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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Contact with dd

42 replies

Amy214 · 08/05/2016 16:41

For the past 5 days ive had a constant 'texting war' with dds gran (dds dad) about contact. I dont talk to dds dad as it always turns into an argument and i want to avoid that if possible. Dds dad isnt very consistent with his visits and often goes months without seeing her, 5 days ago i asked his mum why he wasnt keen on seeing dd and her response was hes fed up with you because he has supervised visits (i have told him numerous times prove to me you can be here every week for 1-2 months, same day, time, place etc.. And i will trust him to have dd on his own) he often disappears for months so it goes back to the start all the time. Hes never had dd overnight as we haven't gotten that far as he has never gained my trust. Am i being unreasonable? I have said to them that if they cant agree with doing things slowly for dd then i cant see them ever having dd overnight or for a full day, they expect dd to be ok and are telling me to force her into going away from me (something thats never happened before especially overnight) they told me unless i agree with basically abandoning my daughter they will not be seeing her. I also said that was fine and i will not be changing my mind. Am i in the wrong? I feel terrible now as dd wont see her dad again because everyone is being stubborn

OP posts:

Original poster

Amy214 · 08/05/2016 20:16

ollieplimsoles shes upset because she doesnt get her overnight (i never stayed at my grans so i cant understand the obsession) i think shes extremely jealous because we live with my parents so dd is obviously closer to them, dd gets confused and thinks we share the same dad (calls him daddy even if we correct her) hes the only solid father figure shes ever had

OP posts:

starry0ne · 08/05/2016 20:41

Does MIL supervise contact?

My MIL used to supervise contact with my DS... I thought she would have her grandsons interests at heart... She wasn't able to put my toddler son before her adult son.. Contact was also very infrequent.

We had the infrequent contact...At 2 years old it is really tough on them because they need the structure and regularity so much..

My Ex went into pysch hospital and the message I got caused me alarm.I reached the point where I wanted him to care enough to fight for his son rather than me try and facilitate it.. I spoke to sols and he said the longer the absence in contact the better.

My Ex took me to mediation and was shocked I had a list of every cancelled contact and the reason why.. Do make sure you document how often contact does and doesn't happen.

Let them also do all the chasing..I knew my ex would never keep up contact and after I fought to get him to stand up for his son ( never did) I decided if he was going to leave our son sooner rather than later was better for my Ds..

ollieplimsoles · 08/05/2016 20:46

starry thats awful

I never understood this 'overnight' obsession either op, of course she doesn't 'get her' she doesn't know her!

It sounds like she has absolutely no respect for you, the mother, and is only thinking of herself and her precious son.

Original poster

Amy214 · 08/05/2016 21:08

Ollie I understand why shes protecting her son i would do the same for my daughter but to a certain extent i certaintly wouldnt fund her lifestyle (only if she was struggling) it did seem like it was all about what she wants, she keeps comparing my situation to her own with her sons dad but that never worked out and her son hasnt seen his dad in years

Starry its either me or my dad that supervise or both of us, ive suggested mediation as we are never going to get past this issue that we all have but they have refused because 'they dont believe in it' and dont want to discuss anything with a stranger, ive fought hard enough to get him to be interested in his daughter. I did document a lot of the visits before but as the visits dropped off i stopped taking as much notes. I have kept a lot of texts. I dont text/call them im rubbish with getting back to texts. I just hope they dont take me to court

OP posts:

joangray38 · 08/05/2016 21:17

Grandparents can apply for access but they have to go through a long procedure

ollieplimsoles · 08/05/2016 21:20

Grandparents can apply for access but they have to go through a long procedure

And thankfully it is almost never successful.

She wont get anywhere with it if she does try that.

Original poster

Amy214 · 08/05/2016 21:24

Thankfully shes never had unsupervised visits or overnights.

OP posts:

Pisssssedofff · 08/05/2016 21:40

Keep it that wAy

Schoolisback1973 · 08/05/2016 21:40

They sounds very stressful. They should direct their attention onto their son and get him to do the right thing by his dd.
His mum shouldn't be jealous but happy your parents are there for you and their grand daughter.. I am glad.You need support.
Let them initiate the court proceedings if they have it in them. They are being very unreasonable.

Crispbutty · 08/05/2016 21:47

Grandparents only usually get contact rights if they have previously had a lot of input into the childs life, the child knows them, and it would be unfair on the child to deprive them of grandparents that they already have a relationship with. This certainly isnt the case here so I cant see them getting anywhere with a court.

Original poster

Amy214 · 08/05/2016 21:57

It is very stressful (as if being a mum wasnt stressful enough) i do appreciate my parents they helped a lot with night feeds and still help if dds been up all night (letting me have an extra hour in bed
I feel that dd is uncomfortable around them because they constantly try and smother her with cuddles and kisses, i dont even get a kiss or cuddle only when shes been touching something she shouldnt and is trying to get in my good books before i find out
Hopefully they've now realised that im not going to give in and change my mind

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/05/2016 22:56

So stop chasing, stop asking, and stop doing anything at all other than taking his calls if he wishes to arange something

Original poster

Amy214 · 09/05/2016 07:55

Hes not the one that gets in contact, its his mum. I dont like speaking to him as he always argues. I told her that unless she respects my wishes i wont be getting in contact.

OP posts:

starry0ne · 09/05/2016 10:47

What I would do is any texts that talk about how unfair, moving on etc...simply ignore...

Then wait for them to want to make arrangements for contact.

OurBlanche · 09/05/2016 11:27

So don't get in contact. Let her initiate all contact and only reply if she is polite and asks specifically about contact - as in a date and time, not just mithering blather.

Anything else should be ignored.

starry0ne · 09/05/2016 13:06

Sorry my message makes no sense what soever...

What I meant was if they text you about contact...If they are commenting about how unfair it is on them, them , demanding more access simply ignore them. If she phones and or keeps texting..Reply this has previously been discussed.

Original poster

Amy214 · 09/05/2016 14:27

Ok this is all good advice thank you! I'll definitely be ignoring all texts apart from the ones asking about contact and if she keeps pestering me i will tell her im not willing to discuss this as it has previously been discussed

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