to feel undermined

[fizzingmum]

DP has a son just shy of 7. He is with us 3 days a week. I have two girls aged 9 & 12. Both my children are expected to complete age appropriate tasks (sorting washing, clearing plates etc). I don't think this is too much to expect of SS either. As it stands he won't do a thing. Doesn't make his bed or help. He literally just plays on his X box the whole time he is with us. I discussed this with DP and we agreed that when he arrived today, before heading for his X box he would have to join us all in sorting washing (we have all been on holidays separately so there is a lot this week). He grabbed a couple of his own things and started for upstairs. I said hang on mate, we need to sort it all out and then take it to our own rooms. He came back in the room and rolled his eyes and pulled a face. I said to him "you can roll your eyes and pull your face as much as you want but until the job is done there is no X box". Nothing different than I would have said to my girls. DP immediately jumps to his defence and says he didn't do it. I said he did. SS then pounces on the opportunity to get out of helping by crying. DP was furious that I had told him off and made him cry. DP then proceeds to take SS away and comfort him. My girls then go on strike and say if SS doesn't have to help ever why should we. A fair point. However I said to carry on and if it was finished before SS returned to help, his punishment would be no X box for the rest of today. I explained this to both DP & SS. DP then takes SS side and says to me that I handled it badly as he is upset. All this in front of the children. I feel like he completely undermined me in front of kids and made it clear to SS that a few tears will get him out of any job. TBH I am far more courteous and patient with SS than my own Dds as I feel like I am walking on egg shells with SS. God forbid he should have to do anything for himself or the family. We Had agreed beforehand between us that the kids would do this job tonight. AIBU to feel so undermined. I feel like all the work I have put into having a relationship and establishing boundaries and balance with SS has been undone in one fell swoop. If DP didn't agree with me it should have been done in private surely? I'm also 7 months pregnant and bouncing between being extremely upset to extremely angry.

[sneakyminders]

You didn't need to mind read Eminado, you just needed to read. You sound like a very angry person. I hope you have a relaxing day and manage to chill out.

[Eminado]

Sneaky

"Eminado

Well since you seem like such a calm, reasonable person hmm I'll clarify. "

What kind of person do you think you seem like, Sneaky?

FYI
I respond to posts as they are written. I am not in the business of mind reading, unfortunately.
If you didn't make yourself clear the first time, that is fine, but that doesn't make me unreasonable.

[kittybiscuits]

That is an excellent post sneakyminders

[sneakyminders]

Eminado

Well since you seem like such a calm, reasonable person I'll clarify. What I mean was, that is likely to be what is going on - the father is pandering out of guilt. I'm not saying that is a good thing or that it should be a parenting strategy to pander to a child - because, err, that would be completely shit wouldn't it?

OP is seeing it as a 'let it slide' parenting style whereas actually it's not a parenting style at all, it's his guilt affecting the way he's behaving towards the child.

Not one poster has said 7 year olds shouldn't do chores.

Nor that he shouldn't do chores because he is a step child . What I and others have said is he's very young, chores should be minimal (though of course everyone has their own opinion on that) and that OP seems to be fixated on what he should or shouldn't be doing rather than having a serious conversation with dp about parenting expectations, mutual respect and communication.

*QuiteLikely - well you sound like an absolute charmer too. 'That's what you get for being nice to someone else's child'?? The child is her partner's child. Just be polite and civil to his child from now on and that's all? I'm really really hoping you are not a step parent.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"DP thanks that as he is only with us a few days he should be allowed to enjoy his X box and not have to do anything."
DP needs to understand that this will not mean his son will love him through gratitude for a fun-filled childhood; that instead his son is more likely to feel contempt for his father being such a pushover, and experience difficulty as he gets older if he treats others as he will learn to treat his dad (with self-entitled contempt).

He is a let it slide kind of parent"^
No - he is no sort of a parent at all. He is an abdicating-all-responsibility sort of a parent at best. A Disney Dad.

"We have lived together for 2 years and are expecting number 4 soon."
Has DP always been this compliant to his son's demands, or has it increased since your pregnancy? I ask because I am wondering if, subconsciously at least, now you're pregnant you're 'trapped' and he doesn't feel he has to work as hard to keep you.

[AdrenalineFudge]

I do think this situation is set to escalate especially when you have a newborn and will be running on absolutely minimal sleep. I don't see how you can come to some sort of conclusion or arrangement as it seems to go in circles every time your SS is at yours, tempers frayed for all involved.

[AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou]

So why on earth are you having a baby with someone when you've proved you can't parent effectively together? You're not just not on the same page, you're not even in the same book. Neither of you respect each other as parents, so what do you think will happen when you have a shared child together?

[Triliteral]

When your stepson came back into the room, was it his intention to carry on helping? If it was, then personally I would have ignored the eye-rolling. For me, the important thing would be that he did as he was asked. Had you ignored the eye-roll and rewarded him for completing the task, then next time, he might have done it more willingly.

As it was, your comment about his facial athletics achieved nothing but a negative outcome with nobody happy with the result. If your stepson wanted to wind you up and provoke a row between you and his dad, then he achieved his objective. And if he didn't know how to do that before, he does now.

Sometimes psychologically, I think it can be more important to reward good behaviour and ignore the bad, so long as it is something that does not have a detrimental effect on others. I would place eye-rolling within that class of behaviour. Pick your battles would be my suggestion, given this scenario.

[QuiteLikely5]

This is what happens when you try to be nice to other people's children.

He does not want his son to follow the house rules? Oh no but he wants you to do his sons bloody laundry!

I would not do his laundry, I would not parent him at all, I would not be an unpaid childminder.

I would be polite and civil but that would be it. He is visiting to see his father and that's the only reason.

Try to remember this. Your task is a thankless one.

If your dh had one ounce of sense he would realise that boundaries are exactly what a child needs for all sorts of reasons but instead he's making an issue out of things when all you were trying to do was instill positive boundaries!

You are going to be up against it so instead of that for the next ten years just step right back and let him get off his ass and raise his own child.

[fizzingmum]

Squinkies - I have said something similar on several occasions. He agrees to change and then nothing happens. I need to be firmer clearly.

[sunnyoutside]

This is my fear, if ds dad ever finds a woman silly enough to let him live with her that he won't see the longterm benefits of giving ds chores and responsibilities instead concentrating on making sure that ds sees being with his dad as almost like a holiday so that ds loves and wants to see his dad. It is wrong and will lead to problems later in life.

[IWantToBeAUnicorn]

Sounds like you have a lot of work to do in the next couple of months to both get on the same page.

[SquinkiesRule]

Time for a sit down talk with your Dh without children around.
Ask him do you want this marriage to survive or do you want more weekend kids? Because you will not put up with one rule for one set of kids and one rule for another. Either they all have the same rules or he can do it alone.
I have actually said something similar to my Dh years ago when he was making life difficult. I told him I wasn't prepared to live my life this way and it was a deal breaker.
He isn't doing his ds any favors and it will all come back and bite him in the arse one day.

[fizzingmum]

He will be 7 in a couple of weeks. I made sure he was treated with respect when asked to do the job. And even when I said he had to finish the job it was said in a firm but fair way and in no way any different to how I would ask my girls to do something. There was nothing OTT about my communication with him. SS reaction was exaggerated so that he didn't have to do anything. All he has to do is clear his own plate to the kitchen from dining table (I scrape plates into bin etc, he just needs to put it in the kitchen), make his bed as best he can (I then finish it properly when he has gone to school) and for the first time he has been asked to contribute to house by helping with the washing. He had an equal amount of clothes in there as he had also been on holiday. I agree completely with posters about the X box and it is an issue with me and DP. He thinks that as he doesn't have an X box at his mums house he should be able to play it all the time when he is here, i.e. Making up for the days when he can't play it. That to me is ridiculous. An hour a day maximum and only after all other things are done. If we are going out at the weekend and it isn't something SS wants to do as he would rather play X box, he sulks and ruins anything we do to try and get his own way, which is to be at home playing games.
We got a dog last year after my daughters had been promised one for years (before I even met DP). Finally I am I a. Position to be home enough to have said dog. The condition was that the kids had to pick up poop and walk the dog daily. DP insisted that the dog had to be SS's dog also but he doesn't have to do any of the work. My girls don't see this as fair and another example of him being allowed all the best bits of family life without any of the responsibility or chores. DP isn't dealing with this and doesn't see an issue but I see it as a huge problem. Especially with a baby due very soon. We have been talking about it since before we conceived but it's only words. Nothing changes practically. It's because of SS detachment from the family to play games that we are all finding it difficult to bond as well and as quickly as we would like. SS shows barely any interest in his new sisters arrival. We went for a 4D scan and he pulled his face and just kept asking when he could go home to play. I think he has an addiction that is not only ignored but not seen as a problem.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Read the rest of it Aye

[cronetto]

As an aside, the Usual Poster comment that 'you don't seem to like him very much' shows an enormous lack of understanding and compassion. Love is not a tap you turn on and relationships of this nature need to be nourished. You can't criticise someone for not loving, or for feeling whatever it is they feel as they strive to be and do their best.

Possibly this little boy hasn't yet found his place this part of his family. I would never let child that age (and I have one) play on any computer game, so I'm biased in this regard, but you need to organise a more fun activity with your DDs that he can join in with (and like, maybe, his DAD??). Not putting away clothes. Not as the first thing anyway - I do agree they can do this stuff in principle, but it's about doing the groundwork.

[EightofNine]

I can totally sympathise OP. My Dss is 5 (nearly 6), and is with us every weekend and all school holidays. In my own situation his dad has always been big on table manners, insisting we eat every meal at the table and commenting when - for example - either of my son's eat with their mouth open etc. but his own son has a completely separate diet (only small amounts of very bland food), rarely ever finishes what is on his plate, makes a mess and then is allowed to jump straight up to go and play on his iPad. My two boys and even my 2 year old dd, have been taught to finish what is on their plate, and clean up (as well as they are able to) after themselves.

My partner and I had a row a few weekends ago because Dss chewed up some food, hid it under the table and then denied doing it when I asked him, he also refused to clean it up. My partner made no effort at all to challenge him on it, and of course it was left to me to do the proper clean up.

It's a 'one rule for their child, another rule for yours' situation. Like you I am also pregnant and wonder how things will pan out in the long-term if nothing changes.

[Eminado]

Sneaky

"
Your dp is feeling guilty and wants to pander to him whenever he is with you as he doesn't want to be telling him off or giving him chores. I'd imagine it's more that rather than him being a 'let it slide' parent."

You are JOKING right?!
I mean, you must be.
What you described is complete disaster-style parenting. The DP needs to parent. FFS!

[Eminado]

I am at all these people saying a 6 year old cant help with chores just because he is a step son. What a recipe for disaster for the future.

[AyeAmarok]

Trip

He came back in the room and rolled his eyes and pulled a face. I said to him "you can roll your eyes and pull your face as much as you want but until the job is done there is no X box".

How is that OTT and out of order?

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Aye the ops reactions/comments were ott/out of order. That's where she is wrong

[Chippednailvarnishing]

You don't have a problem with DSS, you have a problem with DP.

[liquidrevolution]

Only a few days with you so he should be allowed to enjoy the x box

Surely he should be getting involved in family activities?

[FinallyHere]

Well, that sounds more like a DH problem than a DSS problem to me.

It will be interesting to hear how you agree to go about parenting your joint children,

[BeautyGoesToBenidorm]

And as PPs have said, kids are MORE than capable of helping at this boy's age. My then 3yo DS1 was actually thrilled to put washing in the machine, or try and mop the floor, bless him. He likes to feel like he's helping, it's lovely.