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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh sister wants to bring partner to stay

55 replies

Unruly · 01/05/2016 15:42

AIBU. My oh sister wants to bring her boyfriend to stay,none of us have met him he's from America they met on Xbox. I have two dc and would never encourage them to talk to people online. Oh sister has only met him once nearly 12 mths ago, he stayed with her and in-laws and wasn't able to share a room. I have little room and they would have to share. Oh thinks it's fine but he may not actually be here and I feel uncomfortable about it all.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 01/05/2016 16:30

Nah, I wouldn't want someone I'd never met, and the partner of someone who'd only met them once, staying at my house.

I think there is a huge difference between being in a relationship with someone for over a year where you see them regularly and they are an integrated part of your life, to someone who you've met once but have had online conversations with.

IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 01/05/2016 16:33

Yeah I've talked to some off you lot for years, won't invite you to stay through. Sorry

sykadelic · 01/05/2016 16:36

WonkoTheSane42
That would be fair enough, but then why bring up how they met, how often they've met face to face, and your policies on policing your kids' internet use if it was nothing to do with it being a relationship facilitated by the internet?

I thought it was pretty obvious she's trying to say that OH's sister doesn't know this man herself. She's also totally judging the fact they met online and that they've "only met one" is more relevant.

OP I get that you're nervous about having a stranger stay, so say no. He can stay in a hotel/motel. However, there's nothing wrong with online relationships (when conducted "properly"). My DH and I have been married 7 years and were married the 2nd time we were together in person (I immigrated). A lot of people consider that weird, I'm sure, but we spoke for years online via skype, e-mail, text messages, telephone calls and spent months together the first time we met. Of course people should be careful, but you don't know how much time your OH's sister and this man have spent together (online time together counts) so it's likely she knows him very well indeed (I'd be willing to bet I knew more about my then fiance than many other people who spent physical time with their OH's because we HAD to talk).

MiddleClassProblem · 01/05/2016 16:36

If you OH isn't there then why would they be?

BeckysMediocreHair · 01/05/2016 16:38

Ew, yeah, no strangers in the house. And seeing as she's only met him once, he's a stranger. They can get a hotel.

I'm no stranger to online friendships/romances and meetups. And still no.

"So you'd never have someone to stay you'd never met before?"

...Yup, pretty much. Hells, I don't even like people I know staying over, why would I want strangers? My house isn't a hostel.

Stylingwax · 01/05/2016 16:39

What eatshitderek said.
Hmm

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 16:54

I get what the OP is getting at, not only does she not know this man, but she doesn't even know anyone who she thinks knows him well. I get that

Say to SIL "oh gosh you haven't seen our box room lately, its full of clutter and not at all romantic, It's not in a fit state to invie guests to stay in at the moment"

They're basically looking for somewhere to have sex because your ILs don't let them have sex in their house (why though?) - tell them your room is too unsexy

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 16:55

I'm betting the OP isn't about to offer her spare room up to us either so I don't see why she's getting the piss taken out of her for asking on here

curren · 01/05/2016 16:58

So if she wanted to visit with her boyfriend who lived down the road from her, but you hadn't met, would you feel the same?

Do you have siblings? How would you feel if your dh said he wouldn't let you brother or sisters partner stay at yours if they wanted to visit.

There is no right answer here.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 01/05/2016 17:03

Is it because she's clearly just using your house to have sex? (as her parents won't let them share a room).

Tell her your walls are really thin and she might want to book in to the Premier Inn Wink

Seriously? I don't know, the in-laws have met him and they've been together a while, you could come off as really anti-social over this (but if they're just using your spare room as a love hut, it's a bit cheeky).

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 17:05

it's not just the OP, the ILs seem to have reservations too, seems to be only the OPs OH who is fine with it

Sounds like maybe this is a girl who might not have made great choices in the past or something? Nobody but OPs husband trusts her judgement

SwearyKitten · 01/05/2016 17:13

My point is that people meet people online these days. As someone who met their partner of 12 years online, 7 of which were spent in long distance hell, it winds me up when people consider long distance relationships somehow less serious or worthy. It's actually quite a bit harder to maintain a long distance relationship than one where you can see each other whenever you like. If you'd let her boyfriend of a year stay with you if he lived in this country, I don't see why you shouldn't let a long distance boyfriend stay.

I could tell you I'm a 6'5 Hairy fucking biker from Japan. That's why. You seem to be taking personal offence to pure common sense. Don't let a stranger in to your home.

YANBU OP>.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 17:20

Yeah people meet online and that's fine, but this is only he second time the SIL will be meeting this man in person, and that's different. I'm sorry but it is. Chatting online for a year doesn't make you know someone as well as actually dating them in person for a year.

You can get to know a lot about someone online, but IMO you only get to know that one facade rather than the whole person. Even if the person is being 100% genuine, all you're seeing is what they tell you about themselves, and people's perception of themselves isn't always the same as your experience of them in person

MiddleClassProblem · 01/05/2016 17:23

Also dating in real life for a year you meet their friends and get a better idea of them. You see how they react to things, you know they don't have a sex dungeon in their house, you know they don't scream at a waitress because they brought the wrong drink etc

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 17:30

you know they don't scream at a waitress because they brought the wrong drink etc

what you get is their side: "OMG so good to talk to you, had the worst day, train was delayed so had to run to the office from the station and got soaked in the rain, then my boss was off sick but emailing me every 20mins, so I called John to go for a drink after work to relax and we ended up in this god awful place where the waitress kept getting our order wrong.."

You don't see them and their awful obnoxious mate take out all their city-boy anger at their bosses who they suck up to all day on a poor waitress who is nervous and making mistakes because of the hideous friends soubtle sexual harrassment of waiting staff..

Just for example Grin

Footle · 01/05/2016 17:31

I wonder if the SiL actually doesn't feel too sure about spending the night with this chap, and wants someone else around. Obviously it's inappropriate because of the children, and her brother not being there, but this might be her reason for asking.

mayhew · 01/05/2016 17:31

She's 22. They can book a hotel room.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 17:36

If it was my second "physical" date with someone I had been dying to see in the flesh as it were Wink for ages, I would rather be in a hotel than in my brother's spare room with the nieces/nephews under our feet…

.. so I do think the whole thing isn't quite right

VestalVirgin · 01/05/2016 17:40

I don't invite women I only know over the internet to my home. There's no way I'd let a male stranger stay.

They can stay in a hotel. For other reasons, too, as people pointed out.

AtSea1979 · 01/05/2016 17:43

You don't encourage your DC to talk to people online?

What do you call being on MN talking to people online on a Sunday? Confused

VenusRising · 01/05/2016 17:46

I think your partners sister should stay with you and he should stay in a hotel.

Christ, it all sounds like a grooming nightmare, especially is she's naive and immature, with few friends.

Makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I wouldn't leave them alone together actually, especially if she's as immature and friendless as you say. She sounds like she hasn't a clue.

A set up for abuse if ever I heard one.

dustarr73 · 01/05/2016 17:51

Op is an adult,she can al to who she likes.Her having reservations about a strange man staying in her house are justified.

The sister doesnt know the man well either,so a hotel is the best place.

Plus if the op was letting the man stay,i bet there would be people on here saying shes mad.So she cant win.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 17:56

exactly dustarr, the OP isn't saying no to boyfriend coming for sunday lunch, she's saying no to him staying in her house which isn't where SIL lives.

and if he's coming from america its probably for more than one night

MiddleClassProblem · 01/05/2016 18:01

You don't encourage your DC to talk to people online? What do you call being on MN talking to people online on a Sunday

Er that's her not her kids... Makes no sense. If I drink wine, I'm not encouraging my DD to drink it

KeepingitReal2 · 01/05/2016 18:29

I can't believe the reaction of some on here.... He is a stranger! There is absolutely nothing wrong with OLD but when it comes to inviting someone into your home... Never let a stranger without thoroughly vetting them first especially if you have children about
This is common sense

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