To think a 9 year old shouldn't be raging and sobbing over this

[thinkingmakesitso]

Over being asked to entertain himself for a bit, that is.

I feel we are stuck in some awful ways and I am starting to dread the weekends I have the dc as ds1 just seems so bloody miserable all the time. I have banned the Wii for this weekend as I am sick of him being obsessed with it since his dad got him a Fifa game - he has been getting up at 5.30 to put it on . Today he got up at 6am and watched tv. I was up at 7am, tv off about 8.30.

We went shoe shopping, during which he was pleasant company. We came back and I made lunch while he and ds2 played (not together - they hardly ever do). I moved the lawn and he helped a bit. Then his mood just dropped and he started moping - I started to be aware of him having a face on like it is the worst day of his life. I was pretty tired when I finished mowing and he was moping and complaining he has nothing to do, he can't make up his mind what to do. He was starting to sob/shriek at this point.

Unfortunately I snapped at him that I don't expect to have to rush in from a pretty arduous task straight into a game of cricket or something. By now he was full on wailing. He then stomped off to his bedroom 'to read' - as if that was the worst thing in the world, when in fact he loves reading, but only ever seems to want to do it in bed .

I fully planned to play with him (and ds2) this afternoon, but I just wanted half an hour first, which should surely be feasible with a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old. Also, when he starts moping it just irritates me so much and seems to sap the energy from me, rather than motivating me to make suggestions of things to do. He becomes very negative, and it is a bit of a vicious circle.

Reading this back, it occurs to me that he must be tired, but I can't seem to stop him getting up ridiculously early. He goes to bed at 8 but often reads for an hour or more. I have tried enforcing lights off, but he can't sleep and the same is true in the mornings. I feel like we are doomed to have shit weekends, which makes me feel awful, especially as I only have them every other weekend (60% custody) and I think the fact that they are mainly on screens at their dads may be an issue, but there is not much I can do about that.

In years past children had more freedom and could mostly go outside and play without parental supervision with their siblings or friends. Parents didn't see their children unless they were hungry. Nowadays they are basically supervised 24/7 and confined to their homes or in their gardens. Reading was often for relaxing after playing, not for filling in a large part of the day. It's no wonder they are so obsessed with their screens and get upset when they have a whole day looming ahead of them and nothing interesting to do. It's all very well telling them they have to amuse themselves when they are restricted to being stuck at home all day.

dancing your comment was bang out of order. And if you think that parents should be pandering to their child's every need, want and desire all day every day then you are wrong. That's how we will end up with a generation of entitled young adults who don't understand why they aren't actually the centre of the universe.

Op, I have a 10 year old DD who also gets 'bored'. She has a room full of stuff, is more than likely on the ASD spectrum and she finds it hard to play unless it's structured.

We are very lucky we live in a cul-de-sac which has several other young kids and today has been brilliant. They have all been out on bikes and scooters, been building dens in front gardens, exploring and just being outside.

Next time your dc are home for the weekend (and it's nice weather) suggest they build a den in the garden (or living room?) and then they can prepare a picnic lunch for themselves. Both activities would take a while and the point is that they do it on their own, not with your involvement.

Other suggestions are building a bug house in the garden, giving him a patch of garden to plant veg or herbs in (which he can look after) which shouldn't lead to the frustrations he's experiencing while playing with some toys.

In years past children had more freedom and could mostly go outside and play without parental supervision with their siblings or friends. Parents didn't see their children unless they were hungry. Nowadays they are basically supervised 24/7 and confined to their homes or in their gardens.

That sounds like the kind of thing my childless 60 year old line manager would say. She hasn't got a clue what children do nowadays and my guess is that you don't have much idea either. 9 year olds are not usually supervised 24/7 and many play outside with their friends rather than being "stuck at home all day"

Kids have always got "bored" though... I'm over 40 and vividly remember my father chanting "only boring people get bored" at me every day

My parents got cross with me for dpending entire dsys curled up reading when I "should" have been out playing with my sister (because she was bored and they thought I should therefore play with her).

My kids play out unsupervised, all the kids in our village do.

I don't think it's a new problem, it's only new to talk about it - like sleeping through and eating well parents used to think anything not going perfectly was a reflection on them and not discuss it much.

Screen time does sap initiative if it takes over, but to some degree kids have always been thus.

As long as you can cope with them bring bored and not leap to provide activity they strop for a bit then go off and occupy themselves - DS1 can play imaginary football leagues where all the players are marbles for hours on a rainy day --after he's got over his misery that his friends don't want to play football in a downpour/ have gone to their grandmas or whatever).

Ime my kids regressed during/after the divorce. The chopping and changing between houses really unsettled them, too.

Do you have 1:1 time with him ever? It's good to factor it in, like a 'date'. I appreciate it's not easy to manage if you're a lone parent (I was, too) - but grab the chance when Eg the other is off on a playdate/other activity. A regular 'date' (set time/day) is good.

Failing that, read him/them a book. Sit down on the sofa and read a book that suits them both. Just for 15 mins. Flag it up big time before, let him choose the book. Also, timetable his time, constantly flagging up what's next.

Ime my kids really needed me at this time. A 9yo boy is not necessarily going to be able to either identify that or admit to it.

Reading? From age 6 I could spend any amount of time sitting and reading a book. (My parents also read a lot.)

I would allow him time on the wii if he's going to enjoy it you can just give him an hour. Will give you some peace and he'll be happy. I don't know why you'd ban him from it altogether?

My two are much happier knowing that on days we are at home, if they behave well they have set times they can play on screen games at the weekend- an hour in the morning plus another hour after lunch (these are really for my convenience as I can get things done/have a quiet coffee after lunch) Any quibbling leads to reducing time allowed next time.

Vaara I never said that the OP should be 'entertaining' her DCs every minute of the day and I would suggest that she does have someone to take them off her hands if the DC's dad has them 40% of the time.

And you a teacher - calling strangers on the internet names like that for giving a different viewpoint? Tsk Tsk. Hope you don't teach my children.

I was merely looking at this from the DS's perspective. I have 3 of them and if any one of them were 'sobbing, shreiking and wailing' at 9 years old because I couldn't play with them immediately, and adding in the DS's negativity that the OP describes, I would be thinking about what's going on for them at deeper level if I were in the OP's situation.

My profuse apologies OP for doing that, as of course, children are resilient and would not be affected by the living set up that the OP describes. It must be hormones/tiredness.

If you don't have them all the time, can you prioritise spending time with them over tasks? Perhaps undertake household tasks when they aren't with you?

I thought research has now established that it is far better for children to be bored sometimes, than to have people jumping in to entertain them at all times.

OP, you are doing your children a favour by doing things like lawn mowing and then having a half hour break before diving in to amusing them again, and allowing them to entertain themselves in the meantime. He sounds like he's suffering a bit of withdrawal, so it will get better.

He does sound tired.

Re getting up early: is the rule re FIFA that it goes off at 8:30 regardless of what time he gets up? It sounds like it is and he knows the TV will be switched off shortly after you get up so is getting up super early to maximise his time on it.

Rather than making it only FIFA until 8:30am, could you change the rule so that it is only 3 hours of FIFA, but at any point during the day? This might kill two birds with one stone by stopping him getting up early and getting overtired, and also giving him an hour or so to play FIFA during his mid-afternoon slump when he is irritable.

Duh Finally! You're a genius!!

OP did you think of that??

No Dancing you were just fucking rude.

And if you can't tell the difference between language used on an Internet forum and language used in the classroom then I'm glad I don't teach your children too.

I think my parents solved this problem by being big on scheduling and planning: telling us we would go out at 10am, playtime in the afternoon at 2pm, etc. even setting times for when my brother and I would use some item we were squabbling over. I think she loved it as soon as we could tell the time! When we were younger and she would be away for a week on school trips, she made a chart and got us to mark off the days until she returned, so that we could anticipate it without wondering when she would be back.

Endless trips out: my parents were so big on low cost trips out (such as walking) I sometimes used to long for downtime at home. Perhaps planning the next day with the children might help, mentioning things including household tasks. I used to feel better if I felt I had some control over what went on, and was involved in planning. I used to loathe it if my mum suddenly declared at dawn "we're going to spend the whole day tidying", and she meant it. (I've never forgiven her for doing this on Easter Sunday - we didn't even get a big egg to show for it!)

I remember my mum writing scheduled lists for the day ahead, and encouraging us to fill in the blanks (while her back was turned, my brother would write things on them such as "the poo show"). I only remember one or two summers where boredom really set in.

OP - you say, quite reasonably, that you wanted half an hour to yourself after mowing the lawn but, to a 9 year old, it might just look as though that's what you've just done - had half an hour to yourself which you chose to spend mowing the lawn. I don't want to make assumptions in case you already do this but you might need to be very clear about when you're 'working'on household tasks and when you're having 'half an hour to myself'. I know my children can't always work that one out.

I have a very large teacup which is all my own. I make myself a cup of tea and tell DD (3) that mummy is not available while she is drinking her tea.

She goes off to play on her own, and occasionally wanders in to check how far down the cup I am. She's very good at waiting until I'm finished and on my side I don't eek it out - once I'm done then I'll go and play or whatever.

It just buys half an hours peace - golden any time but especially if you're a LP

Booooo-oored gets landed with a job. Immediately. Have a list ready, if only a mental one.

Printed on the fridge door works even better.

My son isn't "on the spectrum". I was just saying what worked for him because he likes to know what's going on . And because I usually have a rough idea of what needs to be done/ what fun things are planned for that day, I share it with him. I don't plan every minute, but if he wants to play a board game, then it's only fair to give him an idea of when that might be.

I didn't say it would work for all children, I was trying to be helpful by sharing what helps him!