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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so hurt by my friends behavior

28 replies

Kiddiewinks2008 · 02/05/2016 19:28

Actually my best friend of nearly 20 years. She was single a long time- like a decade- and during that time was pretty much part of our family- rang me all the time- talked about everything with me - we were like sisters.
Then a year ago she met someone- was really happy for her- and that was it, have barely seen or heard fron her since. I feel like I hardly know her now and I am so hurt by it. Its honestly like she has vanished from my life.
And I dont know what to do really- like I said, she was like my family and I feel totally dumped.
Aibu to feel hurt and what, if anything, should I do?
I have tried suggesting a girls day but she wont do anything without the new boyfriend- I just feel dumped. I have lots of other friends and a big social network but noone as close as she was.
Do I just move on and put effort into other friendships instead?

OP posts:

Casmama · 02/05/2016 19:32

I can understand you feeling hurt and I would be a bit concerned that the new man might be quite controlling.
If you are confident that is not the issue then may be text and let her know that you miss her and would like her to make some time to see you. If this doesn't work I think you need to let it go I'm afraid.

Toffeecrispy · 02/05/2016 19:50

This happened to me and my best friend as well, worse thing is her bf treats her like shit. She stopped replying and talking to me on his request. I always wonder if shes happy and ever left him because 3yrs ago when we were in contact she was miserable.

Original poster

Kiddiewinks2008 · 02/05/2016 19:54

Toffeecrispy- did you ever say anything to her at the time? Or did you just move on?

OP posts:

19lottie82 · 02/05/2016 19:58

That's pretty shit of her OP. Obviously it's expected that people see less of their friends when they go from single to finding a partner, but to totally blow you out is really rotten.

If she split up with her BF, no doubt she'd come running back to you!

Should you reach out to her and be honest, or just move on with your other friends? Well that's up to you, no one can tell you the right thing to do.

Flufflepuff · 02/05/2016 20:00

... You could try reaching out and saying what you've said here?

AdrenalineFudge · 02/05/2016 20:06

If you were as close as you claim then why not give her a ring and explain how you feel?

GraysAnalogy · 02/05/2016 20:08

She's being a shit friend. I'm usually of the opinion that people need to learn to let go and that people drift apart when beginning their own families (or finding someone they hope to do this with) but you've stuck by her through all of her crap and now she's dropped you.

I'd say something to her. 'It's a shame we hardly ever see each other anymore, we were like sisters once. whats changed? surely theres time for a catch up every now and again'.

Remiggio · 02/05/2016 20:12

I read this & thought, 'I bet the bf is abusive/controlling'. Is reach out to her before you write her off

acasualobserver · 02/05/2016 20:13

I feel totally dumped

That's because you have been. Don't lower yourself by asking for the relationship back. Move on instead.

Original poster

Kiddiewinks2008 · 02/05/2016 20:15

I have tried to talk to her and I did tell her I missed her and wanted to see her but it was clear that boyfriend would be there too so I backed off. They are a 'we' and its like my friend has had a personality transplant- she used to be bubbly and vibrant but has become really passive. Its hard to explain- its like shes just not there anymore.

OP posts:

oneowlgirl · 02/05/2016 20:17

That's crap Op but if I were you I'd make it clear that you'll always be there for her but otherwise leave it at that & put your energy into other friendships.

RandomMess · 02/05/2016 20:24

Sounds like an abusive relationship from what you have said. Is it possible to invite her at a time he couldn't possibly come?

HarryDresdensLeatherDuster · 02/05/2016 20:25

Big alarm bells ringing there OP! Have you seen her in a relationship before? Was she like this or did she maintain her own life?

Longtime · 02/05/2016 20:27

This happened to me with my sil. She used to ring me all the time, came round every day, all day with her ds and dd during the half term and a lot of the Easter and Xmas holidays. I didn't mind as I know she had anxiety problems and wouldn't go out alone. However, she moved house, made some friends and started going out with them. Don't get me wrong, I was really happy she was getting better and to be honest it was sometimes a bit much that she was here so often but she dropped me like a hot potato! Her ds and my ds2 are best friends and so are our dds so we do see one another occasionally (her dcs always come here and sil doesn't drive so bil drops them off and picks them up usually without sil) but it's like we are practically strangers. She was the only family member not to reach out to me when my df was diagnosed with terminal cancer in February. She has mentioned it once in passing.

Longtime · 02/05/2016 20:29

Sorry OP, that doesn't help you though, does it? It just struck a chord. However, this does sound far more serious. I would be worried about her in that relationship.

mumcantmakeadecision · 02/05/2016 20:39

I had the exact same happen. Friends since we were 11. She was a weekly visitor. I supported her through loads. Never left her out. Then she got a bloke.
I didn't see or hear from her for 22 months. In 12 months I went through hell, 3 deaths in the family, 4 surgeries for my kids, husband lost his job. ...and loads more. She knew but never got in touch. Then he cheated on her the first person she called was me.
I told her to fuck off.
Might sound mean but it was weeks after another family death that she knew about and had ignored.

Slothlikesundays · 02/05/2016 20:54

See her with the bf then. I know it's not ideal but keeps you in contact and in a good position to offer support should he be controlling as pp have suggested.

eastwest · 02/05/2016 20:56

Something very similar happened to me. I had a friend who was single for a long time, she finally met someone, I was happy for her. She actually met him via me, we lived close by each other (university situation) though I didn't know him well or anything - really just an acquaintance. After they hooked up she would frequently travel up to visit him, stay long weekends literally round the corner from me, but not contact me at all either during the time she was there, or respond to me trying to contact her at other times. She dropped me completely and it was really hurtful. However I tried to understand because I knew she had been very insecure about being single and this relationship was important to her.
Then one time I met her boyfriend at a social event, which she wasn't at, and when he remembered who I was, he said, 'Oh yeah, your friend's really into me, she is,' and laughed. It was horrible. He seemed to just be interested in gloating about how obsessed with him she was.
since then, they'e split up and I am back in touch with her. I think that the truth is, she was just desperate to make the relationship work (even though he was not even close to good enough for her) because she felt so insecure about being single for so long. Probably a similar thing with your friend. If you can be kind and understanding enough to 'wait for her', that would be good, but I wouldn't blame you at all if you weren't.

gingerbreadmanm · 02/05/2016 21:02

The same thing has recently happened to me. My bf met someone just under a year ago. She has changed so much. It's really sad. She used to be so independent and strong i looked upto her for it. Now everything she does is at his beck and call and she asks him if it's ok for her to do things.

I know when people get into a relationship there's bound to be some big changes but sometimes it's just too much.

I do wonder if he'a controlling but i think she just loves him that much or at least i hope its that

Would you spend time with them as a couple? I know its not the same but im sure she misses you toom

PestilentialCat · 02/05/2016 21:13

The passive personality thing would worry me. I think he's controlling.

I think you need to keep communication channels open - one day she might really need you

TheAnswerIsYes · 03/05/2016 09:31

It doesn't sound like you are making him feel very welcome. They are a couple now so invite them both out.

HazelBite · 03/05/2016 09:45

It could be that all their socialising time is spent with his friends

herecomethepotatoes · 03/05/2016 10:52

I think the man-hating jumping to suggest he's controlling is strange but not unexpected here. There could be any number of reasons. Perhaps she simply just doesn't get on with the OP anymore. Maybe after the OP didn't want to meet up with the pair of them ie. not giving the boyfriend a chance, she's decided she doesn't need to deal with her immaturity and has taken the easier route.

I did tell her I missed her and wanted to see her but it was clear that boyfriend would be there too so I backed off

Perhaps not acting so childishly would help OP. I think it's okay to feel hurt at by her behavior but it takes two people to make a relationship word be it a marriage, friendship or anything else.

The passive personality thing would worry me. I think he's controlling.

Do you. Do you really. All of that based on the OP's friend no longer making time for her!

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 03/05/2016 11:04

I think it is important to remember what the reality of your relationship was - did she do thing with you and your partner/family and now you won't do the same? Did she have to fit in with your existing plans? Not trying to excuse her behaviour, as the perpetually single friend I regularly get dumped when my pals are in relationships, I'm just trying to understand.

Birdsgottafly · 03/05/2016 11:16

OP, I could have been your friend (if it is a abusive relationship).

My new Partner was amazing, he was everything I wanted and arranged, nights out, trips away, I was completely isolated, without realising it.

My friends gave up nearly a year in.

But that was when the cracks started to appear and if I'd have still had support from a friend, I would have found it easier to end it.

I would contact her one last time, in a "do you want a catch up" type of casual way, then leave it.

I think it's harsh to always put it at, "she'll come running back to you when it ends", type of way.

I can't believe that I was in the relationship that I was in, for six years, it's affected my children (lost me my friends) and two years out of it, I'm now going through therapy, for a type of PTSD.

I'm glad that emotional abuse, is now being recognised, in law.

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