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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is really condescending

40 replies

DaniBubbles · 05/05/2016 07:02

"be a good kid"

For context, I am late 20s and my cousin is 21. We don't see each other all that often but when we do, this is his choice of words towards me.

Yesterday I was round at their house, general chit chat about how work is going etc and as time went on, I got up to leave saying I was going to get some sleep before nightshift That's when he pipes up "yeah, you should run home and sleep like a good kid"
I've never really addressed it in the past.. comments here and there like "haha my days of being a kid are long gone!" perhaps they were too subtle? Anyway, I couldn't keep it in and told him sharply to knock it off and that I find him calling me a "kid" to be really condescending and he needs to stop. His face dropped for a split second and he said "sorry but it's a compliment really" with a big smirk on his face.

I have no idea if he also says this to his friends or if it's reserved just for me but both he and his mother don't seem to think there is anything wrong in this.

Am I the only one who thinks his words are bizarre? Truth be told, it really makes me unreasonably angry and I'd just had enough. Angry

OP posts:
nobilityobliges · 05/05/2016 07:06

I think that now you've explained how you feel you should give him a chance to knock it off. Hopefully he'll stop now. If he doesn't then I guess just continuing to tell him to stop is the way.

whois · 05/05/2016 07:07

I'd see it as a term of affection if your relationship is otherwise good?

hairymelonwalton · 05/05/2016 07:13

massive over reaction unless he said it with a sarcastic tone, are you always easily offended

MattDillonsPants · 05/05/2016 07:16

To be honest OP...only someone who was a bit immature would be offended by this.

I say that as a 43 year old woman.

LavenderRains · 05/05/2016 07:16

My uncle always calls me kid. I'm almost 50 Grin
I think it's sweet, it's a term of endearment

IWILLgiveupsugar · 05/05/2016 07:19

Massive fuss about nothing imo. I'd apologise for being so snappy when no insult was intended.

EponasWildDaughter · 05/05/2016 07:24

You're late 20s and he's 21. He's not meaning it in a condescending way as he's younger than you! It's just a figure of speech. Like 'go girl', or whatever.

Nicnak2223 · 05/05/2016 07:24

Where are you from, all of my family Staffs up to Newcastle call me kid. I'm 29 married and have a son. Some of my family in staffs (stoke) often call people duck that's not an issue either!

CoolforKittyCats · 05/05/2016 07:29

Massive fuss about nothing imo. I'd apologise for being so snappy when no insult was intended.

^ this

ptumbi · 05/05/2016 07:29

So - a 21yo calling a say 28yo a 'good kid' is a compliment? Hmm

No, I don't think so. I wouldn't accept it from a friend, and (to me) a cousin is no more than a friend who has familial access to you.

Good for you for saying something OP. If you don't like it, you shouldn't have to put up with it. And that goes for anything, not just 'endearments'. Trust your own boundaries.

Original poster
DaniBubbles · 05/05/2016 07:30

We aren't that close, as I said we don't see each other that often.
I know the words themselves aren't anything to be offended by, it's the smirk that accompanies them (every. single. time.) that just grates on me. I have no idea why. Sorry to drip feed but he is often in the habit of inaccurately using long overly-complicated words when he talks to everyone. That coupled with calling me a "kid" just makes me feel like he thinks he has some sort of superiority over me.

Oh dear, I'm not painting a pretty picture of our "family dynamic" am I? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
DaniBubbles · 05/05/2016 07:31

I hadn't really thought about it as "a term of endearment" actually... perhaps it's the age thing. I wonder if I'd be quite so annoyed by it if it was someone older than me who said it. Now that I think about it, I doubt I would be.

OP posts:
228agreenend · 05/05/2016 07:33

It is a little condescending if it is accompanied by a smirk, as it implies that he is older and wiser than you.

However, it is accompanied by a smile, then it could be seen as affectionate.

It obviously grates on you, so I guess it's the former.

ptumbi · 05/05/2016 07:36

That's exactly it, Dani. If he was older than you, you'd just think it was his 'ways', or how 'it was' when he was younger. As he is younger than you, it is a put-down, definitely condescending. And you are quite right to put him straight - you don't like it.
I wouldn't mind someone calling me 'duck' if that was the style of their area, but to tell me to 'run along like a good kid' - is rude

giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/05/2016 07:38

I don't think it matters what anyone else thinks, or what they are happy to be called!

I think its ok not to like it, and its ok to tell him why you don't like it anf ask him to stop.

Perhaps getting snappy was a bit of an over-reaction that might noy have happened had you said something sooner, but we are all yuman and it happens.

None of us can guess whether he means to be condescending or just uses it as a turn of phrase. The key thing will be whether he shows you enough respect to stop it now you've asked him not to.

If he calls it you again just temind him that you don't like it and would appreciate it if he stopped. if he continues - he's the dick you suspect him to be!!

giantpurplepeopleeater · 05/05/2016 07:39

Apologies for spelling.... typing on phone Blush

LisaRinnasLips · 05/05/2016 07:43

Why are some posters relating it to (presumably older) uncles and what not?

He's 21 she's late 20s. I'd have told him to knock it off too.

Bailey101 · 05/05/2016 07:43

I wouldn't like to either - it is condescending, especially with 'good' at the beginning.

ProfYaffle · 05/05/2016 07:51

Do any of you live in the North West? 'Kid' is a term of endearment, largely used for siblings (as in Our Kid) but also used for friends. (Kid, Kiddo, Kidder etc)

hairymelonwalton · 05/05/2016 07:51

so he say' s it with a smirk on his face, well that changes the whole conversation
no it would piss me off but then anyone talking to me with a smirk on their boat younger or older would annoy me

Awalkinthepark1 · 05/05/2016 07:52

A big fuss about nothing I would say. You either like your cousin or you don't. I think families are sometimes a bit over familiar. Over reaction and now that you've told him you don't like to be spoken to like that he'll stop!.😁

Awalkinthepark1 · 05/05/2016 08:00

Over -completed words!. Are you saying that you don't understand what he's saying to you and that maybe this is another thing that annoys you!. Maybe he makes you feel that he's better than you or something!. Are you just a bit too sensitive.🤔

Inertia · 05/05/2016 08:05

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You've explained that you don't like it, so now give him the opportunity to stop. It isn't a compliment, you have nothing to apologise for.

OneMillionScovilles · 05/05/2016 08:16

I actually disagree with most PPs - I think it is condescending, but not specifically for the "kid" aspect. In this particular instance, it's more like he's calling you a goody-two-shoes for being responsible / wanting to make sure you're fit for work. FWIW, that'd piss me off too.

You say it's his standard turn of phrase though - are the circumstances usually similar? Cos I could be way off base...

Regardless, this is the crux (sorry, my phone doesn't want to let me copy verbatim):

  • You have used your words and told him to knock it off
  • He's "sorry/not sorry"-ed you, whilst smirking, minimised your feelings ("it's a compliment really") and doesn't outwardly seem to give a fuck that it bothers you.

If you give the first shit about someone and they tell you that something completely avoidable bothers them, you knock it off. Maybe in the moment he just felt uncomfortable or on the spot - but if he does it again next time you see him, you'll have your answer.

OneMillionScovilles · 05/05/2016 08:18

TL;DR: if there's another incident, DTMFA