AIBU to think I shouldn't reimburse joint account with income shortfall after going p/t to look after DD?

[TrixieLox]

For context: my DH and I have a joint account. We also have our own accounts where he adds his overtime money, and I add my freelance income.

I reduced my hours this year after returning from maternity leave, but have been making up the 'loss' of income to the joint account by transferring money from my personal account on a monthly basis. This means that nothing has changed financially for our joint account, but I'm out of pocket in my own personal account. NB. It's not the exact shortfall, it takes into account the nursery fees we're saving. Also NB. I suggested this 'arrangement', DH agreed.

However, none of my friends seem to do this and it's dawning on me, maybe I've been a bit 'over-generous'. Friends just go part-time and the loss is absorbed, belts are tightened. The difference being, I do get extra income with freelancing in the evenings occasionally.

However, sometimes my husband is at home on the days I have off with our child, and he sometimes takes her out, just them two, or we do things as a family together. This is probably every third week. So it's not just me on those days I have with her during the week.

Am I unreasonable to suggest I stop the payment from my personal account to reflect how everyone else I know seems to approach it?

You should both have equal personal money. Ideally you should transfer all money directly into the joint account and each transfer the same out for personal spends. You're a family unit for goodness sake!

If you are losing money compared to him, because you are looking after your joint child, then something hasn't been thought through properly.

Agree - I'm p/t we put in X for the bills and saving and share the rest.

But! I would change this at some point to Bills account - kids account for shoes coats trips etc - then personal accounts -

Just because it adds up now they are nearly teens - worth thinking about

If you are losing money compared to him, because you are looking after your joint child, then something hasn't been thought through properly.

This exactly

Maybe he should be paying your personal account for the child care cost he is personally saving?

Something has definitely gone a bit wrong, if having to take a pay cut to look after your and your DH's DD means that you are steadily losing money while your DH is making no more of a contribution to joint expenses.

It think it's all a bit odd.

Everything in the joint account, each of you gets equal spends to cover what you both agree is personal spending.

You sound like business partners not husband and wife.

Why not share your income? Can't imagine anything else.

Er no. That's not right. You should both have equal money to spend on yourselves over the course of the month (could be £50 or £700 depending on your joint income level but the point is that it be the same for both of you). The rest should be joint money - with a sum paid into a joint current account and possibly a joint savings account as well (if funds allow).

I think all income should go into joint account, all bills paid from it and whatever is left gets split evenly between both of you.

So, let me get this straight - you do the childcare, and then pay for the privilege ? Wow. You really must enjoy doing it

I'm with Tired. All money in, then equal personal spends out. This is the way we would do it if we had enough left over for personal spends. As it stands though, OH's job is to bring money in, mine to stretch it out to cover all it needs to. We both feel we contribute equally, and value each other's contributions immensely.

'However, none of my friends seem to do this and it's dawning on me, maybe I've been a bit 'over-generous'. Friends just go part-time and the loss is absorbed, belts are tightened. The difference being, I do get extra income with freelancing in the evenings occasionally.'

Yep. Keep in mind he gets extra income from OT. Bit that he agreed to this. You two need to talk. This is not on.

You both need equal spending money each month in your own accounts.

Glad my partner doesn't feel the same as a lot of the people on here, lol.

You are facilitating his ability to do the overtime, yes? Where is your compensation?

My dh is working crazy hours and our money is joint.

Share your life, share a home, share parenthood - why the hell can't you share your money?

When I went p/t my contribution to the joint account reduced accordingly. So when DH and I earned the same it was 50/50, but when I first went p/t it was then 70/30, and when I started paying childcare from my account (salary sacrifice) it went 80/20.

DH considers our arrangement to be fair and quite generous on my part

All money in to one pot. You're a team and a family not two flat mates who happen to share a child.

Why on earth did you suggest this in the first place? Sounds v unfair. Shame on your dh for agreeing to it as well

I kind of see why you have your arrangement -

you could work full time and have the child care come out of the joint account, but instead you cut back on your hours and while it lowers the child care bill it cuts down the family money by more. So you taking time off to look after your child is a form of "treat" for you that puts the family account slightly worse off. Hence you make up the amount from your personal spending cache ?

And personal spending cache for you and your DH is dictated by the amount of money either of you can make in your "own" time, either through vertine or freelancing?

If that's the case I sort of see the rationale but I think this ignores the reality of family life a little. For a start, overtime and freelancing now has a childcare cost attached to it (even if it's the other partner doing the childcare, that's still a cost, just not a £s one), so that money shouldn't go to the individual now. The decision for you to work part time instead of full time so you can have more time with your child should be a joint one though and if your DH agreed to it because of the extra cash you agreed to put in then you need to discuss it again with the new arrangement. In the end, the two of you should be a unit that carves out a family life you both feel is fair and worth while. There's no single formula.

When we had kids our finances went from each of us contributing to a joint account to everything going into the joint account and each of us taking out the same amount of spending money. That seems to be the fairest way to do it, particularly as we both work different numbers of hours and each do some of the childcare.

I think that many people put into the joint account in proportion to earnings. ie the person earning more puts in more. I don't see why you should be the one with less personal money just because you were the one who had the baby.

You are a family and no matter who earns what, money should go into the joint account and whatever is left should be divided 40%, 40%, 20% for 3 of you (adjust accordingly for more children).

I hate to say, but women do get a rough ride when they have a baby. I don't recall a single person asking DH if he "feels alright" following the birth of a baby. I don't remember someone telling him that he is not paying attention to his child's needs if he forgets to put a jacket on one of them if it is cold. I do hear "well, he works..... he must be tired...... etc etc..." and I always hear "you're the mum, you gave birth to them, therefore you are ultimately responsible"

If, then, you are expected to put in the same amount of money towards the family's expenses despite earning less (see, I didn't put working less because you are physically working more), that is just as unfair.

Tell your DH straight - happy mum = happy home and at the moment mum is very very unhappy and you want this sorted out.

All money in one pot, all bills and savings from that and you both get equal money for your own personal spends account. You're not a business, you're a family.

It's interesting - I come at this from a different perspective whereby I often earn more than DP (both self employed so it can occasionally vary in the odd month). I really wouldn't like sharing our money equally. We pay an equal contribution to household expenses, but whatever is left over is our personal money. I honestly feel uncomfortable at the thought of everything being shared, despite the fact that I earn more and probably work longer hours. I like the security of my own career and financial stability. I also really like being able to spend my own money on clothes / hair etc without feeling I need to account for it! We don't keep count of who buys dinner or pays for hotels etc, but ultimately I see my salary as my own.

I'm not disagreeing with the advice on here to the OP and I know her situation is different, but just querying whether automatic pooling of resources is always the best (and normal) option.