To ask DH to take a bit of responsibility for his tiredness?

[rosettesforjill]

Apologies in the advance for the long ramble - if it doesn't make sense, I blame being very, very sleep deprived...

Our 18 month old DS often doesn't sleep very well. I still BF him to sleep, both at first putting down and during the night, where he usually wakes once, for anything from 30 minutes to four hours (!).

DH tries occasionally in the night when it's been a particularly long time, but that just results in DS screaming for me ("MAMMYYYYY! Milk! Yes please!" while in floods of tears - never one to let abject misery get in the way of good manners), even if it ends up just with me rubbing his back and singing him to sleep.

DS also wakes very early - around 5am - probably 30-40% of mornings.

I'm in bed by 10pm every night, as I know this is likely to happen. DH is not. He will sit downstairs until about midnight most nights playing on his computer games.

So here is the problem. In the morning, DH will invariably tell me he needs more sleep and so can't/won't take DS to play downstairs until his normal alarm time of 6:45. Between these times I'm generally desperately trying to get DS to sleep in our bed, which sometimes works but more often ends up with him emptying out all the clothes and shoes from our wardrobe, drawers and laundry basket, and all the rubbish out of the bin. I often end up in tears because I am just so exhausted by this point having been up in the night AND early in the morning while I can hear DH snoring in bed.

We both work. DH is the breadwinner by some margin and commutes, while I work from home three days a week; however, I will soon be starting a full-time job in an office (for a slightly higher rate of pay, but still not approaching what DH brings to the family). I am and will continue to be responsible for dropping DS off at nursery/childminder every day.

I feel a bit guilty about complaining about this because DH contributes so much more financially to the household, and so it is more important that he performs well at work as we couldn't do without his income. But AIBU to think that he could come to bed earlier and be less exhausted early in the morning to give me an occasional extra few minutes in bed? (With the added benefit that it might bring more opportunities for the sex that he constantly moans about not having enough of?)

First thing I would do is try to keep the little one up later (assuming he isn't already going to bed at 9pm!) and /or reduce his nap time during the day......I know that may seem unappealing as his nap time is probably the only break you get but it's worth a try to make him tired enough to sleep through.
Secondly I would wean him off the breast: you'll have to do it sometime and 18 months is as good a time as any. Once you've cracked this there is no excuse for DH to not share the night manouvers but you'll have to get into the habit of waking him up if he is such a deep sleeper. If DH refuses to do this then HIBU as there needs to be some co-opertation even if it's not 50/50.
As previous posters have said though, this will not be forever, it just feels like it at the moment but once things improve with DS sleeping pattern and you feel a bit less zombie like, I would have a discussion with DH about a compromise on bedtimes. Maybe try and find a boxset you can watch together so that a couple of nights a week you spend some time together on the sofa and go to bed together at say 11 as a compromise.

I recommend you read this article:
drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html
It really helped me re-frame how I thought about night-weaning and dealing with sleep issues without going down the controlled crying route.
As for the sex pestering, get a copy of Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Both of you should read it (if you're not too knackered)

See I've read that Dr Jay Gordon article before, and I wasn't sure if it was the right solution for us as DS sleeps in his own room, except for the early mornings where I can't face sitting with him in a chair as it gets lighter and lighter!

Thank you for all your responses and ideas - really appreciated.

Taking the bf aside, my stbx was like this, would stay up all night having some adult time to watch tv play games, and when the dcs used to wake up at 5 he'd turn to me and say I'm sorry I can't take them, I've hardly had any sleep, you must have had loads as you went to bed early.

No you fuckwit, you chose to go to bed really late and I was the reasonable one who acted like an adult and went to bed at a resonable time....but I'm a night owl blah blah, we both are but one of us has to get up. This is part of the. Reason we as separating.

What I got from the Jay Gordon article was that it's ok to set boundaries on what you're willing to do, something you can be consistent with, and then gently, but firmly teach them.

I used the principle to get my 10 month old to start to sleep in her cot and then later on to night-wean. She got it without too much upset and that was more protest than distress.

I hope you find something that works. Both on DS and DH. Your DH is being a twat. If he expects your DS to change his current sleep pattern, then why can't he?

Check his web history. Are you sure it's games he's enjoying? Does he 'play games' when you're up, or does he have to wait till you've gone to bed?

pamish obviously I can't be absolutely certain as I'm not there, but I totally trust him and have no reason to suspect anything untoward is going on! I have total access to all his devices and PC and he definitely has form for getting sucked in to his computer games

Why are there so many selfish wanker "D"Hs who would rather watch the mother of their children weep with exhaustion than inconvenience themselves even slightly? YANBU, OP. Your husband is a cunt.

I don't think this is a problem of who gets up and does what but more of making your life easier.
I would look at getting ds into a proper routine whereas when he wakes he stays in his own room and not yours.
Keeping lights and noise to a minimum and if continuing bf only being disturbed for this. Not as an excuse to play in the middle of the night.
Start immediately with small steps and it will be so much easier when you start your new job and your ds is getting a proper night's sleep.

I would night wean if I were you, and jointly sort out your DS sleep so both of you get a good night.

I would also reconsider how you regard your work and your husband's. 1/3 of us or more will divorce. You don't want to be looking back on fifteen years of you supporting and servicing your husband's career while you did all the shitwork so you couldn't progress in your own career. If you do separate you will need earning potential, a pension and money of your own. And if you don't separate, you will be in a more equal relationship.

provinciallady this new job is about career progression and has a great pension so I'm on with that aspect of things

Great! Well done.

I found night weaning difficult for 3/4 nights but found that a no-going-back stance worked best for my DS (and me) and it transformed our sleep.

It sounds awful, OP. But the answer is not for your DH to collude with you in spoiling your DS but rather for you to instill some discipline and routine in his sleeping patterns.

I also used Dr Gordon's Gentle Night Weaning when DD was about 17 months old. She was sleeping in our bed and still waking every 2-3 hours and I had enough. This method worked and within a week I was no longer feeding during the night. I breastfed her during the day for a further 6 months. There's no need to give it up completely if you don't want to.

I think YANBU - you are both working you need to take turns with the morning waking otherwise your resentment is going to continue to grow.