To think a 9 year old shouldn't be raging and sobbing over this

[thinkingmakesitso]

Over being asked to entertain himself for a bit, that is.

I feel we are stuck in some awful ways and I am starting to dread the weekends I have the dc as ds1 just seems so bloody miserable all the time. I have banned the Wii for this weekend as I am sick of him being obsessed with it since his dad got him a Fifa game - he has been getting up at 5.30 to put it on . Today he got up at 6am and watched tv. I was up at 7am, tv off about 8.30.

We went shoe shopping, during which he was pleasant company. We came back and I made lunch while he and ds2 played (not together - they hardly ever do). I moved the lawn and he helped a bit. Then his mood just dropped and he started moping - I started to be aware of him having a face on like it is the worst day of his life. I was pretty tired when I finished mowing and he was moping and complaining he has nothing to do, he can't make up his mind what to do. He was starting to sob/shriek at this point.

Unfortunately I snapped at him that I don't expect to have to rush in from a pretty arduous task straight into a game of cricket or something. By now he was full on wailing. He then stomped off to his bedroom 'to read' - as if that was the worst thing in the world, when in fact he loves reading, but only ever seems to want to do it in bed .

I fully planned to play with him (and ds2) this afternoon, but I just wanted half an hour first, which should surely be feasible with a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old. Also, when he starts moping it just irritates me so much and seems to sap the energy from me, rather than motivating me to make suggestions of things to do. He becomes very negative, and it is a bit of a vicious circle.

Reading this back, it occurs to me that he must be tired, but I can't seem to stop him getting up ridiculously early. He goes to bed at 8 but often reads for an hour or more. I have tried enforcing lights off, but he can't sleep and the same is true in the mornings. I feel like we are doomed to have shit weekends, which makes me feel awful, especially as I only have them every other weekend (60% custody) and I think the fact that they are mainly on screens at their dads may be an issue, but there is not much I can do about that.

Oh, you're bored, marvellous, let's go through the week's spelling list. When you get all of them right, we do the times tables again, starting with 7 and 12. Your bedroom needs tidying and I could do with someone taking the bins out.

He'll run like the wind.

Maybe it's the stress of being shunted from one house to another. Having different rules and routines in two separate houses must be pretty frustrating and confusing for your DC.

If you only have them every other weekend, why couldn't you have done the arduous lawn mowing on a weekend when you don't have them?

I would make the most of every weekend that I had with them, certainly not 'dread' them.

Honestly, you don't know how lucky you are to have every other weekend to yourself!

When mine are bored they are handed a duster or the hoover - they aren't bored so much anymore, funny that!

Thanks for that, Dancing. So helpful. I didn't mow the lawn last week because, as a full-time teacher, I try to do as much work as possible when they aren't here. Their dad doesn't work regularly, so my job is pretty important to my dc, albeit indirectly. Also it was raining.

Thanks for adding to guilt I already feel about not feeling 100% positive about the time I have with them. If I could have them here all the time without depriving them of time with their dad then I would.

I'm lucky in many way, but not in that my marriage ended in infidelity and that I feel like I'm not giving my dc the best childhood possible.

YANBU but I don't know if it's exactly unusual either.

My just turned 9 year old has started becoming like this and it's come as a shock to me because her older sister has never had any issue occupying herself at all and (although she loves activity) will happily read all day if there is no activity available.

With mine I think the fault is mine in that (due to both circumstance and choice) we have a very, very structured and jam packed lifestyle. Due to long school hours and evenings and weekends mainly taken up with dance classes or similar, my children probably have less than an hour in the house on weekdays when they aren't sleeping and often not much more at weekends. We try and do as much as we can in the holidays too so on days when we don't it probably comes as a bit of a shock and, as I really started to notice this last holiday, DD2 has definitely not learned to self occupy.

I tried to be patient as I do think it's my fault but aarghh, it was wearing.

Hope it gets better for you soon!

Dancing I'm sorry but I fully disagree with you.
The role of a parent is NOT to be on hands all the time for their dcs. It is NOT to be at their disposal to be able to play whenever they feel like it.
And it certainly is NOT too organise all the things that needs ding around them.
That's the way you raise completely entitled chiildren who are unable to do anything for themselves.

thinking I think you are doing great. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing (and certainly not with doing jobs around the house that needs doing!).
Fwiw, I have been doing the dance of 'let's do all the things that the dcs don't enjoy when they are not around'. The conclusion has been that I have been doing them a BIG disservice. They NEED to be doing those boring jobs to be able to a) learn that these things needs doing and don't happen magically, b) learn to deal with their boredom and c) to learn to do things they don't enjoy graciously.

I also agree with manic that when the children are used to have a jam packed week, then they never have the opportunity to be bored and to learn to do something about it. Activities not coming their way is suddenly looking like the most awful thing in thre world. One reason why we also reduced the number of activities they were doing btw as well as doing 'less' at weekends. They need down time just as much as adults. We tend tyo get some in the evening when they are asleep. When do they get their downtime?

I read/ listened to some simplicity parenting blogs and it's worked so well for my DSC. Theory is it's good for children to be 'bored' sometimes as they won't be bored for long, they learn to play with toys, Lego, read and have adventures again rather than being stuck to screens. Really worth it and it lets you get on with weekend jobs (being at full time work in week) which you mustn't feel guilty about, and also shows DS that normal weekends aren't all about entertainment from the outside every minute (they wouldn't be if you had him full time would they?) , but he can entertain himself.

Dancing you're a fucking twat.

Also a teacher here, also a single parent.

It's not too much to ask that they understand you need a time out sometimes and they need to entertain themselves. I agree that he's tired and hormonal and you need to take away screens in the morning until some decent hour. Having him earn screens is also a good idea.

It's hard when you don't have anyone to come in and take it all off your hands for half an hour. Ring fencing a bit of time to yourself is normal. If you don't, you end up at the end of your tether, then you start to not enjoy the time with them and you can end up in a bit of a spiral.

Be kind to yourself

Nice work, Dancing top twatty comment there.

OP, it sounds like your DS really struggles with how to play. What is he like when friends are round? Is that easier?

Sorry to hear you're zapped OP. It can make us snap and it's not the end of the world. Have a breather.

If you're worried about the screen time at their dad's, although they would protest, why not cut it out completely when they're with you? Or just for school work if needed? They'll get used to it and thank you in the long run. You could have a basic itineray you follow each weekend. Getting them to help with breakfast? Pancakes and toppings. Any green spaces near you can go to? Take picnic or get back for lunch. Lego. Reading all together taking turns. Watching a film and making popcorn in the evening. Or making pizzas to slob out with.

You're not a baddie. They'll appreciate the rhythms, that maybe they're lacking at dad's.

I'm think it is something most children do at one time or another and I'm not sure that you can do anything about it unless you spend your entire weekend entertaining him which is obviously not practical. Does he have any friends nearby that he could play with?

What would work with my DS (who is nearly 9) would be to timetable the day in advance, not necessarily to the minute, but as a guide:

In the morning, after breakfast we will be going to the shoe shop. After that we will be mowing the lawn. Following that, we'll have half an hour quiet reading time then we'll have lunch. After lunch, we will play xyz.

Don't know if that would work with yours though, but mine likes to know what is happening in advance. If he isn't told, he gets a bit lost and upset. Same as going out somewhere, I tell him about it is advance so he knows what to expect. He doesn't like 'suprises" my son!

You've literally just described my ds (9) .

It's exhausting.

I don't really play with my 5(nearly 6)yo DS .

I do stuff with him- like his homework and take him to his classes etc but when we are home I expect him to do his own thing. He potters about with lego or plays outside, on his own or with the neighbours if they are around. He has set times when he can have screens to cut the badgering.

I think you kind of have to train them to entertain themselves- by being incredibly boring at all times (and not feeling guilty about it). However, we have no hormones to contend with so maybe I will be eating my words in a few years.

He sounds tired and possibly also hungry - my ds gets like this too. Blackout blinds in bedroom and no screens or TV before 730 on the weekend helped us. I'm rubbish at playing with my two I tend to take them to the park or out for a walk to avoid the boredom comments.

Do you care if they are bored? I figure being bored will make my DS go find something to do.

That's what I was trying to get at, Blacksuit. Although, there will definitely be times for them to "get bored" and find ways to entertain themselves. It's the structure that my boys like too.

My nearly 9 yo boy does the hormonal strops too.

Though he enjoys FIFA on the x-box and would play all day he is totally reasonable about no screen days and doesn't complain about that - his strops are about having NOBODY to play with. Its ironic because we live somewhere where kids call for each other and make their own play arrangenents so almost every day he'll play football with neighbor kids for several hours, or various other throwback 1970s kids activities like den and damn building and whityling :o BUT if ever it should occur thete is nobody out to play with the world has ended and he will lie on the floor in despair - then he'll try phoning further away friends but if I am not instantly willing to drive him or don't want anyone from further away coming to us right now because I have to go to work in an hour/ have to go to the supermarket and then drive a sibling to an activity then it is my fault he has NO FRIENDS (he has a lot of friends...) because I am so unreasonable...

He gets over it and plays with his brother or sister after a bit - you have to ignore or roll your eyes I think.

Sometimes I kick a football at him (not out of frustration :o he's a goal keeper and apparently needs to practice 3 hours a day...) or we play a board game but certainly not every day.

If mine (nearly 11, nearly 9 and 5)say they are bored I tell them that shows they need more time with nothing to do so they can learn to entertain themselves :o but also suggest chores/ room tidying.

I was wondering about the strops too though - he can be worse than my neatly 11 yo girl tbh, and she's kind of meant to be the one getting hormonal strops (I started my periods just a few months older than her)... I actually googled around about hormones and boys tjis age and there is quite a lot out there about hormones starting to be produced at 8/9 for typically developinv boys who won't show body / physical signs of puberty for anotjer 3+ years I had no idea!

My 6 year old is like this. I had hoped she would grow out of it by 9. But then I've been saying that since 3 😄

Part of our problem is compounded by a disability so there are things she physically can't do without adult help. There are fewer of those now that she is 6, than there were when she was 3, but she has become so used to having adult supervision, she doesn't like to be without it. I've done the same as you catasunder albeit for us there wasn't really any choice, it was thrust upon us by her situation. And like you, we are struggling to undo it.

Burntheblacksuit. What you've suggested is actually part of our problem. She's so routine led, and does much better when she knows exactly how the day will pan out, but the downside of it is, she is incapable of managing her own downtime. Any suggestion she goes off to her playroom and finds something to do is met with the reaction you'd expect if you told her you were going to pull her fingernails out. She's fine if you start her on something and leave her to it, but she just doesn't seem capable of choosing something herself. Or if she does, it's always something that she can't do by herself.

Having said that, she loves helping with housework and is as happy as larry, with a cleaning cloth and a duster. Her favourite thing is tidying out cupboards and as she can't only crawl, my skirting boards are spotless 😂

Burn I don't know about you, but I certainly don't have such a detailed outlined of what I'm going to do in the day.
An idea like, 'we need to go to the shops' and 'I need to clean thre house' yes, even though I'm well know to leave the 'cleaning the house' for more appealing endeavours. But nothing as precise.

I can see why it would be good for a child on the spectrum.
Otherwise, it might be better to teach that child more spontaneity and adapting to change.

Does he like Lego? My eldest has never done 'role-playing' type play, but he will happily spend hours following the instructions to build a Lego kit, with only the old request for help on a difficult bit.

I think it is screen time withdrawal ...my DD2 (9) has always been great at entertaining herself - then about 4 months ago DP bought a tablet and let her play on it - games and minecraft and she started watching the You tube videos.
She already had minecraft on my tablet but it has strict parental controls on it - she can't watch youtube without me allowing her to. And she had a time limit.
DP never set a limit...just gave her it to play with. And then he complained that she was on it too much ...I told him he had to sort it out with her...I would help him enforce time limits but I didn't want the battle everyday - thankfully it broke. But he started letting her use his notebook instead...and told her she could use it when he wasn't here. (He works early shift and weekends - from 5am - 1pm - gets home after 2pm - goes to bed at 7pm) I don't let her start using it at 7pm and she never does in the mornings so it is literally just at the weekend.

On a Saturday she gets up early and will be playing on it when I wake up and then she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere because it the only time she gets ...then when DP gets home and wants it back she complains she is bored and wants to go out ...she doesn't have tantrums about it but is an absolute pain. And complains of being bored the whole time.
On a Sunday she gets up early and does go on it but has an activity late morning and then I can take her straight out and she doesn't think about it...
DP and I have just had another conversation about it today - I do normally have the battle to get her out etc but as a test today I didn't and she was on it almost nonstop all day ... no interest in doing anything else. I've said he has to set ground rules for her - and I'll enforce them but at the moment I'm the bad guy (which I can live with) but as far as she is concerned her dad thinks she can use it all the time he's not there ...
Anyway he has set a limit of 3 hrs with her today - which is still a bit too long but hopefully won't be too much of a shock...