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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contact with dd

42 replies

Amy214 · 08/05/2016 16:41

For the past 5 days ive had a constant 'texting war' with dds gran (dds dad) about contact. I dont talk to dds dad as it always turns into an argument and i want to avoid that if possible. Dds dad isnt very consistent with his visits and often goes months without seeing her, 5 days ago i asked his mum why he wasnt keen on seeing dd and her response was hes fed up with you because he has supervised visits (i have told him numerous times prove to me you can be here every week for 1-2 months, same day, time, place etc.. And i will trust him to have dd on his own) he often disappears for months so it goes back to the start all the time. Hes never had dd overnight as we haven't gotten that far as he has never gained my trust. Am i being unreasonable? I have said to them that if they cant agree with doing things slowly for dd then i cant see them ever having dd overnight or for a full day, they expect dd to be ok and are telling me to force her into going away from me (something thats never happened before especially overnight) they told me unless i agree with basically abandoning my daughter they will not be seeing her. I also said that was fine and i will not be changing my mind. Am i in the wrong? I feel terrible now as dd wont see her dad again because everyone is being stubborn

OP posts:
Schoolisback1973 · 08/05/2016 16:48

It all depends? How old is your DD? Does she not know her dad? What is your history with him? why can't you two communicate? I understand consistency but why be so strict? Why does it have to be same place, same time everytime?

Micah · 08/05/2016 16:53

I thought supervised visits were only necessary if you were worried about the child's safety in his care?

If he's no risk to your dd, you're being vu makng him jump through all these hoops to "gain your trust". It's not about you and your opinion of him, it's about his relationship with his dd.

springydaffs · 08/05/2016 16:57

What is it with MN lately - no-one seems to RTFT. Op has explained in detail why DD is, indeed, at risk with her dad. Supervised access is awarded by the court, so they must think there's good reason.

Lunar1 · 08/05/2016 17:01

You are basically asking for 8weeks of consistency, if they can't manage that then I wouldn't agree to unsupervised contact either. I'm guessing she is on the younger side from your post?

OurBlanche · 08/05/2016 17:06

springy OP does not mention court at all, just that she does not trust him and so does not allow... it isn't too bad not to be sure if it is court ordered or not!

OP: Is the supervised access court ordered? Or are they right and you are the one restricting access?

It will make a big difference to the advice you get - not necessarily negatively - if you give just a little bit more detail.

springydaffs · 08/05/2016 17:08

I didn't know supervised access was anything other than court ordered. HOw does that work if it isn't?

Original poster
Amy214 · 08/05/2016 17:18

I dont speak to him as he has threatened me before whilst i was pregnant with dd. So i try and avoid conflict if possible. Dds dad has previously taken drugs (cocaine) still does and also used to deal them. He was stabbed earlier on the year because he was in someones face being very aggressive amd the person felt threatened. My lawyer was the one who advised supervised contact as dd doesnt know who he is. She also recommended visits twice a week but he rarely shows up. I havent been back to my lawyer as i dont want to put the ball on his court im waiting for him to start proceedings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amy214 · 08/05/2016 17:19

Forgot to add shes 2 years old and its been like this since she was born (on and off contact) he refused to sign the birth certificate

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 08/05/2016 17:22

Sounds good!

Did you post about the lawyers advice very recently? It sounds familiar and most pps thought it was good advice in that thread too! If it wasn't you then at least now you know that what you were advised is normal/good for such a shit situation.

Don't feel bad. If he is that bad your DD will be far better off without him in her life.

Good luck xx

EveOnline2016 · 08/05/2016 17:28

Op I would drop the supervised visits altogether and visits all together.

If he wants to be part of your daughters life then he has to earn the right.

UmbongoUnchained · 08/05/2016 17:30

I top my ex he can only ha e supervised visits and he hasn't seen my little one for over a year now!

UmbongoUnchained · 08/05/2016 17:30

Told*

Original poster
Amy214 · 08/05/2016 17:32

Ourblanche im not sure maybe it was and ive just forgotten?

Eveonline2016 i did say to her that if she couldnt agree with me then she wasnt to bother to contacting me. I asked for a bit of respect as her mother as i know whats best.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 08/05/2016 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Antanddec123 · 08/05/2016 17:40

YANBU in the slightest. Sounds like you have bent over backwards and he is incapable of behaving like a mature sensible adult.

Original poster
Amy214 · 08/05/2016 17:50

MadamDeathstare hes had his driving license revoked due to recieving too many points (speeding mostly) when he did have a license he used to drive whilst under the influence i dont think hes ever been caught though

OP posts:
Schoolisback1973 · 08/05/2016 17:51

I totally get where you are coming from. He is in no way ready or mature enough to be a father. I agree with Evelyn.Cut him off.. for now.
Stay strong. Your dd's grand parents should be a positive influence and support in your life.. if they can't be, don't bother.. its double the battle.
You seem to be the very best for your dd so don't beat yourself up..

Original poster
Amy214 · 08/05/2016 17:51

I also dont want to try going to court myself incase they go his way, im going to leave it as long as possible or leave him to do it

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 08/05/2016 17:53

Don't fret you're doing the right thing

Original poster
Amy214 · 08/05/2016 17:55

Schoolisback1973 i think his mum is immature for her age (38) shes very jealous that we still live with my parents (dd adores them) but i cant help that as we cant afford to move out at the moment

OP posts:
RubbleBubble00 · 08/05/2016 18:41

Is there any reason the gran can't have contact if the dad is flakey?

Pisssssedofff · 08/05/2016 18:45

Do not go down that road op. My friends ex Inlaws had regular contact without the son, next she knew they had her in court and they now have court ordered every other weekend. She has to travel 100 miles round trip. They get every other Christmas too. Dad is still nowhere to be seen.

Original poster
Amy214 · 08/05/2016 19:51

Pisssssedofff i thought grandparents have no rights? Im planning on not going to a lawyer until he does (if he even bothers) i dont want to get the ball rolling

Rubblebubble00 i dont really trust her gran either shes 2 faced. She will be nice to me in front of my parents but then abuse me through text/phonecall. My parents couldnt believe it was the same person, they are as bad as each other.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 08/05/2016 19:56

Well these certainly got them, hence you need to be careful. The child spent overnight with the grandparents for a number of years and that was enough for the court. They got lucky though my friend ran out of money to fight them, they would have got nothing if she'd held her ground

ollieplimsoles · 08/05/2016 19:59

So his mum is throwing her toys out of her pram because her son is a scumbag who threatens pregnant women and doesn't get to have his dd alone. He's lucky to get the contact his does imo.

Its got nothing to do with her op, I wouldn't let her see dd anyway so she's done you a favour

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