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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DN talks to me like rubbish at what stage do I say enough?

34 replies

crankyblob · 10/05/2016 20:10

18 year old DN has a very entitled attitude. If i say something she disagrees with she speaks to me like crap.

I am very close to my DSis and have helped her a lot over the years as she is a single parent. As a result I was always close to her children and there has never been an argument.

DN is my sisters second child and for the last few years she has been consistently rude to me. I have spoken to my sister about this who brushes it off. DN does not seem to do it to anyone else.

I am getting really upset about this and upset with my sister that she brushes it off.

DN was again really rude to me yesterday. I was chatting with my sister and DM in the kitchen and DSis was asking advice. I gave a very Brief response but suggested DSis try an approach she had already dismissed. (I was in no way saying she must do this) then I stood by and ate biscuits while my mother gave her advice which happened to agree somewhat with me. This advice was not life changing and had no bearing on her children. In fact I would have thought no more of it after the conversation ended.

I then went through to the living room and DN really went for me over the conversation. She told me that I should butt out of my DSis business and if I was round just to push her into doing something she clearly did not want to do then I should leave. DSis and DM were both taken aback but said nothing. Even when She stormed off they said nothing. I made my excuses and left. I haven't spoken to any of them since.

I feel really upset about it all. If it was a one off I would put it down to DN having a bad day but it happens often. I have asked my sister if I have done anything wrong and she always insists That I haven't.

It is DN's birthday next week and there will be a big family gathering as usual. I really do not feel like I want to go and I want to say something to my sister but it will cause an argument.

When Dn was 15 and doing it I took the approach of being the adult and taking the high road. Now i just feel like saying you know what? You are clearly an adult and I have had enough! The fallout would be huge!

how do I handle this?

OP posts:

LupoLounger · 10/05/2016 20:18

YANBU.

My two cents: I'd not go to the birthday party. That'll get the message across to DSis & DN soon enough.

Like you say, she's an adult now. Do you go to the parties of people you don't like or who have recently aggrieved you? You're under no obligation to do so. It's a little passive aggressive, sure, but maybe it will make it clear you're upset without causing the feared fallout.

You've been made to feel uncomfortable by a young adult. Let her learn there are consequences. You can circle back afterwards (no need to hold life long grudge) to say her behaviour is hurting your feelings, and that you're not some sort of robot, just because you're older. I cant see a lot of good coming from you attending with the current atmos though, if I've read the situation right?

brassbrass · 10/05/2016 20:20

You shouldn't have to handle it really if her mum were stepping up but she isn't. Equally you can't remain a punchbag for your DN either.

Maybe just be honest with your sister and say how upset you are at regularly being spoken to like this and if there is a problem someone should be honest about why she is being so hostile or if not should have a word with her because it isn't acceptable.

QuiteLikely5 · 10/05/2016 20:23

Do not tolerate this attitude towards you.

The fallout would be huge? So your ds would fall out with you if you responded to her daughter in the same way as she responds to you?

That's not right or fair.

Stand up for yourself and at the very least your Dn should start to show you some basic respect

Velojackr · 10/05/2016 20:24

As you say, DN is an adult, so can you speak to her about her behaviour, rather than speak to her Mum?

Perhaps you've inadvertently done something to offend her and she might not feel she can speak up about it, so she's being a bitch to get back at you. Asking her outright would give her a chance to bring it up?

If she admits you've done nothin wrong, she needs to explain to you why she's behaving like this and needs to hear that her behaviour is causing you genuine distress.

RandomMess · 10/05/2016 20:25

I would speak to your DSIS and basically say in a very calm way that DN clearly has an issue with you and you are very hurt by her behaviour so you are going to stay away for a while as she clearly doesn't like you being around.

MadamDeathstare · 10/05/2016 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peggyundercrackers · 10/05/2016 20:38

When she challenged you why did you say nothing? Just tell her straight that she shouldn't speak to you like that, that she is rude. No doubt she is itching to tell you why she doesn't like you but has been warned not to.

Willow2016 · 10/05/2016 20:40

As pp have said if it was someone you didnt like outside the family you wouldnt go. So why should you go and fawn over someone who is rude and disrepectful to you just because she is your neice?

She is an adult and has to learn the consequences of her behaviour and that should mean no present, no attending party. Damm sure I wouldnt go to be talked at like I am dirt on their shoe then give them a present!

Maybe she is jealous that her mum turns to you for advice and not her? Maybe sister should have a chat with her and get to the bottom of it, her child her responsibility, otherwise she will feel that its acceptable and it will just continue?

And tbh if sister doesnt then I would be more upset about her not doing anything to support you after all the support and help you have given her. I would take a big step back and let them get on with it themselves for a while.

ohtheholidays · 10/05/2016 20:40

Just don't go to the party.I had this with a great niece,not to my face but over facebook and she is old enough to know better.So I took her off facebook and I haven't bothered with her since.

My Nephew,her Dad knows what she said and he's backed me up he knows I haven't done anything wrong and what she said was unforgivable.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/05/2016 20:46

Life is to short for this type of rubbish.

Take a time out, and see how you feel. If you decide not to go to party and they get shirty with you then you know where the DN gets it from, if they ask why and try to understand your POV, then you can go on from there.

Original poster

crankyblob · 10/05/2016 20:56

Thank you for your advice.

Peggy at first I sort of made a joke thinking I could turn it around but it didn't work and then I said nothing. my DSIS would not have me talk down to her children in her house. It would cause a massive row there and then. I didn't feel calm enough to say what I needed to in a calm and measured response. Plus I was holding the tears back.

I don't think I will go to the party.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 10/05/2016 21:00

DSIS would not have me talk down to her children in her house. It would cause a massive row there and then.

But it's fine for her daughter to talk to you like you're dirt on her shoe?

There's your problem, right there.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/05/2016 21:03

What's the dynamic between you and your sister? It sounds like you're a bit frightened of her and certainly frightened of the 'fallout' if you stand up to her.

But she's the one causing the problem here, by not pulling her daughter up for being rude to you. Were you her punchbag before you were her daughter's punchbag? Because right now your niece is learning how to bully from her mother, and you're the practice target.

Waltermittythesequel · 10/05/2016 21:04

I wonder has your sister been using you as the hard line for your niece?

"Your aunt thinks you should.../your aunt thinks you shouldn't..."

Willow2016 · 10/05/2016 21:08

If my kids got cheeky to anyone they would be told sharpish to apologise and stop acting like brats!

I think there is more to the story but anyone who lets their child direspect their own sister really isnt a good sister at all. If you are too scared to stand up for yourself for whatever reason then step back and let them sort out their own lives without your support any more. If thats how she treats someone who has supported her and her family for years then I wouldnt want anything to do with her, no wonder her daughter is so horrid to you, her mum is telling her that its ok to do it.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 10/05/2016 21:11

At what stage do you say 'enough'?
As soon as you stop finding her rudeness entertaining and it starts distressing you.
Which appears to have happened years ago. if she treated others like this, do you think they'd tolerate it? You aren't a doormat, and you deserve to be treated with respect by everyone you encounter.
I doubt you'll do it, but you need to be polite and civil and tell her that you won't be spoken to like that. Your sister is allowing her to treat you like shit. You are scared of it becoming a row, so your niece gets to say whatever she likes and you accept it?
Why? It's upsetting you, and allowing her to become a swaggering bully is not good for her either. Why does your sister not challenge her when she talks to you like rubbish?

brassbrass · 10/05/2016 21:12

what willow said - it's especially bad if you've been providing her support

Original poster

crankyblob · 10/05/2016 21:23

Dh has just said that the reason she did not challenge dn was because I was giving advice that she didn't want to hear!

OP posts:

brassbrass · 10/05/2016 21:25

so what? she could man up and tell you herself she isn't interested. why set the DN on you? what kind of a person does that?

araiba · 10/05/2016 21:27

She told me that I should butt out of my DSis business and if I was round just to push her into doing something she clearly did not want to do then I should leave

is she right?

you think you were helping your sister but dn only sees you as being a bossy, interfering know it all that bullies her mum? all a matter of perspectives

dont go to the party

brassbrass · 10/05/2016 21:29

surely if you were bossy you'd be able to stand up to an 18 yr old?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/05/2016 21:37

There's no excuse for her rudeness but given what she said ie suggesting that you were trying to push her mother into something, is it possible she feels that you are over involved in their lives? Not saying you are but you say you've helped a lot over the years and I wonder if maybe you've over stepped without realising?

The fact neither sis nor your DM spoke up in your defence kind of suggests they didn't disagree with her. I think I'd be taking a bit of a step back.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/05/2016 21:42

DSIS would not have me talk down to her children in her house. It would cause a massive row there and then.

agree with OTheHugeManatee with is where your issue is.

peggyundercrackers · 10/05/2016 21:52

DSIS would not have me talk down to her children in her house. It would cause a massive row there and then

And? Sorry but I think any row is worth preserving your own self worth. It does sound like your dsis and her dd are close and possibly look at you as if you are an outsider to them. Maybe put some space between you and your sister and don't give her advice as much.

Original poster

crankyblob · 10/05/2016 22:00

Possibly yes to be seen to be overstepping the mark!

I am very close with dsis, talk an hour on the phone every day. I have always been there for dsis as she is a single mum. She does not drive and so the dc grew up with me collecting them and dsis and going out. I have also paid for most of the birthdays and Christmas but to my knowledge dc's do not know this.
So yes j would say I am heavily invested BUT I have my own life and Dc. I support my sister if she needs it but I have no actual opinion on how she should live her life. In fact i would say she has done a fab job even though life has thrown her quite a lot of lemons.

I guess I am overprotective of my sister and dn could be challenging this? Maybe she is upset that dsis waited till I went round to ask advice!

Every member of my family would hold the firm belief that I am the adult in the aunt/niece relationship and I will never be right if I stand my ground! DM was shocked but does not do confrontation. If I say something i will be seen as creating! I know as it happened before. It is possibly my personality in that I am very straight and will say how I feel whereas everyone else will bitch to each other or sit and stew (this is the reason why people do come to me for advice, they will get a straight answer Although they might not like what they hear) So I have learned the hard way to just keep my mouth shut.

OP posts:

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