Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get angry about the looks I get??

38 replies

MrJones1977 · 15/05/2016 10:50

Quick back story, my DP and I have a 10 yr old(from her previous relationship) and 3 yr old girl(from our relationship) My partner has a good job she has worked hard in to climb the ranks. As my job was okay but not super I found an evening job so I can do the child care and so my partner could stay at hers.
Here's the thing, when I did school runs(the best oldest now walks to school by herself) and go shopping I get the scewiest/dirty looks from some mothers as if I am some sort of unemployed bum. And some of the looks the schoolyard mothers gave me would imply I was some kind of,well you get the idea. My partner and I work hard,get no benefits at all and do our best by our kids.
AIBU getting annoyed with the people who look at me like a common serf? Do I need to wear a T shir proclaiming I am a working dad? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and found a way to combat this?

OP posts:
NoahVale · 15/05/2016 10:53

yup, you need to wear a teeshirt. definately or at least make loud comments about your evening work, night shift etc.,

TheWindInThePillows · 15/05/2016 10:54

MrJones I'm really surprised to hear you say this. There was a thread recently where mums were saying how much they liked (!) the playground dads. My husband was a SAHD for two years for three days a week and he made quite a few friends at the school gate.

Is it the area you are in? Are there no other dads there? Even in our not terribly posh town, there were still dads/grandpas at the church playgroup, and now at the school gates, I see dads a lot, I know some of them quite well after years of walking the same route! Dads also pick up from Brownies/Guides.

I can't say it isn't happening to you though, as clearly it is, I just wonder why (or perhaps I didn't see it as I'm not the dad in the situation).

TormundGiantsbabe · 15/05/2016 10:55

Ignore it. You can't please everyone and I wouldn't even bother trying.

NarpIsNotACunt · 15/05/2016 10:56

Are you absolutely sure they do this? Are you sure it's not your own discomfort making you paranoid?

Are there no other fathers in the playground?
Are there *no8 other men in the shopping centre? (I am wondering where you live)

If there is even 1, I'd make a beeline and get some solidarity (if you really feel they are judging you)

One thing's for sure, nothing will change if you assume the worst. There must be someone who will be friendly to you.

NoahVale · 15/05/2016 10:57

dont be angry though.

hmcAsWas · 15/05/2016 11:01

This is completely in your head!

LumpySpacedPrincess · 15/05/2016 11:16

Are you sure you're not being paranoid?

Original poster
MrJones1977 · 15/05/2016 11:18

Not in my head. My youngest was at nursery until it disbanded and the mums there were lovely. I did/have made 'friends' with some parents and we do chat when we bump into each other.
There are quite a few who do give the looks. I am a relatively friendly person and will talk to just about everyone. If someone makes eye contact whilst I am out I will of and say hello.
I was once at a park with my youngest and said hello to someone who was obviously looking at us and got the dirtiest look.

Is there some sort of Pseudo Alpha Mum clique I am unaware of?

OP posts:
kitkat1968 · 15/05/2016 11:20

Surprised to read this! The school mums here are round SAHDs like flies round the proverbial!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 15/05/2016 11:21

TBH, if they don't know the full 'story', they may just be a bit jealous of the fact that you are an involved father..? Do they know your DW at all?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 15/05/2016 11:21

DP, sorry... Blush

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 15/05/2016 11:23

I get the scewiest/dirty looks from some mothers as if I am some sort of unemployed bum. And some of the looks the schoolyard mothers gave me would imply I was some kind of,well you get the idea

I would be amazed if this is actually happening in the way you imagine. It's totally normal for dads to meet their kids from school. There's bound to be groups that chat/are friends, but I have never encountered this kind of thing.

But anyway, from your OP, this isn't actually happening anymore? The eldest does her own journey and your other child is only 3?

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2016 11:23

I get the scewiest/dirty looks from some mothers as if I am some sort of unemployed bum

And some of the looks the schoolyard mothers gave me would imply I was some kind of,well you get the idea

How on earth can you tell the reason for these looks? I mean is there a certain look people shoot that actually says 'unemployed bum'? Confused

It's quite likely that you feel uncomfortable with your set up, if this is how you're interpreting looks.

Until someone actually says something about your set up, you can't possibly know why they're giving you filthy looks.

Pinkginandolives · 15/05/2016 11:24

Just to reassure you a bit, some of those mothers would be giving dirty looks to other mothers in the playground too. There have been whole threads about how traumatised people have been by these harridans. You're doing a brilliant job for your family by taking the bulk of the childcare and also working. I enjoyed chatting to the dads in the playground when I used to do the school run. Was always a teeny bit worried that they might think I was chatting them up!!! (I wasn't). That may be an issue why some people don't approach you for a chat at the school gates.

Keep being friendly when you get the chance and maybe get involved with some PTA events. It took some time but eventually I made some lovely friends, who I still socialise now our children are at senior school.

Original poster
MrJones1977 · 15/05/2016 11:27

I the reason I gave as an obvious assumption, I don't broadcast my past/life experiences so people only know what I want them to know. Is it because I don't broadcast my life that I get this treatment?

OP posts:
claraschu · 15/05/2016 11:29

Just want to say, it would be 100% ok if you were not earning money too: you don't need to be a "working dad". Nothing wrong with being a SAHD, if that's what suits your family.

AliciaMayEmory · 15/05/2016 11:30

It wouldn't even occur to me to wonder why a man was in the supermarket/shops/school run/after school clubs. People work different shift patterns, work from home, are self employed, on sick leave, SAHP, the possibilities are endless and not once would I think that they were a jobless bum! I'm usually thinking more about the list if things to get done than worrying about everyone else!

May be you are a bit paranoid, or maybe they just have a 'resting bitch face'! Sometimes you just need to adopt 'stuff it' attitude and just give them a cheery smile and say hello.

Remember, there are women on the school run or out and about who will scowl at everyone, and probably have always done so even before kids. Some people are just miserable and it's not just because you are a bloke on the school run or in town during the day.

Original poster
MrJones1977 · 15/05/2016 11:37

Had to Google 'Resting Bitch Face'. You may have a point with that one as I am at times sleep deprived and could come across that way. Maybe I don't have a friendly face. That sucks. But this is why I use Mumsnet as it is helpful(and some threads do make me chuckle)
Thank you everyone Smile

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/05/2016 11:40

Why would they assume you were an "unemployed bum" simply because you're walking around a supermarket in the day time, or because you're at the school gate, and I they're there themselves aren't they.
Is it not then fair for you to assume. That they're also "unemployed bums"...
You could be an evening worker
You could work from home
You could start work at 7am and finish at 3.
Not all jobs are 9-5.

TheWindInThePillows · 15/05/2016 11:43

Not everyone is friendly. I have a neighbour who is a mum and she has a very bitchyrestingface plus she never says hello first. Or she may actually dislike me. I don't care, and that's the point- who gives a monkeys about people looking at you. It seems exceptionally unlikely they are all judging you harshly whilst on the school run or in the supermarket in the daytime themselves!

Thataintnoetchasketch · 15/05/2016 11:44

When DS goes to school it'll be DH dropping him off when I'm working as he works nights. I don't know many people who work 9-5 anymore and a lot of DHs friends who are shift workers or work flexi take a much more active role in bringing up their kids than those that aren't. I think its a great thing that you can be so involved and your family are lucky that you can do that.

If these women are really as bad as you say can you ask DD loudly in the playground what she'd like to do this afternoon before daddy has to go to work? Or make a point of trying to talk to them - maybe some of it is your own paranoia?

Janecc · 15/05/2016 11:45

I'm surprised too. I think you just need to hard nose through it tbh - some parents can treat certain parents abysmally for a variety of reasons. If there is any out and out bullying then I would bring it up with the school. As long as it's on school grounds, you have cause for complaint.

Ludwaysl · 15/05/2016 11:45

There's about a 50/50 split between men and women doing out school drops and pick ups, both parents and grandparents. DH says he's never noticed anyone looking at him, he does drop offs way more than I do. Are you certain you're not projecting?

Original poster
MrJones1977 · 15/05/2016 11:54

Just asked my DP, I am a DWRBF. Yup, a Dad with resting bitch face.

OP posts:
sharknad0 · 15/05/2016 11:56

It's strange. When my husband is in the country, he tries to do the school runs, go to playgroups and parks. He's never been given dirty looks by other mums. He can work from home for weeks at a time, so they would see him regularly, but no-one seems to care, they have no idea what he does.

I have only seen furious looks when we went to baby clinics together and some breastfeeding mums tutted when seeing him, which was a bit strange but that hasn't happened anywhere else!