To ask DH to take a bit of responsibility for his tiredness?

[rosettesforjill]

Apologies in the advance for the long ramble - if it doesn't make sense, I blame being very, very sleep deprived...

Our 18 month old DS often doesn't sleep very well. I still BF him to sleep, both at first putting down and during the night, where he usually wakes once, for anything from 30 minutes to four hours (!).

DH tries occasionally in the night when it's been a particularly long time, but that just results in DS screaming for me ("MAMMYYYYY! Milk! Yes please!" while in floods of tears - never one to let abject misery get in the way of good manners), even if it ends up just with me rubbing his back and singing him to sleep.

DS also wakes very early - around 5am - probably 30-40% of mornings.

I'm in bed by 10pm every night, as I know this is likely to happen. DH is not. He will sit downstairs until about midnight most nights playing on his computer games.

So here is the problem. In the morning, DH will invariably tell me he needs more sleep and so can't/won't take DS to play downstairs until his normal alarm time of 6:45. Between these times I'm generally desperately trying to get DS to sleep in our bed, which sometimes works but more often ends up with him emptying out all the clothes and shoes from our wardrobe, drawers and laundry basket, and all the rubbish out of the bin. I often end up in tears because I am just so exhausted by this point having been up in the night AND early in the morning while I can hear DH snoring in bed.

We both work. DH is the breadwinner by some margin and commutes, while I work from home three days a week; however, I will soon be starting a full-time job in an office (for a slightly higher rate of pay, but still not approaching what DH brings to the family). I am and will continue to be responsible for dropping DS off at nursery/childminder every day.

I feel a bit guilty about complaining about this because DH contributes so much more financially to the household, and so it is more important that he performs well at work as we couldn't do without his income. But AIBU to think that he could come to bed earlier and be less exhausted early in the morning to give me an occasional extra few minutes in bed? (With the added benefit that it might bring more opportunities for the sex that he constantly moans about not having enough of?)

What anti BF brigade are you on about.

suggesting not feeding at night is hardly suggesting to not bf at all.

quite frankly if a child is only going to settle when bf then unless you have agreed to try and get out of the habit and stop the might feeding why the hell should both parent s get up when the other can't do anything. it's pointless if your just gonna feed him anyway.

milk or no milk it's AIBU and suggesting sleep training isn't U to sone of us

Tempting though it is, to tally up who is getting most sleep, the real problem is your DS' sleeping pattern. Even if your DH went to bed at 10pm and got up with your DS at 5am every morning, you would still be getting woken during the night and probably disturbed at 5am as they get organised to go downstairs. It seems as though you either need to try to drop the night feeds or/and have a better solution for when he wakes at 5am eg can DS play whilst you sleep beside him?

If, partly, this is about you wanting your DH to go to bed at the same time as you then I don't think YABU to ask him to give the games a miss and actually go to bed together at the same time. Make it clear it's because you're missing that time together.

Also disagreeing it's a bf issue. My DH will stay up late watching TV but that's his choice and his responsibility. You don't get to opt out of the night waking etc.

I went back to work full-time (albeit briefly) & occasionally I would hand a teething boy over at 2am because I needed to function too.

I'm still bf my nearly 2 year olds. In the last few weeks they've started sleeping through the night (unless poorly) or waking briefly and resettling themselves. It's great.

Thanks all. Point taken on board that the sleep needs sorting - I am aware of this! DS does sleep through a couple of times a fortnight so he is capable. However, Ferrerotoffeemint I think it's a little unfair to suggest that to BF my son is only my choice - he gets a say in it as well although I know I have the power to control/limit it.

Just to clarify, DH is most definitely not awake in the middle of the night, except occasionally when I ask him to. I know this because he snores like a train! He is also perfectly capable of going to bed a bit earlier - more than once he has actually fallen asleep playing his game so it's not like he isn't tired.

He is also very involved in looking after DS at weekends, takes him out, plays with him, feeds and changes him so he's not a completely lazy dad - I don't want to paint a terrible picture of him!

I've read people saying the feeding should stop at 18 months... Maybe I'm skim reading but that's the sense I got!

Sorry, that should be except occasionally when I ask him to help

I think your attitude to this is being skewed by the discrepancy in pay between your wage and your husband's. Actually, you should be thinking more about hours worked and the intensity/tiringness of the labour in qualitative terms. We all have normal, human limits - no-one can work days and days straight without enough sleep and not suffer impairment of their bodily and mental functions!! It is these that matter in a case like this, and not the more artificial 'uplift' caused by the fact that some kinds of activity are more valued, and thus attract higher wages.

If you are working 16 hours, and he is only working 12, you are actually doing 1/3 more hours than he is! Unfair! Also, if your work is more physical, and involves feeding etc., then that is also more tiring than sitting in front of a computer answering emails. (Similarly, if he were a builder lugging around heavy loads all day, he would need more rest than if he were a more sedentary office manager).

Believe - people were saying the middle of the night feeding should stop, not the bfing generally.

I'm not anti breast feeding at all - I fed my children until 18 months and 12 months, but the moment I stopped, they started to sleep through. It was their automatic response that if they woke, they needed a feed, so once the feeding stopped, so their sleep improved.

Actually I've gone back to check. The earlier replies said to give up BF. The later ones said give it up at night. So the earlier ones are the ones I took issue with!

I think once you get on top of the night time feeding requirements and the sleeping through the night/wanting to come into your bed jointly with you and your DH, that the rest of the issues will sort themselves out.

Could you start your DS on a sippy cup left beside the bed/cot with water in it? If he is only getting water in the night, then perhaps he will be less interested in waking up just for that. If he knows that there is the possibility of boob and milk still available he may be more interested in waking up and getting that instead.

All that said, you both (you and your DH) need to be on the same page when it comes to how you want to proceed with your DS and the night time issues you are currently facing.

Best of luck with it.

The trouble is that some babies do equate waking up with feeding and sometimes the only way to break that link is to stop BFing completely . Its not nice to have to do that if it is working in every other way, but the OP needs to work out whether it is more important to have unbroken nights or to still BF. She could express her milk and give it in a cup so he is still getting her milk, just not from a breast feed.

It may well do the trick as it sounds like it is the comfort he wants rather than the milk, given that he isnt always being fed.

YANBU, at all. DS is only six months and isn't the best sleeper and I'm up feeding a lot at night (I don't expect DH to get up and we rarely wake him). I'm on mat leave but DH knows how tired the broken nights make me and so tends to get up when DS wakes up and plays with him until he has to start getting ready for work. At the weekends he will tend to take him until his first nap so I get a ninety minute lie-in. As a result of this both me and DH go to bed earlier than we would ideally like so that we can function - on the occasions when we don't we just have to suck up the tiredness.

What really surprised me was that once I told my children "it's all gone" they forgot about it very quickly, certainly within two or three days. I would have stopped my 18 month old before then if I'd realised that.

Another disagreeing it is a BFing issue.

This is a DH issue. He needs to manage his sleep.

Not disagreeing that the DH needs to sort out his sleeping pattern, especially if he wants to play competitive tiredness because he is clearly going to lose!

But I do think that if the OP wants DS to sleep through she needs to consider how she can make that happen.

It's entirely between you and your DH how you feed your son. That's a separate issue. Your DH needs to realise that by helping himself and going to bed early, he's helping you too. If he was working much longer hours, then he might have a reason to go to bed late (especially if he was home late and needed to unwind), but it doesn't sound like that's the case. The amounts you earn are irrelevant.

To be honest, even if you really wanted to bf and your DH didn't want you too, I think it's be common decency for him to respect your wishes and help out when he can.

Rereading the OP, I think its the sex issue that would piss me off the most. He is moaning about the lack of sex but never makes an effort to be in bed at a time when you are likely to be awake and willing.......does he expect you to pop downstairs and service him while he is on his games?!

Haha bogeyface he wishes... He tends to pester me for it when DS is napping during the day, which is super annoying!

I think you are not being unreasonable in the least and think your DH should take a more active part in looking after your ds at night and in the morning so you both get sleep. How much he earns does not determine his value or mean that he is more deserving of fun evenings playing games and morning lie ins than you.

Do not assume, as some pp seem to that giving up bf will magically solve sleep problems. I gave up bf at 18 months and it made not a jot of difference to dd's sleep (I did have much less painful boobs though, which was nice). She was just a naturally poor sleeper and still wakes at the crack of dawn even now she is 4. DH and I work together to manage this and both make sure we get a lie in occasionally.

Oh god the pestering would put me right off too.

I did all the night parenting for the first couple of years and DH did the early morning wake ups so I could catch up sleep. After night weaning, we swapped - now he does night parenting (although it's only occasionally necessary), and I get up most mornings.

I think it's pretty selfish to expect one partner to do both jobs.

You can't force him to go to bed earlier but after a few mornings of getting up with your son, your partner should start getting tired earlier in the evenings. His body clock will adjust.

I think the two issues are separate.

If he's tired, he needs to go to bed. Of course, you can't police his bedtime but you can say to him that you expect him to share the early mornings regardless of how tired he is - especially if you're going back to full-time work. Maybe you could do three days, and he could do two for now, and then alternate when you go back to work. DS is his child too, he doesn't get to opt out of the early mornings because he'd rather play video games than go to bed at a sensible time!

DS's night-wakings are a separate issue, though. If you want to continue BF-ing in the night, you need to accept night-wakings as a part of that. But you could night-wean and see if that makes a difference - combine that with a slightly later bedtime and he might start sleeping until 6/6.30am if he's not in bed until 7. Or, if you still want to BF at night, then you need to accept you will get less sleep unless you express and let your DH do his share.

The pestering for sex would REALLY put me off and get rid of any sympathy I had for him, though.

believeit bit ott to call "anti breastfeeding". yes I gave my own example that weaning at 18months resolved same problem OP is facing - a very real problem and one in which the BF is clearly not helping anyone get a proper night's sleep. But you can hardly call someone who BFs till 18months anti-BF! Save your shock for something that deserves it.

Some toddlers are bad sleepers, it is exhausting and your DH is not doing his fair share. If you are doing all the night wakings he should help with at least some of the mornings. Staying up playing computer games and being unable to wake up to look after your DS is irresponsible.

As for the role of bf in all this I think the answer is complicated. I night weaned my DD at 2yo from bf. I used the Dr J Gordon method but took it a bit slower. It worked really well, she had 2-3 unsettled nights at each new adjustment and then pretty soon as sleeping through. However, I optimistically tried the same method with my DS at 16mo and 4 months later he is still screaming in the middle of the night for bf. If I were you I'd try some gentle weaning solutions (No Cry, Dr Gordon) and see what happens. Hopefully they will work. If not another option is to go to the other direction, co-sleep and just let him bf whenever he wants while you sleep.