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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel Dentist for DD

75 replies

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 16:56

We have a dentist appointment booked for tomorrow which will be her yearly check up. The dentist fills me with dread ever since DD was about 6. She can throw the biggest tantrums you have ever seen.
Dentist has always been fantastic with her, but DD doesn't even give it a try. She needed a filling and happily took the injections to numb her but when they came to do it WOW!! Dentist fingers were nearly bitten off, tools thrown every where, screamed so loudly even I was shocked it came out of her. The dentist hadn't even started doing anything. Then from there just down hill, she will get in the chair, she will answer questions and smile and act like a well behaved child, until they need to do something. Last year she did need a tooth out. They numbed her up (again fine. Even I screw my face up at the injections!!) and then they went to take it out. My DP walked out of the dentist with our DS as DD throw the biggest sh!t fit I have ever seen! She was screaming for me , I was holding her hand and was near her, she sounded like she was being murdered. Again, before anything happened! DD is going to high school soon, she has started her period and is a mature girl, is trustworthy and everything. Yet turns into a 3 year old when it comes to anything like this! (Doctors is another story too!!) I spoke to DD early and her reaction straight away was 'I'm going to kick off, you know that don't you?' When I tried explaining how things are to her, she started crying, threw a paddy and slammed her door. I can see it in her face that tomorrow we are in for it. She is going to cause a drama and it is so bloody embarrassing! Should I cancel the appointment and just leave her?

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Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:04

As I said, DD behaviour/past is a different post

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Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:09

Buggers she is confident and capable at school. She is brilliant at her work, has a reading level of a 15 year old and always does her homework to a great mark.
Except, she has no friends. No one likes her because of the way she is. So she does spend all of her time either with teachers or on her own.
Teachers have tried with her, to help her not come across as brass as she does. To calm her down and it doesn't work.
She is looking forward to high school as she can start again as no one from her school is going to the high school.

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realitybitescake · 05/05/2016 19:09

Are you sure there isn't something else going on with your DD? You said she doesn't have any friends -- that is a big flag for something is wrong besides her just acting up at the dentist. I know from personal experience what it is like to deal with extreme dental fear/sensitivity with my ASD child. We have to go to a special children's dentist every 3 months to get him used to going and then they only do a little bit each time as he gets used to it. He has gradually gotten better over two years. Are you sure she doesn't have something else going on (and sensory issues, extreme phobia or whatever?)? You cannot fix those types of problems with willpower over her, you need to come at it from a psychological standpoint.

Gottagetmoving · 05/05/2016 19:14

She may have an actual phobia that she can't control. I would speak to my GP if I were you.

HippyPottyMouth · 05/05/2016 19:14

You mentioned a back story with DD. I wonder if maybe it is relevant, if she's difficult to manage in other situations as well.

realitybitescake · 05/05/2016 19:15

Could you find a dentist that will work with you to gradually get her used to going and desensitize her? We used to have to have our child put under anaestetic (sorry can't spell) to get fillings down. It was horrible. You have to have a plan in place and a behaviour strategy beside carrots and sticks. Carrots and sticks don't work when you are dealing with extreme behaviour.

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:17

realitybitescake we went down the road of getting her assessed. Before we moved, her old school said there was 'something' going on and they wanted to investigate. We had to move and in her new school, they Head Teacher said there was nothing wrong, the old school must have seen something different than he did. Because she is confident and capable, there is nothing wrong at all. So we have to listen to the 'experts' and say that there isn't anything wrong with her, she is just the way she is. Which is hard because I do look at her and think Why? Why do you feel the need to do that? Or that? But because I've been shot down by the school and doctors, what other choice do I have? But to believe she does all of this for attention? Just because she can?

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Buggers · 05/05/2016 19:20

It's sad she hasn't got any friends :( I know this isn't to do with your original post but are there any after school drama classes or something similar she could join? May be a good way for her to express herself in a suitable environment

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:21

Oh and to mention, new Head Teacher is 'specially trained in dealing with children with problems, is certified in this and that, has worked in schools that have children with problems etc etc' he flat out told me to my face that there is nothing wrong with DD. He would know that and a lot of people say there is something with their child when they are just naughty.... He wouldn't help with any kind of problems we have with DD, and when we took her to the GP, they referred her to some kind of CAFCASS, they spoke to the school who said there is nothing here. So that is why I'm treating her like a drama queen, as I have been told there is nothing underlying with my DD. So that's why we have to be hard on her about the dentist. Because I can't cause a fuss if no one believes me....

Rambled. Sorry

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Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:23

Buggers we do all of that. She ends up sitting on her own, or doing things on her own. Everyone at first loves that she is there, they play with her, invite her round their house etc. Then a few weeks later, nothing. They don't acknowledge her at all. In 6 years, she has been to 3 birthday parties. Nothing in the past 2 years.

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thumb3lina · 05/05/2016 19:25

When I was that age I was exactly the same as your DD, I even acted the same so it must have seemed like I was putting it on but I had a massive fear of the dentist.

IF your DD actually does have a fear of the dentist, forcing her isn't going to help. My parents tried that and it made it so much worse. There are specialists you can be referred to who specialise in very nervous patients and I would definitely recommend them.

realitybitescake · 05/05/2016 19:26

I do feel for you, OP. I think if you are only going once a year that makes it a bigger deal. If you went every few months maybe it would take some of the steam out. I don't know if you can do that? Good luck!

Buggers · 05/05/2016 19:29

Oh that's horrible, does she get upset about birthday parties and lack of friends? Forget what the head teacher said what do you and your dh think? Do you think their may be something not quite right? I find it hard to believe she wouldn't try to tone it down if she could help it when nobody wants to be friends

catkind · 05/05/2016 19:30

I don't really get "for attention" as a motivation for a 10 year old. That's a 2 yr old's motivation. What does she gain? She only loses. If she was just doing it for the fun of it, why wait till after the injection? I find it hard to believe she's doing this on purpose.

Supposing it's a panic reaction, and she knows from experience that it will happen, she knows it's not appropriate for her age and she doesn't know how to prevent herself from doing it. Right now she knows she may not be able to help kicking off and she knows she's going to be blamed and in trouble for it. Is that consistent with the way she's acting? From what you've said, yes, but we're not there.

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:30

thumb3lina she is fine going in there, she is fine going in there. Ok, we haven't been for a year but she still hasn't shown any proper phobia of sorts? She likes the general attention of the doctor/dentist. It is such a strange story to explain sometimes. Unless you know her you know?

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titchy · 05/05/2016 19:36

What exactly is she like at school? You say confident and capable. But that doesn't explain the lack of friends. Does she scream and tantrum there too?

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:37

catkind as I said to Thumb3lina, it's hard to explain what DD is like. It's like every year she gets older in body, her mind gets younger. I don't know why she waits. but to be fair, I don't know why she does half the things she does do, because she knows there will be consequences. It's like that isn't in her mind at that time. I think some part is panic yes, but this happened years ago too. Not just recently.
She fell over last Friday when we were at the park, on the Tuesday when she went to school, she managed to get her leg bandaged up (!) with a big plaster and was limping?! Yet when we were at the park on that Friday and on the Monday there was no limp or issue?

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Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:41

She is so used to not having friends or be invited any where now, it still hurts her. I know it does. She is just counting down until high school. I feel for her when I know she is missed out. When they have big parties and she is the only one not going. DS gets invites, sometimes. But they do leave him out too now.

She gets in the other kids faces, shouts at them, calls their name about 50 times in a row, bosses them about, tells them how to play. Always wants to play 'mummy and baby' games but they want to do dance routines or 'sunbathe'. Will throw tantrums when asked to do something (P.E)

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Brightermornings · 05/05/2016 19:42

My dd was exactly the same. She had to be put to sleep at the hospital as she wouldn't let the dentist fill her tooth so they took it out. We had a turning point about 12 months ago she sat in the chair and let him look in her mouth I was so shocked.
She said it was time to act grown up. Last time we went she even let him scrape them with the metal instrument thingy!!

titchy · 05/05/2016 19:55

I think it might be worth posting about her behaviour on the SN boards actually. That doesn't sound quite right for year 6, whatever the head says.

Forget the dentist - postpone the appointment.

The gap socially will widen at secondary, not get better, unless she actually understand how and why her behaviour needs modifying. It doesn't sound like she's really aware of that yet and just hopes by going somewhere new everything will just fall in place. But it won't unless she's aware of the issues in the first place.

Andro · 05/05/2016 20:06

That is sounding more and more as though she has some form of additional needs, I would second the suggestion of posting about her behaviours on the sn boards.

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 20:07

Even if I do post somewhere else, with out the GP's help & the schools help, I'm stuck. The school will again do their paperwork and outline that there is nothing wrong with DD. They have her 6 hours a day, 5 days a week & 'know her' so I'm losing before I've even started.
If they say there is nothing, then there is nothing. I hope and pray (and cry) most nights for my DD to have 1 friend at high school. It's 1 more than she has ever had.

I appreciate everyone's comments. I am going to take her to the dentist tomorrow, talk to the dentist about slowly slowly, show DD that is doesn't always hurt etc, reward if behaviour is good, then carry on doin that every few weeks. I'm not going to get myself into a state or show her that either. I've took some great advice from here tonight, which I'm so grateful for

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Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 20:11

Andro we had a second opinion, and they stated that there is nothing there. Even though the first opinion was pushing for loads of assessments. I'm sick of fighting a losing battle with them. I have shown them reports from old school, doesn't mean shit. They said I have to treat her like I would do my DS. There is nothing wrong with DD. Hence why I don't pussy foot around her. I just get a bit of anxiety when it comes to dentist that I've had her in before. It makes my heart pound!

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notenoughbottle · 05/05/2016 20:26

OP have you heard of PDA? Pathological Demand Avoidance? It is on the AS. It really does sound like your DD has some kind of additional needs especially in regard to her social issues. As other posters have mentioned maybe try posting on a different board?

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 20:39

notenoughbottle OMG I could kiss you right now! HA! I've just looked it up. It sounds just like DD. Wow. I never knew it was even a thing. Thank you!! I'm going to take the website information aswell as her old reports (which I've just read through and it sounds like what the website states) to my GP and demand to be referred based on PDA. Thank you

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