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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder what the hell I did?

71 replies

inlovewithhubby · 05/05/2016 14:24

Bit of back story. I took vol redundancy after going back with both girls. It was by choice but I had returned after my second to find my job given to a bloke so it was a bit of a push too. Took ages to 'grieve' my working life, and I was quite lonely just with my two under two so tried to break into mum groups. Toddler group in next village was quite cliquey, but I volunteered, helped with toy cleans, helped organise fundraisers etc, and was welcomed by some. It was bloody hard work though. Ended up starting a toddler group closer to home instead which is much friendlier and more welcoming.

One woman at that group was always sour faced with me. She had also given up work recently so I presumed she was dealing with her own shit or busy with her kids or just not particularly sociable, though she was very sociable within her small clique. I see her regularly in passing on school runs but it's in a group and often acknowledge group as a whole or chat to another mum. Saw this girl just now when with my youngest near shops and said hi - and she literally just blanked me. There is no question she saw me as we made eye contact and she then made a sour face and walked on. I may have laughed off but my daughter said 'why didn't she say hello mummy?' and I had no answer! I'm pretty thick skinned and know I won't be friends with everyone but I'd never be impolite and this feels awfully playground. On period so perhaps a bit emosh and overthinking it, but aibu to think I don't deserve such bloody unprovoked rudeness?

OP posts:

TradGirl · 05/05/2016 16:40

A parallel universe thread. Yes of course she was rude. Childish too.

If I really detested someone and they were inconsiderate enough to greet me I would give them a thin lipped, passive aggressive smile and avert mine eyes. It says so much more.

DotForShort · 05/05/2016 16:42

Some of the replies on this thread are rather bizarre. Of course it is rude to ignore someone who says hello to you. And it is human nature to wonder why someone would be that rude.

Is it possible that she didn't recognise you, OP? Some people do have "face blindness." The late Oliver Sacks wrote about his own struggles with recognising people, even those he knew extremely well.

But maybe I'm grasping at straws! If it's just a case of rudeness it is her problem, not yours.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 05/05/2016 16:42

Them's some strange responses you got here OP. MN gets stranger every day....

Original poster

inlovewithhubby · 05/05/2016 16:44

It's crazy though!! I don't want to live in a world where you have to be scared about saying hello in case you accidentally throw a spanner in someone's plan to deliberately ignore you because of imagined wrongdoings about which you have no clue. It's stuff I remember from being about 12 and even then it was immature.

Playduh, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain, I was there about 3 years ago and it's awful. But it will get better. I went to loads of activities just to get out and to get the kids (and me) socialising, but some of the groups were bloody painful, especially when your self confidence has taken a hammering and you feel you have zero of interest to say. But do persevere, the more groups you go to, the more chance you will find people you connect with. I eventually made some fabulous local friends and we made a large local supportive network to call on. It will happen, give it a chance.

OP posts:

Original poster

inlovewithhubby · 05/05/2016 16:47

By the way, not recognising not a possibility, we were on the same toddler group committee for over a year...

OP posts:

readytorage · 05/05/2016 16:55

ok gobby you're "secure"

I've come across "secure" people like you before and that's not generally the word used to describe them.

Kudos to you though on having really odd views about civility

pippishortstockings · 05/05/2016 17:02

@ ready. -you got it just right!

Thurlow · 05/05/2016 17:03

This thread is hilarious

OP, YANBU. Even if you don't want to stay and chat, the polite, mature and adult thing to do is at least do that sort of quick nod-smile that acknowledges the other person exists while still walking on!

PastaLaFeasta · 05/05/2016 17:23

I'm socially weird and awkward to people unless I know them well. I've had people say hello etc and I can't speak, sometimes I manage to smile and wonder if that's enough or rude. Often I'm just not expecting it or haven't recognised them in time (also need glasses) and then they've walked past and it's too late. I don't often say hello to people I've spoken to before because I don't know if I meant to as I end up saying it every day, twice a day to a number of people. It's like there are rules I just haven't been told about. I also like keeping myself to myself and could see people may try to be nice and chat, I hate small talk as I know I sound stupid and am particularly bad if more people joined and it becomes a group. Nightmare.

FatherReboolaConundrum · 05/05/2016 17:37

YANBU OP.

I had this happen to me - on the committee of a community group with a woman who was very friendly and chatty, right up until the point when she decided to never acknowledge me again. If she passes me in the street she'll look right through me; on one occasion we were sitting in the same row of seats in a hall with only one person between us and she still completely blanked me.The only possible explanation I've ever come up with is that I offended her by not replying to an email she sent me - my dad had just dropped dead unexpectedly and I was a little preoccupied trying to support my mum and arrange the funeral, but obviously that wasn't nearly as important as her email . I used to give her an extra big grin when I saw her, to wind her up, but I can't be arsed any more.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 05/05/2016 18:03

Not saying hello to someone who hasn't committed any crime against you is rude. Mind blowing that anyone could think otherwise. Laughable.

SaucyJack · 05/05/2016 18:17

Yes, she was rude- but that's her prerogative. She doesn't like you for whatever reason, and feels strongly enough about it to ignore you in public. Her choice.

Stop saying hello to her. Everyone's happy.

WhereInTheWorldToNext · 05/05/2016 18:19

Jeez!

Ern OP there is clearly no accounting for weirdos and judging by this thread there are more than you'd imagine...rest assured you are neither prikly or paranoid

MintyChapstick · 05/05/2016 18:23

Saying Hello to someone who's greeted you is just common courtesy.

Ladybirdbookworm · 05/05/2016 18:30

This thread is hilarious

OP I'd say hello to you
Hope that doesn't make me 'insecure'

redexpat · 05/05/2016 18:39

Perhaps you bare an uncanny resemblance to someone who has wronged her in the past? clutches straws

WeAllHaveWings · 05/05/2016 18:42

I'm sure I have blanked people on many occasions - mind elsewhere, walking past and brain doesn't engage hearing the hello, hear the hello but cant work out if its for me, see someone out of context (know from school and not expecting to see them at theatre) and don't recognise them until I've walked past.

I wouldn't take it personally if someone blanked me until I knew there was an actual issue.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 05/05/2016 18:44

I always worry that I will get into a conversation if I acknowledge people I don't particularly know or like so I generally don't bother.

And I know it's rude but no ruder than some random striking up a convo.

Maryz · 05/05/2016 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 05/05/2016 18:52

It is rude not to greet someone if they say hello. Totally different from not greeting someone who also doesn't greet you.

One of my friends thought for ages that I didn't like her cause she would say hi and I would say hi but kind of blankly... I'm REALLY bad with names and faces and didn't recognise her properly (before we were friends!)

whatswhat · 05/05/2016 19:20

Although I agree that it's might be rudeness that causes someone to blank you after you've said hello, I'm also with pp who have pointed out that we don't know what was going on with her at that moment in time. She might have social anxiety, she might have just found out that a close relative is at deaths door, you might remind her of someone who did something awful to her and therefore triggers bad memories, she might have poor eyesight, she might etc etc. As none of us know what is going through another persons mind at any point in time, unless they directly tell us, I always find it best in these situations to give benefit of the doubt and just let it go.

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