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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby showers and infertility

40 replies

Tazzyduffy · 04/05/2016 15:16

My SIL is pregnant and having a baby shower (what in gods name is this nonsense...never encountered this before). I am currently TTC and have just been placed on waiting list for ivf. Understandably I am distraught at process and know our chances of success are low (I am 38).

I am struggling wigs the idea of getting through the baby shower and emotionally holding it together. Whilst I am delighted for SIL I don't feel that I am in a place to be part of the celebrations, I don't want to take away from her happiness, but sadly at the moment in my mind it is all about my own sadness and loss.

Am I being unreasonably to not want to attend? Should I make my excuses and not go or just be honest that I simply can't face this with everything that I am going through?

OP posts:

Toodlepip14 · 04/05/2016 15:18

Does your SIL and the other family members know that you are going through this process? If so, I'm sure they will fully understand if you make your excuses not to attend.

I've seen this before, and the lady whose baby shower it was was more than happy for the person not to attend (she had just had a hysterectomy, and even though she had three kids she was still emotional!)

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 04/05/2016 15:19

Of course YANBU. Don't go! Make your excuses and don't go. Your emotional and mental well-being is more important than attending a present and attention seeking party.

When we were TTC unsuccessfully I'd rather have died than attend one of these idiotic functions. Still wouldn't go to one now

Merd · 04/05/2016 15:22

It depends on your relationship, but I'd be gentle and direct and honest.

If you're up for it, arrange a cuppa with her beforehand where you take a small gift along in advance and say how sorry you are you can't take part like usual but you hope she understands, and it's nothing personal.

Alternatively have an unavoidable clash and say you really can't be there but you'd love to send a cake or something, and you're so happy for her etc.

An afternoon of everyone cooing over the future baby and giving gifts etc would have done me in before infertility, never mind now!

Merrida · 04/05/2016 15:22

And also - fingers crossed for your IVF.

Lottapianos · 04/05/2016 15:24

You're not unreasonable in the slightest OP. I have declined many baby showers over the years. My issue is ambivalence rather than infertility but on my bad days, I would still find it incredibly painful to attend.

If you think that your SIL will be supportive and sensitive, tell her the real reason you are declining. If you think there's any chance at all that she won't get it, then give her an excuse. Send a gift if you want to. Some people just don't get it and never will. Protect yourself. You absolutely need to put yourself first at the moment.

JewryMember · 04/05/2016 15:24

Dont go. It would be madness to put yourself through it.

hawaiibaby · 04/05/2016 15:27

Yanbu. The counsellor at our fertility climic specifically advised against going to baby showers! You need to look after yourself: Be kind to you, were her words I believe.

Good luck op and fingers crossed for you

ChristianGreysAnatomy · 04/05/2016 15:28

I had to host my friends baby shower in a similar situation. It was brutal. The thing is that ttc can take years and be very isolating - I imagine you know this - so even if it is painful you might decide to be involved rather than to absent yourself, simply on the basis that much as you might want to, you can't live in a baby-free bubble. It's hideous though - if you just can't face it, don't go and don't feel guilty.

StinkyMcgrinky · 04/05/2016 15:29

Definitely don't go. I avoided many similar events while we were struggling with infertility, I couldn't have coped with it. The people who mattered really understood and there was never pressure, after a while people would say I didn't have to come if I didn't feel up to it but they didn't want to not invite me.

Stay at home or plan a nice trip out with your DH.

Fingers crossed for your IVF it took us almost 6 years and 3 rounds of IVF/FET to be blessed with our DS.

squizita · 04/05/2016 15:33

I had recurrent miscarriage and avoided this kind of thing when I was in the middle of it. I think anyone who knows will understand.

Aprille · 04/05/2016 15:35

I've been on both sides. And when I had my baby I never judged the friends I made through our infertility woes when they needed a little distance from my new-baby bubble.

Don't go. If your SIL already knows about your issues, then talk to her privately about why you cant face it.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/05/2016 15:37

No you don't have to go, just tell her that you cannot go and to enjoy herself.

AngelicaSchuyler · 04/05/2016 15:38

Another one here saying please don't go - we're currently gearing up for IVF no. 4 and I've declined numerous baby shower invites over the last few years. Echoing others - does your SIL know about your situation?

It gets to a point where you just have to take care of yourself and avoid situations that might cause you pain (god knows there are enough situations you can't avoid).

If it's being organised by a friend of a friend I don't know very well, I usually make the excuse of a diary clash; however if it's a close friend I'm normally open about the fact that it will be quite upsetting for me and they are usually very understanding.

I'll always send a present though, and if it's a close friend I do make an effort to go and see the mum-to-be on a separate occasion. It's much nicer to be able to catch up one-on-one rather than force a rictus grin and coo along as yet another babygro is unwrapped...

pearlylum · 04/05/2016 15:42

I wouldn't go to a baby shower under any circumstances.

Floggingmolly · 04/05/2016 15:43

I would refuse an invitation to a bsby shower on principle. Load of grabby nonsense.

CakeAndChocolate · 04/05/2016 15:44

Don't go. If you are able to be honest with the reason why then do so, if not just say you're sorry you are busy that day. Please don't put yourself through unnecessary heartache. In the nicest possible way, your SIL will enjoy it whether you are there or not.

My first son was stillborn and I haven't attended a baby shower since, I find it impossible to celebrate a baby before they have safely arrived. My friends have thankfully been understanding.

sharley1976 · 04/05/2016 15:49

Def dont go. When did everyone have to have a baby shower anyway?? No idea when they seemed to become compulsory? I had one friend whos sister organised one for her, then asked everyone to pay money to attend. Ridiculous!

heron98 · 04/05/2016 15:52

Your SIL is not a mind reader.

Just explain you don't want to go and why. I am sure she will understand.

Jackiebrambles · 04/05/2016 15:59

Oh god don't go, just make an excuse. I've had 2 kids and have never even attended a baby shower, they are a bit daft I think.

Best of luck with your ivf. My friend successfully conceived via ivf at 40 :)

BillSykesDog · 04/05/2016 16:02

Don't go. Be honest, say it's hard for you to deal with. But send her a lovely card and present. BTW I am pregnant with IVF twins at 37, so it does happen.

BillSykesDog · 04/05/2016 16:02

38 is not that old in the IVF scheme of things.

29redshoes · 04/05/2016 16:09

Not unreasonable at all!

Be honest with her if you think she'll be sensitive about it. If not, just tell her you're terribly sorry but you have an unavoidable clash.

nickEcave · 04/05/2016 16:17

Lots of people are quite ambivalent about babyshowers in general, myself included. My mum and lots of people from her generation think it is very unlucky to celebrate a new baby before he/she has safely arrived.

Pixienott0005 · 04/05/2016 16:31

She's invited you but surely she knows herself that it might prompt all of these feelings, but she has invited you I imagine because she doesn't want to be the one to exclude you. After all you'll be the babies Lovely auntie.

I would talk to her about it and explain that by going and playing baby games, measuring the bump and seeing all of this joy that you long for, but haven't yet got will make you feel sad. Explain it won't be an experience you will enjoy and you hope she can understand that.

Have you got a good relationship with her?

My brothers wife who was in the same position as you completely ignored me throughout my pregnancy, but constantly posted stuff on Facebook about the baby "her baby nephew" and what she had bought and how excited she was but we didn't see her for 6 months. She completely ignored us, said it was too much yet she showed such an interest in her status updates with no reference to either of us about 'her nephew'. That kind of attitude really hurt because she was delighted about having a baby nephew, like you say you are, but she had no regard for me and acted like I didn't exist. I understood her pain, but the way she went about things in my opinion was just wrong.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you've been there for her, touched base with her and have shown a slight interest in how she has been through her pregnancy, even a smidge of interest as much as you can handle, then I can't see what problem she would have if you decline the baby shower invite.

All the best with your IVF. Two of my mums best friends got pregnant through IVF at the same age you are, and it worked first time. There are lots of lovely success stories out there. Stay positive and good luck!

ParsleyTheLion1 · 04/05/2016 22:00

YA def NBU. Baby showers are utterly tedious. If on top of that they are heartbreaking too, then you have every understandable excuse not to go. If SIL is kind, she will understand

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