to this DH is doing this deliberately?

[Shamalamalam]

I struggle with insomnia and this week has been pretty bad, I'm on the verge of either bursting into tears or properly losing my shit so I'm not feeling particularly reasonable right now.

DH is a right pain in the arse at bedtime. He can't just get into bed and, if I'm already asleep he wakes me up every fucking time.

Last night I took myself off for a bath and an early night, I got into bed about 9ish and fell asleep fairly quickly. DH had been watching a film downstairs and came up about midnight.

He came up, to be fair didn't turn the bedroom lights on but did leave the landing light on and the door open so the light is right in my face. Then goes into our ensuite, again leaving the door open so the light is right in my face. Has a wee, flushes the loo, drops his trousers on the tiled floor so his belt clatters, comes into our bedroom and bashes his knee on the end of the bed so it shakes, throws the duvet back, then pretty much flings himself at the bed before fidgeting, leaping around and flapping the duvet about "getting comfortable"

By this time, I'm wide awake, I've had a couple of hours sleep so I've no chance of dropping back off.

This morning we had a row about it. I lost my temper and accused him of doing it deliberately and he's now all offended.

I've asked him about 65 million times to get into bed like a normal person and explained why but he still continues with this performance every night so as far as I'm concerned he's either doing it deliberately to wake me up, or being selfish in the way he "gets comfortable".

Either way, he's being an arsehole.

I don't care what he does if I'm awake, but he knows I'm not the worlds best sleeper so is it that unreasonable to expect him to get into bed quietly and gently when I'm already asleep?

Sorry, I think he's being an arse! My DH used to be a bit like this but I told him (more than once) how it wakes me up. He saw the results - I am tired and seriously grumpy without enough sleep and in the end I challenged that he couldn't get to bed without waking me.
He now uses the other loo instead of the en-suite, turns all the lights off and uses the phone as a torch and doesn't try to talk to me. He still thrashes around a bit getting in to the bed and usually wakes me enough to know he's there but I can get straight back to sleep. It's just being considerate.

Until you said he was just as fidgety on the sofa, I did wonder if he was trying to wake you up, accidentally on purpose, for some rumpy pumpy, perhaps.

This would drive me insane! If I was in your position the things I'd try are:

Getting him to pretend he's you while you do an impression of how he gets ready and into bed. Make sure the light is shining in his eyes, your clothes hit the floor with a clang, you bounce about on the bed etc.

seperate matresses and duvets so when he bounces about and flaps the duvet he's not affecting you.

seperate rooms.

seperate houses.

bury him under the patio and cite sleep deprivation as your defence.

Nabootique that thought has crossed my mind before, but I don't think he's that stupid.

The landing light is a compromise on his previous habit of putting the main ceiling light on. The way our bedroom is laid out means that if he just angled the door slightly, the door blocks the light from shining right in my face, but gives plenty of light in the room so he can see what he's doing without waking me up. Same with the ensuite light. But he leaves them both wide open.

I'll have a look at the 2 mattress beds as that might help some of the issues when he's flapping about in bed

Thanks all!

My H disturbs my sleep every night - he comes to bed later than me but often comes & lies on the bed "for a rest" after I've gone to bed, before going down again to watch TV & then coming to bed after a few more hours minutes & generally clattering & leaping about - drives me berserk. He also speaks to me while I'm asleep & wakes me up "Oh I thought you were awake" - I am now

I want to move to another house into the spare room but he's not keen. I got really cross the night before last & he actually didn't wake me up last night

Omg these selfish fucking men! It makes my blood boil just reading about it!

Pestilential, you don't need his permission to move to the spare room. You should make him sleep there, but if he won't, why can't you?

• Could the bed be repositioned in the room so that light from the hall doesn't fall on your face?

• Could you switch to two single beds so that his throwing himself about cannot affect you? If not, two mattresses and quilts aren't as good but still might help?

• Instead of the landing light, could you have some sort of nightlight in the hall? We have a lamp on a shelf outside the bedrooms, very dim as it is ornamental rather than a 'proper' lamp. It gives me enough light without waking DH. Or could you replace the landing bulb with much lower wattage?

• A bigger job, possibly expensive or just not possible at all - the en-suite, could you adjust the lighting in there at all? Rather than an overhead light could you have a mirror that lights up and all other lighting dimmer? (We have small lights in the skirting boards in the bathroom, they come on with movement detected, so I never put the overhead light on.)

• When you go to bed earlier, could you bring his PJs downstairs then with strict instructions to get changed for bed before he comes up? And scream at him if he doesn't?

I'm also insomniac, but more of a can't-fall-asleep-in-the-first-place rather than can't-get-back-to-sleep type. My sympathies.

Emma - he won't move - I suppose I could but I'm not quite ready to cross that line IYSWIM. Also he'd probably come & disturb me in there as well - he pops in & disturbs our 18yo after he's gone to bed - just an arse really

Wait till he's asleep and do the same thing to him? Petty, me, never!

Pestilential
Put locks on the bedroom doors. Tell your 18yo to lock his door when he goes to bed. And you should do the same (whether you're in the bedroom or the spare room). I'm serious. Your husband's behaviour shows a serious lack of boundaries and respect. You need to put your foot down.

Two duvets is a basic starting point, it's much nicer than trying to share one between two people, however large.

Two mattresses or two beds may be another solution, or even get a sofa bed downstairs so that he can sleep reasonably well down there if necessary.

It doesn't have to be separate beds/sofa every night, just three nights a week would give you enough sleep to be able to face the rest of the nights with him in the bed.

This is a quality of life issue and he's being inconsiderate.

Ear plugs, eye mask and chastity belt. (No consideration no shagging).

If I go to bed before DH, I either leave the bedight light on his side on, or leave the main light on the lowest possible setting on the dimmer switch. Is that a possibility for you, OP?

Do you have another bathroom besides the ensuite? Maybe you can agree with him that if he comes up after you're asleep he will use that bathroom?

That was meant to be bedside light, not bedlight light.