AIBU to be so upset that people have noticed how I struggle

[mylittlearmy]

I have a six month old dd and five older children.

I have always struggled to stick to things . So I work for dh (luckily) but the last 5 years for example it has gone like this.

I get bored and depressed being a sahm go through a phase of depression.

Then I decide that I am going to do something else, I arrange to go to work at the office , apply for courses do voluntary work.

Then I decide that i am too depressed and overwhelmed to do that and so suddenly become a sahm again, and decide that I'm going to be a traditional housewife, grow veg or whatever.

Repeat pattern to infinity.

I know it sounds like a ridiculous situation but it's actually pretty upsetting. I go through phases of being so incredibly depressed and then phases where I just can't face not doing anything. It's stressful.

For an example my last two Dds (so child 5 and 6 ) were both a result of me suddenly deciding i wanted a baby during one of these sahm phases.

I started antidepressants after dd6 was born as I finally got up the nerve to tell my doctor I was feeling really depressed.

The first lot (sertraline) has no effect other to make self harm etc WORSE.

Changed to fluoxetine which has helped but I realise this morning you know what I have suddenly decided to go back to work. Hired a nanny and the house is sparkling because I feel so amazingly on top of everything.

It's the same bloody pattern isn't it?

It came to a head for me a few days ago when I hard MIL comment about me going back to work " we will see how long this lasts then hahah"

And she's right I now think that everyone must think I am ridiculous. I start at work, I start courses, I start volunteer work. But I never finish.

I am so embarrassed that people have noticed and I feel really upset at MIL for joking about it.

AIBU to be upset I can't even bring myself to talk to her atm (although I am not arguing with her just making excuses not to go round).

My dh has bipolar and your pattern sounds familiar. He is a very creative and hardworking person like you l would say and when he is a little bit up he can do loads. But then he overdoes it and just like that he decides to stop. And when he wants to stop he has to stop right then. He is full of ideas and l can image if he was a woman he would be thinking let's have another baby and then would want to move on to something else. He was nearly 50 when diagnosed and now is on mood stabilisers so no new ideas usually. Before diagnosis my family would laugh and say what's he up to now. As soon as he was diagnosed they are so helpful. Tell your GP everything.

Op you really need to learn to relax and listen to your body. Pneumonia is awful! I couldn't take fluoxetine either it made me very jumpy and I took it to relax my muscles and it gave me the opposite effect. Good luck with seeing your go on Tuesday. I really think you need to being all of this up. It is relevant. They cannot begin to hope to diagnose you or know where to refer you if you withhold information. Good luck.

I haven't read many of the replies, but what you said in your OP resonated with me. Since having my children I haven't been able to settle with anything. I used to be in child care for 20 years, then after my second child (my qualification was no longer recognised in Australia) So couldn't work. I tried several things and after a couple of years and half completed courses, I have enrolled on something I really want, not something I thought I would do in a million years, but loving it. Spend some time thinking about you, not children, finances etc cos in the end none of those matter if you don't really love what you are doing.

Nickname - no dh has had a vasectomy now

Have you considered Adhd or ADD your mil was insensitive but she has noticed behaviour you really are all over the place which honestly isnt a bad thing it doesnt matter if you dont finish courses or whatever but its upsetting you maybe chat with your Gp

I am a Dr (not a psychiatrist)- please go to your GP and tell them ALL of your symptoms. It strikes me that there are a number of potential diagnoses here, but your GP needs all the information in order to decide what to do next.

It sounds like your GP (and HV) are aware things aren't great for you and this is why the GP wants to see you weekly. They are busy people and wouldn't make weekly appointments without good reason. So, please let them do their job and tell them everything about this cycle of depression, then feeling driven and taking on lots of projects etc leading to you becoming overwhelmed and then becoming depressed again. They can help you get the support and treatment you need to be on a more even keel.

Like others have said, others who are close to you (or have a lot of contact, even if not emotionally close to you) will have noticed. Don't worry about it, it's really not the end of the world. Your MIL's thoughtless comment wasn't the nicest thing, but may well turn out to be the catalyst for you seeking to get help.

My friend has BP and she said that it's so hard to diagnose because people never go to the doctors in a manic phase as they feel great (even though people around them can tell it's not really "them") and so the doctor will only ever see the depression and medicate accordingly.

You sound incredibly self aware and I agree you need to see the doc again and explain this to them.

OP - You could print out this thread (first couple of pages), and ask your doctor to read it if you can't write it all down and can't talk to him/her.

mylittlearmy it sounds like your GP is primed and ready to listen to you. Some of the suggestions on hear sound really useful. Write down about the periods of low mood moving to periods of unrealistic (?) over activity. And the fact you've noticed this goes in a cycle is really interesting. I'm guessing that if the GP hears this the words bipolar will crop up but even if it is said that is not definite label. Some referral routes lead to psychiatry and medications (and a stickier label) other routes - going to a psychologist as someone else mentioned - lead to more curiosity about what triggers the cycles in your life (less medical and less labels hopefully). If you do get referred on just remember you are the one in control and if an approach doesn't feel right, say so and ask to change.
Whatever happens please keep your appointment because it sounds like your GP does want to help.

Jacks - they are aware things are bad - I know the health visitor had contacted the gp after coming a few weeks ago to say that they were worried about things and that's partially why I just decided to be "ok" all of a sudden I think.

I will go on Tuesday and try to explain things a bit better