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AIBU?

Which child is more unreasonable

172 replies

80schild · 02/05/2016 21:16

For the past week I have had my boys with me quite a lot. Eldest is 7 (only just). Youngest is 5. Both are quite strong and I would say don't know their own strength.

5 yo has taken to jumping on DS1 back. He does it a lot throughout the day. In his mind he is playing with DS1. DS1 hates it and I have heard him at various points trying to get away from DS2 but DS2 keeps on jumping on his back.

Yesterday in the park it started up. DS2 joined in as his friends were there. However, it finished with 3 boys on DS1. I think he was quite frightened so he bit the first person on top of him on the leg - just so happened to be DS2. DH gave DS1 a huge bollocking about not biting and fair fighting, and said what he did was far worse than what DS2 had done. Personally, I had more sympathy with DS1 having 3 kids the same size as him on top of him.

This evening DS2 jumps on DS1 again. I heard DS1 say 'get off me' which he clearly didn't. DS1 wrestled DS2 to the ground and started twisting his arm behind his back.

I could hear DS2 say 'you're hurting me'. At this point I intervened and went slightly mad and gave both of them a punishment. They both cried.

DH thinks I was too harsh on our youngest, as he had never actually really hurt the eldest and he thinks it is playful.

I just see that DS1 us getting increasingly upset and wants to be left alone.

They have both been given numerous warnings about fighting and what will happen if they seriously hurt one another. A lot of the time I am quite calm about it but today I did go mad. The message just isn't sinking in particularly with DS2.

Was I unfair to DS2 for giving him the same consequence as DS1. I am just feeling it needs to stop otherwise I will end up at A&E. Please give me some sanity.

OP posts:

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BarbarianMum · 02/05/2016 21:41

It doesn't matter if it is "playful" if the other person doesn't like it. He doesn't like it.

neonrainbow · 02/05/2016 21:42

You're also letting down ds2. If you don't enforce the rules how will he learn it's not acceptable to jump on people who don't want to be jumped on? He's only 5 and nobody is reinforcing any boundaries. It shouldn't have been allowed to get so far that ds1 was biting but at 7 i agree he should have been punished for biting.

80schild · 02/05/2016 21:42

Whenever I see DS2 doing it I pull him off. He has had loads of warnings about it from me. Please don't keep on talking like I am abusing my child - I kind of came here for support and maybe a strategy not a bollocking.

OP posts:

Idliketobeabutterfly · 02/05/2016 21:42

Your DH thinks this is normal? Tbh one day he'll do it to someone who isn't his brother and won't like the response.

exLtEveDallas · 02/05/2016 21:43

DDs best friend has a younger brother who does this sort of shit and parents who constantly let it go because 'he's only young" and "he's only playing". She is forever complaining about him and has started calling him "The Favourite" .

One day he hit her across the back of the legs with a skipping rope but her mum told her that "it can't have hurt that much, he's only little" and didn't tell him off at all. Later on he whipped my DD with it across the stomach and I went BALLISTIC at him. I swear it was the first time he'd been told off.

Funnily enough DD doesn't see that friend much these days.

EweAreHere · 02/05/2016 21:43

Was I unfair to DS2 for giving him the same consequence as DS1.

Yes! To DS1!

DS1 has every right to be left alone and not jumped on and pummelled by his brother. DS2 is 5 which is old enough to know better and face the consequences of his actions.

You owe DS1 an apology for not sorting out DS2's behaviour towards him.

Idliketobeabutterfly · 02/05/2016 21:43

I think you need to move from warnings to punishments tbh. Seems that warnings aren't working.

BathshebaDarkstone · 02/05/2016 21:43

DS does similar things to DD. Telling him off makes him do it more, completely ignoring him, taking a favourite toy away for a day and making a huge fuss of DD seems to work in the short term.

Hassled · 02/05/2016 21:44

Your DS2 is more unreasonable, apart from the fact that 5 year olds can't really help being unreasonable. Your DH needs to trust the fact that you've seen more shit than he has. But DS2 needs to stop - you need to come down on the back-jumping like a ton of bricks. Zero tolerance.

LouBlue1507 · 02/05/2016 21:45

Well instead of 'giving him loads of warnings' pull him off your DS1 and send him to his room! You should give one warning not warnings! It's no good if you don't follow through.

BoatyMcBoat · 02/05/2016 21:45

Sometimes, you just have to take over. These are children, and ds2 needs to learn that no means no.

Chottie · 02/05/2016 21:45

I just can't understand why you are allowing this to happen?!?

Tell your DS2 that he is not to jump on DS1 very firmly and mean it.

EweAreHere · 02/05/2016 21:45

Oh, and I also think you and DH owe DS1 apology for punishing him for biting DS2. He had THREE children on top of him. Even if they were younger, they would have added up to being a heck of a lot bigger than him and he was probably hurting and scared and you weren't helping him. I'd have bitten someone too if it was all I had left to defend myself.

Poor kiddo.

exLtEveDallas · 02/05/2016 21:48

If you want suggestions, I'd suggest that DS1 gets to play with other kids his age without DS2 being there...and maybe instigate some play dates for DS2 with kids his own age as well. They obviously need some time apart. The way things are at the moment you risk them falling apart completely.

DoJo · 02/05/2016 21:48

How did it get to the point where 3 children had jumped on your son and he had to deal with it himself? And why on earth was your older son punished for trying to stop this when the 2 (?) adults he was with were letting it happen?

BYOSnowman · 02/05/2016 21:49

So ds1 does it too but to a lesser extent?

If dd does these things she gets told off and she pretty much knows not to do it again. I have had to speak to ds about modelling good behaviour though as dd totally adores him and will copy everything he does - so often the thing that she is doing that annoys him is something he has done either to her or a friend.

Often the youngest doesn't understand the boundaries of the game which the eldest seems to enforce!

FuzzyOwl · 02/05/2016 21:51

You really do need to do something about DS2 doing this and remember, it may well be the cause for him being excluded from future class parties etc if you don't - he won't understand why this is because his behaviour is condoned by his parents, and he will be really hurt and upset.

BarbarianMum · 02/05/2016 21:51

I don't want to make you feel bad. I have 2 ds myself with a similar age gap and I know how it can be.

BUT your ds2 doesn't listen to his brother when he says no, and he doesn't listen to you. The time for 'warnings' is past, now is the time for consequences.

80schild · 02/05/2016 21:51

What consequences would work. Yesterday when I got the truth out of DS2 about the chronology of events he burst into tears. Today when I screamed at him - he burst into tears. It just doesn't seem to stick for that long. DS2 has a really short memory.

OP posts:

Permanentlyexhausted · 02/05/2016 21:53

Like Witsender we have a 100% consent rule in our house. There's maybe not quite as much wrestling with a boy and a girl, although enough to warrant a trip to the fracture clinic recently!

No means no and when someone asks you to stop doing something to them, you stop.

ChicRock · 02/05/2016 21:53

You need to teach your son that no means no. Mean it and reinforce it, not just passively watch as he and 2 other kids jump on your son.

Idliketobeabutterfly · 02/05/2016 21:54

I'd remove whatever toy he holds most dear for a set period of time for first infraction, double on the next, double on the next etc etc. If he carried on while it was removed I'd remove something else. Maybe I'm mean but shouting and warnings don't seem to be working.

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Moreisnnogedag · 02/05/2016 21:54

Why haven't the two of you, (you and DH) stopped this? You say you can hear all of this going on? Why on earth did you not step in each and every time?

NannawifeofBaldr · 02/05/2016 21:54

80sChild I think that this line is why you are getting a hard time:

"In his mine he is playing with DS1"

No, it's not. He's 5yo, not 2. He knows fine this hurts and distressed his brother. The reason he hasn't stopped yet is that his parents aren't making it completely clear that this is totally unacceptable.

What happens if he jumps on a smaller kids back at school and hurts them? Seriously hurts them?

And he could.

I know that he's your baby, but is isn't a baby. He's 5. Plenty old enough to stop when he's told.

You need to speak to your DH about how dangerous this is and properly put a stop to it.

Poor DS1

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 02/05/2016 21:54

How bad does ds2 need to hurt ds1 before you do something? Cricked neck, broken arm? Be a parent and deal with ds2.

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