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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still feel really bad about this

83 replies

Wetbankhols · 01/05/2016 19:57

About five years ago I had a group of friends.

I liked them. My husband hated them.

Then a lot happened at once, and we moved house. At my husbands urging I deleted Facebook changed my phone no and didn't contact them again.

Too much water under the bridge now but I still feel shit about it.

OP posts:
springtimevintagedream · 02/05/2016 07:09

Don't be nasty to her Hmm

One of us could easily wonder what the point of your post was!

OP, I think most of us understand that sometimes it's appropriate to go back to a situation and sometimes it isn't. I have friends who I had a very close friendship with and gradually lost touch and although we are Facebook 'friends' it's not as it was.

I think that the important thing here is that you try to address your own feelings and it might be that sending one of them a message explaining and apologising helps.

Have to agree the husband sounds like a controlling bastard though Wink Smile

springtimevintagedream · 02/05/2016 07:10

Not you, sorry, Gin!

GreenRug · 02/05/2016 07:12

I think the issue for the op is that if she were to send a message to these old friends she'd need to mention the reason why she went awol, but she is still married to the reason! So she knows reigniting the friendships is nigh impossible as he would presumably still tri to keep her away from them.

springtimevintagedream · 02/05/2016 07:14

I suspect that's correct GreenRug, which is really very sad.

SoupDragon · 02/05/2016 07:30

Honestly - I don't think they'd want to know. I don't blame them!

Then you have nothing to lose.

Honestly, I think I would rather keep them as a nice memory, at the moment anyway.

Except they aren't a nice memory as it makes you feel bad.

Egghead68 · 02/05/2016 07:33

Ditch the husband. Change your phone number. Don't contact him again.

Foslady · 02/05/2016 07:54

I have a friend on FB that never posts. She moved seriously away with her partner. I didn't like him but I kept it to myself. I would never delete her as I still wonder and worry about her today.

I'd love her to get in touch again

BathshebaDarkstone · 02/05/2016 08:06

There's no way I'd dump my friends because DH told me to. He'd be told to fuck off in no uncertain terms. Likewise the other way round.

echelon · 02/05/2016 08:44

You can't post an anonymous message to them on here, they might not be on mumsnet and if they are how will they know it's you?!

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and pick up the phone or message them on Facebook. I bet they'll be more forgiving then you think.

GinAndColonic · 02/05/2016 10:05

Foslady - send her a message on Facebook?

Foslady · 02/05/2016 16:49

Where they moved to doesn't have internet access Gin - European hillside farmstead type place with little if any amenities and last I heard they were staying for longer than anticipated. Won't do any harm to send though.......

nobilityobliges · 02/05/2016 16:56

Hm, if you actually feel bad about it the logical thing would be to contact them (on facebook since you know they're on there) and say so. Just explain the situation and apologise. That's the right thing to do, plus I bet they will take the initiative with reviving the friendship. There's no point posting anonymously on mumsnet and hoping they'll see it and know it's about them - they won't!

IamlovedbyG · 02/05/2016 16:58

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Original poster
Wetbankhols · 04/05/2016 19:35

I feel I definitely should move on, as they probably were secretly relieved when I left.

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 04/05/2016 19:38

Are you still with him? Many people have asked but I can't see where you have answered.

Original poster
Wetbankhols · 04/05/2016 19:40

Yeah, still together.

OP posts:
DoctorTwo · 04/05/2016 20:21

A friend of mine did similar about the same time as you. She deleted her Facebook and changed her number. If you're her I'd love to be in touch. She was lovely, and her child thought I was wonderful. All this happened not long after she got married. I didn't criticise her H though.

memyselfandaye · 04/05/2016 23:13

Has he isolated you from anyone else? Other friends or family?

Clearly he's a controlling bastard, but there doesn't seem to be any point in saying ltb, because you won't.

Contact the old friends via facebook, but be honest with them, you're married to a creep, he got you to cut all contact with them, so tell them that.

WhispersOfWickedness · 04/05/2016 23:20

Aww, this happened to me and a group of friends a few years ago, we had a lovely friend with a knobbish husband who moved away (not far) and then deleted us all from Facebook SadI still think about her occasionally and wonder if she's ok. I would love for her to get in touch again! Smile

ToffeeCrispy · 05/05/2016 01:53

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Feelingsolow12345 · 05/05/2016 02:57

I lost all my friends cause I had an abusive controlling ex and now I'm back friends with most of them 6 years down the line. so it is possible for them to still want to be your friends.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/05/2016 03:27

Soooo - really you're posting about your controlling husband, but you don't really want to face up to that, or the numerous posts that will then tell you to leave the bastard and get a life of your own?

Because otherwise, I can't really see the point of the thread either.

FWIW, I agree - he IS a controlling bastard and you may as well get used to losing the next set of friends as well if he decides he doesn't like them either; OR you could consider what it might be like to get away from him and actually be able to hang on to your friends, and see them when you like, and do what you like etc.

Thanks
BernardlookImaprostituterobotf · 05/05/2016 06:55

They won't know this is about them and it won't make you feel better. Your responses are garnering a few...more terse replies I think because when you get very ground down and think that negativity and passivity is normal life and that criticism is expected it can come across, out of context, as apathy rather than what it actually is.
And your responses aren't, I hesitate to say normal, what I would expect. Why would they be relieved you've gone? Because they supported you and you think you weren't a good friend? Friends support each other and if you know of a bad situation you don't get annoyed at the friend you get concerned and sad that they're in it and worry that they're alone.

It is never too late for an apology. It really isn't and people have recovered from worse places than the one you left your friendships in. But it doesn't have to be about going in with the pressure of pulling together all these relationships while you're stuck in a situation that makes friendships untenable, it just has to be sorry. Most people aren't like your husband. Most people who deserve to be called friends are kind, kindness includes honesty about bad choices sometimes because agreeing with something bad, normalising it, is not kind but it also includes a fair hearing and forgiveness. Maybe all you need is that right now. It would be one less stick to beat yourself with because even if you don't get a reply you've still been sincere and explained. For you as much as for them.

Then it's all about realising you aren't stuck. You aren't, there is always a way out to freedom. That's up to you though. You know he's controlling, you've lost people who made you happy, his reaction to criticism is telling, you've needed a fresh start but it's turned out not to be one I imagine?
It doesn't sound good really does it? Not coupled with how resigned to everything you sound. Some of your replies made me sad and I don't even know you. Still feel for you though, like your friends did.
I'll be honest, I've just deleted what I was going to post because it was all about things that might help you leave, then I realised you hadn't mentioned much about that other than a wry little comment to Imperial, it was because even reading the little titbits you've posted it didn't occur to me you wouldn't want to. Because I think anyone deserves better than the life a controlling spouse causes. Because I would want to. Because it's not ok.
If you don't want to is different from feeling you can't but there's support for you here either way. Even if you want to creep up on it, because of course it's common not to want to face up to something that feels overwhelming and often comes with a good dose of confusion and fear or anxiety. That might not be you or how you see yourself but it's a big expectation to have of an abused spouse right off the bat. You don't owe anyone a big epiphany - except yourself. Or even just a tiddly one. Or just some kindness actually, be kind to yourself, you've managed to be really critical here so maybe you can balance it out a bit.

Letseatgrandma · 05/05/2016 07:06

Blimey-why are you still with him?

Original poster
Wetbankhols · 05/05/2016 07:31

Bernard I don't know what to say in reply to that, other than it was a lovely post, a really lovely post, and I'm grateful.

Unfortunately a period of work stress when I knew them meant the last twelve months or so were me at my worst and I was whiney, stressed, upset, like I say they were really lovely people but I imagine the feeling was partly 'wonder where she is' but also partly 'thank god!' Grin and I don't blame them!

I need to focus on trying to sweep up the little bits of confidence I still have and trying to put them together into something and someone who is worth knowing and can do something productive. That's one of the things I've started to understand recently as something happened and I hadn't realised how low my self esteem was before it, but now I know where I am.

That makes no sense, does it? I mean that someone who had been really in loads of pain for years might know the pain was bad but it had become daily life? That's sort of my self worth.

OP posts:
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