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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to this DH is doing this deliberately?

64 replies

Shamalamalam · 13/05/2016 11:21

I struggle with insomnia and this week has been pretty bad, I'm on the verge of either bursting into tears or properly losing my shit so I'm not feeling particularly reasonable right now.

DH is a right pain in the arse at bedtime. He can't just get into bed and, if I'm already asleep he wakes me up every fucking time.

Last night I took myself off for a bath and an early night, I got into bed about 9ish and fell asleep fairly quickly. DH had been watching a film downstairs and came up about midnight.

He came up, to be fair didn't turn the bedroom lights on but did leave the landing light on and the door open so the light is right in my face. Then goes into our ensuite, again leaving the door open so the light is right in my face. Has a wee, flushes the loo, drops his trousers on the tiled floor so his belt clatters, comes into our bedroom and bashes his knee on the end of the bed so it shakes, throws the duvet back, then pretty much flings himself at the bed before fidgeting, leaping around and flapping the duvet about "getting comfortable"

By this time, I'm wide awake, I've had a couple of hours sleep so I've no chance of dropping back off.

This morning we had a row about it. I lost my temper and accused him of doing it deliberately and he's now all offended.

I've asked him about 65 million times to get into bed like a normal person and explained why but he still continues with this performance every night so as far as I'm concerned he's either doing it deliberately to wake me up, or being selfish in the way he "gets comfortable".

Either way, he's being an arsehole.

I don't care what he does if I'm awake, but he knows I'm not the worlds best sleeper so is it that unreasonable to expect him to get into bed quietly and gently when I'm already asleep?

OP posts:

fatsowhale · 13/05/2016 12:05

I'm the same - bad sleeper with a fidgety husband.

Fortunately we now have 2 DCs and he's as tired as me, so we both go to bed about 9pm each night.

If he's ever late home for whatever reason, I stay up until he gets back as I can't bear the tension of waiting for him to come bouncing in. He doesn't mean to slam things but he can't help it.

Sounds like you need to find a way of getting through to him how disruptive this is for you. Best do it on a day when you feel well-rested or he's just going to feel nagged.

NameChange30 · 13/05/2016 12:05

If he doesn't want to go to bed at the same time as you and doesn't want to be considerate when he goes to bed, he can sleep on the sofa.

OptimisticSix · 13/05/2016 12:15

Argh YANBU but at the same time he probably thinks he is being quiet! It's infuriating, my DH used to do the same and the same as BibbtyBobbityFeckOffs and kiss me,always woke me up. Took me having a bit of a melt down to sort it out. He genuinely thought he was being careful and considerate because none of what he was doing would wake him up and he was trying to creep around. Anyway we bow try to go to bed at similar times or if not we sleep separately. It's much better. I think the problem is there are those who can sleep and those who can't and it's very difficult to explain how bad it gets to a sleeper.

Original poster

Shamalamalam · 13/05/2016 12:15

To be honest, it's not the noise so much that bothers me, although he could use the family bathroom

It's the faffing when he gets into bed - he really does fling himself down into the bed, drags the duvet right back uncovering me. When he turns over he doesn't just roll over, he'll kind of sit up, twist his body, then fling himself back down, kicks his legs up so he can tuck his side of the duvet under his feet, turns his pillows over, jerks and fidgets himself about - it shakes our whole bed. I don't think anyone could sleep through that rigmarole.

When I get in, I lift the duvet enough to slide in

If he just closed the doors a tiny bit, it would block the light from shining right in my face, he could use the family bathroom which is the other side of the house, put his trousers on our carpeted bedroom floor.

If it was just the light, or the bang of his belt I probably wouldn't wake enough to be properly awake. It's the pratting about when he gets in to bed that really finishes me off

OP posts:

gandalf456 · 13/05/2016 12:17

Yes, the fidgeting would drive me mad. My DH does that through the night.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 13/05/2016 12:19

He may not literally be doing it deliberately, but he isn't really listening to what you are telling him (at best) which is as inconsiderate in my opinion (but allows the inconsiderate person to float around oblivious thinking they are a lovely person)

Sleep loss is the shittest of shit. Tell him sofa if he's going to do all that. I feel the most horrific rage on your behalf. You know (but he refuses to know, although you are trying to tell him), as he is doing it, that what he is doing is consigning you to a truly miserable day the next day. And he is doing it anyway. It's really crap.

KamMum · 13/05/2016 12:26

I think maybe he doesn't realise what he's doing. Print off a factsheet on insomnia from the Web and give it to him to read. Hopefully this sorts him out - if he continues after, then yes he's doing it on purpose.

Seeyounearertime · 13/05/2016 12:28

YANBU

My GF goes to bed early, not because of insomnia though but because she ahs to be up for work.
she goes up at 10pm, i stay up as i never sleep much.
when i do go up my routine is:
TV off, front door locked, back door locked, wee and clean teeth in downstairs toilet, unplug intercom, remove trousers, tshirt, fold, leave on sofa, turn downstairs light off, creep upstairs with no lights on, enter the bedroom with no light on, carefully plug intercom into the wall socket that is next to the bedside clock, carefully slip into bed, lie still until i'm asleep.

not once have i woken my GF, i'd be mortified if i did.

brightnearly · 13/05/2016 12:33

YANBU

Even if he "goes to bed like a normal person", it's inconsiderate not to take your needs into account!

DoreenLethal · 13/05/2016 12:34

can he:
Keep his jamas in the other bathroom, use that and get undressed before coming to bed
You close the bedroom door and then he comes up, turns the hall light off, creeps in and slips into bed quietly.

NameChange30 · 13/05/2016 12:36

The more you post, OP, the more I want to punch him on your behalf.

I think he needs banishing to the sofa for a while so he gets the point. But in the longer term, maybe you could have separate beds in the same room? So at least he couldn't wake you up with his extreme fidgeting and duvet stealing.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2016 12:38

Two choices - he sleeps somewhere else or all the time you're awake, he's awake, so he can see what it's like.

He can get ready for bed in the family bathroom not the en-suite and he creeps into the room (no lights) and gently gets into bed.

Or the above.

ChaseAvenal · 13/05/2016 12:39

DP used to do similarly in our last flat, He genuinely had no idea he was being inconsiderate, he got a little better after we talked about it but still not perfect, unfortunately going to bed together is the only thing that works for us really. I do think your DH was just being selfish/thoughtless but when it's happening it always feels like they're being malicious! On the other hand if you keep discussing it and he still continues I probably would be suspicious.

This has reminded me of ex's horrible retort of "You don't have insomnia, you're just a 'picky sleeper'" whatever the fuck that means.

deepdarkwood · 13/05/2016 12:42

When dh or I have to get up early/go to bed late, we change downstairs and wash/clean in family bathroom rather than the ensuite. And that;s without insomnia!

I suspect this is accidental - why would he want to wake up someone with insomnia unless he's an arse - but just a lack of thought and self-awareness. Doesn't make it any less annoying, but i can see that he would feel aggrieved that you are accusing him of doing it deliberately. I'd loose that bit, and focus on what would make things easier.

Could he not take everything he needs when you go to bed, so that all he needs to do when he comes up is get into bed? I know you're saying it's his gallumphing about in bed that is the worst bit, but maybe if you weren't already unsettled that might help? I think separate duvets (standard in scandavia) might also help - and put a less bright bulb into the bathroom/hall landings to minimise glare?

BibbtyBobbityFeckOff · 13/05/2016 12:48

picky sleeper

My goodness! What a douche. Insomnia is like mental torture. I've had it since I was a young child and it's just bloody horrid to try and be a functional human on barely any sleep without cracking up.

NameChange30 · 13/05/2016 12:48

He IS doing it deliberately. He may claim that he's not trying to wake her up, but he knows that his actions wake her up, and he's choosing to continue acting in that way, so it's deliberate.

The first few times it happens, you can put it down to just being careless and not realising the effect it has. But once someone has pointed out how much it bothers them, continuing to do it is downright inconsiderate, rude and, yes, deliberate.

ppeatfruit · 13/05/2016 12:57

fassone Ooh where do get those earplugs from ? They sound just the thing for me. !

LeaLeander · 13/05/2016 12:57

What an ass.

Are you in a one-bedroom dwelling? IF so I would at least change to two single beds or make him sleep on sofa. Non-negotiable.

If there is a children's room I would sleep in there or make him, whatever is easier for you. Get an inflatable bed.

No WAY would I continue to share a sleeping area with such a boor.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/05/2016 13:03

DH does this to the point that I jokingly passive aggressively tell him it's a good job he's not a spy or a burgular as he'd be crap at it with the sheer amount of noise he makes when he comes to bed.

Oh and the violent rolling over in bed thing I call the 'death roll' - it's what alligators (or crocodiles?) do when they kill their prey, apart from DH does it with the quilt.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 13/05/2016 13:06

Also 'Picky sleeper'

Chase how on earth did you let such a peach of a man slip between your fingers!?

ChaseAvenal · 13/05/2016 13:18

BibbtyBobbityFeckOff thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter I know, sounds lovely doesn't he? I know his reasoning was that we had a friend who had it worse than me, not sleeping for days on end. Nonetheless, I helped him through some pretty serious episodes of depression, I wonder how he'd feel if I said "Oh, you're not suicidal, you're just a little upset!"

keely79 · 13/05/2016 13:21

Could you get one of those beds with two mattresses - and perhaps two single duvets? That way at least you wouldn't feel him getting into bed so much or have your covers taken away.

Plus would you be able to get to sleep with a small side light on? If so, that would give him some light to see by so he can get to bed without introducing "new" light when he comes in which will wake you up.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 13/05/2016 13:22

Sympathies OP. I'm generally the 2nd in bed. I use the torch on my mobile so that I don't put any lights on and gently shut the en-suite door so that I'm quiet in there. We have to go through a walk in wardrobe cupboard to get to the en-suite so it's 2 doors away the same as the bathroom and the way it's positioned it's in a less noisy position.

Then I use my torch to read by.

DH isn't too bad if I'm sleeping but got a bollocking for waking me at half 6 on a Sunday morning (when I hadn't gone to bed until near 2am and he was aware that I have been struggling with sleep) to ask what time one of the DSs needed picked up at - it was not until 4pm and he had his mobile beside him that he could have checked the email. Apparently despite the emails coming to a shared email address, I am supposed to won them all and memorise everyone's itinery....but that's another issue...

He is a really loud nose blower which drives me mental. Some mornings I'll lie in bed for a bit before getting up but he still has to do a loud performance with his nose before leaving the house - presumably to ensure I'm awake . I have an alarm clock.

Babymouse · 13/05/2016 13:32

I don't understand why he isn't willing to meet you halfway. My husband and I had some differences in our sleep patterns, but he has been willing to make most of the changes I've suggested (still can't get him to sleep elsewhere if he's up past two!)

What's worked for us is he puts on pajamas outside our room, we have two separate king sized duvets, and he gets everything sorted for bed before he comes into the room. He rarely wakes me up now.

OutToGetYou · 13/05/2016 13:36

Dp can be pretty disruptive, he makes the bed feel like a boat!

But we do go to bed at the same time so it's not a big deal.

When I have to get up early I put my clothes in the spare room and creep out and get dressed and do my hair in there. Not that he has ever asked me to, I just think it's the right thing to do, even though he does sleep like the dead.

If I do go to bed before him though I leave his light on so he can see. Can you get a dim bedside lamp for his side of the bed that you could leave on? That and him using the other bathroom would be a start.

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