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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby showers and infertility

40 replies

Tazzyduffy · 04/05/2016 15:16

My SIL is pregnant and having a baby shower (what in gods name is this nonsense...never encountered this before). I am currently TTC and have just been placed on waiting list for ivf. Understandably I am distraught at process and know our chances of success are low (I am 38).

I am struggling wigs the idea of getting through the baby shower and emotionally holding it together. Whilst I am delighted for SIL I don't feel that I am in a place to be part of the celebrations, I don't want to take away from her happiness, but sadly at the moment in my mind it is all about my own sadness and loss.

Am I being unreasonably to not want to attend? Should I make my excuses and not go or just be honest that I simply can't face this with everything that I am going through?

OP posts:

katsopolis · 04/05/2016 22:19

YANBU.

Just explain it would make you uncomfortable, you wouldn't be able to enjoy yourself and you feel it wouldn't be fair on her and the other guests.

Are you able to be around her on your own- i.e. could you go say for a bit of a pamper just you and her to makeup for it? Or just send a present and a card.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 04/05/2016 22:44

YADNBU.

A close relative is pregnant, and with our fertility issues, I just cannot cope with it right now. I've had to distance myself to cope with it. Do whatever you need to to deal with this situation. It is okay to not be able to manage being put in a situation where you will have to be all smiles and happiness and coping with questions about your own situation (all those pleasantly inquiring, "how old are you children?"). Take care of yourself first.

Much love and best of luck with IVF.

Chocogoingcuckoo · 05/05/2016 05:37

Be kind to yourself, if you feel up to it go. If you can't cope with baby overload make your excuses, give it a miss and don't beat yourself up about it.

I went to my SIL's last week and it was good fun but wouldn't have even considered going a year ago.

toomuchtooold · 05/05/2016 07:12

Oh god no, don't go. And my advice would be, if your SIL doesn't currently know about your fertility issues, don't tell her, so that you retain the option to appear to be childless by choice if fertility treatment doesn't work out. Along those lines, if I were you I'd try and arrange an excuse for not attending the baby shower which is both flash and child-unfriendly: "oh sorry we can't go, we have really exclusive preview tickets for some piece of highbrow art and we're going up London for drinks and dinner afterward", sort of thing.

TimeforaDietCoke · 05/05/2016 07:23

YADNBU. Don't put yourself through it. I lost two pregnancies before having DS and declined invitations to baby showers; it was too upsetting for me. I felt I had to attend DSis's shower and spent the evening afterwards sobbing and drinking wine.

Good luck for your IVF .

MiaowTheCat · 05/05/2016 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Merd · 05/05/2016 07:29

"don't tell her, so that you retain the option to appear to be childless by choice if fertility treatment doesn't work out"

... Eh? With a family member? So from now on you wouldn't tell the brother either?

(Fair enough if that's how you feel about it I guess, but it makes it sound like you think infertility is something to be ashamed of and need to hide ... Which I think isn't true. Although I know everyone handles it differently.)

squizita · 05/05/2016 09:30

Fair enough if that's how you feel about it I guess, but it makes it sound like you think infertility is something to be ashamed of and need to hide ... Which I think isn't true. Although I know everyone handles it differently.

This.

There is so much stigma and ignorance around infertility and miscarriage and I would rather be open with those close to me, personally. I do this for myself and for those others who might be feeling awkward and silent not knowing how to talk about their pain. It also explains honestly and clearly why I chose at times not do do certain things, which helped friends and family avoid upset or asking themselves 'why isn't she coming to my party?'.

There's another issue which as a feminist (who was almost childless not-by-choice) I think is important - if we mix up the two, women who ARE choosing child free lives get offers of help and persuaded they want kids really because everyone thinks they're just covering up infertility, miscarriage or singledom.

Notonthestairs · 05/05/2016 09:50

Tell your SIL if you feel comfortable doing so - have an event clash if you dont or aren't feeling ready to have that chat.
Both of my SIL's were pregnant whilst we had treatment - they were absolutely lovely but I know that isnt always the case. Wishing you the very best.

LittleLionMansMummy · 05/05/2016 10:21

Yanbu. Depending on your relationship, I'd aim to be honest and say your intention is also that she can enjoy her happy day.

Also, fwiw my dsis conceived by IVF at 37yo - there is most definitely hope op. Good luck with it all

honeysucklejasmine · 05/05/2016 10:25

I didn't go to SILs baby shower for similar reasons. I had had a miscarriage and the shower was the same week as what would have been my due date. Her pregnancy was accidental and only a short time (1.5 months) after starting to date my BIL, so I had only met her a few times.

I don't regret not going. I would not have held it together, I know for sure.

I know her better now and have finally told her the real reason. (I said I was ill) She understands.

BarbarianMum · 05/05/2016 10:50

I avoid baby showers because I find them tedious and tacky. You have a much better reason so feel free to do so. What you tell your SiL depends very much on the nature of your relationship. If you are close, and tell the truth, it may be worth being clear with her that you do want to be involved with the baby once its here (if you do), or she may feel awkward about inviting you to future events.

Good luck with the ivf

toomuchtooold · 05/05/2016 11:44

I was open about my miscarriages and there were a number of people who as a result got very funny with me about baby stuff. If I'd not managed to have children then yes, I think I would have regretted being open - I would have found it a lot easier to style it out and get on with my life in a positive way. Of course I think that there is no shame in infertility but it does give people arseholes the chance to patronise and pity you.

toomuchtooold · 05/05/2016 12:08

Also with in-laws, it's not automatically a very close relationship but it's one you're going to be in for a very long time if not your whole life. I told friends about my MCs, some of them were awesome and are still friends, some were awful and I didn't stay in contact. But my SIL and I will be spending Christmases together till the end of time even though she reckoned I could avoid miscarriage by taking the right vitamin supplements.

specialsubject · 05/05/2016 12:46

presents for baby when it is safely arrived. Not due to primitive superstitions about luck, due to the small chance of a tragedy.

no, OP, why put yourself through this?

I hope you'll be getting presents for a safely arrived baby before too long.

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