I think my partner just settled

[Andysgirl15]

Bit of a long story so I'll try and make it as short as possible. I've been with my partner nearly a year and don't get me wrong he's an amazing man, he accepts my daughter as his own and we have another on the way as I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Anyway I can't help but feel that he only settled with me as he couldn't be arsed to carry on looking. Before getting with me he was single for 2 years and he wanted to settle down and have kids as time was ticking on for him (he's nearly 35) I'm 23.

But I know he has a rep for being a player in his younger days and as I've seen on his Facebook pics he's attracted to a specific type of woman. Blonde hair, size 8 and more make up than boots make up counter. (These pics aren't from years ago they were a couple of months before he got with me). He says he never did anything with any of them but it still clearly shows that's the type of woman he's attracted to.

They aren't completely innocent pics. He's draped all over them hands everywhere biting/licking their ears etc. Then there's me a size 14, look like complete shit. Can't remember the last time I got dolled up for any reason. I prefer to spend my evenings in my pj's in front of the telly I feel like shite constantly in this pregnancy. We have been out a couple of times but when we have pics done it's just us next to each other there's no love/romance/sexuality in the pics we just look like a couple of mates who haven't seen each other for ages.

So AIBU to think he's just settled because he couldn't be arsed to look anymore

P.s he's not a very good looking guy either he's average

Sorry, it sounds like you settled. It's hard being on your own with a baby. If your DD is 19 months you must have met him when she was 7-8 months? I've been there on my own too, and it's great when you meet someone and feel like you're not havng to do it all, it's a real relief. So ok, he's average-ish looking, but he's a decent person, wants to be in a relationship with you, and treats your DD well. That's all fair enough, and I can see why you'd think that would 'do'.

Problem is though, that you seem to expect more from him than you give yourself. do you ever compliment him? Have you ever said how attractive you find him, that you fancy him, that he looks good (whether it's dressed up/in his scruffs/whatever) because if you never have, if you only ever think that he's ok, then why do you expect more from him? Why should he compliment you when you never do the same?

I think you may have both rushed into this, for your own reasons. That's ok - at the end of the day all relationships are some kind of compromise, but not if you're going to pick over it and be resentful of him for 'settling' when in fact that's almost certainly what you've both done.

People don't have just ONE type of person they are attracted to. You sound extremely insecure.

I struggle with threads that claim their DP/DH is "an amazing man", but then go on to describe the person as a complete knob Yeah he's 35 but he acts like he's in his 20s football, beer, messing around, getting into fights at football

You really want to invest your time with this type of person??

What does it matter if he got drunk and was messing about on nights out before he met you?
You need to work on your own self esteem, forget these Facebook pictures.

I don't think he settled. If he was a "bit of a player" I'm sure he could easily have decided to "settle down" with any of these girls. He was single for 2 yrs and then chose to be with you and start a family. I don't think most men have the need to settle down like women. They don't have same potential fertility issues.

. My DH was a bit of a lad when he was younger and I am very different to girls he dated when he was younger. I don't think he settled I think he met someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and be the mother to his children.

You had these concerns but carried on trying for a baby anyway?

I don't see red flags or that he is a liar. He hates a woman from work and became big buds on a drunk night out? It happens. He didn't shag her.

Was he with you when this happened?

This is all about you and the way you feel about you. Which I get, I was like that too. But it seems you are turning him into some sort of twat so it fits your version better.

You need to stop dwelling on his single past if you are ever going to be happy.

When I was younger I had a 'type' I was attracted to, then I met DH who was the exact opposite! I realise that my previos 'type' didn't suit me. DH and I have similar interests and future goals, we have been together 8 years now and are best friends. Relationships can be hard work and its not always easy, the important thing is to comunicate with each other and be honest about how you are feeling.

Your low self confidence is something you need to work on or it will eat away at your relationship. If you don't love yourself then you will never be able to believe anyone else does either. Make working on this a priority, try self help books or councelling or my personal favourite NLP.

Also my dh is the exact opposite of the 'type' I dated before him. I didn't settle.

Could it be that his ED together with your pregnancy is having a negative impact on your self-esteem?

Seriously, FB photos are not an indication of who someone really is, it sounds like your are overly dwelling on this part of your DP's past.

These are just silly, drunken Facebook photos and you seem to be studying them and reading far too much into them.

I don't think he is the problem here. I think the problem is your lack of self confidence/esteem.

In a healthy relationship, he should be helping with that (it doesn't sound as though he is), but even if he did, you have to help yourself too and focusing your energy on FB photos is not helpful.

I agree with the PP who said you seem to be trying to own his past.

Do you actually want this baby? Your relationship doesn't sound very secure, you haven't known him long, you don't like his past, you don't trust him, you had a baby for him/his grandma, you're young, you've got a toddler....

Lots of people have a very distinctive "type" for casual dating and then choose someone very different, even completely the opposite type, for a long term relationship. My DP is nothing like the guys I used to go out with. Someone you want to date and just have fun with may not be the same type you'd want to actually live with for any length of time. Seriously, your DP probably got bored with the types of women he was dating and chose you because he actually likes you, cares about you, respects you and enjoys spending time with you. As someone else said - he's settling DOWN, not settling. Big difference.

You should work on your confidence / self-esteem and try to boost it - maybe therapy? And perhaps complimenting DP would help as well - it won't hurt to give his self-esteem a bit of a boost and if you are more vocal about finding him attractive it may occur to him that he should be more vocal that he finds you attractive as well - and I'm sure he really does, despite your insecurities.

DP truly gives me butterflies but if you compared him to most of my exes you'd probably think "What's she doing with him? He's not her type at all!". In reality, DP is far more my type than the others were. It's hard to explain but I think I used to choose men who fit the picture of who I thought I should like, rather than ones I actually liked, if that makes sense? Sounds like your DP may have done something similar - especially if the women all fit the stereotypical model look (blonde, thin, heavy make up). He may have been acting the lad with them more because he thought he "should" be attracted to that type. He may have licked their ears when posing for FB pics but you're the one he actually wants to spend his time with and build a future with. Please don't let your insecurities about this destroy your relationship.

Also, there's nothing wrong at all with being size 14!

I was an insecure wreck both pregnancies despite being in a very secure and happy marriage. Does discount that this could be hormonal. Plus size 14 is fine, that's what I am!!

Maybe he tried all these women and didn't find them intellectually his match? Once he scratched the surface the shine wore off.

Whereas with you, he married his best friend who he could rely on, and could grow old together with. He found his pot of gold at the rainbow, but he had to look in a different place to where he'd been searching for years before to find.

He feels secure enough now that, it doesn't matter if HE looses HIS looks after time so HE doesn't have to worry about this 'god's gift to man' running off with someone else too.

Maybe he grew up and realised it wasn't about looks at all. He didn't have to conform to what his mates told him he should like. He gained confidence to pick someone a little different and to hell with whether anyone judged him for not being with the skinny blonde. He was going to choose what he REALLY liked for once.

He 'settled' for someone who would make a great mother to his children. You provide a feeling of home and security after a long day at work. He doesn't have to put on a macho act by stick his tongue in your ear to impress you, or to be funny around. He doesn't have to pretend to be the fantasy man in the photos anymore. You are someone to talk to and admit weaknesses to. You are someone who won't judge.

I'm pretty sure there is research that shows that men have TWO types. One they chase for sex in their youth and one they want to marry and spend the rest of their lives with. Which do you think is ultimately the most important and the one they spend 40, 50 or more years with?

That's not settling. That's wanting different things from different types of relationship.

This is not about him, or his behaviour. This is about you. Its about your lack of confidence and you having doubts about him. You clearly have issues over trust too.

You need to turn this on his head and start asking what qualities you have that made him choose you, instead of a version of the type you seem to think he likes. He could have 'settled' for any of them. What made YOU special and stand out from the crowd of blondes?

Maybe he "hates" this woman because he fancied her, tried it on and she rejected him.

Either way, she's not the enemy here. Other attractive women aren't the enemy either.

You need to fix you're self-esteem, that's your problem. If you aren't happy about your size then do something about it. If you like to slob about in pyjamas in the evenings watching TV, that's fine, but don't make out that women who don't are somehow lesser.