affection?

I'm not bothered about the drug dealer - who is likely to no longer be a problem in a couple of months thanks to the stellar work done by our local police. It's all the other people I don't have any interaction with making derogatory comments about me. I honestly don't think I have a strong personality either, I just end up in positions where I get stuck or lumbered with labels (and then get very upset at the injustice of it all).

I'm sorry that others have dealt with this. It's so isolating and distressing. It does, however, give me some hope that you are further along the path to a bit more confidence. Hopefully I'll find a decent therapist to go through this with (my funding has just run out with the eating disorder people). Back to the GP this week I think.

And yes, they're cunts and they don't deserve headspace. I'll work on not giving it to them.

good for you sweary , the only ppl you need to worry about is the ones you care about
bollox to the rest of them

Without being all nethuns about it, may I just say you came across as extremely likeable on here. Your posts are thoughtful, well-measured, not attention-seeking, not blaming, rather kind and very insightful. I think you seem like just the sort of person normal, decent, kind people would like.

I reckon neighbour is being economical with the truth. I bet no-one described you as bipolar. I work with teenagers and I hear these stories all the time. Believe me, they lose nothing in the telling. Also, as any experienced teacher will tell you "everybody thinks..." means in reality "me and my two mates..." Your neighbour may not be a teen in years, but this story is.

If you do have trouble with friendships, maybe it is worth doing a little work with that, but otherwise I would try to put this incident out of your mind and go about your business as normal.

I think it is highly unlikely that the people who are supposed to be hostile to you in his eyes are hostile. Maybe he has some sort of agenda where he wants to undermine your. Either way I'd be more guarded about what you share with him.

I'm so sorry this happens to you. That sounds really difficult. Without knowing you, it's going to be really difficult for anyone on here to really help you understand this recurring situation. But it sounds like something that really bothers you, so Peppa it would be a good idea to talk to a real friend about it? Someone you can trust and who would dare to be honest, but gentle with you? If there's no one like that you can talk to, it may be worth considering taking to your GP about in relation to your other mental health issues, and see if you can get some counselling, (of you aren't getting it already) and bring this up as part of the counselling.

In my personal experience, when some one finds it difficult to have harmonious relationships with people around them, it can be rooted in personal issues. Once you feel better and more stable about yourself, your relations with others may change for the better, too. But please don't think you need to stay away from contact with people! It will only make you feel worse.

Instead, I'd recommend trying to focus on taking to people you do trust and get along with, and don't worry about the others for now. When you do have to interact with them, just keep conversations to general pleasantries, and try not to worry about what they think about you. Those people don't know you for real, and their judgments are just of the small part of you they can see without seeing the full picture.