AIBU to be so upset that people have noticed how I struggle

[mylittlearmy]

I have a six month old dd and five older children.

I have always struggled to stick to things . So I work for dh (luckily) but the last 5 years for example it has gone like this.

I get bored and depressed being a sahm go through a phase of depression.

Then I decide that I am going to do something else, I arrange to go to work at the office , apply for courses do voluntary work.

Then I decide that i am too depressed and overwhelmed to do that and so suddenly become a sahm again, and decide that I'm going to be a traditional housewife, grow veg or whatever.

Repeat pattern to infinity.

I know it sounds like a ridiculous situation but it's actually pretty upsetting. I go through phases of being so incredibly depressed and then phases where I just can't face not doing anything. It's stressful.

For an example my last two Dds (so child 5 and 6 ) were both a result of me suddenly deciding i wanted a baby during one of these sahm phases.

I started antidepressants after dd6 was born as I finally got up the nerve to tell my doctor I was feeling really depressed.

The first lot (sertraline) has no effect other to make self harm etc WORSE.

Changed to fluoxetine which has helped but I realise this morning you know what I have suddenly decided to go back to work. Hired a nanny and the house is sparkling because I feel so amazingly on top of everything.

It's the same bloody pattern isn't it?

It came to a head for me a few days ago when I hard MIL comment about me going back to work " we will see how long this lasts then hahah"

And she's right I now think that everyone must think I am ridiculous. I start at work, I start courses, I start volunteer work. But I never finish.

I am so embarrassed that people have noticed and I feel really upset at MIL for joking about it.

AIBU to be upset I can't even bring myself to talk to her atm (although I am not arguing with her just making excuses not to go round).

Why not take this post with you next time you go to go or even better just write it all down and just hand it to her saying you struggle to find the words when you get there. And don't be worried about sounding silly, you should be proud you are doing something positive to change it. I hope you get the help you need, nothing worse than feeling depressed and not knowing how to help yourself xx

I'm not sure that the number of days I work makes any difference - I am only doing three days a week at the moment but the other days I just fill with other things. If I don't I end up in a state ,self harming and just totally crazy!

The health visitor came last week and said she feels like the antidepressants have made things go too quickly the other way (I didn't say anything but it must have been obvious from being here) so I don't know if I just need to stop taking those

I've just started ADs too and noticed my sleep is awful. Maybe too much stimulation for you too? I wonder if they can be taken every other day if the dose can't be reduced?
My GP mentioned people using them for PMT and not taking daily. Don't know....

This is a whole different ball game. Self harming? No don't stop the pills go to your gp now, please and discuss this. You may need different pills, you will need a lot of help.

It does not necessarily have to be the usual cycle of being up and down.
As this 'up' coincided with your new anti-depressants it could be that they have kicked in and you're not so down and am finding it easier to cope.
Maybe give it another few weeks and if you are still on an 'up' and coping with everything consider work then?

I've just had a Google if fluoxetine side effects. Nervousness and anxiety are typical. Definitely get back to your GP or a different GP and have a good talk. All the best!!!

Sounds like depression is at the root of it all. Depression is terrible . So important to get meds right, I'm no expert so I'll let other more knowledgeable posters help you with that.

It also sounds to me like every time you thought 'right I'm going to throw myself into being a barefoot, cake-baking SAHM' you thought you should have another baby to underline that choice and make it more valid and unchangeable iyswim. Then that made it harder still having a bigger family when you became depressed, bored and overwhelmed. Have you or your dh taken steps to make sure there will be no more children? I just worry that if you find yourself in that phase again you might start to believe you want another baby.

Listen people do have opinions, they do discuss each other's choices and lifestyle, judge even. That's life. Concentrate on getting yourself well. Re your MIL's comment, a lot of people just don't understand depression. She's probably baffled and fed up of your chopping and changing, though you'd hope she would be more supportive. So ignore her as best you can.

Please don't take this the wrong way (I'm not a doctor or mental health professional so not qualified to diagnose) but have you ever considered the possibility that you are bipolar?

This was my first thought too. OP

You don't sound excessively manic so it could easily not be bipolar. CBT helps people get a balance of actives when you feel depressed rather than repeating the boom/bust cycle forever, which is a really common thing to do when one is depressed. You're burning yourself out right now OP, why not see if you can access CBT? www.iapt.nhs.uk/

Yes, I thought bipolar as well when you described how you're either really, really down and can't do a thing or up and kind of manic in your desire and ability to zoom through heaps of stuff. One of my DBs is bipolar and he's just the same - you either don't hear from him for two months because he's so down he can't cope with anything, or he's on FB every day detailing all the stuff he's been doing and he's rushing around like someone possessed.

Please go back to your doctor and say you'd like to see a specialist to get to the bottom of your condition and do also consider different therapies. My DB found CBT helpful and he also finds plenty of physical exercise helps. Of course, he's a single guy so he has time for all that - whereas with six DC I'm amazed you find time to do anything at all except care for them.

As for your MIL - perhaps her throwaway comment is the kick you need to get the right sort of help. What she said wasn't especially kind, but you say yourself that you can't stick to anything and the truth hurts. There is a reason why though - so try and get to the bottom of it. Good luck.

All of your posts made me think Bipolar straight away OP,I have worked with people with bipolar in the past you really do need to speak to your GP or your HV for yours and your familys sake.

If you don't feel like you can tell them what you've said here you can write it down and ask your GP or HV which ever one you feel more comfortable with to read it.

If it is Bipolar there is so much more support and understanding out there now than there ever has been before.I hope you reach out for some help and tell someone.

But of course people have noticed, OP! Did you think your alterations in behaviour/ your whole boom-bust cycle were an entirely private affair, invisible to everyone you come into contact with? You clearly have a serious problem, and it's been exacerbated by the fact that you haven't been able to be honest with your GP and have thus possibly been prescribed entirely unsuitable medication. For your own sake, and for your children's, go and in whatever way makes it possible for you to do so (writing it down in advance, bringing a supportive friend?) tell your GP exactly what is going on, including the self-harm.

Please don't take this the wrong way (I'm not a doctor or mental health professional so not qualified to diagnose) but have you ever considered the possibility that you are bipolar? This is what DP thought about me...as the children get older and we stop having babies this seems less likely. I really really struggle when they are babies...then they get a bit bigger and I start to return to myself again, I start to cope very well and then we decided to have another on the basis that the number that we have is totally manageable (and because we always wanted a large family and the 'goal driven' part of me we wants to push on with what we want).

After 9 months of pregnancy and the hard work of the newborn bit I usually have the urge to return to work when they are about 9 months old, each time this simply hasn't been an option for various reasons so I've had to ride it out. I think being able to see the pattern has helped (we are definitely not having any more DC's).

I think getting up at 6 and being on the go all day can be fairly normal with a large family but I have had to learn to stop now and again, stop feeling like I need to justify my existence by running myself into the ground (I have always had a paid job, being a SAHP was not my original plan) and most importantly of all stop giving a shit what other people think of me. We are all different and our coping mechanisms are all different.

My first thought was bi polar too. Again, not a MH professional and not into internet diagnosis but I do have a very close friend who has it.

She is on medication now and for the most part ok.

She once told me it took a while to get assessed properly because she kept telling GP she felt depressed compared to her previous ability to do loads. Therefore her ups to her became a normal way and her downs seemed like excessive depression iyswim?

Cycle - I already started back at work. Last week. I decided the week before and just organized instantly .

I know that when I first saw the gp about depression she asked if I ever have periods where I behave dangerously or drink or take drugs

I don't - I don't drink at all I have never taken drugs and while my behaviour isn't always rational and can be a bit it's not dangerous . So I obviously said no - I had assumed this was to check for bipolar which is why I haven't considered my problems to be a medical/doctor issue.

I haven't deliberately lied its just I find it very hard to think which parts of how I feel /my behaviour are a problem and which are normal.

So for example a ew years ago I went through a phase of thinking that my neck would be damaged if I moved it too fast . Looking back that is crazy BUT at the time I would never have mentioned it to he doctor because why would I? I thought it was normal!

I don't think I have any issues like that at the moment by tbh at the back of my mind is do I!? I have no idea!

My gp does know about the self harm already it's nothing major but it is obvious to anyone who has cause to see my arms etc which gps seem to on a regular basis!

Your behaviour sounds very much like my friend with bipolar. She is much better now she's ion a mood stabiliser- I would ask to be assessed.

Another one thinking bipolar. I suffer from depression, but my brother is bipolar, and gets in a very similar pattern. The important thing for him is his lithium levels. If they are not balanced, he goes haywire. It does mean blood tests, and getting the levels right, and keeping on with the blood tests, and not stopping taking your meds because you feel great. The doctor will take it seriously. I also advocate counselling, my mindset is slowly changing about myself and I am coping a lot better because of it.

You need to get back to the GP and explain what's wrong. It sounds like you go and answer yes/no questions but just aren't giving the picture of what's wrong. Write it down if you need to.

Haven't read whole thread (yes 2 pages!) but wanted to suggest (as I think it's too common and not many people realise they can have this) have you had your thyroid levels tested?

For years I had terrible mood swings, depression and terrible lethargy (think wading through mud scale), I was also quite indecisive and struggled to stick to things but of course re work I had to work and I actually strangely enough prefer to actually go to work so that wasn't a problem.

Anyway about 3 years ago discovered I have an underactive thyroid, now on medication for it and though it can take fiddling with medication and blood tests (no not quite used to those yet!) I'm virtually there with what works for me. Quelle surprise I'm also very low on iron so have been upping my intake of that too.

The reason why I mention my thyroid is because for years I did have depression etc but I now think this was made worse by the thyroid problem being untreated.

I'm amazed you cope with 5 DC (that deserves a medal in itself!) but like another poster said if you really do want to progress with something maybe therapy like cognitive behavioural therapy (which changes patterns in the way you do things) would help, that helped me too. It seems to me as if you need a bit of hand holding with it, nanny etc is great and practical help but you need emotional and mental health support with it, or else you'll rely on ADs (sometimes they're needed) or slip back into old patterns.

Good luck, am rooting for you!

Another one thinking bipolar. I am bipolar myself and your behaviour reminds me a lot of me, pre-diagnosis.

You MUST go back to your GP tomorrow. As an emergency if necessary. Taking ADs when you are bipolar is a bad thing. You must describe everything, feelings, patterns of behaviour, absolutely everything. They will listen to you. Good luck OP

As a few other people have said, it really does sound like bipolar rather than depression. Please go back to your doctor and tell him about your mood changes. It most definitely is and 'doctor thing'.

I do have a doctors appointment already on Tuesday she booked last week when I was there. I was thinking about cancelling but I could just keep that.

I have come to lie down to try and stop myself doing too much today - I was up at 6 and I have already been racing around for hours, i do feel really out of control today so I am trying really hard to step back!

The last time I was like this I ended up collapsing and being in hospital for a week with pneumonia I had tried to ignore it and carry on running around which obviously didn't do me much good

Apart from anything else, it is only natural for most people to assume that you will struggle if you have 6 children. Do you plan to have any more?