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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think my partner just settled

67 replies

Andysgirl15 · 07/05/2016 11:40

Bit of a long story so I'll try and make it as short as possible. I've been with my partner nearly a year and don't get me wrong he's an amazing man, he accepts my daughter as his own and we have another on the way as I'm 7 weeks pregnant. Anyway I can't help but feel that he only settled with me as he couldn't be arsed to carry on looking. Before getting with me he was single for 2 years and he wanted to settle down and have kids as time was ticking on for him (he's nearly 35) I'm 23.

But I know he has a rep for being a player in his younger days and as I've seen on his Facebook pics he's attracted to a specific type of woman. Blonde hair, size 8 and more make up than boots make up counter. (These pics aren't from years ago they were a couple of months before he got with me). He says he never did anything with any of them but it still clearly shows that's the type of woman he's attracted to.

They aren't completely innocent pics. He's draped all over them hands everywhere biting/licking their ears etc. Then there's me a size 14, look like complete shit. Can't remember the last time I got dolled up for any reason. I prefer to spend my evenings in my pj's in front of the telly I feel like shite constantly in this pregnancy. We have been out a couple of times but when we have pics done it's just us next to each other there's no love/romance/sexuality in the pics we just look like a couple of mates who haven't seen each other for ages.

So AIBU to think he's just settled because he couldn't be arsed to look anymore

P.s he's not a very good looking guy either he's average

OP posts:

Newmanwannabe · 07/05/2016 12:11

Have you always felt like this or just since getting pregnant? Are your hormones making you feel things you don't normally feel?

Original poster

Andysgirl15 · 07/05/2016 12:11

I really don't care if he discussed my appearance I have no confidence anyway so it's not like it could be knocked. It's not just the past. He lied to me he told me he hated a woman he worked with yet he's sticking his tongue in her ear.

Im just worried the past is gonna repeat itself and yet again I'll be left holding the baby and somehow it will all be my fault

We already live in a society where we are expected to look a certain way and it don't help when my oh is clearly attracted to the expected

OP posts:

Original poster

Andysgirl15 · 07/05/2016 12:13

I had the doubts anyway but I think the pregnancy isn't helping them

It was more him that wanted the baby he's pushing 35 and his nan wanted him to settle down before she dies

OP posts:

CodyKing · 07/05/2016 12:15

It seems you had your first child young and haven't experienced the single scene - he has

He was one of the lads - up for a laugh with who ever - and you do get bored of that and want something different -

So he looked for a different type of woman - you - he may well have found the party girls shallow - or become bored of them -

He may well enjoy a more relaxed lady who's not into continual preening and partying - he may have grown up and be ready to be a dad.

You sound insecure and this will lead him to doubt you - can you be open with him? Talk about how you feel, what you want from the relationship - to know you have a future etc

WeAllHaveWings · 07/05/2016 12:15

You need to stop looking at his facebook pics from before he met you and forgot about the ones you have seen. Its unhealthy and obviously unsettling for you. It sounds as if you are looking for proof he is a liar and you are fat/ugly/second best.

He might just not be romantic/good with words, cant remember my dh ever telling me I looked good for a night about, but also cant remember being concerned about it.

You need to focus on how you work as a couple day to day and if you love and respect each other try to work out your own insecurities before you kill your relationship dead.

Just5minswithDacre · 07/05/2016 12:15

We already live in a society where we are expected to look a certain way and it don't help when my oh is clearly attracted to the expected

No, I don't think you can safely draw that conclusion.

Young(ish) men out with the lads do fall into line and do the 'expected' (beer, sport, eye candy types, arsing around).

If privately the prefer reading Brecht, discussing electoral systems and chatting to make-up free women about gardening, they don't let that show when they're with the lads. Not often. Not when they're under 35.

Maybe he's just growing up. Let him

Branleuse · 07/05/2016 12:15

you need to give yourself more credit tbh

BestZebbie · 07/05/2016 12:16

I suspect that he did fancy the blonde size 8 women but they were all thoroughly spoken for and he knew he didn't have much of a chance with them anyway if he isn't that concerned about his looks himself - but Facebook didn't need to know that, so he always made sure he took pictures whenever he possibly could that he could use to pretend he had a much more exciting life filled with stereotypically sexy women than he actually had. I would not be surprised if he is one of those people who stands in a photo line-up until 0.3 seconds before the picture is actually taken and then suddenly hugs everyone so that the picture comes out like that before anyone has a chance to react.
With you, he has an actual partner, so he diesn't need to be so insecure anymore and he doesn't need to pretend he is a player on Facebook.

novemberchild · 07/05/2016 12:17

Some men will flirt with women who are 'conventionally attractive', usually for an ego boost or to impress their friends, but will not want them as their wives and mothers of their children.

ijustwannadance · 07/05/2016 12:17

How did you meet? Did you know him when he was a sleezy nobhead?

WeAllHaveWings · 07/05/2016 12:19

He lied to me he told me he hated a woman he worked with yet he's sticking his tongue in her ear.

Its a works night out, people drink and folk you "hate" at work suddenly don't seem "that bad" (then you go back to hating them on Monday). There is every chance the picture was just posed for the camera.

Original poster

Andysgirl15 · 07/05/2016 12:20

Yeah he's 35 but he acts like he's in his 20s football, beer, messing around, getting into fights at football.

It's time for him to grow up and he knows that and he's trying. We do communicate but we both work and we have DD who's 19 month so we never have a lot of time to ourselves.

I've told him my insecurities and we work it out then before u know it other pictures are cropping up

OP posts:

Original poster

Andysgirl15 · 07/05/2016 12:21

It wasn't a works outing. His sister is friends with the girl he supposedly hates. I've met her and she thinks she's gods gift to men

OP posts:

Just5minswithDacre · 07/05/2016 12:22

Licking someone's ear isn't very fucking respectful anyway. I can well imagine someone 'hating' someone, getting drunk, doing something a bit childish and disrespectful like that, sobering up and continuing the dislike.

Ear licking in a FB photo isn't exactly a grand romantic gesture.

Just5minswithDacre · 07/05/2016 12:24

Well there you go. Insecure young men do 'hate' young women who are very aware of their own attractiveness.

You two sound equally insecure TBH. You need to find a way to communicate and bolster each other.

Oysterbabe · 07/05/2016 12:26

Why did you decide to have a child with him so quickly if you were feeling this way?

Just5minswithDacre · 07/05/2016 12:28

before u know it other pictures are cropping up

And I'd be suspicious of pictures that just 'crop up'. Is someone stirring? The lads don't like being a man down? Don't let them win, if that's it.

AnyFucker · 07/05/2016 12:29

Has he got an ear lobe fetish ?

QuiteLikely5 · 07/05/2016 12:29

Having pictures taken with work colleagues is no crime. It is no crime to have them taken with attractive people either.

There are many girls your dp will find attractive (fact of life) and what you should be doing is looking at yourself and not them.

If you are overweight why not improve that? If you aren't happy with your appearance then boost it somehow.

I do think you are feeling insecure as a consequence of these pictures but as I say you need to focus upon yourself.

I strongly doubt this man settled with you because his nan wanted him to hurry and have a child.

What is worrying though is that you have a 19mo child and that your having another so soon with someone else who you are having concerns about.

How can that be sensible? I would be worried too that it's going to go pear shaped tbh! You don't really know someone truly after one year and you have taken a big risk. One child is something but two under three is a different thing all together.

Lightbulbon · 07/05/2016 12:30

Can you explain this more- ' he wanted the baby more'?

Bohemond · 07/05/2016 12:30

Agree with pps - why the hell get pregnant with this man so soon into your relationship!

ilovesooty · 07/05/2016 12:39

Would anyone seriously plan a child to please their elderly grandmother? And would any sensible woman go along with it?

Anicechocolatecake · 07/05/2016 12:40

You come across as being very insecure and as if you are catastrophising. Your last partner left you with a baby so this guy will, to your mind.
You're saying he treats you well, he's good with your dd and that he's a bit if an immature party boy and needs to grow up.
Honestly I think you'd do really well with some time on your own. Have some therapy. Tackle your own insecurities and build some self-esteem (lots of ways to do that). In all honesty I'd terminate your pregnancy and give yourself a chance to build yourself up a bit before having another baby. Then either talk with this man about a future or stay single or find a new man. But work on yourself first.
I appreciate you might be dead against termination, in which case there's still time to have lots of therapy and get yourself into a stronger frame of mind. You've only been with your partner for a year and of course it's going to be unsettling to have a major life change like a baby. It will be making you question how reliable he will be.
There's always going to be lots of gorgeous young girls out there. You have to find out what you love about you.

pandarific · 07/05/2016 12:41

'She thinks she's gods gift to men'

It sounds to me like she is just confident and because you are in a period of being very insecure, that has pissed you off. This is all about you and your feelings of insecurity and lack of self worth - and I mean that kindly. Don't be jealous of other women, it's a waste of your time and energy - focus on YOU. What do you want to look like, who do you want to be.

Work out what you need to do to achieve that and then do it.

ghostyslovesheep · 07/05/2016 12:42

Honestly - this is all about you

from what you have posted he's done nothing wrong except behave in a slightly sleazy way when SINGLE

You are the one feeling all the negative stuff about yourself and this will eat away at your relationship if you don't address it. Plus you have a girl - who will be growing up with a female role model who dislikes herself and her looks/weight/ etc which isn't healthy

Do get some help with this - I'm a 14 - it's hardly obese - you sound so down on yourself xxxxx

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