To think that leisure activities are an opt out of real life?

[ArriettyMatilda]

For example I spend a lot of time reading and part of that is escapism. I read even when I know I could be tidying up or cleaning (not sure I count that as real life either though). I play with dd a few times a day but wonder if we should be cooking/baking and she should be helping me with keeping the house clean (but of course play is a child's work too). I suppose I just feel like I am just passing time.

I don't have any particular hobbies. I have a few lego sets, but really feel like I should be saving my money for real bricks and mortar. I kind of get sports as at least you are usually spending time with people and it's exercise but I don't make time for this in my life. I also understand knitting/crafting as you are creating something but I'd get too frustrated with that kind of thing. It doesn't help that my partner and I mainly enjoy eating together and don't have any shared hobbies. We only spend an hour or so together each evening and don't seem to do anything in that time. Sundays are the only day we have as a family so we do spend time going for walks, visiting family and watching films usually.

Aibu to think that an adult at play is opting out of real life? Things like colouring books, watching TV, reading fiction, playing video games etc. I am not saying we should not do these things but to me it feels that I am disengaging with real life and I should be spending more time pursuing more fruitful interests.

If you are passing the time and not finding anything stimulating do you think you could be a bit depressed? It also sounds like you think you might benefit from something else in your life, but can't pin down what it is, as the hobbys that have sprung to mind don't interest you on face value. It doesn't have to be a hobby it could be volunteering for something or a job or socialising?

I don't mean this as criticism, but you sound very aimless and bored with your life, OP. Have you considered doing some voluntary work in your community or learning a new skill? Both are great ways of helping you to find purpose.

I consider my play time a public service as it means I am less likely to lose my shit with stupid people.

This X 100!

There's a lot of food for thought here I will try to answer any questions.

I don't necessarily feel that work is real life either. I work one day a week and it does help life feel more purposeful as I love the job and the place where I work. I am a sahm for the rest of the week, and I do love playing with my dd and we spend most mornings outside the house at different groups or seeing friends.

All the activities are worthwhile in their own way (even those I've mentioned), to me though I feel that I am putting off real life. I can see from the pp that most people don't feel the same. I think some pp have hit the nail on the head, I must either be lazy or depressed as I can't be bothered to do the mundane cleaning and so perhaps feel guilty doing things for pleasure. As a sahm time I have free reign of when I do things and really struggle to bother to do the mundane. That's why I think I spend too much time opting out and too much time on leisure activities. I feel I have a low locus of control living in a rented flat, I can't garden and I can't decorate, put things on the wall or even fix a tap as it goes against my lease. So all I can do in the flat to change my environment is clean and tidy. Posting on here is me reaching out to people anonymously about topics I wouldn't necessarily know how to approach with people offline.

With regards to what is actually real life, I feel more alive with family and friends and being outside, certainly not earning money or housework. I can see how I left that impression.

I would really struggle to volunteer or learn or work at this stage in my dds life. She'll be starting preschool soon but up until then I feel I should be her primary carer. I hope people don't think I ignore her, we do play together, spend lots of time outside and even at two she does cook with me most evenings. I agree I need something more to help me get on with the mundane, as despite my post I spend a lot of time in play mode.

Who decides what is real life anyway? I am now getting paid to do the things I did as leisure activities to keep myself from going insane when looking after small children. Their early childhood passes quickly and your life will change as your dd grows older. But in the meantime it won't hurt to start planning your new life. Where would you like to be in 10 years time?

You could apply that to everything.

Why cook a nice meal? Why not just boil some meet and veg everyday? Meet your minimum nutritional requirements.

Because it's nice.

I don't get what you think real life is OP. Everyday we are doing things that we are obliged to do or to pass the time.

I play with the kids because I am their parent, it passes time and keeps them entertained and stops them moaning and because I enjoy it.

I feed the kids because I like to make nice meals but also have a legal obligation to provide food for them.

I am a kick boxer. I compete. I love it. I love being fast and strong and being able to do mid air spinning kicks. I love to see what my body can do and what I can teach it to do. I love that it's made me strong enough I can still pick up my 5 year old ds and walk around with him. I love that I was crap and stiff and now I am half decent and flexible. I love that I have trained my body to do something it couldn't do a year ago. I spend most of my time doing things that I have to. I work, have kids and have a home. Taking time out to do something I enjoy, is real life to me.

I don't even know now what I meant by real life, just that certain things that I do feel like an opt out. I can see it is important to do those things for myself and for others, but perhaps I don't have the right balance in my life. If I worked full time I'd probably want more leisure time, but as I am mainly a sahm the leisure time is never ending. Obviously with a toddler in tow it is more limited in other ways.

Fucking hell!! What a depressing OP!

Hmm. Actually I think OP is depressed. Finding everything meaningless is one of the symptoms. I would suggest a word with your GP, Arrietty.

From a different POV, when you start in a Counselling qualification, your taught to examine were you (and your 'client') are getting their 'shoulds' and 'oughts' from.

Sometimes life, as a SAHM, or in the Workplace, isn't what you envisioned, at all.

You expected to feel more fulfilled, happier etc.

You've got to identify, for yourself, what you want and expect from your life, so you're creating your 'Real Life'. Sometimes it's got to go on hold, to do the 'mundane', or until circumstances change.

My life, as such, is on hold, because of ill health, in two months time, things will be different.

I do lots of Adult Education/Fun courses. In one, we wrote down questions for ourselves, to be posted in one years time. I'd forgotten about it, until it arrived, it was really interesting and spurred me to lose five stone last year.

OP, I don't know if you feel like your just passing time, but it sounds as though finding something that would 'spark joy' in you, might help? Or a bit of personal goal setting, even if it included the mundane?

I kind of get it.

I'm an introvert, and any spare time I read, play on my phone, mn. I don't really engage with rl.

Sometimes I think I'm wasting my life sitting doing these things, as o/p says it's escapism, getting out of my own head. I should be doing "fun" stuff, getting a social hobby, going out to dinner, parties, playing sports, going on weekend breaks. Rather than wasting another 2 hours trying to get to the next level of candy crush.

It is what I like to do though, and helps me recharge, calm, and stop thinking for little while. I should probably get more balance though and find stuff I actually want to do, but that's difficult when you have family commitments.

Is it that you can't 'nest'? As you mentioned being in rented accommodation. If it is, I know exactly what you mean. You don't own it, so you don't particularly want to spend time keeping it nice then this makes you feel guilty because you 'should'. But you're doing things that make you actually happy instead, and therefore more guilt occurs. I like what Birds says about where your 'shoulds' come from, I think that's quite important to examine.

I think you still have choices and options. You can employ a cleaner, finances allowing. You can decide on a level of cleanliness you're prepared to achieve on a weekly or daily basis. You could challenge yourself to complete mundane tasks before going on to leisure activities. You could, as there's nothing really stopping you, live in filth if you so chose (and didn't damage the flat). It's a case of giving yourself the freedom to enjoy your life as far as possible.

My DS is nearly 11mo. If I didn't have Sunday afternoons to myself to craft in, I think I'd've gone nuts by now. It's so important to my mental health to have time to myself, to create or switch off in.

Gosh that so sad OP!

Read this www.ellenbailey.com/poems/ellen_218.htm

Have you talked to your DP? Doesn't sound very supportive if you only see him for an hour each evening and Sunday's? Is he pulling his weight with chores and child care so you could do different things?

Kittykatmacbill that poem rings true. I certainly don't want to spend all my time on housework, but somehow it all seems to build up and then I feel overwhelmed. AuntDotsie I agree there are parts I do have control over. Finances won't allow for a cleaner as we really are trying to save to buy a flat and actually I'd rather spend the money on doing things together as a family if there is anything spare. I don't want to live in filth but it seems such an effort to keep things clean and tidy. I know that it is my responsibility to keep it hygienic for dd but I can choose how often I do clean. Sometimes though I'd rather not have so much control as it means I choose to not bother.

Micah I feel the same. Its like I exhaust all my energy going out in the morning, seeing people, doing lunch/breakfast and getting dd to sleep. Once she's asleep I just want to relax.

Birdsgottafly I will try goal setting. I am trying to have a daily jobs list (wash up, load of washing, dry up, tidy toys) so that these things get done each day. I also have a weekly one where I am trying to set what to do on each day of the week, for example Tuesday may be toddler group, hoover, sort bills, Wednesday may be food shopping, library, clean bathroom. Otherwise I just don't do it until it's starting to get gross. I feel like I should do it more often because I like to invite people over and I feel I can't if the loo smells or if there's crumbs on the floor. Also I don't enjoy the atmosphere of home so much, so I escape even more into my books or online.

I am actually glad no one particularly agreed with me. It's showed me something needs changing in my life to redress the balance between mundane and fun stuff. I'd love to do some courses and may soon be doing some kind of qualification through work so that may help.

When you're a SAHM with the bulk of the week to do things, then it's easy to put off the boring stuff like cleaning until 'later' or 'tomorrow' because there's no time pressure.

I think you sound bored and frustrated.

X post, I hadn't refreshed.

Personally I spend much more time reading than cleaning / tidying. I think that's a good thing!

If work isn't real life and doing things you enjoy aren't real life, what IS "real life"?

I don't know if you have depression, but until you figure out what 'real life' is to you, you won't resolve these feelings.

It sounds like you feel you are living someone else's life as though none of its real

I think perhaps real life was the wrong term. I think I meant opting out of doing important/necessary or fulfilling activities. I do occasionally feel slightly detached when out but that is more to do with being at toddler groups and there being a large level of noise and negotiations going on.

I don't think it matters does it in the grand scheme of things.

My dad died quite young and the one thing it made me realise is that life is bloody short and that you should (within reason) spend a good proportion of time doing things you enjoy and that makes you happy. Whether that's more worthy sport/exercise or watching TV or reading books.

I make sure that the house is clean, clothes are washed, tea is cooked. I could spend more time making my house look like a show home and having it immaculate but I think that would be wasting my life.

But fulfilling isn't set in stone.

If you enjoy reading, then do it. I love reading and never consider it time wasted.

If you like sport, do it. It's not wasting time. I find sport very fulfilling.

If you enjoy relaxing and watching TV, do that.

If you are ignoring all the jobs you should be doing like parenting or going to work. Fair enough. But other than that how you spend your spare time is a personal thing.

I get where you're coming from. There's nothing wrong with escapism but often people do use it as a means of avoiding and neglect other aspects of their life, so it seems like a bad thing when really it's a symptom. I think it's probably a sign that you are missing something.

Re housework, what helps me is thinking about it differently. You're not doing it because you have to, you're doing it because you want a home you can enjoy and because you want to feel comfortable that you've achieved your goals for the day and enjoy your leisure time instead of stressing about it. Work out what the minimum for that is and do that.

Also try doing the reverse - set a specific time slot for fun time and stick to it. Do whatever you want in that time. The more you do that, the less you'll feel like other stuff is encroaching on what you really want to be doing.

I really like what the last three pp have said. I need to do what makes me happy and I need to do whatever I consider needs to be done. In all honesty I do seem to lose my spark every month just before my period, which is possibly why I sound depressed to some posters.