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AIBU?

Which child is more unreasonable

172 replies

80schild · 02/05/2016 21:16

For the past week I have had my boys with me quite a lot. Eldest is 7 (only just). Youngest is 5. Both are quite strong and I would say don't know their own strength.

5 yo has taken to jumping on DS1 back. He does it a lot throughout the day. In his mind he is playing with DS1. DS1 hates it and I have heard him at various points trying to get away from DS2 but DS2 keeps on jumping on his back.

Yesterday in the park it started up. DS2 joined in as his friends were there. However, it finished with 3 boys on DS1. I think he was quite frightened so he bit the first person on top of him on the leg - just so happened to be DS2. DH gave DS1 a huge bollocking about not biting and fair fighting, and said what he did was far worse than what DS2 had done. Personally, I had more sympathy with DS1 having 3 kids the same size as him on top of him.

This evening DS2 jumps on DS1 again. I heard DS1 say 'get off me' which he clearly didn't. DS1 wrestled DS2 to the ground and started twisting his arm behind his back.

I could hear DS2 say 'you're hurting me'. At this point I intervened and went slightly mad and gave both of them a punishment. They both cried.

DH thinks I was too harsh on our youngest, as he had never actually really hurt the eldest and he thinks it is playful.

I just see that DS1 us getting increasingly upset and wants to be left alone.

They have both been given numerous warnings about fighting and what will happen if they seriously hurt one another. A lot of the time I am quite calm about it but today I did go mad. The message just isn't sinking in particularly with DS2.

Was I unfair to DS2 for giving him the same consequence as DS1. I am just feeling it needs to stop otherwise I will end up at A&E. Please give me some sanity.

OP posts:

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Coldtoeswarmheart · 02/05/2016 21:27

DS2 is most U.

My DS (7) is heartily sick of DD(3) starting fights all the time so now knows that we're OK with him pushing her away if we're not around to intervene straight away. She has to learn some respect about not touching him when he doesn't want her to.

Bagatelle1 · 02/05/2016 21:28

Please please please properly support your DS1. He has clearly stated that he does not want DS2 jumping on his back. DS1 is taking matters into his own hands as you are not controlling DS2. This will only escalate if you do not deal with it firmly now.

RandomMess · 02/05/2016 21:28

I am the younger of 2 siblings and I still think your DS1 needs your support. DS2 needs to be told jumping on DS1 is not acceptable!

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 02/05/2016 21:29

As others have said, why on earth haven't you stopped DS2 jumping on his brother?

BoneyBackJefferson · 02/05/2016 21:31

you and your DH are BU, for not stopping this.

Your eldest has said no, what more do you need to know.

(If your DH doesn't support you in this HIBU)

80schild · 02/05/2016 21:32

Clearly we back him up when we are there but it is difficult to police them 24 hours a day.

DH sees it is wrestling that all boys do. He says that him and his brother used to do it. ,Up to a point i agree with him. TBH it is quite recent. I have been taking a no tolerance approach to it since I realised how much it upsets DS.

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BabyDubsEverywhere · 02/05/2016 21:32

DS1 is not at all unreasonable, he gave fair warning. DS2 is massively unreasonable, but you and his dad are basically telling him its okay to torment his brother!! ffs! Stop being so ineffectual - apologise to DS1 and stop DS2 from doing his head in!

SavoyCabbage · 02/05/2016 21:32

I don't see how your oldest was being unreasonable in any way. I can't imagine being in my own home with someone physically interfering with me all the time.

Idliketobeabutterfly · 02/05/2016 21:33

DS2 got what he deserved tbh. I really feel for DS1.

Alexa444 · 02/05/2016 21:34

DS2 needs to stop. His brother is fed up, quite rightly.

witsender · 02/05/2016 21:34

We have a 100% consent attitude here. Even if they are touching the other affectionately if one says no it stops. Same with play fighting, it is an important lesson. Evern if it is just play, why should he have to put up with being treated like that?

SavoyCabbage · 02/05/2016 21:35

You police it by coming down on him like a tonne of bricks for doing it if he does it after he's been told not to. Like you would if he enjoyed playing with matches.

RainbowJack · 02/05/2016 21:35

80schild You and your H need to talk about it and be united. He thinks the behavious is ok but when DS1 'wrestled back and pinned him, you bollocked him for it.

You DS2 needs to stop. and you and the father need to get your act together.

bialystockandbloom · 02/05/2016 21:35

Yes I agree with all pp, ds2 is BU and definitely old enough to know this behaviour is not on, and you/dh need to get a handle on this.

Idliketobeabutterfly · 02/05/2016 21:35

DH can get all three on his back next time... See how he feels. Also as he is larger he can have DS1 on there too.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 02/05/2016 21:35

Well it appears you DO need to police it 24/7 so I would take ds2 with you to the kitchen when you're preparing dinner etc.

CalleighDoodle · 02/05/2016 21:36

'At this point you intervened'?! Wtf?! You should have intervened as soon as this started happening. Protect your child.

80schild · 02/05/2016 21:36

I think everyone assumed they were playing as they had been laughing and giggling a minute before. DS1 had been doing it as well to the other kids.

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Maryz · 02/05/2016 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sizeofalentil · 02/05/2016 21:37

I feel sorry for DS1 - he is being attacked and being punished for fighting back. DS2 needs to learn that if someone doesn't want to play rough games he needs to respect that.

228agreenend · 02/05/2016 21:38

You admit that you know DS 1 doesn't like but you don't prevent it. Ds2 should be discplined.

Arfarfanarf · 02/05/2016 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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BertPuttocks · 02/05/2016 21:39

"Clearly we back him up when we are there but it is difficult to police them 24 hours a day. "

By your own admission, you've only been stepping in once DS1 has retaliated - and then punishing DS1 for trying to get his brother off him. It doesn't sound like you're backing him up at all.

80schild · 02/05/2016 21:39

We hav been talking about it all evening. I he has been saying it is playful and that he hasn't noticed DS2 doing it. I have been with them all week and seen differently.

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CalleighDoodle · 02/05/2016 21:40

You teach you boys that no means no. You reinforce this every single opportunity you get. No means no. It doesnt matter if other people think it is acceptable, if ds1 has said no then it is only his opinion that matters. Stop means stop. No means no. It isnt difficult.

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