To admit I don't want to pas my driving test?

[Serenity05]

Warning – pathetic whining ahead.

I’ve been taking driving lessons on and off for around 10 years now. I’m on my third instructor and I’ve recently booked my test for June (my second attempt – the first one I failed within the first five minutes when I had a panic attack). I hate driving. I hate everything about it, I never feel safe and the thought of being in a car on my own makes me feel sick.

I have a 6 month old DS and I feel like I should learn to drive for him. My DM couldn’t drive when I was a child and I missed out on so much because she couldn’t take me places (my dad worked away a lot) and I don’t want that for him. But I also know that I’ll be terrified of ever getting behind the wheel with him – not least because he screams whenever he’s in the car.

I’m always an absolute state when I get back from my lessons and I feel like I’m wasting a load of money on something I don’t believe I can actually do, and if by some miracle I do manage it, it will still be pointless because I never, ever want to drive.

I’ve been put under a lot of pressure by my DM and DSis over the years to pass my test and I dread to think what they would say if I quit now. My DH wouldn’t pressure me but I know he’d be disappointed if I quit.

I don’t know if I want people to slap me and tell me I’m being pathetic or hold my hand and tell me it’s okay to stop.

Amy you may not but lots of parents (me included) choose what we do with our own children and we are acting within the law. My airbag is switched off, my ds isn't screaming the place down and therefore I can concentrate on the road.

Everything is about a balance of risk. You may deem that risk unacceptable personally but that doesn't mean that anything else is wrong.

I understand how you feel OP. It sounds like you feel you should be driving, and that you think everyone else thinks that too. But if you're not ready, that's ok.

I took 9 years on & off (& 8 tests) to pass my test. Even had to do the theory test 3 times as even though I passed it kept expiring! I also had panic attacks & cried on tests

I felt like I ought to drive, but the more I tried & failed, the worse I felt about it. By the time I met DH (a car enthusiast) I'd failed 6 times & given up. He never pressured me about it, but said when he was young his mum couldn't drive & he felt that he missed out on a lot because of it. That was the deal breaker for me that made me pull my big girl pants up, get a new instructor & finally do it, which sounds like how you feel now with your DS.

I was terrified of being in the car on my own, but after I passed DH did a few practice drives with me where he would drive his car & I'd follow him in mine. It was really helpful as meant I didn't have to worry about what lane to be in etc, I just copied him.

Now, having driven for 8 years, i honestly love it. I've recently had DD & am so glad I stuck with it as life with her would be a lot harder if I couldn't. But, I do think I passed at the right time. If I had somehow (God knows how) passed when I was younger, I don't think I would have been as confident/capable as I am now.

If it is really upsetting you so much, could you take a break from it rather than actually quitting? Sometimes it just isn't the right time. If you're putting too much pressure on yourself (& having a 6month old will be knackering anyway), are you really in the best frame of mind? Could you maybe put it on hold until DS is more comfortable in the car?

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

I'm another who says don't give up and make baby-steps until you get there (in an automatic if that's what it takes). I passed last year at the age of 25 after trying and giving up when I was 17. My instructor was much better the second time around but I still used to come back and cry because I hated it so much. It gradually improved and I passed second time. When I passed, I just forced myself to do it and follow my sat nav. There are still situations that worry me but the only way to overcome the fear is to do it. Good luck.

P.S. I had a year's worth of lessons, the second time around, and didn't put pressure on myself to pass by a particular time. There's a lot to be said for just getting in the car week in, week out and gradually gaining experience and confidence.

I passed 2nd time back in 1991, then didnt drive for years and got to the stage where i was petrified.
I started having more lessons last month and i am improving all the time. Im still petrified but i am doing more and more each lesson, so hopefully wont be long before i have the confidence to go out by myself.

don't give up.
It is such an important skill to have.
I appreciate what a poster said about it being for you , not for anyone else, but think about your DH . If you don't drive he is then always the driver if you go out, he has to do all the ferrrying around of children to activities etc, he has to do or take you shopping if you have a big shop etc etc...
Its not that i don't think dh or dw for that matter should not do their fair share but it can be a real bone of contention. My DPs exwife would not drive , even having passed her test and had her own car, he worked in the city, and had nightmare time tearing home doing conference calls on his phone in car trying to get to pick up his children from evening activities, he had to plan all his work trips abroad and flights etc around needing to be able to there to collect kids , and it did become a real issue for him.
I am not saying all this from view point of 'oh poor man fancy having such a dependent wife' but have seen how it can become an issue.

I always wondered what on earth you would do , if you didnt drive, and your child had an accident or was ill and you needed to get them to the doctors urgently ?
I guess call a taxi ?? or an ambulance ??

I would hate that feeling of not being independent and being able to do this stuff for my kids or myself.

All these stories of people overcoming their driving fears are really helping, thank you everyone.

Dowser, I'm so sorry to hear about your DH.

We've only had our car for a few months (technically it's my car, I'm the registered owner, though obviously DH is the main driver) and it's a really nice car that I want to be able to drive! I have considered whether an auto would be better but gears and clutch control and all that aren't an issue for me, objectively I know I'm not a bad driver, the problem lies with how I feel. If I'm going to change anything at this point I think it might be my instructor... he's a perfectly nice man and he got DH through his test last year but I know he's getting fed up with my issues and he's a bit whiny (I know, pot, kettle, black) - he takes my dislike of driving personally which is just irritating. But maybe I'm just using him as an excuse, I don't know...

Wizzles you hit the nail on the head - I want to do this for my DS. I know I should want to do it for me but I've gone 33 years without driving and I live in a city with good public transport. But I don't want him to miss out on things in the future or know that I gave up on this. I just need to figure out how to find the strength to do it.

I remember when i was learning to drive and i was so nervous to say the least. It's not just about being behind the wheel it's about everything else you got to be aware of on the road as well. I plucked up the courage to keep going though and to be honest with you it was the best thing i ever did. All i can say if you can keep going with them and am sure you will get more confident as time goes on.

Do stick with it Serenity. I think people whining on at you like your mum and sister can really get in the way if it's a confidence thing. I had years of that and never got anywhere. But a supportive DH, who exuded quiet confidence with me rather than "you're crap for leaving it this long", was the boost I needed.

Don't worry about driving on your own. Focus on passing your test and driving with DH in the car to start with. He'd be something of a security blanket, especially if he's a fairly new driver himself, but it won't be forever. You'll get there.

I wonder if a new instructor might help, maybe a woman? I know all women aren't blessed with mystical qualities that men all lack, but you might have better odds of finding someone who is used to building up someone in your position, and/or has more empathy..

I have my test in just over two weeks and I am dreading it.

I learned way back when I was 21 and found every lesson torture. Took my test at 22 and failed on one major with no minors and was so upset that I didn't even consider trying again for years and then I wasn't allowed to for health reasons for a few years. I finally plucked up courage to try again last year and got dh to book me some lessons for my birthday.

I now have the loveliest, most patient female instructor, have had just short of a year's worth of lessons, with a few missed here and there due to health issues and I thought I was doing ok, had got used to my weekly lessons and relaxed a little, then was 'encouraged' to book my test and have been slowly going to pieces ever since.

I am pretty sure my driving is ok and without the nerves I would probably pass the test, but with my anxiety levels already through the roof about it, I can't see it being a pass. I can't take beta-blockers either, so that's not an option for me.

I really want to push my test back, although with the waiting list it won't be until the end of August now if I do that, but everyone is nagging me, saying I won't feel any better about it then and to just go for it and treat it as a practise test if I fail. Unfortunately that's not making me feel any better.

We have a family car that is on the drive all day every day, as dh now cycles to work, but I'm not convinced I will be brave enough to drive it on my own even if I do pass the test.

I totally understand your anxiety op. I have decided all I can to do is grit my teeth and give it a go, then have a think, depending what happens on the day. The pressure from other people to see it through is unbelievable and even though it's really none of their business, I know they're right really. Also, if I did move my test date, I'd never hear the end of it.

I have a lesson this week, one next week then it's my test the following week. I've asked if I could book some extra lessons, as I think I'd feel better with a few more hours practise, but my instructor says I don't need to, because I am a good driver, the skills are all there and it's just my nerves about the test that are getting in the way.

I found driving much less stressful after I had passed my test, simply because I didn't have someone in the car who I felt was looking out for mistakes and critiquing my driving. The fact that, if you make a minor mistake, no-one will ever know (apart maybe from strangers and they don't count!) is very liberating.