to feel undermined

[fizzingmum]

DP has a son just shy of 7. He is with us 3 days a week. I have two girls aged 9 & 12. Both my children are expected to complete age appropriate tasks (sorting washing, clearing plates etc). I don't think this is too much to expect of SS either. As it stands he won't do a thing. Doesn't make his bed or help. He literally just plays on his X box the whole time he is with us. I discussed this with DP and we agreed that when he arrived today, before heading for his X box he would have to join us all in sorting washing (we have all been on holidays separately so there is a lot this week). He grabbed a couple of his own things and started for upstairs. I said hang on mate, we need to sort it all out and then take it to our own rooms. He came back in the room and rolled his eyes and pulled a face. I said to him "you can roll your eyes and pull your face as much as you want but until the job is done there is no X box". Nothing different than I would have said to my girls. DP immediately jumps to his defence and says he didn't do it. I said he did. SS then pounces on the opportunity to get out of helping by crying. DP was furious that I had told him off and made him cry. DP then proceeds to take SS away and comfort him. My girls then go on strike and say if SS doesn't have to help ever why should we. A fair point. However I said to carry on and if it was finished before SS returned to help, his punishment would be no X box for the rest of today. I explained this to both DP & SS. DP then takes SS side and says to me that I handled it badly as he is upset. All this in front of the children. I feel like he completely undermined me in front of kids and made it clear to SS that a few tears will get him out of any job. TBH I am far more courteous and patient with SS than my own Dds as I feel like I am walking on egg shells with SS. God forbid he should have to do anything for himself or the family. We Had agreed beforehand between us that the kids would do this job tonight. AIBU to feel so undermined. I feel like all the work I have put into having a relationship and establishing boundaries and balance with SS has been undone in one fell swoop. If DP didn't agree with me it should have been done in private surely? I'm also 7 months pregnant and bouncing between being extremely upset to extremely angry.

This has gone badly wrong now.

I recommend that your H picks a task that he and his son can do together e.g, laying the table, clearing the table, emptying dishwasher or whatever he deems suitable. That way, your SS will learn how to do it but with a less critical superviser and without the audience of you and your daughters.

Funny, I got from the opening post an irritation with DP. I guess we all interpret differently.

How do you all sort washing?

I would have thought that it would have been enough to give him his washing to put away tbh.

Your partner might be being over defensive as he thinks that you are too harsh.

Not good that he thinks you lied about the eyerolling.

I too think it sounds worrying that dss spends all his time playing on the Xbox. At 6 it should be up to the adults in his life to be minimising the time he spends playing on it, rather than leaving him to self regulate! My 5 year old dd would spend all her time on the iPad if I allowed it!

I'm sorry OP but I think your H needs to step up as his dad and start providing/ insisting on more age appropriate activities for him to do.

I don't think a six yo should be sorting his dad's girlfriend's washing and that her daughters either.
Help laying table, making his bed yes but not sorting through the above people's washing.

If the whole family were sorting out together then ss should be included and help also.

Those saying a 6 yr shouldnt sort washing, what a load of rubbish, a four yr old could and its a activity they clearly are doing together.

It reads as annoyed with dp not ss and i think a lot of posters are reading far more into it.

Is best to get all the family routines and chores set up before the new baby arrives and yanbu as dp did undermine you with ss but with dds also as they understand this is a family chore so everyone pitches in but if ss doesnt have to, the dynamic changes.

You need to talk with dp and reagree what chores ss will do, explain you are not being mean but will treat all children the same and that you feel you are ealking on eggshells.

To treat him any differently to your two girls will store up resentment in them and willl not integrate ss into the family as he will be seen as other an outlier.

As for the xbox you need to find activities you can all do together and build in some father son time for them also, and if a new baby is on the way this is a blended family and not a dads new girlfriend type situation so of course this little boy should be treated as part of the family.

I also think some posters have been very lazy with teaching their children life skills if they think that sorting washing is beyond a 6 yr old espescially when it with help and together with the other family members.

I'd ask your husband to ensure that he and your step son do [name task here] as you and your daughters are sorting the washing and putting it away. If they say no then say you will leave their clothes in the basket for them to do later. Point out that until each person has put their clothes away they may play X box/ watch TV/ etc. Sooner it's done the sooner they can do what they want. Not to mention as an X box fan myself I wouldn't think it appropriate for 7 year old to be playing for hours at a time.

He should have backed you up on what you agreed.

Your DH is making a rod for his own back.

Or does he sort of think washing is women's work and that his precious boy shouldn't lower himself?

It sounds like you and DP have different expectations regarding what the DC should do around the house. Add to that his dad only has him half the week so probably trying to ensure that time is fun etc.

You and DP need to agree on what's expected and then communicate that to the DC. I do think you were BU to decide on a punishment for the child without discussion with his dad.

To be clear it was all clean washing and all folded in piles. Just needed sorted into who's is who's. It had been done at the launderette as there was a lot after holidays which yes SS had been on and enjoyed too. I wasn't asking him to sort mine and my girls dirty laundry. He also wasn't helping in taking just his own. He grabbed just a couple of his own bits and headed off, there was still plenty left even just his own. But I didn't just collect and clean our dirty washing in the first place, I dont only cook and clean for only me and my children etc so i don't expect he can only sort his own clean washing. And I'm not just a new girlfriend. We have lived together for 2 years and are expecting number 4 soon. The underwear was done separately by me as they all pull their faces about sorting knickers and undies. I've had a day to calm down and think it over, and of course read these comments. I don't think it's out of his capabilities to do this task. In every other way he is treated as an equal. Even when he is not with us he is included ( if treats are bought or anything), activities such as days out or cinema trips are saved for days when he is with us, so he doesn't miss out or feel left out. I just think that it should also include some age appropriate responsibility. DP thanks that as he is only with us a few days he should be allowed to enjoy his X box and not have to do anything. He doesn't discipline my two although I have suggested he should. He is a let it slide kind of parent, I'm more nip it in the bud if you know what I mean. I don't see how some posters have got that I don't like SS. It's taken a long slow road to get a relationship established, boundaries etc and this has set us back. DP doesn't see what he has done in undermining in front of kids, he still thinks I am wrong to be upset.

But you don't seem to think you've done anything wrong either? Perhaps if you realise that and mention it to your partner he may agree to having been a bit wrong in his reaction too and you can go from there.

But you don't seem to think you've done anything wrong either?

But what has she done wrong? Asked a 7 year old to help with a few piles of clean laundry, as was pre-agreed with his father?

He is 6

I feel sorry for this little boy. He is very young, he doesn't live with his dad, his dad lives with your daughters there is another baby on the way and you can bet your life he picks up on the tension between you and dp when he's there. Try and think of it more from his point of view.

Your dp is feeling guilty and wants to pander to him whenever he is with you as he doesn't want to be telling him off or giving him chores. I'd imagine it's more that rather than him being a 'let it slide' parent.

For me the washing/chores thing wouldn't matter at all, the playing on Xbox all day would. Why do you feel so strongly about him having stuff to do round the house? You seem to be a dog with a bone about it. He's 7, clearing plate after eating and making bed is all I'd expect of him tbh.

Also there are ways and ways of telling children to do chores. Do you ask him nicely and give him warning i.e. 'before we go out to X' or 'in 10 minutes' 'after this game'. I'm not a soft touch but I'm a believer in affording children the respect we demand from them. If your partner perceives you speak to him harshly it might be why he goes the other way.

Only thing YABU for is posting this in AIBU, because you're going to get an absolute pasting.

But no, step kids shouldn't be treated like little gods when the resident kids are expected to share in the housework too. OP shouldn't be undermined in her own home.

And as PPs have said, kids are MORE than capable of helping at this boy's age. My then 3yo DS1 was actually thrilled to put washing in the machine, or try and mop the floor, bless him. He likes to feel like he's helping, it's lovely.

Well, that sounds more like a DH problem than a DSS problem to me.

It will be interesting to hear how you agree to go about parenting your joint children,

Only a few days with you so he should be allowed to enjoy the x box

Surely he should be getting involved in family activities?

You don't have a problem with DSS, you have a problem with DP.

Aye the ops reactions/comments were ott/out of order. That's where she is wrong

Trip

He came back in the room and rolled his eyes and pulled a face. I said to him "you can roll your eyes and pull your face as much as you want but until the job is done there is no X box".

How is that OTT and out of order?