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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel Dentist for DD

75 replies

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 16:56

We have a dentist appointment booked for tomorrow which will be her yearly check up. The dentist fills me with dread ever since DD was about 6. She can throw the biggest tantrums you have ever seen.
Dentist has always been fantastic with her, but DD doesn't even give it a try. She needed a filling and happily took the injections to numb her but when they came to do it WOW!! Dentist fingers were nearly bitten off, tools thrown every where, screamed so loudly even I was shocked it came out of her. The dentist hadn't even started doing anything. Then from there just down hill, she will get in the chair, she will answer questions and smile and act like a well behaved child, until they need to do something. Last year she did need a tooth out. They numbed her up (again fine. Even I screw my face up at the injections!!) and then they went to take it out. My DP walked out of the dentist with our DS as DD throw the biggest sh!t fit I have ever seen! She was screaming for me , I was holding her hand and was near her, she sounded like she was being murdered. Again, before anything happened! DD is going to high school soon, she has started her period and is a mature girl, is trustworthy and everything. Yet turns into a 3 year old when it comes to anything like this! (Doctors is another story too!!) I spoke to DD early and her reaction straight away was 'I'm going to kick off, you know that don't you?' When I tried explaining how things are to her, she started crying, threw a paddy and slammed her door. I can see it in her face that tomorrow we are in for it. She is going to cause a drama and it is so bloody embarrassing! Should I cancel the appointment and just leave her?

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 05/05/2016 17:25

I'd take her and let her go in herself and show her pictures of tooth decay and tell her fine cause a fuss but you will end up looking like this its up to her I would stop pandering and stop getting cross leave it in her hands

babyboomersrock · 05/05/2016 17:25

I swear she puts it on. She likes to see me embarrassed

It does seem odd that she allows the dentist to do the injections but won't sit still for treatment. Is there another adult (eg grandparent, aunt) who would take her?

Ideally, I'd say it needs to be someone she wants to impress - is there anyone she really respects and whose opinion matters to her? (it's another issue that she doesn't seem to respect you, OP - unless she really is terrified and only feels safe enough to act out when you're there?).

acasualobserver · 05/05/2016 17:26

Chloroform.

Dvallin · 05/05/2016 17:34

I must admit, I am projecting hugely here.

I hate the dentist.

I don't mind the injections into the gum, I quite enjoy the numbing effect.

But when they start work, even just scraping a tooth, the noise is amplified by about 500 times, and I can feel it right through my body.

Total panic, tears and everything, no matter how much talking to myself I do, or how ridiculous I know I look.

I am sedated even for hygienist appointments!

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 17:35

She's great at brushing her teeth, they are nice and white and look good.
I think Nan has given more than what she should, I've told Nan constantly but it means shit to her. But only have Nan to rely on. Most of my family are 4000 miles away!
DD has always been a drama queen. Always does things she shouldn't do, says things she shouldn't say.
Sorry for the rant!
I just wish I had a magic wand for DD. Not just for dentist but just her in general sometimes damn, bad mum over here

Thank you for all your replies. DD does ware me down somewhat!
DD IS going to dentist tomorrow. I'm going to call them to see whether I need to be in room with her or not, if not then I'll happily leave the area and go downstairs. Maybe tell Dentist to tell her off? Rather than me doing it?

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/05/2016 17:40

A good hard spank!

I'm joking sort of

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/05/2016 17:41

It's not the dentist's job to tell her off!!

Nanny0gg · 05/05/2016 17:45

Our community dentist (sadly no longer practises - she was wonderful) always banned parents from the room no matter what the treatment. She felt they made things worse. No arguments from me!

If you can't do that, then someone else needs to take her.

I've always had a dental 'phobia' and I struggle hugely with the injections, before they ever get to treatment. So I can see why you think she's trying it on.

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 17:45

DameDiazepam no it is not the dentist job, but as she doesn't clearly respect me, maybe being told of by the dentist if DD kicks of, may shock DD to think clearly.
Like telling children that if they do so&so, that policeman over there will tell them of for it. Same thing? Or was that just me that done that too
DD doesn't respect me, DP or Nan. I have NO ONE else that can take her in there, I'm not 100% sure whether they will allow me to not go in, a sharp shock from telling off from the dentist to behave (again IF DD does indeed carry through with her threat!) can not hurt surely?

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/05/2016 17:47

You're pussy footung around her,clear from your responses. Doubt the dentist will tell her off!

Buggers · 05/05/2016 17:48

I'd video her screaming and threaten to show her friends/teacher if she doesn't stop. I'm sure that would make her stop.

PotteringAlong · 05/05/2016 17:50

Then if she bites the dentist call the police. It's assault. Maybe a caution will shock her into behaving.

LaurieFairyCake · 05/05/2016 17:52

Well this is what I'd do. If I picked a battle (and I'm not sure I would with this one - her teeth, her problem - there's fuck all wrong with her so she'd have to live with the consequences if it was me and get her teeth sorted later)

But you've picked this battle so this is a possibility on how to win it.

Take kid to dentist. Moment she kicks off remove her and take her home saying nothing to her.

Remove everything from room she cares about - even if she doesn't care remove it anyway.

Boring food. No TV. No internet. No play dates. No activities.

No nothing until she agrees to go. No discussion once you've stated that. If she kicks off ignore and walk away - it sounds like she's managing to get away with being dramatic.

Once she's agreed to go. Yes, she will. But you have to NOT engage.

You take her. If she kicks off again you take her home and repeat.

NO engagement at all.

You will win. You won't if she thinks she can run rings round you.

But do consider not taking her and letting her live with the consequences til she grows up a bit.

for you

Buggers · 05/05/2016 17:53

If she does kick off do NOT react to her whatsoever however if her brother is getting check up the same time make a huge fuss how good he was / get him some small reward and just make no comments at all about the dentist to your dd. If she wants attention don't give her any.

IceMaiden73 · 05/05/2016 18:01

Definitely don't cancel, that is just teaching her that is she has a big enough tantrum she can do what she likes

I would get someone else to take her, or ask her dentist how he thinks it is best to handle it

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 18:02

Thanks Laurie Just told DP about what you said, it sounds familiar to what we have done before. Except last time she didn't have a phone/laptop to take away, we only allowed her one at Xmas, so with phone being taken still, laptop is her life.

Buggers we do that a lot with DS when DD has kicked off. It works sometimes, she can seem to blank out what she doesn't want to hear/see.

No matter what I do with DD, how I raise DD, how I punish & praise her, Nothing every changes. I'm def more hard on DD than I would like to be, but it's as if she enjoys it some how. I suppose the background on DD is for another post

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 05/05/2016 18:04

The thing is, she can do what she likes. The dentist will respect her bodily autonomy as a health professional and not carry out treatment on her if she doesn't consent.

At some point (maybe she's a bit young but only a tiny bit) you have to make the change as a parent to letting them live with the consequences/learn from their mistakes.

Bloody difficult though that is.

Witchend · 05/05/2016 18:07

I hate the dentist.

However it really sounds like she is putting it on from her comments.

Dd1 panics at the dentist. Only place she does. She's saying beforehand can you help me, it won't hurt etc. She's bad enough (age 15yo) for the dentist to talk about her needing a general if she needs anything more doing. Not because she's stropping, but she goes white, shakes and isn't coping from before she gets in.

If she said that she was going to kick off I'd give her short shrift.
I sympathise with her beforehand, but she knows once in I do get quite strict with her. I tell her she can manage, yes it isn't nice, but if we get out without having it done properly we have to come back and that will be worse.

Buggers · 05/05/2016 18:11

I'd still video or record her having a hissy fit though surely she would be worried you would show her friends? Then she may stop as soon as she see's you with phone out? If not I'd just ignore her and if possible wait outside. How old is your ds is he much younger?

HPsauciness · 05/05/2016 18:18

Have you considered she has a dental/doctors phobia now?

They don't just come on at age 16 and they can't be 'cured' by a good talking to/punishment/losing stuff.

She does sound a bit dramatic though, and I can see why you might think there's a performance aspect to this as well, but if she's prepared to lose a phone and laptop time, then perhaps it is not rational and is a phobia which is now pretty much out of control and needs to be considered in that light.

I can't tell though from what you've said.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2016 18:29

I feel for you op, but goodness I feel sorry for dentists. All they want to do is get on and do their job, but they seem to be constantly expected to pacify/tell off/reassure.,I couldn't be arsed with it. Nobody likes going to the dentist, nobody. It hurts and is unpleasant. But for the dentists sake, you need to suck it up.

RhiWrites · 05/05/2016 18:57

Here are some ideas:

Before the dentist take her to a field away from people and tell her to scream as loud as she can. Get it all out ahead of time.

Tell her that behaving this way is rude and embarrassing. And that if she does you will be equally rude and embarrass her in front of her mates. You can do this by either screaming and shouting yourself or videoing her and showing it to people. This is ONLY if she is doing it to act out and NOT if she is genuinely frightened.

Take her to a behavioural counsellor and get them to work with her on how to calm down.

Bribe her with £10 for behaving well. Then give your son £20 because he always behaves well without having to be bribed.

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:00

HPsauciness her punishments are usually around phone/laptop. Even when warned before hand that that would be her punishment, she still does it. I know it sounds crazy, and I swear I punish and praise when it's needed, but it doesn't stop DD doing the things she does. Always been like it.

DS is 10 too. He is the opposite of DD. He is laid back, does as he is told, doesn't cause us many problems to be fair. He lost his priviledges for 4 days and didn't cause a drama about it, he accepted it and just generally carries on. DD is extreme compared to DS.

If DD had dentist/doctor phobia, I don't get why she would ask to go? She goes on & on about her teeth, they hurt, it's wobbly, 'when am I getting braces?' and if she is running a temperature or is sick/virus - she begs for a doctors appointment. It's like a glorified drama queen sometimes! sigh

OP posts:

Original poster

paperchase0verdone · 05/05/2016 19:02

Wish I could embarrass her back infront of her friends with video or just in general, but DD doesn't actually have any friends to speak of to do it too.

OP posts:

Buggers · 05/05/2016 19:04

how is she at school? Is she quite confident?

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