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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset?

28 replies

danieladarling · 08/05/2016 00:15

My beautiful goddaughter has passed away. GD was so lovely. Her mum is refusing to see me. She's one of my best friends. I just want to help her. My best friend's mum is saying that she doesn't want to see me because I still have DD2 and GD is gone. AIBU to feel hurt? I know I probably am but I just want to help her.
For GD, our darling.

[Post edited by MNHQ to removed names]

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 08/05/2016 00:17

Of course you are not u to be upset. But she has a right to grieve in peace. Sorry for your loss

Gide · 08/05/2016 00:18

I'm so sorry :( Let her mum have some space. I can't imagine how she feels, but maybe she just needs space. Don't push it.

GinaBambino · 08/05/2016 00:23

I am so sorry for the loss if your god daughter. YNBU to be upset but please think of how her mother must feel in this. She's just lost her daughter and is going through so much grief and probably not thinking rationally, also if your DD is the same age as GD, she'll probably be hurt by the fact you'll get to see DD grow up and do everything that GD won't. Give her some space and time for her to grieve privately, I hope she'll come round eventually but there is not much you can do at the minute.
Massive hugs and Flowers to you at this awful time

BackforGood · 08/05/2016 00:28

AIBU is hardly the place to post about this.
If you want support / advice / sympathy / hugs / acknowledgement of your grief, you might be better asking MNHQ to move this to Bereavement.

cocochanel21 · 08/05/2016 00:28

I've been in your friends situation and it's so hard.
My dd1 died 7mths ago.
Sometimes it's even hard to look at my niece's who are the same age.
Grief affects everyone differently.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

PaulAnkaTheDog · 08/05/2016 00:34

This isn't the place for this. It's probably also not appropriate to name the child. I'm truly sorry for how you're feeling but a mother's grief shouldn't be questioned. Perhaps get this thread moved and ask to have the name redacted?

UptownFunk00 · 08/05/2016 00:37

I'm sorry for your loss but I don't think it's your place to post the little girls name.

Original poster
danieladarling · 08/05/2016 00:40

I don't want it to go on bereavement as I am asking a question and I want GD's memory to live on.

OP posts:
Original poster
danieladarling · 08/05/2016 00:42

Her mother doesn't have mumsnet either and has asked that all family members or friends release a death announcement on social media.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 08/05/2016 00:44

With all due respect, the girl's memory is not going to live on because you named her on a forum. It will live on with her parent's choices to honour and remember her. I understand that you're upset but it's not your child to name on the internet.

Yanbu to feel hurt but equally your friend isn't unreasonable to not see you. She's grieving.

UptownFunk00 · 08/05/2016 00:45

OK well time can make things better.

You've tried to communicate but she's not ready yet.

Give it a few months and the feelings won't be as raw (but clearly just as heartbreaking).

It's perfectly understandable how she feels, though.

cocochanel21 · 08/05/2016 00:45

I know your upset op BUT

If someone had posted about my dd when she died and named her I would have been furious and hurt.

VimFuego101 · 08/05/2016 00:47

I think you need to respect her wishes; it's understandable that she can't face anyone right now, she's probably beside herself. Just sent her a text or email saying you'll be there for her if she needs anything or wants to talk.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/05/2016 00:47

It's not about you OP. Have some empathy.

Original poster
danieladarling · 08/05/2016 00:55

I understand that it is her beautiful girl that has died and I should stop being so selfish. But my heart breaks to know I can't support her through this time.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 08/05/2016 00:56

Her mother doesn't have mumsnet either and has asked that all family members or friends release a death announcement on social media.

OP this makes me think that it's a very recent bereavement. If I'm correct you need to back away and allow the mother and her family to grieve, it's still fresh.

cocochanel21 · 08/05/2016 01:00

Right now your friend probably doesn't know what she wants.

You just need to go along with whatever she wants right now.

When my DD died I stayed in my bed for weeks and didn't want to see anyone even family.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 08/05/2016 01:00

OP is your wanting to support the mother your way of trying to cope with your grief? Wanting someone to connect with? If so, it's understandable but you have to realise that she can't grieve with you right now. She needs her own time to start to comprehend losing her daughter.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 08/05/2016 01:01

But my heart breaks to know I can't support her through this time.

Not nearly as much as hers is breaking. If you care for her, let her do what she has to do.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 08/05/2016 01:02

cocochanel I'm truly sorry for your loss Flowers

Curlyblow · 08/05/2016 01:10

You can support her...by accepting her wishes.
If you are the friend you want to be, you'll say I understand, I'm sorry for your loss, I'll be here when you need me, and respectfully await such a time. The time will come when she feels that she can face you and if you'll only make it harder for her to turn to you at that point if you say anything at all now about you being upset. You are not U to be upset but would be totally U to say anything whatsoever to your friend about it.

Just do what she needs you to do, and stay away until she wants you and get this thread deleted from bloody mumsnet

VioletVaccine · 08/05/2016 01:13

A Mother's child has died, and you've named the child here on a post, because your "Heart breaks"? YABU.

You're "feeling hurt" at the way a bereaved Mum's grieving doesn't involve you? YABVVVVVVU.

If you want to be a good friend you can, respect this Mother's wishes.

It is not about you.

Haudyerwheesht · 08/05/2016 01:14

Please ask for her name to be removed - especially with middle name. It's not fair on your friend that she is having her grieving process posted about on a forum.

I'm very sorry for your loss but this is inappropriate and I think you should just take stock and remember however bad you're feeling is nothing in comparison. Let her be.

emotionsecho · 08/05/2016 01:25

As others have said support your friend by doing exactly what she has asked of you.

Also, I really do think you should either ask for this whole thread to be deleted or at the very least have the name of the little girl removed.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 08/05/2016 01:27

Her mum may well Google her name, and then this will come up.

You need to get the name taken off asap.

When my children died I was selfish at times, unreasonable at times, pushed some people away, got over attached to others.... you need to leave her be to find her way through this, and you need to find your way too.

Sorry for your friends loss and that you are suffering too, but it's really not about you and your wants. Respect your friends wishes.

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